Angela's Blog

2010-11-22T06:10:00.000-08:00

Good Morning.

Nothing big to report here. In fact, it's feeling like that more and more. I think I might actually be done trying to keep up the blog. I promise that when there are new biggies I'll post about them but this way I can stop having "did you write on your blog" looming over me and trying to make me feel guilty. I swear, I have enough issues with feeling guilty about this and that, I feel like if there is one that I can kick to the curb I should really do it.

So, farewell. Thanks for keeping up with me. It's been great to have people listening. And commenting.

Josh and I should be starting up neurofeedback at home pretty quick here and with that up to three times a week who knows what we'll see. If there's anything earth shattering, or even mildly interesting, I'll post about it.

That's pretty much all I've got for updates.

Again, thanks for hanging in there with me. This blog was something else when I first started writing on it. Thinking back to then it's really stark how far I've come. And you've all been on that journey with me.

Much love,

Ang

2010-11-17T06:48:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Not much today but a bit. I had my first TBI Advisory Board meeting this week. I think it went well. I was not the only survivor there, but was the only one my age. There were quite a few other survivors. Mostly it was an update meeting on how the current studies are going in the Model System at the UW. And I was able to provide some I thought useful feedback at one point. So that was good. Made me not just feel like a lump on a log.

And I guess I just now made a new realization a few minutes ago. I was washing my hands in front of a mirror and I took a moment to look at my pic line scar on my neck. That one really used to bother me but it is hardly noticeable at all any more. Progress. No matter what it feels like, things are still improving and moving. Sometimes it feels really stagnant but oh, it is not. I am still making big improvements, just on different stuff now.

And I had another great session with the happy clappy TBI shrink. We are working on how to get me to stop comparing everything to the person I was before. I used to get so much of my identity from my ability to have good output - be it work or intelligence or anything else. Now I really get to figure out what it feels like to get my identity from being a child of God. Really good for me but pretty scary too. I've always known that that's who I am but I always had all the other stuff to fall back on. I knew it in my head and not my heart. Now I get to really rely on being a child of God to give me all I need for identity. Wow! God sure is opening new doors for me that I don't think would have come about without this accident. He is so good! And I think my relationship with Him is just going to get better from slogging through this stuff.

That's what I've got for now. Boy oh boy, my at-home therapy stuff is really starting to get big. If I forget to tell y'all about it, somebody remind me. I am up to about my eyeballs in stuff to do at home now. Whew.

Have a good one. Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-11-10T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I've got some pretty big, at least to me, stuff to bring you up to speed on.

Yesterday I had another good session with my happy-clappy TBI shrink guy and we are on a roll. We started on the not-so-fun grief/loss counseling that comes along with this kind of trauma. Not so fun, but good.

And I made a big step in OT. I don't have to wear my wrist and thumb brace all the time anymore. Yeah! But my OT did say that I really should start trying to type with both hands so this blog posting is now sort of a chore. My tone really seems to kick in and my fingers don't want to move. Oh well, hopefully it'll get better the more I do it.

And I had a really big thing go down yesterday too. For the first time since my accident I felt comfortable in my body. I felt like me rather than my insides in a broken shell. It felt REALLY good. I don't really have the same feeling today but I'm just going to try to maintain the high of having it yesterday. Gotta try and go with what you got.

And I also, for the first time yesterday, actually took note of how much better it feels for me to walk. I remember when I was first learning to walk again I never thought I would ever get to the place again where walking would just come naturally - I thought it would ALWAYS be laborsome and I'd ALWAYS have to think about each individual part of it. But yesterday I realized that I'm actually there, it does just come naturally. I don't have to think about it. Just one word sums that up - SUCCESS!

I'm sure I could think of more to say, but honestly I'm tired of struggling to type.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-11-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Nothing really recovery related today, just a mini tattoo update. Bummer, bummer - no tattoo until December 11th. Oh well. Joshua 1:9, we are on for then.

That's it.

Ang

2010-11-06T07:53:00.001-07:00

Good morning.

Hope all is well with y'all. I'm doing pretty darn well on this end. Lots of forward movement in my life.

I got my heel switch figured out with the help of my PT and I am now trying to walk with the estim 30 minutes most every day.

I am almost officially graduated from PT. I have one more follow-up session in two weeks and then I am officially done. Never thought I'd see this day nearing.

I had a really good acupuncture/cranial sacral session on Tuesday. I told my acupuncturist that I'm beginning to process emotionally and sort of drowning in that at times. He said that from what he could tell though I may be doing a lot more emotionally he couldn't detect any emotional problems. Plus he said that he could detect that I've made significant improvements even in just the last month as far as my energy goes so he was able to do some more intense cranial sacral work with me. It must have been really big improvements because at my last session he said that my next session would be my last and now he thinks there's more work that he can do. Woo hoo!

And the happy-clappy TBI shrink was really good too. And my mom says he's a psychologist not a shrink so I should probably point that out. Anyway, my time with him was very beneficial. We are starting work on a surface level intervention of some of my unhealthy thoughts. For the past week my homework has been to stop every time I make an "I" statement and change it to a "part of me" statement. This is meant to combat my absolutist tendencies and self-labeling and generalizations that I commonly fall into. I know it seems small but it really makes a lot of my self talk a lot less overwhelming. And it was pretty funny when I texted Josh "part of me doesn't know what part of me would do without you". Hee hee. :)

And work has been going well lately too. I am about half way through my first experiment that I am fully responsible for. And it's successful so far. Granted I am not doing all the work on it since I'm only there 3 days a week, but I am in the drivers seat and my initials are on the schedule next to the spaces blocked out for the tanks. It's a pretty big deal to me. I'm doing what I used to do. Successfully. Nobody EVER thought I'd be able to go back to this. And I'm doing it. Thank you, Jesus!

I got a new splint this week too. It's a shoulder splint that works on external rotation. It is AWESOME! I decided to "just try it" with no expectations and realized this morning how much I like it. It's a good stretch and I am able to get in and out of it solo. And that's a BIG deal! So I'll be able to use this splint without needing help from anyone. I feel like it's kind of an avenue for me to progress in independence in my therapy stuff. Yeah!

And I learned how to knit a couple days ago. I'm starting a scarf for my OT. It's not as pretty as the ones grandmas make but the yarn is super soft so it'll be nice anyhow.

Ooh, and, I almost forgot, I'm on a big adventure for today. I'm going to try to go get a tattoo. I'm really hoping it works out. I'm getting Joshua 1:9 on the inside of my right forearm. For those of you who might not know, Joshua 1:9 says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." I'm so excited. Considering this verse pretty much got me through the transition from the nursing home back to Harborview for inpatient rehab and I continue to cling to it and it gets me through MANY days even now I think it'll be a great tattoo.

And lunch with Annie was great on Sunday too. She is so nice. We had a really good time. And Drew is making HUGE steps. If you want to check out his story go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale. He is really moving right along. And it was nice to get to support our sister in Christ who is going through a similar struggle. It was wonderful and a little bit creepy to get to hear how much Annie has struggled from the bedside of Drew and see how much Josh could really relate and connect to and understand that. I think I really lucked out that I don't have any memory of that. I cannot imagine how hard that must've been. My goodness, my husband has been through so much. Please pray for him for healing and the ability to keep moving forward with me. And the same for Annie too.

That's pretty much where I'm at.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-10-31T09:11:00.000-07:00

Hey there,

Happy Halloween! Hope it's a fun day for you all and especially for your kiddos who are about to get jacked up on candy and make your lives as miserable as they can. Oh joy - the excitement of the beginning of the holidays!

I really don't have much right now. My head has sort of been in the dumps lately but I guess that is just sort of par for the course. I finally got low enough yesterday that I committed to calling the happy-clappy TBI shrink at Harborview and making an appointment. Just have some nasties to slog through and I think I need some help. Despite the aforementioned title I really like the haapy-clappy TBI shrink. He's great. He's not all sugar-coated or oh-this or oh-that, he's pretty down to business but gentle and a good listener. I'm hoping he can be helpful with managing this poo pile I'm living in right now. It is kind of weird though. My mom's take on where I'm at is sort of hopeful. She thinks that maybe now that I'm now starting to plateau a little bit in my physical recovery I have the energy needed to really start my emotional recovery. Makes sense. I don't think I had the energy to deal with this head stuff while I was working SO hard learning to walk again or learning how to take care of myself again. Now that I don't have to work so hard at that stuff, maybe I'm having the energy to work hard on healing in other ways. Don't get me wrong, it sucks to be where I'm at, but I think it needs to be done. It's part of the process.

A little bit of other news - we ordered at-home neurofeedback equipment and it should be getting here soon. It'll be really nice to not have to go all the way to Bellevue to do that kind of therapy. And having my own equipment makes me able to take it with me when I travel. Now I'll be able to continue therapy while I'm in Alaska for Christmas rather than being forced to have a big hiatus in therapy because I'm out of town.

And I'm excited because we get to go have lunch with Annie today. She's Drew's lady friend. Drew is the guy we know of that got hurt at the end of August. He was in a coma and is now starting the road to recovery. I think it'll be really nice to be able to support her, share our experiences with her, answer any questions she has, and pray with her and for her. I'm just a little scared that I'll cry the whole time. But I think I'll be able to at least quasi keep it together because we all have that nice automatic internal function where if we don't feel like we're in a safe place to cry we just won't.

Kinda funny how useful that function has become for me. I used to be so tough - never really cried. And now in the words of my husband, "She just goes water works." Weird. But I guess that's just part of the new me - who I am now that my brain got banged around a bit.

Would appreciate prayer for the shrink stuff, and that I can beat myself up about it less.

Thanks.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-10-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hola.

How you doin'? Hopefully well. Things are chugging along over here.

Let's see - what's been up lately? A few things. I've been having more trouble lately than I have in quite a while just getting around. My left side has been feeling really heavy lately so it takes some real effort to move it around. Especially going up stairs. And my muscle spasticity has been a lot greater lately too. I feel really tight on my whole left side. The best way I can describe it is you know your first big stretch in the morning after you get up? You know how all your muscles tighten up and that's when you usually let out a little grunt? It's like that for me ALL the time on my left side.

What else? We started a new community group last night. It was great! I think God will really use it grow us, to grow the other people in it, and to reach the community. It felt good! It was super comfortable and everybody was really nice. And genuine. I can't wait to see where it goes.

And other stuff? I have officially settled in to my new head space about the physical challenges I'm experiencing. Now when life gets tough for me physically I say a little prayer, "God, I trust you and I know that I am in the best possible place for me to be. Please help get me through right now and help me to exude faith so that You are made much of and glorified."

And? I think I am making some real headway in neurofeedback. One of the things where we're working with the electrodes right now is supposed to have an effect on is emotional awareness and communication. And that it is! I have been a lot clearer with how I'm feeling in the past week and have taken a HUGE step towards "normal". Ever since I was baby I've needed me time. Time where I just am by myself. When I was a baby that was apparent when I would just scream until someone put me in my crib, left the room, and shut the door. When I was a teenager it was apparent when I would just go inside my walk-in closet and shut the door. No matter who or how many people were around. And last week I felt for the first time like I needed some me time. And I was able to communicate that to Josh and then just go in our bedroom and shut the door. This is a REALLY big step forward for me! Yeah! Progress!

That's where I'm at.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-10-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Big news - and I mean BIG! And just a fair warning - this is a full-on Jesus centric post. So if you're not into Jesus, well, read it anyway - you might get something from it.

Anywho, the big news is that I had an AWESOME experience last night. Josh and I had another counseling session with Pastor James and it was good. Really good. In the midst of the session we talked about how I've been really holding onto current circumstances and sort of getting embittered that God isn't just taking the crappy stuff away like the pins and needles. I've been really questioning a lot lately how can a God who loves me and wants the best for me just leave me with these pins and needles. As I was talking about this a dim light came on that maybe He's leaving me with these difficulties and struggles so that I'm more dependent on Him. Hmmm. It's possible. So as we went on and talked about this and where I'm at more I got pretty darn convicted that I REALLY need to repent on my crappy attitude in this. The truth is that God is good, He does love me, and His "Plan A" is the best plan for me. And His "Plan A" includes the pins and needles, obviously. And I'll get to ask Him "why" when I see Him face to face in heaven.

So before bed last night I started praying about this. I told God that what I want most is deeper relationship with Him and to be closer to Him and more dependent on Him. Mid prayer it became clear to me that my big E on the eye chart sin has really been worshipping comfort instead of God. So I asked for forgiveness on that and as I was apologizing to God that I've really just wanted comfort not what's best for me (Him) for a split second I tried to weave in the "explanation" of why I have the pins and needles and that's when He really spoke to me. He laid on my heart that what I really need is to increase my trust in Him and my faith. And so I was able to pray, "God, I trust you and whatever reason you have for giving me these pins and needles, I know it is what's best for me. Thank you for loving me and caring enough about me to put me in the best possible place. Thank you for these pins and needles because I trust you and know that they are what is best for me right now."

Anyways, it was BIG!!! And I feel so much different now! I feel like I can be grateful for even what is tough. Thank you, Jesus, for my pins and needles. Thank you for my muscle spasticity. Thank you for my imbalance and left-side weakness. Thank you. And thank you for being right here with me!

Wow.

Big.

Hope you're making leaps forward like I am.

Praise God!

Ang

2010-10-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

Welcome back.

How have you been? Hopefully well. Life has been a little less than easy for me lately. The past few days I've really been feeling like I've been going in reverse in terms of recovery. Moving around has been tougher and my whole left side has really felt heavy and burdensome. Plus I've been having to go to bed really early and by "having to go to bed" I mean HAVING to go to bed. Like I just stop functioning. I can't keep my eyes open any more. It's been tough for me. Because I thought my stamina and energy levels were improving but it has been hard lately. I haven't even really been able to hang with my husband much lately. On work days when I get home I'm pretty done. And on non-work days just about the time he gets home I'm pretty done. And that just adds fuel to the "life is hard" fire. Because when I don't even get to spend time with him then I feel like a bad wife and all sorts of other lies along those lines creep up.

Needless to say life is hard right now in the Sweet household.

And then I do totally weird stuff sometimes too. Like I remember waking up last night and calling for Josh and then I couldn't tell him what I needed. I don't remember why I couldn't I just remember that I couldn't. And then I was asking him some weird questions that didn't make any sense when he asked if I wanted him to take my torture device splint off.

And cue the feeling like a crummy wife again. I cannot even imagine being married to me. Never a dull moment. Seems like a perpetual whirlwind of swirling needs and wants and dos and don'ts.

And then at church this morning was a sermon about mistrust. And it became abundantly clear to me that I don't trust God's timing. I think He's wrong. I just do not understand how this timing could possibly be what is best for me or have my best interest in mind. I feel like I have suffered long enough. I've had and continue to have pins and needles for over a year now. Come on, how can that possibly be best for me?!?!

I trust God that He is in control. And His "plan A" is what is best for me. I just really don't understand. And now I'm becoming aware of where I need to be in repentance for my wicked heart in acting like I am god. Surprise, surprise - I am not. Nor do I deserve to be. And I know in my heart of hearts that He is right here with me and carrying me through both the good days and the bad. Thank you Jesus!

So I know that my true north is still pointing north I just think I have some sin causing me to waver around. All in all I am having a hard time. God's "plan A" while being the best for me hurts like heck! And it's no fun to sit in hurt. But here I am. Prayer for quick and thorough repentance and for continuing to lean into God to carry me is much needed. Also some prayer for steadfastness and patience would be great too.

Thanks much.

Ang

2010-10-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

Good Morning.

How you doin'? Hopefully well. I'm alright. Super excited because my mom gets home today from her cruise in the Black Sea. I have REALLY missed her! She'll probably be jet lagged and stay in bed all day tomorrow but a hug is no longer going to be separated by continents! Yeah!!!

And I had a weird "back to normal" experience day before yesterday. I went in for a massage and it is marked the difference between the sensitivity of my left and right sides. My right side is more "back to normal" ie. I'm ridiculously ticklish but my left side is totally fine. It's almost like it's de-sensitized. Weird. I'm no longer ticklish on my left side. Maybe it's the persistent pins and needles feeling. Who knows. And I don't even think it's worth asking the docs because I can hear the standard SWAG answer now, "That's just a result of the brain injury." For any of you who might not know SWAG is an acronym for "scientific wild ass guess". It seems to be a norm when it comes to docs and TBI.

And there was one more awesome "back to normal" experience yesterday too. Josh was relatively mercilessly messing with me last night. He kept joking and yanking my chain. While this in and of itself is not all that fun or desirable it was the first time he's really played with me like that since the accident. And it was welcomed! It was so nice to get to see him and his little smirk of satisfaction when he knows he got you. I have missed that! It just really makes me feel good because it shows that he must see me getting better enough that I'm no longer to be babied or handled with kid gloves. He can see that I can take it and it is possibly one of his spiritual gifts to dole it out. It's just really nice to see the physical signs of switches in his mind of how I'm doing. I no longer am viewed as fragile and just to be taken care of. Thanks, babe!

On that awesomely-awesome note I'm signing off.

Have a good day.

Ang

2010-10-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Another real quick one. Not too much content, but enough to share.

Oh boy, I had the BEST night's sleep last night! It was incredible! So rejuvenating, restful, and regenerating. I feel like I woke up this morning a new woman! And I have a pretty good hunch as to why too. Last night was Josh's and my first biblical counseling session. I (and I think both of us) were pretty freaked out about it being really heavy and hard. The kind of thing where you fizzle out about half way through and then just sit around practically comatose for the rest of the night. I know, I get it, I can't really use the whole "comatose" figure of speech any more having actually been there. But you know what I mean, right?!?! Anywho, it was GREAT! We met with a pastor last night and instead of it being the big, ultra heavy cry-fest I was afraid of, we got a chance to really just talk and try to pick out and separate the truth from the lies. We got to start our "real bucket" where we put stuff like Jesus is God; He has taken up residence in us; He is the complete, not partial, fruit of the Spirit; we can hear Him; Josh wants to love and serve me; I appreciated Josh's love and service, and a few others. Honestly, if I had to pick one word to sum to sum up last night I would choose "hopeful". It was so nice to hear it laid out in plain black and white that God is in me and when Satan attacks me with lies he is attacking God. And that's not even a fight I have to stress over because that one has already been won by Jesus on the cross. Hallelujah!

And Josh got some good tidbits for him too. But, seeing as I am not at liberty to assume I can speak for me and this isn't his blog, you'll just have to call or email him if you want more details.

To sum it up, though, the whole thing felt really good. It felt very life giving! I am so glad we have Jesus! And we have such an awesome community to point us to Him and walk with us through this tough time. Praise God!

So prayers of thanksgiving are certainly in order. And prayers that we make some good headway toward Jesus and one another as we slog through our current situation.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

2010-10-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

Hi there.

Just a quick tidbit - got official word from my PT that my appointments scheduled through the end of October will be it for us. WOW! Never thought that I'd actually see the day of a therapy coming to an end. Kinda neat. But it also means that my wonderful husband will step in as gestapo hounding me about getting my PT "homework" done. I'll be interested to see what my PT "homework" consists of. As of yesterday we agreed to have it include some e-stim. That's electronic stimulation for those of you who thankfully don't know the therapy lingo. So shocky-shocky here I come. It's so weird the ways you can see the effects of this brain injury. Like for example, the toes on my left foot don't want to pick up like the toes on my right foot. Try it - you can totally raise up your toes while leaving the rest of your foot flat on the ground. I can only do it on one side. Especially if I'm standing. I can sort of get my toes up if I'm sitting down but I've got nothing once I'm standing. Weird!

And I went and saw my vocational counselor yesterday and she and I agreed on me sticking with my current 3 days/week schedule at work at least until January. We'll meet towards the end of the year and see how my energy level is doing. Hopefully I'll be able to add Tuesdays then but we'll see. That whole having a life outside of work is sort of important too. Just a tad. You know, like being coherent with my husband when I get home from work and on the weekends. Details. In case you couldn't tell, that was me being sarcastic and joking around. Yes, believe it or not, despite my brain injury I am still prone to being a jokester. Sometimes now the jokes only make sense and are funny to me, but I'm still a jokester.

Ahhh, never a dull moment.

That's what I got.

Have a good one.

Ang

2010-10-03T14:47:00.001-07:00

Hey there.

How's it going? It's going around here. I've been having a pretty tough time the past few days. Convenient timing though. I've just been feeling pretty weak and tired the past couple days. Especially my legs and feet and knees. And my hips a bit too. My left arm and leg have been feeling pretty heavy and labor some to move around. It was pretty ridiculous in yoga on Friday. I felt like a total failure. Like I was backsliding severely in recovery. I just could not get my leg to do what I wanted it to do. Instead of being able to pick up my foot and move it around I had to drag my foot along the floor. Bummer! :(

Anywho, the convenience of it all is that I have my next meeting with my vocational counselor Tuesday. She's my "back to work" lady that helps me ease back into working. I think this new found weakness will certainly help me to not try to convince her that I should really be rushing to up my work hours. I think it would be good for me to have some rest time in my schedule. Even if I don't have therapy appointments.

Speaking of therapies - that's another big ticket item lately. I just had an acupuncture treatment on Thursday and he told me that my next treatment will be my last from him. And when I was talking to my PT and my OT about scheduling November they both wanted to "wait a while". My PT says he might be done with me by the end of October and my OT said she is nearing the end of stuff she can work on with me too. My OT said that my primary issue now is the tightness and immobility in my shoulder girdle. Yeah, I know, girdle. Yuck! Sorry for the vocab sensitive out there who get disgusted by that word. I don't blame ya. Anyways, my OT has some other therapist in mind who might be better at helping me with that. But she doesn't normally see neuro (that means brain injured) patients. So she may not even be willing to take me on. We'll see.

Don't think I have much else. At least not about me.

We recently became aware of this guy who is connected to Josh through a coworker who suffered a pretty bad accident at the end of August. His name is Drew and he could really use some prayers. He and his lady friend go to Mars Hill. If you'd like to keep up with him and stay up-to-date on how to specifically pray for him, check out www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale.

As for prayers for me, feel free to keep em coming mostly for protection against pretty much constant onslaught from the enemy. And for patience with Josh. And for our upcoming counseling with one of the pastors at our church to be fruitful, beneficial, and uplifting.

Thanks.

Ang

2010-09-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

Ah, yes - patience IS a virtue. Unfortunately, one that I am lacking.

I struggled and was sort of cranky yesterday with this whole botox thing while in PT and OT. Both therapists said they could feel a marked difference in the muscle tone but I was upset because I didn't feel any different. And this morning I do. I was doing my arm exercises in the gym this morning with weights and noticed a pretty marked difference. It is harder for me to hang on the weights while I do my exercises. One of my exercises is to do arm extensions up to about shoulder height with a 5lb weight. 3 sets of 10 is what I do. Thankfully, I've started using my 5lb wrist weight to help me stretch in yoga so I had it with me. I had to strap it on because I couldn't hold the 5lb weight for all three sets lifting the dumbbell up that high. And when I actually stopped to think about it, my left hand does feel a lot less spastic. It feels a lot looser and more pliable. Yeah!

I don't feel much difference in my foot but now that I've learned my lesson I'll just wait a little bit before coming to any conclusions.

The other weird thing I noticed this morning with my hand is that I am pretty much lacking now in grip strength. That's not true - it is just dramatically reduced. Especially pinch strength. I have OT again tomorrow and I'm going to try to get her to measure it so I have numbers to bolster my hunch. Goodness, I am SO data driven. I just LOVE the numbers! I know, I know - NERDY! Can't help it. It is what it is. Love it or keep it to yourself. It's just who I am.

And another thing that I think I forgot to mention on here - the other new difference I've noticed. Now when I do the grapevine - which, yes, I have to do often in therapy - I no longer catch my left foot on my right leg when I put my right foot in front of it. Could it be from neurofeedback? Who knows; but I'll take it!

And the whole neurofeedback thing is moving right along. Next two treatments I have Josh going with me and hopefully getting trained on how and where to put the sensors on my head. Then we're going to try to get a unit at home so I can do it three times a week. Maybe even for a couple years. Cool!

Let's see - that's about all the cool update-type stuff. I have some weird feeling-type stuff but I'll warn you now, if you don't dig that stuff just stop reading now.

For you update-only peeps, peace out.

For everyone else - welcome to my world of insanity. It's been pretty intense lately. I've been struggling a lot with guilt and what I believe to be lies and attacks from the enemy. I've been hearing the enemy loud and clear trying to convince me that I am ruining Josh's life. That he is sad and tired all the time because of me. That I only make things worse and make his life harder. Once in a while it even goes so far as to try to convince me that I should also feel bad that I am too chicken to just take care of it and either off myself or divorce him. These extremes are what really hits home for me that these are lies. But it's hard to hear anyways. And the attacks just seem to go on and on.

Had a pretty good and weepy ladies bible study on Monday night and talked through a lot of this. Then I went home and bawled to my husband about it some more. But at least now everybody knows exactly where I'm at. Part of the onslaught had been to just keep it to myself because sharing it just makes others suffer. Smart, huh?!?! If you're trying to get someone and really keep him (or her in this case) down it makes sense to have part of the whole ploy be to get him to isolate himself. He's smart, that one. And crafty. But also defeated. Thank you, Jesus!

So any prayers for protection and bolstering from the enemy would be much appreciated. Josh and I might even go talk to a pastor about it to try to get some more clout on our side. Never hurts.

Ok, so that's really about all I've got.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-09-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

Hola.

Holy Guacamole! I don't think I will EVER understand why ladies get botox by choice. It freakin' hurts! And I looked like a complete tattoo/piercing poser and cried. I got 11 shots total. 4 in my inner forearm on the left side, 1 in the meaty part of my left palm right at the base of my thumb, 2 in my left calf, and 4 just at the base of my toes on top of my left foot. If you were cringing as you read that it was completely appropriate. The most painful ones were in my palm and on the top of my foot. Yowza! And it's not even immediate gratification. I pretty much feel the same. I have noticed that when I sleep I often don't use my cucumber. My cucumber is a little foam padded thing that I usually hold in my left hand while I sleep. And it's green so it looks - well, like a cucumber to me. Hence it's name. And I noticed that when my hand does clench up it seems to be doing so differently because my fingernails aren't digging in to my palm anymore. So that's nice. The doc said that I should know if it's working in three or so days and it should have the maximum affect in one to two weeks. And then it should last 3 to 6 months. I'm thinking it must have some seriously profound effect or it is not worth getting all those shots again. We'll see.

Well, that's my botox update.

I do have to say - my left hand and foot are looking quite young and vibrant. :) It was pretty cute, when we went to breakfast with Josh's dad and step-mom yesterday his step-mom made the joke that I probably wouldn't be allowed in the bar because my hand and foot look so young. Hee hee hee. Pretty funny.

And one other big event - we officially booked our tickets. We are going to Alaska to be with my brother, his wife, and our Alaska niece and nephews for Christmas! Pretty exciting! And a little scary because my brother said we can expect it be somewhere between 30 degrees and 60 below. Yikes! But we're happy! It'll be my first time getting to use the note the doctors gave me about having plates implanted in my arm and face to get through security. That should be an adventure all it's own.

That's what I've got.

Have a good one.

Ang

2010-09-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hi.

All is well here.

We had a great weekend last weekend! Took Dorothy (my sister) to Spokane to meet the fam. What fun! We got to have a really nice dinner out where an amazing number of family members all showed up to meet Dorothy. I think there was around 18 of us! It was AWESOME! We also got to visit Grandma's house and meet her tenant and we got to go to the assisted living place and visit Grandpa too. Plus we got to show Dorothy the family car lot and we stayed out at Victor and Suzette's. I don't think it could have gone any better. Perfect! It was really nice to see Dorothy connect with some of her cousins. She'll probably go back out and visit of her own accord in the future.

Ooooohhhh, and Dad helped Josh find another car. Yeah! Now I have the Outback all to myself and I can drive to work M, W, F. So nice!!! No more Metro for me. I actually get to work now about the same time I used to catch the bus. Driving takes at least 2 hours off my day. Oh so nice!!! Anywho, Josh got a Forester and Dad found us a great one.

The only thing looming on the horizon for me is that I get my first botox treatment in my left hand and left foot this Friday. I'm pretty freaked out to be honest but I get little sympathy. Not many out there who feel bad for me when I tell them I'm scared of needles with around 40 hours of tattoo work and a few piercings. But I am scared. I don't want it to hurt. And I really hope it works well for me. We'll see, I guess. But I did try typing again today on this blog entry to have a fresh reminder how hard it is for me. Then I'll really be able to tell the difference if the botox helps with that. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

That's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-09-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

Good morning.

Things are moving along over here. Had my second neurofeedback appointment yesterday and got my qEEG results. The qEEG was the initial brain map they did of how my brainwaves look all over. The report is all Hz this and Mhz that so it doesn't mean much to me. But the part of the report that does mean something is the recommendation part. Looks like I was recommended for 50 neurofeedback sessions working on a whole mess of different things. Lots if them deal with anxiety and irritability and then different visual and spatial processing stuff and motor functions too. The two sessions I've had so far are supposed to be focused on helping me manage my anxiety and irritability and visual processing. Last week I only made it about 24 minutes and then I was so sleepy I had to stop, but this time I made it the full 30 minutes and it didn't make me super sleepy. And, I'm sorry, I somehow forgot to report the HUGE success that came after last week's session. Only one neurofeedback treatment and I could tap my toes on the left side. Even last Thursday morning in PT, before the neurofeedback, I was trying with all my might and it was SUPER hard. I would really exert a lot of effort and they would maybe raise a centimeter off the floor. Post neurofeedback I can tap them regularly. They lift up just like the right toes do! COOL! A little weird but I'll take it!

And I officially got cleared that I do not need a root canal yesterday so that was good news. My sensation in one tooth is definitely reduced but I'm not going to argue and beg for a root canal. No way!

And big weekend on the horizon - we're taking my sister to Spokane to meet my dad's side of the family. I'm pretty excited. Get to see Gramma, Grampa, Uncle Victor's whole family, and hopefully more fam too. Should be good.

Well, that's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-09-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hola.

How's it going? Going pretty well here. Had a pretty big darn success this morning. So I thought I might get on and share with y'all.

Anywho, in yoga this morning I made a switch. Rather than trying to be who I used to be and do what I used to be able to do I made the old switch-a-roo and accepted who I am now with a brain injury and stopped dangerously trying to do things the old way. We did pigeon today and I did it on the right side no problemo but when we were supposed to switch and do it on the left I did reverse pigeon instead of regular pigeon. Used to be that I fell into pigeon on the left and really freaked myself out and gave myself a good mind F-you-know-what. I just went forward and did what I could and didn't feel weird about it at all this morning. And, no, don't worry, Josh, this does not mean that I am giving up and accepting that I'll never do pigeon on the left again. It just means that where I'm at right now doesn't agree with pigeon on the left and rather than fighting that and freaking myself out a whole bunch I am adopting a work-around that doesn't scare me at all. And I think that is success! And I opted out of dolphin too. Instead of doing dolphin which really hurts my toes on my left foot I just went for a little downward facing dog. It was great! And I didn't freak out or get really scared or feel stupid or inadequate at all! Yesssssssssss!

And there was further success last night with Josh. We took some time and did some hard work on us. Took lots of energy but we had a really good talk about where we're at and where we're going. And I feel VERY comforted by the outcome! I don't know what I did to merit such an amazing husband but it must've been good! Joshua is one hell of a guy! And so is Jesus for working such amazing miracles in Josh! It is so funny how Josh's actions and attitudes through this whole adventure had to be directly from God. No confusion, downright miraculous the attitude and dedication has had toward me. He is my biggest supporter and pushes me to get as far as I can. He has been SO patient, loving, accepting, dedicated, patient, understanding, compassionate, caring, generous, helpful, encouraging, did I say patient?, and so much more. Thank you, Meow!

And completely non-important in comparison, we got new furniture this weekend too. We braved IKEA and got a new loveseat, chair, and ottoman. And then we got a chest as a coffee table from Pier 1, and some throw pillows from Target. Fantastical! Our couch is finally comfy and that's saying something! If you're in the neighborhood buzz up and if we're home we'll have you up to show you the new living room prizes. Best part is that cats are still afraid of the new stuff. They won't get on the couch or chair as of yet. Oh darn! Or not. I'm sure it's short-lived but I'll enjoy it while it's going on.

That's about all I've got.

Any questions?

Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-09-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

It's been a crazy week. Good, but sorta crazy. It was a VERY nice break to have an extended weekend. Especially since Josh took Tuesday off too so we got to just hang another day. Including a nice lunch with his Madre.

Monday was interesting. Went in and helped out at work for a few hours. Then went to the gym at home in the afternoon and tried to do my arm exercises. Smallest weights they have are 5lb so I couldn't do my wussy chest press or my scapula exercises. I usually do those with 2.5lb weights. So I did the assisted pull up machine to try to make up for my missed exercises. WOW! Was I sore Tuesday! Felt roughly like I'd been severely beaten in the lats for a few hours. Whew!

So, in my infinite wisdom, I listened carefully to my body and got back up on the machine and did them again on Wednesday. And I'm not nearly as sore today. Oh, I'm still sore, jut not AS sore. But it was kind of nice to have severe muscle pain from working out. Haven't had that in a while. Makes me feel that much closer "back to normal".

Then today I drove myself to Harborview for PT and OT this morning. Pretty good therapy today. OT was spent gardening with my therapist. We got to inaugurate the new therapy raised beds at Harborview. I was the first patient to get my hands dirty there and I helped plant six plants. Then I got a bunch of new exercises to do in PT. One of which is standing just on my left leg and then trying to raise myself up to be standing on my left toes. Hard! And so easy on the right side! I also got assigned practicing toe taps. So if you see me around and want to get down and dirty therapy-wise with me, do some toe taps with me. Then you'll also become keenly aware of some of my limitations from my brain injury. It's scary how pronounced the effects of the brain injury are in things as small and seemingly trivial as toe taps.

After Harborview this morning I had my first neurofeedback appointment this afternoon. It was interesting. I went in and got some sensors attached to my head and then the doc set up what he wanted those areas of my brain to do and I sat in this really comfy chair and played this solar system computer game with my brain. He started it up and said that it is all subconscious. So I didn't have to TRY and do anything. The game went such that a planet appeared and then it would replicate over and over. Once there were 10 planets they would combine to make a galaxy and you'd start over. It also beeped when I was doing what the doc wanted with my brain and the planets kept moving. When the planets paused it was because my brain wasn't doing what the doc wanted. Weird. But at the end of the session, marked by me getting really sleepy, the doc showed me some graphs of what my brain had been doing. There were two lines, a green one and a blue one and the graph started with the blue one on top and the green one below. The doc explained that what we were aiming for was for those to switch - for the green one to be higher and the blue one to be lower. And that's just how they were at the end of the graph. They kind of gradually got there over the course of the graph with little blips here and there on the way. So my brain was learning and doing exactly what we wanted it to. So that's good. The whole thing was pretty surreal. And it made me really tired. I almost fell asleep sitting right there. Onward - we'll see what next week brings.

That's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at y'all later.

Ang

2010-09-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Things are going pretty well here. It's nice to have a weekend of relaxation and down time, that's for sure. And it all started off so nicely with a great dinner date with Josh's parents on Friday. Yum - Angelo's pizza! We had a really nice visit with them and enjoyed their company immensely. It was grand!

And then we took the car in to get loved on yesterday and we're doing birthday stuff with our nephew today. Should be great! And I'm going to work just a few hours tomorrow and then Josh took Tuesday off so we get to hang a whole extra day! Should be splendid!

I think one of the most enlightening parts of our soiree on Friday was talking with Burt and Marty and having them tell me how they have seen and noticed a really marked improvement in my speech lately. Pretty neat! And really nice feedback to get. I don't know if it's my actual speech so much as it has been a pretty solid improvement in my vocabulary, cadence, and delivery of speech. They said it's like talking to me before the accident. Awesome! Really great to get info from others that point to those kinds of successes! I can't pick up on that stuff on my own. So it was VERY nice to hear.

Don't have much else. Been feeling VERY blessed lately that I've been in pretty good spirits. Haven't had a "down" day in a while. Yeah! Thank you, Jesus!

Hope you're all well too.

Talk at ya soon,

Ang

2010-09-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

Nothing too entirely big to report but I thought I would check in. I've had a challenging past few days. Let's start with Monday - I had quite a time in yoga. I can't do pigeon pose on the left side without help. And I am not very good at asking for help so I pretty much have to fall to get into the pose. Everything turns out fine but it is very scary for me and super frustrating. A big, fat reminder that I am limited and not back fully yet. And that was added to by attempting dolphin pose. Dolphin pose really hurts my toes now and I don't feel very comfortable or safe doing it. So I really just wanted to cry and leave yoga on Monday but I pushed through. Yesterday was super hard but I made some big progress in it too. I made progress by doing lots of driving yesterday, even in the pouring rain, and on the freeway. And by myself to boot. Unfortunately I also managed to misplace my hand brace at a Bartell Drugs of all places when I was buying cards. Then I went on with my day and went to an acupuncture appointment and didn't realize it was missing for about an hour and a half. And by the time I did realize I didn't have it I was late picking up my mom from the doctor and had a minor meltdown. Again, everything worked out fine but it was no fun while I was in it. And then today, another day of yoga trauma. Again with the dolphin pose - still just as hard and painful. But, SUCCESS, I did downward facing dog pose today! I needed help but I did it!

I've just generally been having a harder time lately. I'm stuck in this whole, "is this it? is this as far as I'm going to get" phase. I look back and realize that I have come FAR just in the past few months but I don't think I've ever been in this kind of head space before. I think it might just be an awesome side part of this stage of my recovery. I'm finally mentally at the place where I can doubt myself and ask these types of questions. But it's tough being here.

And it's dumb. I'm still moving. I haven't even started neurofeedback yet and who knows where that's going to take me?!?! And I'm still waiting but I'm all scheduled for botox at the end of this month. Who knows what that's going to do for me?!?! These two things could be HUGE. I can't beat myself up too bad with this stuff in mind. And it's nice that I'm in the TBI support group because this whole thinking pattern will certainly be something that I bring up at the next meeting. Maybe this is normal. Maybe I'm not the only who has these self-defeating thoughts. And now I am equipped with people I can reference and talk to who actually KNOW where I'm coming from.

Anyways, enough already. I'm sure you don't log on to the blog to attend my awesomely awesome pity parties. But thanks for hanging in there with me. I feel like I've really shifted even just insofar as the blog. I used to feel like it was really an update machine meant for the dissemination of information. And now I'm really using it as a forum for me to process. I'll still give you all cool updates but I really feel like this a great forum for me to work through stuff. You okay with that? Hope so.

Anyhow, too-da-loo.

Ang

2010-08-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

Holy Smokes!

Yesterday was AWESOME! The party went really well!

To God be the glory! The day started out with my last post an then I sat down and had some good time talking to Jesus. He brought me back to my favorite verse - Joshua 1:9. It says, "Have I not commanded you, be strong and courageous. Do not be weak. Do not be terrified. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Then He reminded me that I am His perfect creation - the way I am now. Just because I got hurt didn't change His view of me. And I was reminded that He would be with me all day. All through the party. He'd be with me when everything was fine and He'd be with me if I felt overwhelmed. That was so comforting.

Then we got ready and went to Feedback. And when I got there I got a serious surprise - Feedback donated all the food for the day! And it was great food! We had chips with queso dip, spinach artichoke dip, chili verde, marinated mushrooms, and bread. And my next door neighbor from when I was growing up made the most awesome cake and brought it. Check it out:

And the turnout was fantastic! Probably about 100 people came. From all sorts of different areas of my life. Some from grade school and high school, some from church, some family, some family friends, some therapists from this whole accident adventure, some health care providers, some from church, some Josh's friends and family friends, and the list goes on. It was great!

And I did well too. There were a lot of people there but I'm pretty sure I said hi to everyone who came. And a handful I actually had conversations with. And I never had to go sit in the car. I recognized that the crowd was very big but I never felt overwhelmed or unsettled. Again, I completely thank Jesus for that one.

And we filled up almost the entire food bank bucket, plus we brought a lot of business to Feedback and we introduced a lot of hopefully returning customers to Feedback. And, for the second time, Feedback totally spoiled me. They said they were going to keep the Honeybush drink special going all night and that they would donate $1 from each one sold throughout the day and night to my fund to help with medical bills. Wow!

Plus I got to meet one of the owners of Feedback and he was a super nice guy. Everyone there was. All the staff worked their butts off and were so kind! So if you're ever out and hungry or thirsty I strongly encourage you to frequent Feedback Lounge! Not only are the food and drinks really good, but so are the hearts of the people who work there.

And then Jesus totally took care of the rest of the night too. I was pretty tired after the party so I wasn't able to pay very much attention to anything including my husband. But it was his birthday yesterday so I really wanted it to be a special day for him too. And two of our good friends invited us over after the party to have yummy steak dinner and watch the UFC fights. It was perfect! I couldn't have made the night special and about him if we'd have just gone home so God completely delivered someone else to! Thank you, Jesus! Yet another answered prayer! And our friends that we went to got Josh the most AWESOME birthday present EVER! They got him a bottle of bourbon (his favorite) and signed it from all the members of New Kids On The Block! :) Yessssssss! A couple weeks before they had gotten me a NKOTB DVD much to Josh's dismay that he's had to sit through far more than he will ever admit. And this was their icing on the cake! I love it!

You guys rock!

That's what I've got for today. If you were there, thanks for coming to the party! It was fantastical!

Talk at ya later,

Ang

2010-08-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

Good morning.

Here we are at party day. The big one year party is in about four hours. And I figured I'd use this as a good forum to try to process what's going on on the inside. So hang in there with me, please.

I'm excited about the party. But I'm pretty nervous too. I feel like this is going to be the first big test of where I'm at brain-wise. Before the accident I would have loved every second of it - I would have been going a mile a minute and I would have been involved in as many conversations as possible all at the same time. But today I think it's going to be a little different. I'm going to have to go with one conversation at a time and I know that it tires me out to be in crowds now. Mom and Josh have been assigned the "watch my eyes" task. I don't really get it but they say my eyes look different when I'm getting worn out. So their job is to help me take breaks before the complete meltdown. And as weird as this might sound to everyone besides me - the plan for "breaks" is for me to go sit in the car by myself.

I am pretty darn freaked out about the party. I'm really glad we're doing it - I want to say thanks to everyone who's been on this adventure with us. But I am just worried that I'm not going to be able to handle it. I know it's going to be pretty much an entire afternoon of saying hi to different people and giving hugs. But that's exactly what I'm worried about - what if I can't switch gears like that any more. What if just saying hi and giving hugs is too much for me. That will be really hard. It'll be hard because of the situation but it'll be REALLY hard because it would be SO different than before. Then I'll really have to come to terms with the truth that this brain injury has changed me A LOT. And I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for that. I've been living in my own little world where I feel like I'm "back to normal" brain-wise. I get everything at work and I don't feel like my ability to think is really all that different than before the accident. I just live in this little world where I consider physical limitations as my biggest challenge. What if that's not it? What if there's more brain issues than I thought? I think that'll be really hard for me. I don't want to feel handicapped mentally. And up to this point I've managed to convince myself that I'm not. But what if this type of situation throws all that to the wind. I think I might have to go see someone (shrink wise) if this is really hard for me. I'm pretty sure it'll freak me out that much.

So anyways, now that I'm sitting here typing and crying, I think it is time for me to go. I'm going to go sit and have some good prayer time about this. I need Jesus! I feel weak and vulnerable. And God can protect me and get me through this.

I'll let you know how it all went.

Have a good one. And maybe I'll see you in a few hours.

Ang

2010-08-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

Hola!

How's it going? I'm doing pretty well. Sure was nice to get so many comments on the last post. And even from a virgin commenter. Welcome! Seems like as soon as I think nobody's reading this any more I hear from somebody new that they're following it. Cool! I hope I'm not too boring now that things have slowed down some. No more awesome minute to minute updates about whether I'm going to make it or walk again. Or who I've been pinching, hitting, kicking, or throwing poop at. Now I'm back to just boring old me. Just working and hanging with the kitties and watching movies and being a wife. Pretty welcome lame-out if you ask me! Nothing too big and exciting to report right now. I'm really looking forward to my one year party this Saturday! Should be a great time. And the people at Feedback were kind enough to offer to put out a drink special of some delicious summer drink they make called the Honeybush and then donate $1 from each one sold to my fund to help with medical bills.

I guess I do have one tiny piece of what will hopefully become big news - I set up my neurofeedback. I'm going to start on September 9th. I'm really excited about it and will definitely write about it after it starts.

That's about it for me. I'm in the process of trying to set up a road trip to SpokaVegas (Spokane) to introduce my sister to all the family over there. We'll see how that pans out.

Have a great day.

Ang

2010-08-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Today has been quite a day! Is my official one-year! Pretty much insane when you stop and think about how far I've come in only one year. Just looking at those pictures from day one in the hospital really hits it home!

So today has been a day of celebration. I made cupcakes to bring into work - funfetti, of course. But let's start at the beginning. I had Jimmy pick me up this morning and drive me to work at approximately the butt crack of dawn. Just a little extra precaution to make sure that I finally actually made it into work on the 18th of August. And he was nice enough to drop me off at the gym so I could still do yoga class this morning. Yoga was, of course, awesome! In the very beginning of class the teacher dedicated the class to me. And the best part of it was at the very end when we finished five minutes early and then proceeded to do the pig pose. The pig pose pretty much consists of stuffing your face full of cupcake while sitting in a yoga class. :-)

Then I got to enjoy a nice lunch with Jonah. We went and had Japanese food. Yum! And it has been pretty shocking the number of people who have taken time to say to me today how glad they are that I'm back. I am full of a nice warm and fuzzy feeling. And Jimmy agreed to take me home at the end of the day too. Then Josh and I have dinner reservations to have our own little celebration tonight. We're having dinner at Benihana. Should be tasty!

Don't think I've mentioned it yet but I finally got my Bioness! It is awesome! And I use it every day twice a day. I usually use it first thing in the morning when I get up and then try to cram it in somewhere else during the day too. When I first got it I started with 20 minute sessions. Now I'm up to one hour sessions. And I think it might actually be helping. It's supposed to be really good for tone management and God knows I need that!

Had a pretty big event this weekend too. Went out to my sister's house on the Kitsap Peninsula on Saturday to a BBQ. Food and company was great but I think my favorite part was all the animals. Got to see the pigs and piglets, the ducks, the goats, the turkeys, the dogs, and the cats. Freakin' fantastic! So cute!

That's just about all I've got for now. Hope you're having a good day.

Ang

2010-08-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Things are going great here. Had a very busy week. Filled with lots of fun stuff. Monday night I dropped off Josh at the airport to go on a business trip. He went to Southern California to have a little taste of summer. So needless to say I spent the whole week partying it up, trying not to dwell on the fact that I was a single woman.

Tuesday was a great night for my friend Shannon came over and we got to hang out for a bit. Then Wednesday I went to the first TBI support group for young adults meeting for new group, that just formed at the UW. It was actually really great. There were other TBI survivors there, friends and family of those survivors, and even some educators of kids with TBI. And the group is led by a guy that I went to high school with. I never knew in high school that he had a TBI but I reconnected with him at the TBI conference this year a few months ago. I think the support group will be really good for me - it'll give me a chance to connect with other people who have TBI, get lots of information, and connect me with a lot of TBI resources. Then last night my friend Erin came over and we tried to watch a movie completely unsuccessfully because my Netflix took a big dump on me but we were completely successful with eating a very tasty dinner! Pasta with meat sauce, garlic bread, and Caesar salad. A feast fit for Queens!

And I did some really fun stuff with my mom yesterday. We got to go to JC Penney and do a little shopping. I got three T-shirts, one other shirt, and two hats. The hats are my favorite things! They are freaking awesome! I got one sock monkey hat and one bunny hat. Both are super cute! If and when you run into me do ask me about them. I have pictures of both of them on my phone. And goodness knows I'd love to show you. Plus before going to JC Penney, I got to go have a really nice lunch with Josh's mom. It was great! It was super nice to get to spend some time with her and connect. I think we just might make that a pretty common occurrence.

Now Josh is home. Yay! And we've got a dinner date with our friend Ted. Super tasty Mexican food is on the docket. Beacon Hill, here we come.

And no super huge plans for this weekend. Although I do have something I'm pretty excited about for tomorrow -there's a party at my sisters house and we're going to stop by. I'm most excited to see and hang out with my sister and I'm also pretty excited to squeeze at least one of her goats. I think she said she has three. So I'll be chasing and loving on livestock tomorrow. Don't know if it gets any better than that!

That's what I got for now. Talk at you later.

Ang

2010-08-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

First things first, thanks so much for all the replies. It really is a good motivator for me to keep doing the blog.

I did watch the movie on The Case for Faith. It was great! I recommend it to anyone who has the question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I think it does a great job of looking at that in light of the fact that there is a God, even a good God. Just kind of hits home for me how we don't know God's master plan and we really falter when we try to make God's plan match our plan.

And in light of that, I think it is really cool how people are reading this blog who have never even met me. Wow! Makes me feel like this is part of God's big plan for this accident. I'm effecting the lives of perfect strangers through this struggle and making a difference even for them. Points out to me how I probably couldn't even grasp it even if I did get a peek at God's big picture. Whew!

And hey, Ali, I had your friend, Janet, as my OT for two weeks when my regular OT was on vacation. Small world, huh!?!?

As for the Bioness - it's getting set up for me on this coming Tuesday. And I'm super excited about it! I think it'll really be helpful for me. Although I am a bit nervous because my OT mentioned something about me wearing it at work too. Might be sort of cumbersome to drag it to work and back on the bus.

And work is going great, by the way. I even got to help Jimmy inoculate tanks yesterday. And I successfully blew the PBS out of 10 tanks employing the work around my OT and I came up with. Success! I feel pretty darn good about running my experiments now. I feel completely capable! Maybe not as fast as I used to be, but I still think I can get it all done. And Monday marks the dawning of a new era at work. I'm getting my own cells for the first time since the accident! A little nervous but mostly just excited. We'll see how it goes.

And a really cool thing I got to do this week - I got to talk to the husband who is part of the couple who stopped and helped me the day of my accident. They were the ones who saw me in the street, pulled over, called 911, and then waited with me until the medics came. They even moved their car to block traffic to make sure I didn't get run over. It was really nice to get to say "thanks". Both Josh and I got to thank him. I'm so glad he picked up! Turns out they have since moved but he is supposed to visit in the next few months and said he'd call us when he's in town so we can take him out to dinner. Yeah!

And Josh and I got a little taste of normalcy last night. I took Josh out for a date night. It was so nice! We went to El Quetzal - a top notch Mexican restaurant on Beacon Hill. And I made it a surprise and wouldn't tell Josh where we were going before hand. And then we ate so much we had to come home and take naps. :) That's how we do it, Sweet style.

That's about what I've got for now.

We're headed to a friend's house for a party today. And I think I'm going to take my "hardware" with me. My "hardware" is what they took out of my arm. This friend of ours offered to have one of his friends weld it together and make something out of it. And our friend came up with a pretty cool sketch up of how to make it into a cross. I think I'm going to take him up on that offer. I'll post a picture of it when I get it back.

Okay. Talk at ya later.

Ang

2010-08-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Things are going pretty well here. Had a great weekend! My sister came and spent the night Friday night. AWESOME!!! She is RAD! I really enjoyed getting to spend some time with her and getting to know her a little bit. Then on Saturday we met up with my brother and his family and had lunch. Got to see my nephew, Angelo, again and boy, is he something else!!! He's talkative as all get out and cute as can be. He'll be one later this month. What a doll!

And I had a really good day at work today too. I got to help Jimmy with some harvests and it went surprisingly well. Turns out the work-around that my OT and I came up with works well to get the smaller tubing off a filter or a hose barb. Yeah! I'm beginning to think I might be able to do everything I could do before - it just might take me a little longer. The whole idea of having my own experiments is not quite so freaky any more. I think I can handle it.

And I did come to a new realization yesterday. I went to my uncle's house in Ballard and had a family dinner. When I got home I was spent! I don't know if it's because I drove myself there and back solo or if I coupled that with hanging out with a crowd. But I had to take a nap last night and when I woke up from it I just went to bed. Crazy! Especially considering it's been quite a while since I've had to nap. But this did hit home that if I get to this it is not an option for me to drive myself to therapy and then drive myself to work. Unless Amgen wants to pay me to sleep. Then it might be a possibility. And I found out one other thing yesterday too - it wasn't distracting for me at all to have songs I knew playing while I drove but I was super distracted by songs I didn't know on the radio. I think it might be that I can tune it out or just let it be background if it's familiar but if I don't know it then I am trying to divide my attention and pay attention to it. Which is not an option if I'm trying to drive. I think this might come up at work too. I can do lab work if something familiar is playing but I don't know if I'll be able to with the radio on playing songs I don't know. We'll see.

So all is well for the most part around here. I've been having little bits of struggle with where I'm at lately but they are relatively fleeting. I go through little bouts of being quasi depressed for a minute because I just imagine that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. It is never going to be easy or comfortable to walk again, my left arm is never going to go straight again, my arms aren't going to swing when I walk ever again, and my left side muscles are going to feel tight for the rest of my life. These things may be true but who knows. If you can make a minute, I would really appreciate some prayer here. Prayer for continued healing and to rest in knowing that I am in God's hands and He has a plan for me that is best for me. Prayer that I can let Him take the wheel and surrender myself to him would be great. It's just sort of weird and a little disappointing when I picture myself as a sixty or seventy year old woman who still can't put her arm straight or who still doesn't swing her arms when she walks. Just sort of a bummer.

Well, that's where I'm at. Hope y'all are well.

Thanks for keeping up.

And feel free to post any questions you might have. Heck, feel free to post. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone is still reading this. I keep getting feedback from people that they are, but posting here and there wouldn't hurt so I have tangible reminders that this is being read. At least by somebody.

Talk at ya later,

Ang

2010-07-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

Hi.

It has been a great couple of days! We had a pretty laid-back weekend. Lots of rest so that was nice. And now we're onto a whole new fun filled and exciting week.

Monday was a HUGE day for me at work! I pretty much confirmed that I can still do my job. I sampled tanks, fed them, and even added glucose! I sampled for the first time since the accident and it went really well! Then I found a new way to feed the tanks and it worked pretty well too. I used a feed bottle and just balanced it on top of the tank next to the one I was feeding and then let gravity do all the work. Lucky for me it was a feed day when all the tanks needed glucose along with their nutrient feed. I then devised a workaround so I could feed glucose to the tanks with a syringe. It worked really well too! This was a pretty nice surprise since I had previously been pretty worried about no longer being an asset at my job. Pretty worried, who am I lying to, I think it's more accurate to say I was exceptionally worried! But not anymore! Aaaaahhhhh!

And yesterday I got some really good news - I'm actually finally going to get a Bioness system for my left hand. It's supposed to come in the mail sometime tomorrow. I can't wait! The Bioness hand unit is pretty much an e-stim device where you don't have to figure out where to place the pads in order to make it work. It will help me with opening and closing my hand and it will help teach me how to fight the muscle tone. I'm really excited!

Not too much else. So far working six hour days is going okay. I'm supposed to finally get to see my brother today so that should be nice.

Talk at ya later,

Ang

2010-07-23T17:38:00.001-07:00

Hi.

Wow! Today was a great day! I'm up to working five hours M, W, F so today was a work day. I went to a great yoga class, as usual, and then headed into work. I had a really good meeting with my boss today wherein he assured me that even with a reduced speed on my lab work I am still a valuable employee. That is so nice to hear because I used to totally find my worth at my job through the insane amount of lab work I did. Now I know that it is not so much volume of work completed but also quality of work done. And it was GREAT today in the lab. Jimmy let me try sampling some of his tanks and I could totally do it! Hooray! It wasn't even all that hard. I'm not as quick as I used to be but I am 100% capable! I was pretty freaked about that. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle tanks any more. But now that I know I can run them I am much more at ease in general. Now I know that I can still be a worker bee in the lab. I was pretty afraid that I wouldn't be able to run tanks any more and then I was worried that I would no longer be an asset at work. But now I know that I can still do it, just less of it. Which really means just a more reasonable amount of it. WOO HOO!!! If that is not success, I don't know what is!

And it has been really nice getting to see my niece and nephew too. They are visiting from Alaska and I've gotten to spend a little time with them. We played Wii yesterday and we're making jam tomorrow and hopefully going swimming. And my niece was so nice today and went to the doctor with me and held my hand when I had to get a shot. What a gem!

I guess there's just one other piece of news that hits today out of the park - SoBo is on the way! Go Rach!

And yesterday went well too. Yesterday I had my qEEG. It was okay. Lots of goo on my head, but the lady said she got a good reading. In about three weeks I'll get a report about what was discovered. We'll see. But at least the groundwork has been laid for the neurofeedback. I'm really excited to start that!

And I finally got my butt in gear and went to gym at home yesterday too. It was really good. I was on the assmaster for 30 minutes at level 3. Pretty good for me! I have to say it was a pretty good feeling to be working hard enough that you can actually tell that you're not only sweating but you can feel drips of sweat running down your back. That is just solid confirmation that you're having a good workout. You are not wasting your time at the gym.

That's about all I've got.

I start 6 hours a day at work on Monday so that should be interesting. And I'm up for sampling all of Jimmy's tanks since he doesn't work Mondays. That should be really good. Now that I know that it's possible I'm not freaked out about it at all.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-07-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

Hola.

How you doing?

I'm great. Been a weird couple days the past few days. Yesterday was my first 5 hour day back at work. It was SHOCKING how much it took out of me! It's only one additional hour. But, wow, was I beat! I think my new way to try it is to skip cardio at the gym at work and just try to get in to actually working sooner. I definitely still want to go to the gym at work for my arm exercises with weights and yoga, but I think I might just try getting cardio in on the off days at the gym at home. We'll see.

And I spent a long time in the lab yesterday too. I was setting up more tanks and I tried some new stuff too. I tried blowing the PBS out of a tank for Jimmy. That used to be so easy but it is anything but any more! For those of you who don't know what that means, tanks have PBS put in them to keep the probes wet when they're prepped and then before you put cell culture in them you have to pressurize the tank and blow the PBS out so the tank is empty. Anyways, not easy anymore! At all! And the hardest part was trying to get the filter off the end of the tube. I'm going to take a similar setup into my OT appointment next week and see if they can help me come up with a work around. We'll see.

And all that difficulty was met gleefully by the general down in the dumps that was my attitude yesterday. I just kept feeling that I am already as better as I'm going to get. This is it so I shouldn't hope for anything more. And then it all got worked in (by the enemy) while I was praying for further healing and restoration that I am obviously ungrateful for how far God has brought me already. He really tried to get me feeling bad and like I haven't been grateful enough and due to that I really shouldn't get any more healing.

But I got to talk and pray through all of that with the ladies at my group last night. So take that, Satan!

Been a pretty good darn day thus far today! Josh worked from home and took me to my therapy appointments today so that's been nice. Even if I don't get to hang with him it really is just so nice and calming and comforting to know that he's here. Had PT and OT this morning. PT was ridiculously hard! I went forward and backwards on the balance beam today both regular walk and heel to toe! And then even once down standing sideways crossing one leg over the other! Holy you know what! Josh made a very good point when he said that he was VERY impressed since balance wasn't my strong suit even before the accident. :)

And I picked up the paperwork from the DOL about getting back to driving that my doc had to sign when I was in for therapy too. And I went to the DMV right by my house this afternoon and turned it in and they said I'm good to go! No requirement for me taking the driving test or written test over again! Yeah!!! So look out, I'll be back on the roads now!

And I learned a most valuable lesson this past weekend too. We saw Clay and Yvonne at Randy and Angela's baby shower and Clay and Yvonne had their daughter, Elise, with them. Elise is brilliant! She told me about making funfetti cookies. You make them out of the cake mix (which is my favorite). I just tried them and are they good!!! Ooooh, yum! Dangerous! I should probably get that whole cardio thing figured out before I get too into the funfetti cookies! :)

That's what I've got.

Talk at ya later.

Please, if you have any questions, ask away.

Bye.

Ang

2010-07-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Things are well here. Kind of nice getting back in the grind of working. And work is going REALLY well! I've been doing lab work the past few work days and it has been surprising. It is definitely harder than it used to be but doable. That's all I can really ask for. I've been setting up more tanks and it's going a pretty good darn deal faster already. That new base bottle strategy works like a charm! I just attached 10 base bottles to tanks yesterday. And I think it was A LOT faster than last week!

Got to see some fam visiting from Italy last night. Big dinner at Epulo with lots of great company! It was really nice.

The other big mentionable from yesterday was a FANTASTIC yoga class in the morning. In general my left side has been feeling tighter lately and this yoga class hit the spot! It was awesome - I felt my left quadricep stretch in one of the poses for the first time since the accident. And I forgot to mention it last post but I had an additional little victory in yoga on Wednesday. I was able to do a halfway decent tree pose with my left leg. Before Wednesday it had been a pathetic excuse for a tree pose-wanna be.

And speaking of victories - I am (as of Wednesday) off all prescription drugs! Woo hoo! My spasticity seems to be acting up a smidge more but my plan is to try to remedy that by reinstating daily stretching. We'll see.

That's about all I've got.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-07-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

Hey.

Sorry I've been absent for so long. My bad. Life is just getting busier. Another step back towards "normal".

Last post was Tuesday morning last week. The dawning of what turned out to be a GREAT day with Nate, Rebecca, Elliott, and Elizabeth. Nate, Rebecca, Josh, and I went to Coeur d'Alene for the day. What fun! We wandered through a bunch of shops, got a lemonade, and then we even got to take a sea plane ride over Lake Coeur d'Alene! It was really neat! And Rebecca got a really cute picture of me and Josh in the plane. Then in the afternoon we picked up the kiddos and went swimming at the hotel. Elliott has the best life jacket I've ever seen. It is such a pattern so that he can move around all he wants and isn't impeded by it at all. Cool! After swimming the adults headed out to dinner and Josh ate so much he made himself a little sick. He ordered ribs, baked beans, and cornbread and it was all fantastic! In my opinion the cornbread was most notable. It had about 1/4 inch thick topping on it that was some sort of brown sugar goodness. Delectable, for sure!

Then on Wednesday we drove home and I drove pretty much all the way from Moses Lake to Ellensburg! And it was really comfortable! Not sketchy at all!

Thursday and Friday were nice days of rest.

Then Saturday was freakin' awesome! We got to spend the day out at Snoqualmie Casino for Rumble on the Ridge. This was our first exposure to live cage fights and I certainly anticipate that it won't be our last. Most importantly, Demico pummeled his opponent and won by TKO at the tail end of the first round! Heck yeah! And I got to meet Demico and his wife after the fights. They had so much love for me when I first got hurt that it was nice to be able to say thanks and give a little love back.

And speaking of giving a little love back, I have a most super fun request of any and all of you keeping up on the blog - come celebrate life with me on August 28th at Feedback Lounge in West Seattle for my 1 year party. I can hardly believe I've almost it a whole year. Sometimes it seems like I've been recovering FOREVER and sometimes it feels like my accident was just yesterday. Check out this website to see the invite and RSVP: http://www.evite.com/pages/invite/viewInvite.jsp?inviteId=PGFWXELWAKIHDFPRNABQ&li=iq&src=email&trk=aei2

And other good news - I started working in the lab this week! I set up tanks for about 3 hours on Monday and about 1 and a half hours today. And the SUPER hard part that I found when I came and visited work in May I found a work-around for! I could not for the life of me figure out how to get a base bottle on in May and now I can. I totally developed a compensatory strategy on Monday and it continued to work today. Yesssss!

And I got my driving assessment final report in the mail the other day too. Now I just have to get the form from the DMV and get a doctor's signature before I am officially cool to drive. Look out - here I come!

And my last tidbit of fantastic news actually came about yesterday. I got to meet with a lady who is part of the big TBI study going on right now. They are funded by the NIH so it is a big one. Pretty cool if you ask me. Anywho, so I met with this lady as a recommendation of my primary TBI doc to become a candidate for the TBI Advisory Board. Awesome! And this lady told me that the advisory board listens to what's new with the study and helps direct the study twice a year. She also told me about community outreach stuff that's done to give information to the general public about TBI. I'm really hoping to get involved with that too. Should know more in a little more than a month. I get to meet with the PI for the study in late August. Freakin' SWEET!

Okey doke, that's what I got. Promise to be back sooner this time.

Bye,

Ang

2010-07-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

How ya doing? I'm great. Spokane has been fabulous so far! And the freeway driving on the way over here was good to. Josh had me drive for about half an hour between Vantage and Moses Lake. Boy, was it windy! But I made it! And I even got to drive over the bridge that crosses the Columbia River. Success? I think so.

Anyway, we got here early Sunday evening and went out to the river to hang with Uncle Victor and fam. It was great! And we had some tasty Italian Sausage and pasta too! Yessssss! We got to see Aunt Suzette and a few cousins too. Then we went over to Annette and Rob's place on the river for a little visit. Awesome! Got to see more cousins, some of their kids, and Auntie Annette and Rob. Fantastic!

Then yesterday we went and visited with Gram and had a very nice lunch with her. And we got to go see Gramps after that. That was really nice too. They both look great!

And we got to have dinner with our friends over here last night and they're coming to hang to today too. Takes about a nanosecond to be reminded why we love them so much. You guys are the best!

Sort of funny because Josh keeps mentioning how he could live over here. That makes one of us. Hee hee hee. :)

Hope you all had a great and safe 4th. Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-07-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Just have little day-to-day stuff for you this time.

Wednesday:
Good day. Went to work and got to go down in the lab and make plans for after 4th of July break. In case you don't know what 4th of July break is - Amgen gives us the whole week after the 4th of July off. It's our little summer shutdown. Anyways, made plans with Jimmy to help him with some lab work when I get back from break. I'm going to try to set up tanks for a few experiments he's got going up. Still don't really feel comfortable trying to run my own tanks since everyone I work with is pretty busy and it would just be adding stuff for them to do since I'm only there 3 days a week. Had a great yoga class and pushed it HARD doing cardio too. I actually felt my heart pounding in my throat. Whoo - that's some serious stuff!

Thursday:
Had a nice day. Went to OT and got a new splint for my left arm. This one serves the same purpose as my last splint by taking my extensor maximus for my thumb out of commission. Forces me to use my extensor minimus which really needs some help. If left to my own devices I hyper extend using the maximus when I want to straighten my thumb. This just makes that no longer possible to train me to go a different route. This new splint also goes up my forearm and keeps my wrist in neutral. My wrist likes to try bending in before I use it so this just takes that out of commission.

Friday:
Sort of like a ghost town at work the day before break. But another great yoga class. And then had a dentist appointment. Just a cleaning. Although it was sort of like time travelling to actually be nervous about going to the dentist. Haven't had that feeling in years. Going to the dentist has been just going to see my friend Lucy since I became friends with her. Lucy's been my dentist since I moved to West Seattle. Another great thing from Friday was getting a ride to work. A friend pulled over and picked me up at the bus stop on her way to work. Had a great visit with Erin and we talked about how life is, current struggles we're both having, etc. Got to pray for her and get prayed for by her too. What a great way to start a day!

And on to today - Saturday:
Just trying to prep for our Spokane trip mostly. Get to do some freeway driving on the way over. And Josh and I blitzed the house today. Just in time since we're hosting a little get-together to watch the UFC fights tonight. Hope Brock Lesnar gets knocked out! And I'm making corned beef for dinner too. Yum! Ooh, and I started a new adventure today too - new therapy stuff. I started tracing patterns I got from my OT with a marker using my left hand. Not too shabby. Definitely feels weird. So much wiggling! Who knew it would ever be this hard to just use my left hand?!?! It feels so out-of-control at times that it's almost like someone else's hand is doing the tracing. Kind of weird to actually see your own body parts moving around and not really feel like their yours at all. Here's how I did:

That's all I've got. Have a good 4th of July!

Ang

2010-06-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

It's been a good day! Had my driving assessment today. Got a little worried about it - mostly just nervous. The man showed up and I did one neuropsych-type test with him. I think I did pretty well. Only got a few answers wrong. It was a weird visual, spatial test. One part of it you had to look at these pictures and there were similar ones below with holes missing. You had to be able to tell which one was exactly the same if the holes were filled in. And there was another part where there were four pictures and three were exactly the same but rotated and the other was exactly the same picture only the mirror image. You had to choose the mirror image. Whoo - talk about enough to wear your brain out. Then we did the driving part of the assessment and we took our car. Glad I've been practicing a little with Josh. I was pretty comfortable. We started out just on the neighborhood streets and worked our way up to arterial roads. Then the instructor told me to get on the West Seattle Bridge! I've not driven above 35mph yet so that was all new. Then once we were on the bridge I was about to ask where on 1st Ave S he wanted me to get off and he actually said, "Get on I-5 North." Holy you-know-what! I DID IT! I drove on the freeway! And I went all the way down to Olive and got off the freeway just to get back on going south! So back home we went. And then, the best part, once I was home and parked (not a small victory) we went back in the house and guess what the instructor told me?!?! He said I don't need any adaptive equipment for my car AND he said I don't need any lessons to improve my driving! Freakin' Sweet! He said I'm okay to drive! He's going to write a report that talks about his assessment of my driving skills and send it to me by the end of the week. I was freaked this whole driving thing was going to be a big pain in the butt. I was afraid that the assessment would be followed by seemingly endless lessons. But NO! All I need is this guy's report, a signature from my doctor that it's to officially make me okay to drive. The DMV might still want me to re-take the driving test but now I'm not scared even if I have to.

And Josh let me take the car solo to the bank today. Big step! In the desired direction! And I had to go to the bank because I got my Meow his birthday present today. Awesome! And we just pretended that today was his birthday so he got his treat today and he really liked it. Oh yeah, I'm the best wifey ever!

Really looking forward to our little Spo-Compton get away this weekend. Can't wait!

That's my big news. Talk at y'all later.

Ang

2010-06-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Not much today - for real. Had a pretty laid back weekend. Got to have a whole date day Saturday. Josh and I got up in the morning and went to the Greenwood car show. It was neat. And has really grown! I remember when we went a few years ago and it seemed like it was only a few blocks long. This year it went from 67th to 90th! And I walked the entire way! There and back! It totaled up to about 3 miles! Holy you-know-what! That is no joke! And I have to say my favorite car was a black with red stripes Barracuda. Oh - the drool happens even just thinking about it.

After the car show we went out for dinner and saw a movie. Delish dinner and then we went and saw Johah Hex. At least Josh saw Jonah Hex. I fell asleep. :) I think all the walking at the car show wore me out. Then by the time we got home I sat on the couch for all of five minutes before I just caved in and retired to bed. And slept like the dead.

Got to practice driving a bit too this weekend. It was alright. My left arm seems mostly unusable in the car. I have my driving assessment tomorrow. We'll see what they say.

Then I was back at it at work this morning. Spent some time reviewing old experimental reports for the project I was working on when I got hurt. Wow! What a ton of work was done on this project! But it all seems to make sense so far so that's good.

That's about it.

Any questions?

Bye,

Ang

2010-06-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Don't have much for ya today. Just been chugging along. That's a lie - I've got a HUGE thing to share today.

Thanks to Uncle Taub, I mean Uncle Mark, I've got a whole new challenge going strong today. I am now eating some with my left hand!!! It all started Thursday night when we had a big family dinner at Epulo. I was sitting next to Uncle Mark (who is a PT in Pennsylvania) and he wrapped a napkin around a spoon and asked me if I was willing to try out my dessert with my left hand. My dessert was a bunch of cut up strawberries in a pile of rosemary whipped cream so I decided to give it a shot. The spoon was WAY easier to use when it was wrapped with the napkin. Thanks, Uncle Mark! Anyways, I DID IT! And I didn't even spill. So as not to overstate what it was like, it was not dainty in the least. It was pretty much me holding the spoon in my fist and then opening my mouth as wide as I could and just barely managing to get the spoon in at a weird angle. It's not pretty but it works! And since then I've done it with applesauce Friday morning and night and I ate my yogurt Friday morning with my left hand too! Success? I think so. In a BIG way!

Didn't take up much space on the blog, but if I was telling you in person you'd know how big of a deal it is to me. This is HUGE! So maybe you should all just read it again. I'd probably repeat myself if you were listening to me, so that might be a good idea. :)

And that accomplishment has just been the tip of the iceberg in the near future. Yesterday morning I tried and was able to brush some of my hair with my left hand. Some I still can't reach because of the elbow, but I was able to reach some. And I think my plan is to start trying to brush my teeth with my left hand at night. And this morning I'm going to make the attempt to get all my medes out and ready with my left hand using my right hand as the helper. It'll be a big switch-a-roo but I think my brain needs to be reminded that I want more than helper status out of that left hand.

So that is my BIG news. Hope you all enjoyed it. Feel free to ask me to show you something new and crazy with my left hand when you see me next.

I guess another cool thing I can report is that I found out Monday last week in yoga that I can touch the back of my head with my left hand. I have to have my right hand help my left hand to get there, but I can reach. Putting my hair in a ponytail is not going to me a stretch goal for long! Woo hoo!

Hope this finds you all well. Have a great weekend.

Ang

2010-06-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

It has been a GREAT few days! Especially today!

Today I got up at 5 o'clock (like usual on work days) but this morning was all together different. This morning I didn't feel like I was dragging ass. I felt well rested and awake. Awesome! And, duh, it was because I actually heeded my husband's advice finally. I went to bed at 9 last night. Boy oh boy, that Josh guy really knows what he's talking about. :) He's been telling me to go to bed at 9 for at least a week and last night I finally listened. Before I had been laying down at 9 but screwing around until 10:30ish. Last night I actually went to bed at 9. Wow! What a difference getting enough sleep makes! Thanks, Meow.

Then the bus driver was on crack or something this morning because she got us downtown super fast. Thus I was able to catch an earlier shuttle and get all my arm exercises done before yoga even started. And it was another FANTASTICAL day of yoga. Thank you, Stacie!

And I got to pick up my tickets to go see Demico fight at the Rumble on the Ridge cage fights next month. Thank you, Dan! I'm super excited about that! Should be a great time! And, as weird as it sounds, Demico is my only visual memory from all my time in the hospital. The only thing that I can picture in my head from the whole three months in the hospital/nursing home is the picture that Demico sent me hanging up at the foot of my bed in Harborview Inpatient Rehab. I can still see where he wrote on it "Keep Fighting" like he really knew me. I'm hoping to get the chance to meet him after the fight in July and thank him for the picture. I think it really helped me. Nothing like an MMA fighter telling you to "keep fighting" to keep you motivated while relearning how to walk, etc.

Then when I got into work I gave a talk about brain injury to my department and it went really well. Lots of questions and discussion. And lots of "wow"s. Now there's a whole department of scientists that know more than they ever wanted to about brain injury. And my mom came too! She was able to answer all the questions about the time I don't really remember.

After my talk I got to go help with Take Your Kid To Work Day. What fun! I manned a shrinky dink station and made trinkets for kids.

Yesterday was a good day too. I got to have lunch with some friends and it was great! Thanks, ladies! I also made another step forward on the neurofeedback front. Looks like my insurance will at least partially cover it! I got all the billing details worked out with the receptionist yesterday. Yeah! Hopefully that'll be coming soon.

And Monday contained a HUGE success! I am now officially done with my HBOT treatments! I think it was a pretty big help. It really made possible multitasking and dramatically improved my ability to sequence. And most people have seen marked improvements for about a month after their treatments are completed. So we'll see what's coming next. I'll certainly keep you updated.

Another AWESOME thing from Monday was when Josh and I planned to go visit Nate and Rebecca over 4th of July. Perfect! We've been wanting to go see them since the accident. They have been such a huge support for us through this whole thing. Don't think we could have asked for anything more from them, really. So excited! And Mom helped us get a hotel room so we don't even have to take up a bunch of space in their house. Yessssssss. Can't wait to see you guys!

That's about it.

Have a good one.

Ang

2010-06-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

Hi.
Wow! This is a whole new trip! I'm actually writing this blog entry with my NaturallySpeaking program at work. No need to be worried, I've already completed my four hours of work for the day. I am not doing this on company time.

Things are going well for me. Had a good weekend filled with potlucks. The multicultural one had a bunch of delicious food, most of it I didn't know what it was, but that's never stopped me from eating anything before. The potluck on Sunday was accompanied by a riveting game of Apples to Apples. What fun!

And today at work I got to try something all new. I went in the lab, was able to get gloves on, and wandered around and checked stuff out. It was sort of like getting reacquainted with where everything is. Went really well if you ask me. None of my coworkers were in the lab so I didn't get to help out with any actual lab work but I think that is coming in the near future. Feel free, Jimmy, to load me up with work. He hee hee.

Tomorrow's a big exciting day as well. I have OT in the morning and then I'm getting to meet up with some friends for lunch at my favorite little restaurant, make that dive bar, in West Seattle. My mom has offered to be super sweet and be the clan babysitter while me and the two mamas enjoy some lunch. Should be a good time.

Don't know if I've mentioned it before or not but along with going back to work I've also been able to go back to yoga. This morning's class was great! Stacie is pretty much my hero. This morning Byron, my left hip, was enjoying himself greatly at yoga class. He was getting more action than he's seen in quite some time. My pectorals were pretty happy too!

I think that's about all I've got. Have a good one.

Ang

2010-06-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

Well, a few big things in the past the few days. The biggest of which was a Thursday event where I came to a new "Duh!". I had a FANTASTICAL doctors appointment on Wednesday that I'll tell you about in a minute but Thursday was the real goods. Thursday I was thinking about how good the doctors appointment was the day before and it just hit me like a ton of bricks - that was a God thing. Duh! But it was a huge deal for me to recognize that this was such an efficacious way of Him slow-pitching to me that He is involved in ALL of it! He really cares like a dad. He is involved and cares about even the minutia and not just the big stuff. Yeah, he woke me up from the coma and made sure I didn't die in the accident itself, but He's not done there! He cares about and is even involved in the day-to-day stuff like follow-up doctors appointments! And if you'd have asked me about this before I'd have given you the same answer, but it would have been just from my head. I knew in my head that He operated this way, but Thursday that transitioned and now I know it in my heart. It's so weird the difference between knowing something in your head and KNOWING something in your heart. Cool, huh?!?!

So the TBI follow-up appointment on Wednesday - better than my wildest dreams could have imagined. I had the stretch goal of talking about getting off my prescribed medications and not only did I get that accomplished but even more than that, I got a doctor's referral to get Botox injections in my hand to help with the muscle tone! I had asked about that before and gotten shot down so I didn't even think that was a path I was going to get to try. And I didn't even bring it up, she did! Holy you know what! Excellent!

And thanks for the questions too.

The story about my unknown sister is she came from my Dad's girlfriend between wife #2 and #3. I only remember meeting her once when she was 1 or so. Just sort of disappeared after that. Seemingly randomly she re-connected with my dad about a month ago and from that came our re-hook-up. Fantastic! I think it's the beginning of a life together. I really like her!

As for the "what I'm doing at work" question - I'll be doing pretty much the same thing. My boss is working REALLY well with me to let me try it at my own pace. I'm going to try getting back in the lab next week. Then I'll add stuff back in little by little as I'm comfortable. I've just been doing desk stuff and meetings so far, but lab-work is to come. On the very near horizon. So my job will remain a mystery to pretty much everyone as me doing "weird science stuff". But that is great news! Especially to me!

Just one more big thing then I'll let you go. Had an amazing little date night last night! Josh and I got to go walking in Lincoln Park just like before the accident. It was stellar! He's been wanting to do that, and by that I mean pretty much dreaming about it, since I was in my coma. So it was a BIG step! In the direction we like even!

Maybe I lied about that ONE more bit. My bad. I've got a few more big things. One is that I almost done with HBOT. I'll be done on Monday. And I think it's really helped. Multitasking and sequencing are no longer things I hope will come back some day. THANK YOU JOSH! For doing all the research and finding HBOT as an option and then making it a reality for me!

And speaking of that, Josh isn't done yet. He found neurofeedback too as something that could really help me. It's a kind of biofeedback that can be used to treat TBI. And not only did he find out about it but he found a reputable place in Bellevue that does it. So we went out there and had an informational meeting with that doc Thursday. Think that will be my next treatment option. I'll let you know more about it once I start.

And this upcoming week will be an exciting one too. I get to give a presentation at work. Oh it's so Amgen related - NOT! I made a talk about my kind of brain injury to bring all my co-workers up to speed. The talk is on Wednesday, I'll let you know how it goes.

And one last thing. I mean it this time. Just one more. This is proof of my big success in PT last Tuesday. I successfully walked the balance beam! You read correctly, THE BALANCE BEAM! Wow! Here's a little video if it will work...

That's pretty much what I've got for now.

Have a good one.

Ang

2010-06-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Sorry I've been AWOL lately. Life has just gotten pretty busy. Oh boy, another step closer to "normal". God knows I was always going sixty miles a minute before the accident. To try to catch you up in the order things happened is probably the easiest way for me to try and stay quasi-organized.

First things first - last Friday I got moved into my new office at work. Holy toledo IT IS NICE!!! I got my boss' old office and it is actually a shared office that I am just not going to share. So that alone means it is HUGE! And it doesn't just have a window - one whole wall is windows! AWESOME!!! I kinda feel like I'm being spoiled. But I started with my voice activated software on Monday and it really makes sense. I cannot even begin to describe how distracting/annoying/irritating it would be to have to be sitting next to someone using that software. I'm really relieved that I have a separate space so not only can I focus but so can others around me. Good thinking, doc. It's like doctors make these sorts of recommendations all the time. Like it's their job or something. :)

Then Saturday - a good and devastating day all wrapped up in one. Good day because our community group went out and invited people in Highpoint to the potluck we're hosting this Saturday. Met lots of people. It was fun. Devastating day because Chuck is done fighting in the UFC. Watching him and Franklin fight was fun but it was hard to see him get knocked out. I think it would have been a tough fight seeing either one of them lose.

On to Sunday. Sunday was great. I got to go to the Tacoma Dome and see my sister's high school graduation. That's right, my SISTER'S! It was pretty neat to get to meet her. She is unbelievably witty! And so darn pretty too. Wow! Makes me wish I would have known her while she was growing up. Probably would've made life even more fun. But hey, at least I get to know her now.

Now to Monday. Another good but busy day. I had a wonderful new experience Monday. I got up early and went to the 7am yoga class at the gym at work. WOW! It was fantastic! The teacher was so great and she came and helped me specifically when I couldn't do a pose. All I could do was think over and over again that this would have been so great to do when I was learning to walk. Stacie was amazing! And I'm really excited because it is scheduled for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning. Cool! I get to do it three times a week!

And finally, on to today. I have a checkup with my TBI doc this morning and I think I made a big step in progress this morning. Sounds weird, I know, but I had an itch in the arch of my left foot this morning when I was getting out of the shower. I don't think my left foot has itched in almost 10 months. Step in the right direction. Irritating step, but step nonetheless.

That's all I've got. Have a good day.

Ang

2010-06-09T15:03:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Not too much up here. Just keep doing the do. Only a few little things to talk about.

First things first, I think I made a pretty big step back to normalcy today. I worked this morning had a pretty stressful day because I felt like I was in a rush and not terribly productive all day. Now I kinda see this as a good thing because I actually got stressed about something non-accident related. Not a fun step to take but still a step in the desired direction. I just felt like I was late all morning and was perpetually chasing my tail. Always working hard but never quite accomplishing anything. Grrrrr.

On another not quite so nice note I sorta feel like I'm moving in the wrong direction recovery-wise. Over the past four days or so I've noticed my pins and needles actually becoming more pronounced. I don't know if they're actually getting worse or if I'm just paying more attention to them. Either way not something I want. They were so much better for the last month and a half that I was really not being bothered by them until I was lying in bed at night. But not any more. Now they bug me constantly like it was before. Especially in my face. And I can't put my finger on anything that's really changed to go along with this. Bummer. Oh well, I have another TBI checkup next Wednesday so we'll see what the doc says about it.

Also in the land of wrong direction - I feel like my walk is actually getting tougher. I feel like my left knee is a lot more wobbly. Like the clonus is kicking in and my leg is bouncing with pretty much every step I take. In case you're up for it and wondering, here's a reasonable definition of clonus: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clonus. At any rate it is just feeling a lot sketchier to walk around. My mom suggested that maybe I should go back to using my cane. That is something I certainly don't want to do but maybe it's a good idea. Better than falling. I have an appointment with my PT on Tuesday. If it's still harder then I'll definitely talk to him about it. Hopefully it's just a temporary thing and will be gone by then.

I think that's about it.

I signed up to give a talk at work today. I made a slide deck on brain injury for my speech pathologist when I first came home. Don't know when I'll actually get on the schedule. But I did practice it last night.

Really, that's all I've got.

Talk at ya soon.

And I am still soliciting questions so send away.

Ang

2010-06-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Not much, just doing the do. Had a nice weekend. Saturday I got to love on Josh a little since he just finished his Master's. We went for a couples massage at Alki View Massage. Freakin' SWEET! Never knew a good rub down could be so great. And not only did we get good massages but we got to pet a delightful hound too. Emma is a St. Bernard and she is wonderful!

Got to have good dinner with a friend Thursday night too. And with a dearly loved couple of friends Friday night. It was some of the first times we've hung out with people and not just talked about how I'm doing or other accident related stuff. It was nice. Almost felt "normal".

And went to the psychologist on Friday too. Got good info / confirmation about the whole trying to remember thing. Pretty much think I will not pursue that path. Actually, pretty much sure I will not pursue that path. If it comes to me in the future I'll deal with it then. And if not then I'll just trust that it is a little gift from God and my body's way of protecting itself by not remembering and leave it at that.

And got to go to a weird party today. Weird because it feels sort of Twilight Zone-ish and makes me feel old. The party was a graduation party for my cousin. She's graduating from high school. I remember when she was a baby. Wow - she's graduating from high school! When it all boils down that proves that I am old. Oh well. Better old than dead.

I have a few things to look forward to in the upcoming week. My 30th HBOT session is one of them. Another is that the DVR lady (division of vocational rehabilitation) from UW is going to come do a site visit at Amgen on Wednesday morning. I also have my first "conference" with my occupational rehab lady and my boss-man this Wednesday. Woo hoo.

Don't have much else.

Maybe I'll do another call for questions since my life is getting a little more "back to normal" i.e. boring. Please feel free to give me some fodder for my next few posts.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-06-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

Hope all is well. Life is pretty good for me. I finished up my psychotherapy group this afternoon. It was great! I think the coolest part was getting to re-take this self-assessment we took when the class started. When we were done taking it we got to compare it back to the one we took at the beginning of the class. It really showed all the progress I've made in the last 8 weeks. I was up in almost every category. I stayed the same in "irritable and anger" and improved in every other category. "Irritable and angry" asked about feelings that range from being annoyed and exasperated to more intense feelings of anger and range at self and others. The other categories were "self esteem", "depression", "frustrated", "accurate perception of self", "dependence on others", "involvement in meaningful activity", and "coping skills". You were supposed to rate all of them on a scale from 1 to 10 with 1 being frequently... and 10 being the best it could be. Pretty enlightening really. And the biggest increase in score was in the "involvement in meaningful activity" subsection. It was asking about participating in past or new recreational, volunteering or work activities that bring satisfaction, socialization, and purpose to life. I think that went up the most because I'm back at work and started serving in the Children's Ministry again at church.

I closed another chapter today too. As of this afternoon I am finished with speech therapy. Hot dog! Didn't see that one coming. But I'm not all that surprised either.

That's about it.

Headed back to work tomorrow. I got the Dragon naturally speaking program and tomorrow I'm going to try to install it and make it work. We'll see how that goes.

Signing off.

Ang

2010-06-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Not much to report. But I did finish my cognitive group at UW today. Yeah! It was really good but I'm glad it's over. And my psychotherapy group will be complete on Thursday. Little bits of progress. Little by little.

And I'm gearing up for my second week back at work starting tomorrow. Should be good. Even though it is work at least it is also a little step back to normalcy. And I got confirmation that I am getting moved into an office. My boss' old office, in fact. And I am surprisingly okay with it. It is just Amgen's way of trying to help me succeed. Can't possibly be upset about that. I've already started joking with some of my co-workers that when I get moved in I'll call them and say, "step into my office". Or I'll teach them a secret knock and nobody is getting in unless they know the secret knock. :)

And I did have a great weekend. It was the first official weekend I just got to hang out with my husband in I don't know how long. I can't even remember the last time we just got to hang out. And that isn't even because of my TBI. It's because he's been in school seemingly forever. But now he is officially done! Josh is now "Master Sweet" since he's done with his MBA and now has a Master's degree.

I also got to play "tag along" with Josh and one of our buddies and go shooting this weekend. I had to shoot one-handed so I limited myself to only shooting our 380 and .38 special. But it is confirmed, I still have my ability to shoot. What fun! It was kind of weird - in the lanes when people shot a 9mm or larger my left arm twitched. I wasn't surprised by the loud bang but my left arm jumped up a bit pretty much every time it happened. Like my arm was surprised by the sound. Weird.

And I got to visit the new puppies at Josh's folk's place. SO CUTE!!! They were just three weeks old and I even got to hold one. I tried to name him Lee but we'll see if it sticks.

One other success this weekend - got to go back to serving at church. Did check-in for the kids at the 11:15 on Sunday and it went really well. Hopefully I'll get signed up to serve every other week.

That's about all I've got.

Ang

2010-05-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Wowza! God just did a number on me! And I mean A NUMBER!!! We just got home from church and Mark preached through the tail end of Luke 7 about the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears. Holy toledo! It was like Jesus just peeled some scales from over my eyes. He revealed to me that this accident has just been Him doing His thing yet again in my life. He has pieced my body back together like he pieced my soul back together when I first met Him.

When I first came to Christ a number of years ago the hardest part for me was wrestling through my past. I just didn't get how any God could ever love me when I had done so much bad stuff and had so much bad stuff done to me. I was dirty and defiled. I felt like a whole new me when I learned that Jesus knows everything about us and still chooses us despite all that and loves us and sees us as clean. I had never thought ANYONE would EVER see me as clean after my teenage years. Let alone the life I led before that.

And, finally, now I get it...God loves me despite this accident and still sees me as His child not as a TBI survivor. This accident and it's aftermath do not define me. Jesus does.

And believe it or not I am actually in a place where I'm glad this accident happened. I see it now as a gift from God and a striking new way for me to be able to introduce people to Him and give Him glory. AWESOME! He has given me this great tool to be able to explain the transformation He did in my heart when I first met him even to people who don't know Him. Everyone can see the transformation that's been done in my body. I was in a coma and then paralyzed and now I can walk and even balance on my previously paralyzed leg. And this is just a taste of what He did in my heart. Wow!

I can't wait to tell pretty much anyone who is willing to listen to me. Thank you, Jesus! Thanks for being who you say you are, loving me, showing me copious amounts of grace, and sticking with me while I figure out the big E on the eye chart. I am so glad I came to know Him!

That pretty much sums it up. Any questions or comments would be much appreciated.

Word vomit at ya later.

Ang

2010-05-28T06:43:00.001-07:00

Hi.

Lots to say but really not that many words. Here goes...

I'm officially a working girl again. Work went great on Wednesday and I'm headed back today. It was fun to get to see people I hadn't seen in a while, especially JoBrida, and all went well. I think the most shocking thing was that once I was able to log on to my computer again I opened my email and was greeted by 1720 emails! That's not a typo - 1720!!! So it'll be a while before I can wade through all of them. And today I'm going to have a meeting with my boss to find out what I'll be working on. And what I'm most excited about - today I get to go back to the Amgen gym! Yeah!!!

Let's see - what else...I am just about done with my cognitive and psychotherapy groups at UW. Next week they'll both wrap up. And I just can't say enough about how much I've enjoyed them! I've learned a lot and made a new friend too.

And that new friend just had a knee replacement and I got to go visit her yesterday with Mom. She made the funniest joke - Mom couldn't remember something and she told Mom to use the excuse, "I can't remember because my daughter has a brain injury (TBI)." I think that is SO funny!

That's about all I've got but I can't sign off without saying one more thing:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!! Love you!

That's it.

Bye.

Ang

2010-05-25T17:29:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Lots of progress to report.

The biggest of which is - I'LL BE BACK TO WORK TOMORROW!!! Dottore is giving me a ride there and Mom is picking me up. So we're on! And I don't even have to fret about the office. I don't have one yet but it is still in the works. And thanks much for the super helpful responses to my last blog entry. I am totally okay even if I do get an office. It's just a tool to help me be more successful. That's all. I don't need to attach any big meaning to it that it doesn't really carry. Should be good. I'm interested to see how long it takes me to wade through 9 months worth of emails. It'll be interesting at the very least. And I'm excited to be back around all my work buddies. If fact those numbers have actually increased since I've been gone. Thanks to this blog. And some big hearts. I'm blessed to be able to call more of you friends than ever before. Though it is quite possible I'll actually lose my voice from saying "thank you" so much to all the people who have stood by me through this whole adventure. You know who you are. And, thank you.

Next one is that I am almost done with my cognitive and psychotherapy groups at UW. And boy have they been good. I think I may have even made a new friend through them. And I've learned a ton! I'm so glad I signed up for both of them.

Also had a pretty big success today at PT. I walked across the balance beam! I fell off it at least once too but I stayed on it more than once as well. Who knew that was ever going to be possible again?!?! Bet you wouldn't guess I was paralyzed less than a year ago! Hallelujah! Miracle indeed! Go Jesus!

And yesterday I drank soda out of a can with my left hand and did the running game on the Wii. The game consisted of me jogging in place. And I did it! And I was able to lift the soda can to my mouth and tip it backward without spilling all down the front of myself!

And in the last few days I've ventured out and discovered that I can do stairs step over step without holding onto the rail! Both going up and going down! Yesssssssss! Success!

What the heck is coming next?

Feel free to do a little happy dance to celebrate with me. God knows I've been happy dancing plenty lately. Maybe even futterwacking?!?!

Talk at ya soon. I'll let y'all know how work goes.

Ang

2010-05-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Not too much new here. Just working through three tough new things. One is just confusion, one has me wondering more than anything, and the other I just something I have to sit in until I can convince myself it's not that bad of a place to be.

First one first, ahhh confusion. I was thinking about how I don't remember the accident and trying to decide if I wish I did. It is definitely hard for it to be an unknown. And I know that not knowing what happened will just continue to eat at me little by little for the rest of my life. But there's a lot that I'm glad I don't remember. Like the whole coma, those first three surgeries, and the weeks of non-coherence coming out of the coma. Not to mention the whole pain thing. I'm sure that the accident hurt like you know what and I bet I was really scared for the first 4 hours when I was laying in the street and by myself in the ER. I consider it a huge blessing that I don't remember all that. Nor do I want to. But knowing what exactly happened to cause the accident would be nice. I would like to know that. So do I try hypnosis to help jog the memory? Or try something else to try to bring it back? Who knows. And if I do try to get something to help jog the memory can I be selective about what it jogs? I only want back what happened in the accident itself. I don't want any of the other 7-8 weeks that I don't remember. If it has to be all or none I choose none. I think it's my body's protection system to "erase" all that stuff in the first place. Thank you, Jesus that I don't have to relive any of it! And if I did remember the accident what would that be like? I imagine it might be really scary. Would it just be remembering what happened like watching a movie or would it be remembering it like it just happened like reliving it? And do I really want to know what happened bad enough to want to relive it? Would that make me too scared to even walk down the street ever again? What would the aftereffects be? These questions are fodder for my next session with the psychologist. Should be a good meeting a week from Friday.

On to the second thing, just wondering. I was talking with my mom about this whole thing and she told me to just "let go and let God". You know, give it to God and let Him have it. I would love to but my problem is that I don't have any idea what that looks like. I've given plenty of my life over to God including things I've done and things that have been done to me. But all those things just had emotional aftereffects. Those things lived on in me by making me feel a certain way or be afraid of a certain thing. Like the whole being a teenage drug addict thing, when I gave that to God I felt so free of it. I no longer felt like I was keeping a secret, like I was dirty or stupid from having done it, or guilty for all those bad decisions. I felt like it no longer defined me, like I now found my identity in Christ not in what I had done. Giving it to Jesus really made me feel known and free from from it. It no longer haunted me. I felt cleansed of it, like it was no longer a big stain on who I was. But this whole thing has me wondering. What will it be like to give this accident to God? I certainly feel like this accident defines me in many ways. I feel like my more important identity is as a child of God, but I still get some of my identity by what has happened to this child of God. It feels really weird, not really getting it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I "give" this accident to Jesus it won't just go away like some of the other things I have given to God. I'll still have the scars and physical limitations to remind me of it. More than anything I want for God to be glorified through this series of miracles He's doing in me. I want to suffer well for God's glory. I want Him to be made much of and for His name to be made great through this whole adventure and I'm really just trusting in blind faith that He'll let me know what I need to do when to get that done. What else can I do? Any ideas? Any responses?

And on to number three - the one I just have to sit in until I can think about it differently. This one has to do with back to work. Big surprise, I won't be back tomorrow. But I'm hoping it'll be in the next week or so. The paperwork that I finally got signed by my doc said that one of my restrictions is that I need a distraction-free environment. So my boss and the occupational health nurse at my job are trying to achieve this by getting me a more private office area. This totally freaks me out because the way I hear this is they're trying to get me an "office". No one at my level gets an office at my company! Or even 2 levels above me! You pretty much have to be a big-wig to get an office at Amgen and a big-wig I am not! I am far from it! So I'm a little stressed about getting my own space and that it'll be super embarrassing. As for the thinking about it differently - I've started. When I take two seconds to assess the situation in reality I realize that this is not a bad idea since I'll be using voice activated software and if I have a more private area then I won't be distracting and bugging others. And when I take a deep breath I hear the occupational health nurse explaining to me that she just wants to set me up for success and to stack the odds in my favor for when I do come back. They're not trying to make me stick out like a sore thumb, they are on Team Sweet and just want this to be a successful integration back into the work force. All these people want is for me to be successful when I come back. And since when is an office a bad thing?!?! Then I can say to my coworkers, "step into my office..." and they can! It might not be so awesome if they stick me in a broom closet or part of the men's bathroom but then I can just work hard to get back to my old desk. In my psychotherapy group this is called adaptive thinking. The yes, I can do this, and it can be good, ways of thinking. I think this whole thing is making me an adaptive thinking pro.

Well, that's what I've got for now. Any comments/suggestions/nice feedback would be much appreciated. You can keep the nasty/snarky remarks to yourself.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-05-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Back again. With new successes in hopefully fewer words.

To start it all off - had quite the successful PT therapy session on Tuesday. I actually started working on my walk in a way where it all comes together. Flo, here I come. Just to fill most everybody in, I have a weird naming fetish that started with my left leg in inpatient therapy while I was still living at Harborview. It all stared with naming my left knee with my PT at the time so we could tell "her" to get going. Anyways, my left knee is Mildred. My left hip is Byron. And my left thumb is Bentley. But what my outpatient PT and I have been working towards is Flo, the name of when my walk all comes together and starts to flow. And we are just about there! I'm now working on Flo. And I did it in front of a mirror and it actually looks normal too! I just focus on bringing my left hip forward when I step that leg forward and that triggers the knee to bend more so my foot doesn't drag. Then I just think about walking in the same plane as doing heel to toe stepping. And when I'm not thinking too hard my arms actually move too! Pretty neato! And the most neato part - I got authorization to pretty much be done with my cane! I'm just supposed to take it with me if I'm going walking somewhere that I know is uneven or if I'm going to be in a big group of people. Pretty darn good if you ask me. Although I have noticed a marked increase in the number of dirty looks getting out of the car in a handicapped space when I don't have my cane. But I'm willing to find a way to live with that. However, I still feel authorized to use the handicapped bathroom stall. I think I get to use that as long as I have the parking pass.

Another big success was Wednesday morning though it may only seem like a big deal to me. I made taco pie completely on my own. That includes browning ground beef and draining the fat! Up until yesterday morning I hadn't been comfortable doing that. Mom had always helped me or just done it, or Josh would. But my OT came up with the idea to use a slotted spoon and move all the meat to a separate container after it was all cooked and then just pour the fat out of the frying pan. And it worked like a charm! That OT is simply brilliant! Thanks, Beth!

And the other success - and boy is it a big one - I GOT MY BACK-TO-WORK PAPERWORK SIGNED BY MY DOCTOR AND TURNED IN!!! And even got an email back from my contact at the disability company without any requests for changes! So I might actually make it back to work by Monday. I'm hoping to hear something tomorrow. I'll let you know. That was tougher than I ever imagined!

That's about all I've got. Talk at y'all soon.

Ang

2010-05-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

I've got lots to share so buckle your safety belt and maybe go grab a snack. There have been LOTS of successes lately for me to tell you about. Yessssssssssssss.

First off, on Sunday morning I did my Saebo (terminator splint) hand exercises where I move foam balls around and it went AWESOME! The last month the tone has been really kicking up in my left hand making these therapy exercises nearly impossible. When the tone kicks up it makes my fingers clench so tight that I have to use my right hand to stretch them out. No matter how hard I try I am simply unable to straighten out my fingers or thumb without the use of my other hand. This has made hand therapy with balls really tough because I've been able to pick the balls up but can't release them. So anyways, Sunday morning I did my hand exercises for a full 30 minutes and I could undo my grasp on the balls the whole time. It was incredible! And it didn't even seem like it was super hard. My hand just worked! For the first time in weeks! Before too long every time I dropped a ball successfully I said, "thank you, Jesus". Over and over again.

In the afternoon I went to my mom's house to prep for my cognitive group tomorrow. Our homework was to make a 5 minute talk that we're going to present tomorrow. So I went to Mom's and was able to come up with 5 minutes worth of stuff to say about my job. I think it'll be interesting and the other people in my group will get to play with some lab stuff that people brought me to practice with when I was first hurt. I'll let you know how it goes.

Then Sunday night Josh and I got to go to a friend's house for dinner. It was wonderful! We had great dinner, dessert, and company. It was like a much needed date night for us. And the coolest part was that our friends are expecting in the next few months and we got to see some ultrasound video. It was really cool to get to watch the baby opening and closing his hands while in the womb. Neato!

And one more tad of goodness from Sunday - I had a really cool healing experience at church. They did an open mic to ask for prayer during communion and I wanted to go up so I turned to let Josh know and I just broke down. I was sobbing all of a sudden. And not just tears but heaving and full body shaking sobbing. The really hard kind. So I asked Josh to go with me to the front and tell the pastors what I wanted prayer for. As the awesome husband he is, he went. And when we got up there they stopped the band so Josh ended up telling the entire congregation what we wanted prayer for and the whole church prayed for us. The pastors who vocalized it prayed for healing for me specifically but also really prayed for Josh. That was unbelievably healing for me to have Josh prayed for. It felt really healing for my heart. So that too was grand.

And on Saturday morning I randomly tried and was able to get extra small latex gloves on both hands. For the first time. Up to that point I had tried probably 20-30 times and never was able to make it work. And what timing! I'm hoping to go back to work next week and this takes a huge burden off my plate! Again, thank you, Jesus!

And all afternoon I made jam with Sharon and Mom. Raspberry and strawberry. Excellent! So don't be shy. If you want some, just ask. It was fun. We got to be girly all day in aprons nonetheless. I did stirring, smashing fruit, putting jars out, and digging lids out of boiling water with tongs. Lots of work but it paid off. Lots of jam.

And then today was a huge success as a whole. I rode the bus and shuttle into work this morning on my own and met with my ATP (assistive technology professional) guy to help me figure out what kinds of things will help me when I go back to work. And I got to say hi to a bunch of people at Amgen so that was really nice too. Plus I met with the new occupational health nurse and got to know her a little bit too. All in all, it went very well. Please don't take offense to this anyone, but I think saying hi to Neil was probably the favorite moment of the day. He was just super glad to see me, very genuine, and really excited that I was visiting. So, thanks, Neil!

And I had a whole new experience this morning. I've slept like a rock my whole life but this morning I woke up at 4am and was kept up by my thoughts racing. I think I was just nervous about taking the bus solo, walking up to the bus stop and then around downtown, the Harbor Steps in general, and going to work by myself even if it was just for a visit. I've never been kept up by my thoughts before. So in my just lying in bed time I figured I could say my prayers. And I just kind of had some good hanging with Jesus time. I've never felt so not alone in my whole life even when no one was around. My heart just felt super secure and I just knew I was okay. Can't really explain it but I've never felt so safe and known I was okay like I did this morning. Pretty cool, I thought.

I think that's about all I've got. Thanks for keeping up.

And, Kathleen, I don't even know what to do with arugula. If you can tell me, of course I'll take some. I'm not much of one to turn down food. Ever.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-05-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

Hi.

How are ya? I'm doing really well. I've had really awesome but fleeting successes lately. Some of my pins and needles have been taking random hiatus' that have been wonderful but unfortunately temporary. Most of the goodness has been pretty centrally located to my left arm. And this afternoon it was grand. The whole top of my arm from wrist to elbow felt like the pins and needles weren't totally gone but greatly reduced. But now in the PM it is all back to "normal". The pins and needles are back just as they have been. But the spot on the back of my left hand has been holding strong sans pins and needles for days now. I don't know what is working on them but whatever it is I'll take it. I think the two primary culprits are probably either the HBOT or the Chinese herbs. Can you believe it? I am actually a believer in Chinese herbs. I would have totally brushed them off as voodoo before the accident, but now they are making huge differences for me. That's wholly what I attribute having my sense of smell back to. So they might still be voodoo but they're voodoo that works! Although I won't for a minute tell you the taste doesn't bother me. Like eating big spoonfuls of dirt mixed with something dead or dying twice a day. Heck, they must work for people to be willing to suffer the horrendous flavor.

Anyways, I also took another step on the back to work adventure this week. I met with my DVR (division of vocational rehab) lady at UW and we made a plan for how we are going to try achieve job retention for me. How she is going to be my resource if I run into any unexpected challenges, how we plan on tackling those kinds of issues, and how we plan on providing my boss with an okay and acceptable forum to tell on me if I'm sucking wind at work in a productive way. It was good to make the plan and sort of outline how all that is going to work when I get to go back. Unfortunately I'm no closer on the paperwork front. The forms are still in doctor purgatory right now. I'm trying to get a response from my doc about whether she's even working on them but I'm pretty sure she's buried in junk to do with too big a patient load. Hopefully I'll hear back from her soon.

Another fun thing is my homework for my cognitive group this week. We have to prepare a 5 minute talk and then give it next week. I think I'm going to talk about my work, what I do, why I love science, etc. and then tie it together with, of course, food. I'm going to focus on the nerdy science behind caramel corn and then share some corn with the group. Should be a good (and tasty) time. And I have a bunch of fun type contraptions from my work that I can bring in and do a little show and tell. And I'm pretty certain that nobody else will pick this topic. There's not many ultra-nerds out there. Especially after a brain injury.

That's what I got for now.

Bye.

Ang

2010-05-11T07:29:00.001-07:00

Hey there.

How's it going? Hopefully well.

Don't have much for today but here goes...It's kind of weird how life changes so much so quickly. Last week at this time I was totally wigging out about the seemingly looming go-back-to-work adventure. This week it seems off in the distant future again. Not stressed at all. I know, I know - it's exactly the same situation but it feels so different now. Feels like it's really far off again, like stressing about it would just be a waste. I think it shifted because the whole paperwork fiasco started over again. I have yet to get the form back from my doc and then I have to resubmit it so the disability company can tell me how it's all wrong again. Oh joy.

I went to the pool again yesterday. Wow! Talk about a butt kicking! It's pretty much a solid hour and a half workout. No wonder I'm so exhausted after it!

Josh and I got to have a date night last night. Yeah! We went out to dinner and then saw Ironman 2. It was pretty good. Not disappointed in the least. I just love Mickey Rourke. Well, not really love, maybe more like like. You know what I mean.

And had a fun adventure on Friday too. Mom and I took Genghis to the vet. For any of you who might not know, Genghis is one of my cats.

He's been crapping on the carpet so we took him in to see if he's sick. It was an eventful almost hour trying to get him in the cat carrier. But we did it! And that is no small success, trust me. Anyways, he's totally fine. His blood work even came back a-ok. The vet just said that it is most likely a behavioral issue. Isn't that just what you want to hear?!?! So he's just a butt-head. That's all. Maybe we corrected that "behavioral" issue by letting him know that if he keeps it up we'll take him to the vet. Pretty sure he didn't much like that outing.

I had one other wild adventure in the last few days - I got to talk to my half-sister. You didn't even know I have a half-sister, did you? I haven't seen her or talked to her in about 15 years. And out of the blue we hooked back up. She seems pretty cool. Don't know where it will go, but I'm open. She's graduating from high school this year, so that's exciting! I thought it was pretty cool. A little twilight zone, but pretty cool.

That's about all I've got. Talk at ya again soon.

Ang

2010-05-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hi there.

Back again with not too much to say. But I've got a bit, so here goes...

I've officially begun the sure-to-be nightmare of dealing with actually trying to get cleared to go back to work. So far the disability company has "not gotten my form" once and then they came back to me today after "finally" getting my form and asked for a new form to be filled out by my doctor. Apparently "May - late May 2010" is too general and they need a specific date for when I can go back to work. So I sent my doc a note asking her to pretty please fill out the form one more time with 5/24/10 in the when section. Who knew 5/24 isn't late May??? Kinda or actually ridiculously silly if you ask me. So the games begin. We have officially started this ballroom dance with a rabid rhinoceros. What fun I think it will be. It was pretty cute that my mom made the joke that near the end they'll probably come back and tell me it's in the wrong color ink. They need black not blue or vice versa.

I also have a new success to report. Not only is the sense of smell back and just getting better, but now there is a big spot on the back of my left hand that doesn't have pins and needles. Awesome!!! It's probably a little bigger than a golf ball and goes all the way down to my wrist. I don't know what specifically I can attribute it to but I'll take it! And the sense of smell is getting pretty good now. I even smelled it when Josh was toasting an English muffin in the kitchen while I was all the way in the shower. And if you know my house you know how far that is. The kitchen and the bathroom aren't even next to each other. So, yesssssss.

And OT has been really good lately too. I got assessed by a new therapist on Tuesday and now my same-as-before therapist has made a new plan of attack. We did lots of scapula work Tuesday and today and stretching.

I had a new realization this morning. I realized that I am looking forward to going back to work because that'll be only going one place those days. I am SICK of driving to heck and back from appointment to appointment. Leaving the house at 8:30am and not getting back until 6:30pm is officially old. And I'm sick of it!

And my groups at the UW are still great. Had psychotherapy group today and it's been really good the last 2 weeks! I'm glad I signed up for them.

That's it. That's all I've got for now.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-05-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Not a lot for today, but I've got some. Always.

The rest of the TBI conference was good. Lots learned and I think one of my best compliments ever. As for what was learned - lots about TBI from other survivors, I am definitely not alone in any of this. I'm not alone in any part of my struggles or any of my successes. Pretty cool to know that this is all just part of the fun of TBI recovery. All the feelings of scariness, hurt, anger, exasperation, etc. is all normal. I'm not the only one who's ever been where I'm at nor will I be the last. Certainly a club I'd rather not be a part of but a club nonetheless. As for the compliment - a lady that works at UW with TBI survivors was surprised to hear that my accident was only 8 months ago. She said I look like a 10-year survivor. Cool! So I may be a spring chicken but I don't look like one. And the other big thing that I learned was, well I didn't really learn it, it was just reinforced - anywho what was strongly reinforced was that I am REALLY blessed to be where I'm at. A lot of TBI survivors are a lot worse off than me. I think my TBI was pretty bad but I'm really doing pretty well considering.

If you want to check out the website for the folks that put on the conference it's www.tbiwashington.org. They said they'd be posting minutes to it in the near future.

What else, well I made more progress on the go-back-to-work stuff. I got a loaner laptop from UW with the Dragon voice recognition program on it. I practiced by dictating part of an industry paper to it and it went well. When the guru came to help me out and I showed him how far I'd gotten he pretty much said I was good to go and had a good enough grip of things. So that's good news.

And Sunday was an awesome day! Got to sleep in with Josh, went to church, and then went to lunch with some friends we hadn't seen in a while after church. Then went home, got stuff done for a few hours, went out to dinner, and went to the movies. We went and saw The Bounty Hunter which was pretty cute. All in all it was just awesome to get to have a whole date-day with my husband! Barring the rockstar parking and super slow walking to and from the car it was almost like before the accident. Pretty nice!

We got to go see Baby Doodle today too! It was pretty cool to get to hold a baby that was less than 24 hours old! And he was cute!!! I didn't realize how much of a vortex newborns are. Holding him was like time had stopped. Josh said it was time for us to go and I felt like I had just gotten him. Little did I know that it had really been about 20 minutes with him in my arms. Wow! What a trip! He was certainly mesmerizing to say the least. What a doll!

Just one other thing - I got to go to the pool again on Monday. And whew, was it tiring! I fell asleep on the couch Monday night and still just passed out when I went to bed. Then this morning I had to peel myself out of bed at 8 and get going. I haven't slept that late for weeks! And I could've just kept sleeping. What a trip! I knew it was a good workout but my God! Sharon, I'm going to start calling you the butt kicker extraordinaire if this keeps up. Holy you know what!

Ok, that's all I've got. Hope y'all are doing well.

Bye,

Ang

2010-04-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Back again, and with lots to say. Thanks for all the questions. I'll get to those first.

Q: What kind of work do you do at the lab?
A: Technically, bioreactor process development with mammalian cell culture. In plain English, I play with cells all day to try to make them as happy as possible so they poop out as much drug candidate as possible in the shortest amount of time possible.

Q: When do you think you will return to work? Part or full time?
A: That was one of the big things I just did - got my return to work paperwork sent in. Now I just have to wait for the disability insurance and Amgen to duke it out. Could be really soon. Could be a while. No idea how long that will take. And when I come back It'll be for 2 half days per week at first.

Q: How does your memory feel these days?
A: Pretty much the same. There's seemingly random holes in my long term memory and my short term, working, and prospective (lingo from psychotherapy group) seem right on point. I still have about 2 months that are just unaccounted for in my memory from a few days before the accident to about 8 weeks after.

Q: How's cooking going?
A: Pretty good. Still way cut back on things like daily dinners but I'm slowly getting back to fun treats for people. I made flourless chocolate cake for my gluten-free chiropractor, caramel corn for my PT student, and turkey taco pie for my OT assignment for all the rehab folks at Harborview. And, Holly, if you're still reading, none of it was "scrumptious".

Q: Do I want people to hang with during the day?
A: Heck yeah. Always up for some fun. I've been pretty crazy packed with therapy and other appointments lately but that should settle down after next week. And Mom is usually pretty up to babysit kiddos so if you want a little adult time just shoot me an email on the city or something. Could be nice for both of us. Hopefully I'll be back to work soon so I won't have as much free time.

Q: Will Josh and I take any trips this summer?
A: Hope so. The Oregon coast has been calling to us. And we want to take up some family on the offer to go to the Pend Oreille River (sounds like Ponderay River) and veg. Plus we have some friends we'd really like to visit in Spo-Compton (Spokane).

Q: Does my left arm feel better in the pool?
A: Not really but it seems to get a lot more movement in the pool. My range of motion just seems to be getting bigger and bigger. And usually I'm really proud and feeling really good when I can make my left arm cooperate in the pool and help me tread water, etc.

Now for what's up...I'm moving along on the HBOT. Got 4 treatments down and not noticing anything huge yet. But my left hand doesn't seem to clench much anymore while I sleep and there's a spot on the back of my left hand where I don't feel the pins and needles anymore. Don't know if this from the HBOT but I'll take it!

And I got my back to work paperwork submitted so I'm moving on that front.

My sense of smell is still back. The only bummer about it is that I no longer have one of my favorite TBI jokes - best part of TBI is that my $#!} doesn't stink any more. :)

Did something really cool at the chiropractor last week...muscle testing. It's where you pretty much just hold the bottle of things and your body tells you whether or not it likes them. Sounds kind of hokey, I know. But try it. Just put one arm out straight at shoulder height and have someone try to push it down after you say "I am a man" and "I am a woman". Goes down pretty easy on the lie and stays up pretty strong on the truth, huh?!?! Cool! If you're holding something your body likes it will stay strong and if you're holding something your body doesn't like it'll go down pretty easy. Found out what my body says it wants for some vitamins and my arm went down pretty easy holding both medicines I'm currently prescribed. Interesting.

And this weekend is being spent at the TBI conference for WA state for 2010. It's pretty cool. Today I heard a great talk about interdependence and about dealing with grief! And a hilarious talk about the importance of humor. Which I totally agree with. Don't think I could have made it this far without some good laughs. The grief talk was fabulous too! Most poignant part for me was when the speaker was talking about guilt. She said to try to listen to what your guilt is telling you rather than try to avoid it. Hmmm, took all of about 15 seconds for me to realize my guilt is trying to tell me to have empathy for Josh. He's been through a pretty darn severe trauma too. And for me to expect him not to have to process however he can is ridiculous. So instead of feeling guilty and like a bad wife I could be just trying to love on him and help him through whatever he's struggling with at the present moment. Might even be good for him and could even strengthen our marriage. No bad there - just good.

Alright-y. That's all from me for now. Feel free to post questions anytime you have them. Kinda gets the juices flowing for me. So if you want to hear more, ask away.

Hopefully I'll have some good news for yall soon.

Stay tuned.

Ang

2010-04-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Back again. With not much to say.

Got to go to the pool again. And it was awesome - again. And had a new first this time too. This was the first time I've lost track of time since the accident. I just wasn't paying attention to the clock at all and was actually surprised when they kicked us out at 1:30. Kinda cool, I guess. That was the first thing I actually got lost in. What does that say about you, Sharron?!?! Guess you're just mesmerizing. :)

What else? Let's see - both groups are great at UW. I really like both of them. Even if I am the only one that cries at the psychotherapy group. I was just commenting to my speech therapist today how good I think they are. In general and for me in particular. I was also commenting on how it's kinda nice to go somewhere where everyone's brain injured. Kind of like being part of a little club where you'll be accepted no matter what you do or fail to do. Sort of nice in that respect alone.

Anything else? Not really except that I feel like I'm getting better even right this second. I've been doing acupuncture all along but I recently started taking these Chinese herbs. These particular herbs are supposed to help my sense of smell and possibly my hunger (or lack thereof). And for the first time in months I am smelling a familiar smell right now. Cat poop. Can't say I've really missed whiffing this one but hey, at least I can smell it. I think of my gatos just dropped a bomb in the cat box upstairs and it was special. Extra stinky. And not only can I smell it now but I've been able to smell it for the greater than the last five minutes. Whew!

I think that's really all I've got. A definitive lack of questions since the last post. Is anybody even still reading this blog??? If you are I'm sure you have at least one question. Ask away.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-04-25T15:20:00.001-07:00

Hello.

I'm still around. Just been busy. But along with that goes lots to talk about on the blog. So here goes:

So much to discuss - where to start? Might as well start with HBOT. I've started. Done 2 treatments already. Got 38 more to go. It's going okay. No big difference noticed yet. But the treatments are good. I just lay in the chamber with an oxygen mask on for about an hour and watch a movie. First time in I fell asleep so that's always an option too. But I have no problems with it. Haven't had my ears pop or anything yet. Haven't felt pressure in my sinus' or my ears so that's good. It's easy from my end so I don't mind it at all.

I got to go back to the pool too. Not quite as easy as HBOT. It kicked my butt actually! But it was good too. And I did a few laps in the pool and was able to do one where I backstroked and then took breaks to tread water in the middle of it all. Neato! And I was able to get a lot more help from my left arm to tread water too! Awesome! For the first time I think I actually physically wore myself out during my pool time. If my body could talk it would have said, "just sit down, please". It reminded me of how I used to feel doing super hard workouts or just pushing my body to its breaking point. Kind of neat to feel that way again. I was pretty much done without any physical pain. Kind of nice to get there sans pain. Haven't done that for a while.

And had both my TBI groups again. This time with more people in both of them. Still like them both. And again I cried in the psychotherapy group - twice even. And again no one else did. I think I'll feel better when someone else cries, at least a little. Right now I'm the lone tear haver. We'll see how much longer that lasts. Mom says it's just because I feel like I have something to cry about. I guess that's true. Maybe it's a spring chicken problem. If everybody else (almost) has had their brain injury way longer than me maybe they just don't have anything to cry about any more. Sure hope I won't always feel like I have something to cry about.

What else? Got to go to a friend's house for a really fun dinner. And got to meet their chiwiener. It's a chihuahua / wiener dog mix. Super cute! We had nice dinner and great conversation. They were super comfortable so I had a really nice time. And it was sort of enlightening hearing them confirm that when I feel like I'm a burden on Josh I should reach behind me, grab my hair, and pull it nice and hard to dislodge my head from my ass. Josh has been telling me that feeling is BS from the start but it was nice to hear that other people think it's idiotic too.

And had a big breakthrough personal-wise too. Last Tuesday at community group I identified that I'm pretty much just sitting in the sin of refusing to forgive the person who did this to me and a few other choice people who shall remain unnamed. I totally acknowledged that I knew I was supposed to forgive them, but I didn't even want to. I felt like it was just for me to not forgive them because the stuff they did was so wrong. And I was just sitting in it sort of pleased at knowing that if they didn't repent they'd go to hell for it. Not good on my part. So I quasi took some action and prayed for Christ to change my heart on the matter. So all week God's just been putting on my heart that I don't even know what happened. Maybe no one even did hit me. So holding on to hating that person who may not even exist is doing me no good. Then this morning at church the sermon really broke it down for me as a lack of obedience on my part. I know I'm supposed to forgive I just don't want to. And it really pointed out that praying for heart change on this matter may not be enough. What I want is for God to remove my sin nature and selfishness that's concerned about my comfort. Not going to happen. But what He can and will do is make me see that I want to love and honor Him more than myself. So I forgave the person (if he or she does exist) that caused the accident as well as the other unnamed people this morning not because of my changed sinless heart but as an act of obedience to my good and gracious God who has forgiven me of so much already. Even stuff I did that was bad and wrong and could have huge effects on others before I became a Christian. That's huge!!! God showed me that I could have ruined people's lives or hurt their kids when I was a drug dealer and He's forgiven me for that. Fully. So I shouldn't even want to hold onto this as something REALLY bad that someone did that ruined my life that I don't want them to be forgiven for. I've already enjoyed forgiveness for so much that I should be the first to want others to experience it since I know how awesome it is. Pretty freeing to know I'm not holding onto all that even in my subconscious anymore. Feels good. And feels like a big step in the right direction! If I can do something like this to praise God and bring Him glory then sign me up!

I think that's about all I've got for now. Oh yeah, and Mom and Josh, I've just started chapter five so get off my butt about it.

Maybe it'd be fun to do another question and answer post. So post any questions you might have and I'll do what I can to answer them. Looking forward to them.

And I promise not to wait so darn long before I post again. Sorry about that.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-04-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Despite the fact that my life is sort of boring I feel like I should still be updating the blog. Just might not be as interesting as it could be.

So, what's new? I finally finished my big project for speech therapy. Got my paper written on comparing stirred-tank and culture-bag bioreactors. Then got my power point finished after a few revisions. And finally gave the talk yesterday. Went pretty well. Nobody fell asleep so it mustn't have been too boring. And I reviewed it with my speech therapist today and we had a good discussion about it. Inclusive of making a plan for when I present at work in the future. Have to be sure to have a bottle of water for presentations and remember to drink from it. And even more I have to remember to not only take a quick sip but a deep breath too so I remember to breathe. Was a little weird noticing that the only time I felt like I didn't look different than before the accident was when I smiled. At least that's sometimes. So that's good.

What else? Had a psychologist appointment today and officially did not get diagnosed with PTSD. Good news. To say the least. And he said that my mood changes are pretty normal after a huge life change. So that's hopeful too. And, yes, in case you were wondering, I did tell him that I'm psycho anal. Full disclosure here.

Don't really think there is much else. I heard that the fund did send payment to the HBOT guy so I should be starting that up soon. Yesssssssss. Can't wait to report back on how that is.

Oh yeah, one other little thing - I think that finally the pins and needles aren't the most irritating thing anymore. It's not any better but the tone in my left hand has triumphed as my new least favorite part of all of this. I really hope the HBOT helps with my hand. Or I might chop it off. Not really but you know what I mean. Gets the point across well how irritating it is.

That's it. Talk at ya soon.

Ang

2010-04-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

Yo.

All good over here. Had a good psychotherapy group yesterday and a good morning today. No complaints here. Well, at least no new complaints. Still plagued by the same old same old - pins and needles, increasing tone in my hand, and general stiffness. But besides that I'm doing pretty well.

Like I said, psychotherapy group wasn't half bad. And I only choked up once. I was the only one who choked up, but no actual tears, just choking up. And it wasn't all that surprising because it was when I was sharing that I had a really hard time when Josh went back to work. I just said that I used to lay in bed and cry every morning after he left or when I woke up alone and that choked me up a little. Not too bad. We went over the different kinds of changes in personality that come from a brain injury and the changes in emotions that come with a brain injury. Was nice to hear that some of the stuff I've been struggling with is "normal" and nice to hear that I'm not the only one. And it was good for me to hear about "normal" things other people with TBI are struggling with that I'm not having a tough time with. Helps remind me what specifically to thank God for. And I'm not the only spring chicken in this group. There is an older gentleman that had a brain bleed pretty much when I got in my accident. So spring chickens unite - I am alone no more!

And this morning was great. I woke up early-ish and instead of laying in bed I decided to go to the gym. I got up, got dressed, even managed to tie my own shoes and walked over to the gym solo. I walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes. And for the first time I could actually feel my left hip jacking up and trying to help out. So I practiced walking without hiking my hip up, just moving my leg instead. And I could also feel, also for the first time, rolling to the ball of my foot. So I practiced that too. Big successes!!! Can't wait to tell my PT next week! When I was done with my 15 minutes on the treadmill I did 15 minutes on the stationary bike. I tried the regular kind today for the first time. The kind where you're sitting up just like on a normal bike. I noticed a lot of foot drop on my left side. I couldn't really keep my foot flat for more than three go-arounds with the pedals. And it really started to hurt my ankle. So I switched to the recumbent bike after 5 minutes and did my other 10 there. After my 15 minutes on the bike I did 15 minutes on the elliptical. My left arm was too tight to hold onto the arm part that moves so I just held on to the right side that moves. During this my hair fell in my face so I had to stop, balance, and move my hair behind my ear with my right hand. Then I started up again and my face was itchy on my forehead. So I gave it a shot and was able to reach and scratch my face with my left hand! And then again on my hairline next to my left eye! Awesome! And I was able to reach that far with active movement! Progress!

So to celebrate my big successes I got a tasty jamba juice and continued with my day. Other big thing to report is I am going to start HBOT therapy soon. HBOT is hyper baric oxygen treatment. You lay in a hyper baric chamber with 100% oxygen and it's pressurized. Sound weird and hokey? I know. But check it out on the net. Lots of TBI people reported huge helps cognitively, with memory, even with spasticity. So I'm going to give it a shot. And we were lucky enough to find a clinic that offers HBOT for TBI sufferers right here in Seattle. I think the next closest one is in Vancouver, BC. I'm hoping to start this in the next few weeks and can't wait to see if it's able to help me. If it is, I'll take it - and if it's not, no harm, no foul. Worth a shot, that's for sure.

That's pretty much what I've got for now. Celebrating the small successes and chewing my fur about what HBOT is going to be able to do for me. Send up a little prayer that it's a huge success for me too if you have a minute.

Thanks.

Ang

2010-04-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

Not too much news here but I'll try to conjure something worth writing about out of my awesome-ly uneventful life. I guess it might be interesting to talk about how I started my cognitive group yesterday at UW. It's all brain injured people meeting to learn about what challenges us cognitively and how to overcome it. I think it'll be pretty good. It was kind of weird though because there were only 3 of us in the class yesterday and both of the other people are old-time brain injured people. Not to say they're old but they've been brain injured a heck of a lot longer than me. One lady's been brain injured for 40 years! That wasn't a typo. 40 years! And the other guy's been brain injured for 10 years. And he's younger than me! Kinda makes me feel like a spring chicken.

Yesterday we talked about attention and distractions and how brain injury sort of turns off the filter in your brain that just tunes things out automatically. Pretty interesting. And illustrated perfectly when the fan came on in the room of speech therapy and it distracted me, I had to stop and acknowledge it, and then I had to make the conscious decision to ignore it. Stuff like that.

So I'm supposed to start a support group type class tomorrow that is for more brain injured people. It's a psychological, feeling type class where we talk about what's different now that we're brain injured, how that feels, and what to do with it now. I'm a little nervous about this one because what if I cry through the whole thing? I'm not much of a mushy, feeling person. I at least like to believe that I'm sort of tough and hardened. In reality, though, I'm like a big egg. I may be tough on the outside but that is a fragile exterior and I am pure mush on the inside. I just don't know if I want to show that to a bunch of people. People I do know I keep it from let alone people I don't know. The reassuring thing is that I at least got an outline of what we'll be discussing while in the cognitive class yesterday.

And I oh-so-gladly got my torture device re-fitted yesterday. That was irony in case you couldn't tell. I had a wonderful break from it post-surgery because it would have been over the stitches. I wore it last night and it killed. My elbow was crazy painful. At least it was a whole new kind of pain. Wasn't a metal-on-metal kind of pain anymore but actually a joint pain. Good but still not enjoyable. So I turned the tension down a little bit and I'll try it again tonight. I think if I ever find out if there was someone who did this to me I should make them wear one all the time and turn it up way too high. He he he - the evil peeks out.

Well, I think that's all I've got. Hope it wasn't too boring. If it was, too bad.

Bye.

Ang

2010-04-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Had a good and rough morning all wrapped up into one. And got a check on my perspective. Went to church this morning and listened to a great sermon. The preaching pastor gave 11 tips on how to be a good and gospel centered leader. The one that hit home most for me was the one that hurt comes before fruit. Pretty much that God is good enough and big enough that He takes even that which was meant for evil and uses it for good. After all He took Jesus being betrayed by Judas Iscariot and used it for the ultimate conquer of Satan, sin, and death.

And He slow pitched this to me in my particular current situation this morning. He had this young guy at church come up and talk to me and Josh. I've noticed this guy the past few weeks; he looked new. But I've never talked to him or him to me. Then this morning he walked up to Josh and handed him a note. The note was a little thank you to both of us for sharing our story. He said our story really helped him meet and give his life to Jesus. WOW!!! And he said he just got baptized and now he's plugging along. Holy cow!!! Then he came up and shook my hand and told me that he was at my concert. He said that when I said at the concert if even just one person came to know Christ this whole thing was worth it, that person was him! A little while ago I also got feedback from another friend that her dad started coming to church after hearing about my accident and even started taking communion. Awesome! Now that is fruit! What good news!

And I was standing at home this morning in front of the mirror having a little pity party for myself because the left side of my face doesn't move as much as the right when I talk. I felt like I looked like a stroke victim. And then this amazing news at church. And I was snapped back into reality where I realized even if my face is never the same again that is only a small price to pay for the goodness that Jesus is working out of this whole accident situation. I know I'll be back to 100% once I get my heavenly body and now these people have a heavenly body waiting for them too! That is awesome! People are coming to know God through my situation! Praise Jesus! Isn't that amazing?!?! What a good and gracious God we have!

And through it all He has never just left me to figure it out. He has been by my side through this whole thing. And He's been loving and caring for me the whole time. And Josh too! He's been so good to us we can't even express it. And he's been using some of you as his tools to bless us since the day I got hurt. Wow! Thanks for being there! What y'all have been doing for us is no small thing. You've been instruments of God's grace. Even if you haven't known it.

Thanks for hanging in there. And God bless.

Ang

2010-04-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

Well, the funk has passed. For now at least. I'll take it. Thanks for hanging in there with me through it. And thanks for all your encouraging words too. Really means a lot. And it's helpful to be reminded that I'm not alone in all of this. Other people feel similarly and make it okay. So there's hope.

Good news for today is I got my stitches out yesterday. Awesome! Kinda sore but the nurse only had to give a good tug to 4 or so to get them out. Not bad when you think that there were 19 all together. Other cool thing - I got to bring one home to Josh. Kinda gross but cool nonetheless. And it turns out they were sort of made of fishing line. 100% nylon is what the doc said. Weird. Who knew. That does explain why they kept poking through my shirt and stabbing me in the leg through my jeans when I put my arm down in my lap. He he he. It was pretty funny the day I couldn't figure out the stabbing pain in my leg and then finally realized it was my stitches. But no more. They are gone now. And the incision looks really good. It isn't even all red and puffy. Woo hoo! And they were able to cut right over the old scar when they did the surgery so I'll have no more wounds than before. It is kinda funny though, I feel kinda like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas.

This whole arm surgery / scar adventure has really hit home how thankful I am for the facial surgeon who worked on me. Man, God sure was looking out for me. To say the least. I can't believe I don't have any scars from that lady putting 2 plates in my face! She was able to go through and do all her work through my gums. What a trip! And a blessing! And she was only a resident I found out when I asked for her information to write her a thank you note. She'll be an awesome surgeon, that's for sure!

Let's see - what else...going back to work is coming up. All my therapists and my vocational counselor agreed that we're aiming for sometime in May. That's next month! That'll be right around the corner. And I talked to my TBI doc yesterday and she is on board too. She just has to fill out and send in the paperwork. Then it's up to Amgen if they want me back. Then I think I'll be the only brain injured scientist at the Helix. But then again, maybe not. Brain injury is definitely not something that leaves lasting marks. Isn't that weird? Who knew there was a way that someone could get hurt so bad and disabled forever with no way to tell by looking at them?!?! I never knew before but I found out that one of our friends got a brain injury when he was little and that my aunt had a brain injury when she was in her teens. And you'd never guess it with either of them. Maybe in a few years I'll be there too. That'll be a trip. I can only imagine telling someone about my accident and having it be a shock to them.

That's about all I've got for now. Have a good one. And if you think of it, throw up a little (or big) prayer for our friends Tom and Lucy. Their first baby is coming any day now. Oh baby Vo-Doodle, we can't wait to meet you.

Talk at ya soon,

Ang

2010-04-06T17:16:00.000-07:00

Warning: this post contains adult language and references. Don't read any further if you're underage, please.

Well, it's sort of a bummer over here. Depression is back. And in full force.

Had a really hard time last night. Spent far too long crying in bed over all sorts of stuff. There were a few main points - first, I feel guilty again about being a big let down for Josh. Just really feel like I'm bringing him down and it breaks my heart. The last thing he needs is a big walking, talking reminder that his life sucks right now. Especially one that is always asking for help with this or that. Or that needs taking care of all the time. You think your patience is worn thin, just imagine being him for half a second. Second, I really feel ugly again. The pins and needles in my face has long worn out its welcome. I know it's not as bad as it feels like, but I also know that it is noticeable that the left side of my face doesn't move like its supposed to. I look a little stroke victim-esque. And again that mostly just makes me feel bad for Josh. The prettiness of his f-ing wife was taken away in the accident. WTF?!?!

Why does everything have to suck so bad? Why can't it just be a little bit easy for a minute? This is super lame.

I know, I'm totally waa-waa-ing. But that's about all I've got inside right now. I am just one big ball of wretch. And yeah, it sucks to be me right now. Bad.

As for the back-to-work question from the last post - I'm not back yet but I hope to be sometime next month. I'll probably try to start with two half-days per week and then go from there. We'll see how it all works out. As you can imagine, I'm sort of negative about it right this minute but we'll see. I'm sure it'll feel good to be back to something quasi-normal. Even if it's in a not-quite-so-normal way. Gotta take what I can get.

Enough of my little pity-party. Talk to y'all later. Hopefully I'll be out of my funk by then. Sorry about the big let-down post. Hope you're doing better than me.

Ang

2010-04-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

Hey.

Sunshine and roses can't last forever, unfortunately. Been sort of struggling a bit yesterday and today. It's the age-old culprit who is so known and yet so effective - impatience. Argh! Just been sort of bummed lately with how big the difference is between my "old" life and what I've got now. Been especially frustrated with the little things. Like the tone in my left hand. What a pain in the arse it is to want to do something so bad but just not be able to make your fingers do what you need them to do. It is totally surreal to not be able to move your digits. It doesn't seem to matter how bad I want it to move or how hard I'm trying - no luck. Just can't seem to make it happen. And then a minute later it'll move no problem. Cue the frustration.

I've also been having a hard time with how hurt I still am. The operative word there is STILL. Seems like it's been forever and I'm still not better. That car must've really kicked my butt. Wow! I know I've come a long ways but this is sort of ridiculous. Who knew you could get this hurt in a mere second. No warning either. Just wham and you're down for the count. For the rest of your life.

However, it has not been all tough lately. Got a pretty good reminder of perspective on Easter Sunday. The priest at Gramma and Grampa's church said something pretty profound in his homily. He was talking about this lady who had been attacked and was impregnated in the 50's. She wasn't even allowed to be in her church choir because people wouldn't believe she had been attacked but rather would think she was promiscuous. She got pretty mad at God and kept asking why this happened and was pretty put off by God not taking care of her. Her priest at the time told her that she was suffering the consequences of one man's sin at one moment in time but to think of Jesus who suffered the consequence of everyone's sin at all times while he was on the cross. I thought that was pretty cool. Sort of sums things up. Sure, I'm suffering from one person's sin at one point in time and it sucks. But Jesus suffered for all of our sin for all time on the cross. WOW! What a God! Thank you, Jesus! And somehow he even found joy on the cross! That is pretty awesome! I have found very little joy in my suffering. Although there have been moments when I've heard of good things coming from all of this where I've had little trickles of joy. But man, oh man - I can't even imagine being willing to do this and being able to stop it and not doing so for the sake of someone else. Jesus must REALLY love us!

So that's at least a little good perspective. Sometimes good things can even come out of this poo pile I'm currently living in. Like me being able to deepen my understanding and my faith through this trial. At least it's not all a waste.

So that's pretty much what I've got. Hopefully I'll be all happy for the next post and y'all won't have to suffer through my "woe is me" for too long. Hope it wasn't too bad. Thanks for hanging in there.

Ang

2010-04-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Well, still feeling really good about being me. So that's good. And officially on an adventure. Mom, Kathy, Tori, Gabrielle, and Kathryn and I went to Crack-I-Ma (Yakima) to spend Easter with Pops and Gram. Drive over was good last night. Pass was closed so it took a while but overall it went really well. Just slushy roads but no ice.

And Mom told me to think about something fun to do today and I came up with a master plan that we actually just got done carrying out. We did an official taste test to determine an answer to the age-old question: "What is the best hamburger in Yakima? Is it the Miner burger or the Lariat burger?" Up to this point I'd only tried the Lariat burger and LOVED it. So we went officially taste testing. We went to both burger joints and each got 1/2 a burger, fries, soda, and sauce for dipping the fries in. Mine were even cheeseburgers.

Well, hands down, the Miner burger is WAY better than the Lariat burger! It is a lot more substantial. The patty is bigger, the cheese is thicker sliced, there are actually good size, fresh tomatoes on it, and the onion is not just a ring or two, it's a whole slice. Plus it was served warmer. Both burgers had good sauce. The Miner burger was messier to eat but it tasted a lot better. And Miner fries were better too. They were crispier and had better flavor. Plus they had the option for curly fries. But it wasn't a total loss for Lariat - their fry sauce and ranch were a ton better. Their ranch seemed to be homemade and their fry sauce was tangy and delicious. Yum! Miner had weak Hidden Valley-style ranch and lame-o fry sauce.

With that huge question finally answered we are just hanging out now. We've got dinner with Pops and Gram and then church and lunch tomorrow with even more family. Should be fun. Certainly passes the time that the hotel Pops and Gram put us up in, thanks again, has a pool. My plan is to go check out the exercise room soon and walk on the treadmill a bit. Oh joy, exercise.

I'm glad to be here but I'll be super excited to get home to my husband and kitties. This was the first morning in quite some time that I didn't snuggle with Genghis. For those of you who might not know, that's my boy Siamese kitty who loves pets.

I think it might be a norm now not to post about how hard my life is and how everything sucks. Definitely more cheerful to read but possibly not as interesting. It is nice for me, though. Don't know if it makes sense to anyone else but I really, truly do feel a ton more like me again just hurt right now. I don't feel like a handicapped poon suck any more. I might be just as much of a poon suck as ever but at least I don't feel guilty about it any more. I just feel like I'm hurt and need a little extra help with some stuff for a while.

Ok. That's all I've got. Talk to you soon.

Ang

2010-03-31T15:47:00.000-07:00

My God, I still feel good. Maybe this shift is here to stay!?!?

In fact, I think it just might be because I got bummed out yesterday, processed it, worked through it, and ended up in the same great place I started. Hallelujah! I don't know what brought this on but whatever it is I'll take it! I'm still feeling really good. I don't feel trapped in my injury anymore. It is so freeing and liberating to actually feel like myself before the accident just hurt. And not hurt forever, just for a little while.

I did have a pretty hard time yesterday. While in my PT appointment I got pretty bummed out. My PT has a student right now and she is learning lots and pretty much driving the PT for now. She noticed that I have trouble with planar inversion and rotation out while standing. I can do it while sitting but not standing. When I'm standing I rotate from the hip with my whole leg rather than just at the ankle. She was asking my PT what he thought I should do about it, they were talking PT talk back and forth, then my PT said that no matter what I just probably won't get that movement back. It was just surprising for me to hear him say that my gait would just forever be lacking this; that I'll never have it back. I've never heard a therapist say that before. They've always been kind of like cheerleaders always talking about what I will get back not what I won't. So needless to say there were a few tears when I got home. It's not even that this rotation is super important. I may never have had it. But it was just hard to hear about something that I couldn't get back. So I cried for a while and felt pretty crappy for a while and then got over it.

So here I am now able to look back on it objectively. I can see why I got upset, be okay with that I was upset, and not be upset now. This is all new. It's the first time I don't feel like I'm drowning in emotion. I actually feel okay with that I was upset and okay with that I'm not upset now. Ahhhh, progress!

Besides that I just started going back to the chiropractor. I'm glad to be back. But it is just another thing I'm doing that might really be helping me but I won't be able to attribute anything to it specifically because I have a whole handful of new things right now.

Oh, and one other thing. I have some really cool before and after x-rays to show all of you of my arm. Here's the before:

And here's the after:

Pretty cool, huh?!?!

That's about all I've got right now. Talk to you soon.

Ang

2010-03-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

Hola.

I don't know if anything on the outside is different or better but the inside is much improved. I feel a ton better! I think my arm is making little progress but it still has reduced mobility and stitches in it. And the pins and needles are still around and just as frustrating as they ever were. But my outlook is so much better.

I actually feel like I'm getting better headed back to my old self. This is all new because up to this point I felt like I was getting better headed to my new handicapped self. Finally I don't feel that way any more. I actually feel like me for the first time, just hurt. Pretty amazing! It doesn't seem like being back to 100% is never going to happen anymore, it just seems like a little ways off while I heal. It seems like it's coming up not far off in the distant future anymore. Yesterday I was even imaging when me and Josh have kids. And it really didn't seem all that future-ish.

I don't know what spawned this change but I'll take it. Feels a lot better to be me right now. Now I know that technically this is supposed to be a really hard time with lots of work but it really doesn't seem like an insurmountable task right this minute. It doesn't even really seem like I'm all that tough or tenacious. Just doing what needs to be done, that's all.

I had another amazing shift of context over this weekend too. I have always HATED my shower chair. It has always made me feel handicapped and different than I used to be. But this weekend my frame of mind shifted and now I just see it as a tool. It is just my helper in the shower. It no longer has any worth associated it. It just is. Pretty cool, huh?!?

I think maybe this is just a big fat answer to prayer. Or maybe it's a side effect of the cranial Chinese medicine work I had done last week. Whatever it is I like it! I think it's most likely a Holy Spirit stepping in and enveloping me and protecting me from myself and the enemy. Thank you, Jesus! Way to step in and shut up all my negative self-talk!

I'm sure this was a refreshing post to read. Finally she's not bitching about how everything hurts and how bad her life sucks. Hope you enjoyed it. And throw up a little prayer of thanksgiving if you get a minute. God is hard at work here!

Thanks,

Ang

2010-03-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Well, that surgery definitely slowed me down but I'm still kicking. I feel like I'm trapped in a perpetual Thorzine shuffle. Oh yeah. But I'm doing better. Yesterday I only took Advil twice and it's already 11 and I haven't taken any today! Not to say I don't hurt. My arm is crazy painful at times but it mostly just comes in these little spurts of stabbing pain. No warning and before I know it I'm crying like a little girl. Guess that's not so bad considering I'm just a big girl but you know what I mean. Usually somewhere where I'd rather not be crying to boot. Like the grocery store or Target. Makes me wonder, do any of you have surgery experience? Does anybody know how long I should expect this to last? Every time it happens it just makes me more thankful that I don't remember any of the other surgeries I had. Wowza! That must've been tough. Don't think for a minute that I'm so hard core or anything like that. I was just lucky enough to be in coma otherwise you'd have heard lots of whining and mewing. Wow, can't believe I just said that - lucky enough to be in coma. Who'd have thought that would ever come?!?! I'll take it. Besides the pain the whole arm is just pretty swollen but is healing up. The last 2 times we took the dressing off there was no blood or leakage or discharge. I know, nasty words, but I have faith that you all can handle it. I've even been hanging out for the last 2 and a half hours without the ace bandages on. Just airing out the incision a little bit.

And I'm able to shower just fine. I need help but not that much. It is a little embarrassing when you have to yell for your Mom to come wash your back and your right arm for you. At least she's used to seeing me in the buff. I was just littler then. She was joking with me and saying that it reminded her of just a few months ago. I did have a little fit of exposing myself when I was coming out of the coma. Thank you stage IV. I'm sorry to any of you who saw more than you bargained for during that time. Especially you, Ron. Sorry. Guess we're just on a whole new level now.

I had a pretty wild experience yesterday too. I went to a new acupuncturist and he said that he could feel that I needed work done on the right side of my brain. Crazy. Since nobody else has said that. And considering my whole left side still has pins and needles I think the right side of my brain does need some work. It was pretty cool when he told me there is this whole host of issues that Chinese medicine people usually pick up on when someone has had a bad trauma and he said I'm not showing any signs of them. So that's good. I attribute that to you, Abby.

Let's see, the rest of today will just be therapy galore. I have PT, OT, and speech this afternoon. Good times. Long day at Harborview ahead. Hopefully I'll have enough energy to make it through all of them. I think I will. But I'll be a big blob of mush when it's all over. Lots of paying attention is tough for me right now. Makes me pretty tired. Usually if I can anchor my head I do a little better. Pretty obvious why I'm not back to work yet. Don't think I would last very long in the lab. It'll be a trip when I do go back. The whirling dervish that everyone is used to will actually have to take those 15 minute breaks every 2 hours. Maybe even sitting down. People won't even recognize me at first if I'm not chewing my fur and going fifty miles a minute. I'm sure I'll get back to my ridiculous pace eventually but I'll have to work up to it.

That's all I've got for now. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Ang

2010-03-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Well, home from the hospital now and great overall news to share. Some not-so-great news to share about the adventure too.

Went in at 6am Friday. Whew, that's early! Checked in for surgery and had the unfortunate same-time experience (probably from being nervous) of also having the cha-chas. Not fun! Speaking of being nervous, reality finally hit me Thursday night and I got SCARED! I got really nervous about the surgery. I was worried that the surgeons would get in there and find something unexpected and not be able to do the surgery, I was worried about how much it was going to hurt, I was worried about never being able to use my arm again, etc., etc.. Not very much fun! But all night I just camped on Joshua 1:9 that says "...be strong and courageous...for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" The LORD, as in the maker of heaven and earth, king of all kings, ruler of everything, was going to be with me. If that's not comforting just sit on it for a minute.

So once I got checked in and my name was called, me, Mom, and Josh went back to the pre-op area. We met all the doctors and nurses and the anesthesiologists that were going to be working on me. It took 5 tries for the nurses to get an IV in that everyone liked so my right arm is covered in bruises from wrist to elbow on both the inside and outside of my arm. Once they finally all agreed on an IV, I finally got wheeled into the OR and got the "sleepy juice", which is the last thing I remember. But when I woke up I found out that my working IV was in my foot and that one took 2 tries too. So 7 tries total.

Next thing I knew it was around 11 and I was in the recovery room. And the docs were telling me that they had been able to take it all out of my elbow. Good news! 3 plates and 14 screws of varying sizes were now just in a ziploc for me to take home. Awesome! Happy - oh yeah! That's also when they started me on my post-op drugs. You guessed it, morphine. Boy oh boy! And we all just had to sit and wait in the recovery room for almost 6 hours for a hospital room to open up. When that FINALLY happened up I went to 6th floor Maleng. Didn't get my own hospital room this time but that's okay.

Next 24 hours were spent in the hospital room where I found out about my reaction to morphine - I got really itchy, broke out in a rash, my heart rate went through the roof, my blood pressure increased, and I got ridiculously dizzy. I was so dizzy I couldn't read the whiteboard on the wall 10 feet away with big writing on it. Scary!

I finally got to get off the morphine around 5 and, thank God, I felt okay. Everything still hurt, but not bad enough to take anything for it. Oh, and there was one other super-fun side effect from the morphine - I couldn't pee. I had to go but I just couldn't do it. I just had to keep getting catheters. Bummer! There was one nurse who turned out to be my knight in shining armor when he gave me a catheter when I was super uncomfortable. He said he got almost two liters of pee out of me! Yowza!

By 7 yesterday night I was peeing on my own and I wasn't dizzy any more, so they let me go home. Nice! Then I got to come home and sleep in my bed and snuggle with my husband. Aaaaah, right where I belong.

In case you're wondering what was in my arm, check it out...

Can you believe the long screw?!?! And can you believe that only 1 plate was thin. The other 2 were like this...

Holy smokes! That's no joke! But at least they're gone now.

And Katie, heck yeah, you and Andrew can come wash your hands anytime. And Janell, it would be great to see you and Nation. Just drop either me or mom an email and we'll figure out a good time.

And for a little summary, I'm now home and me and mom will pick up where we left off laughing at everything all day tomorrow. I go back to therapy starting Tuesday. And I'm finally just controlling (or at least trying to control) my pain with Tylenol. Super happy about that last one. I didn't feel like myself AT ALL on the morphine. And now I feel like I'm back. Gives me a whole new appreciation for what it must have been like for Josh and Mom early on and when I was coming out of my coma. Big kudos to both of them. Not easy!

Hope you're well,

Ang

2010-03-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hey there.

Thankfully doing better today. As though that would be tough considering the crap sandwich I was chewing on last time I wrote. What helped? A few things.

1) lots of tears. I was waterworks for almost the entire day straight.

2) hugs and snuggles (and a few irritated harsh-ish words) from the hubby. Good to put me in my place when I wind myself up too far. Especially when you're squeezing me.

3) good OT session. My OT had no idea I was so frustrated and when she found out she told me to just skip the putty all together and gave me other stuff to work on. Also helped that I made Mom tell her so I wouldn't star crying but then Mom started randomly crying so I cried anyway. Oh well.

4) Ephesians 6. Man that armor of God passage is a good one. Spent some time on that just praying and asking for help remembering to outfit myself with that armor.

Spent today running errands. Got my bangs trimmed and got my facial jewelry taken out to prepare for surgery in just 2 days. Ooooooh, can't wait. I think I'm sort of ignoring the reality that it's going to hurt like heck but that's okay. I'm slowly owning up to the fact that it'll be a set-back in a few ways. One of which will be getting dressed - mostly pulling up my pants will be tough. Another will probably be showering. We'll see what else is in store. I'll update probably by bitching about it when I get there. Ooh, fun to look forward to for all of you.

Don't think I've got much else. Oh, but I did get the sweetest soap dispenser at Target today. Pretty sure Josh will hate it but I love it enough to make it worth it still. It's a big yellow duck with a bobbly head. And the best part is that it quacks when you push down on the plunger! Heck yeah!!! And it quacks for kind of a long time too! Awesome!!! And I named him Winston.

One more thing - just wanted to say a big thanks to everybody who replied to my last post. Sure means a lot to find out people care enough to keep up and then even a little more to reply. That helped me get through that little bout of depression. So thank you. You are all certainly playing a pretty mighty role in my recovery! I couldn't imagine doing this alone.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Much love,

Ang

2010-03-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

Good morning. Or not so good.

Fair warning, if you read this blog to hear about progress or other uplifting things - skip today. And Dana, get your bible out and get ready to whack me me in the head. I am not doing so well. At all. Can't have too many days without feeling in the dumps or it just gets boring. Or something like that.

I am not in a good place. Mostly I just feel like a big, dark, black raincloud that goes around dumping misery and pain on all I come in contact with. Not fun. To feel like this or to be this person. I mostly just feel like a big piece of crap. I feel like I used to be fun and lighthearted and like that is all gone now. Now I just feel like I make people sad and require more energy than ever before. Especially for my husband. I've heard him say, and I believe, that he would have been worse off if I had died. At least at first. But now I just feel like a huge energy suck and that he has to settle everyday with loving the handicapped me. I feel really bad for him. It must really suck to be married to me. I can't take care of myself, I can't remember anything, and I need to be driven around all the time. Doesn't sound like much fun. And it's not that I don't feel like I deserve to be loved anymore, I just have a lot more understanding for people who don't have it in them. Loving me seems like a pretty one-sided thing right now. Yeah, I think about other people and do what I can to help out - it's just not much. And the good feelings knowing someone is thinking about you only go so far.

And another struggle, as though I need more, is my left hand. I feel really handicapped not being able to make my hand do what I want. Sometimes the fingers get stuck clenched and I can't straighten them out. Other times I can't grab what I want to. Pretty lame. And there's all these OT exercises I'm supposed to do but I just haven't been doing them because they remind me how hurt I still am and just make me want to cry. And I haven't even been able to tell my OT yet. Guess that's on the docket for this week. Oh boy.

All in all I just feel like a big let-down. It's taking so long for me to get better and I'm not the only one who's banking on it. Josh REALLY wants me to get better too. So does Mom. But it feels like no matter how hard I try I am just a big failure. And I'm disappointing others too. Bummer!

I think that's all I've got. Hope you had an okay time at my pity-party. If you didn't just let me know and I'll add it to the pile of things I feel bad about. Woo hoo.

Okay. Hopefully my next post won't be so bad. Stay tuned.

Ang

2010-03-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Nothing huge. Just saying hi. Mini update time.

Yesterday I went to lunch with my boss and got my performance review. Not bad. And lunch was great! Thanks, Brad. The review wasn't too bad either. Although I'm a little worried that it might be my last good review. We'll see. And then I got to hang out with the ladies last night. Yummy Redline and a little debauchery. Including giving poor Opie Doodle (the golden doodle dog) pop rocks. Too funny!

And then today and the day before yesterday I went to the gym. Worked my butt off. Day before yesterday I did the assmaster (stepmill) on level 3 for 15 minutes. Boy oh boy, did that do me in! And today I walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Found out that I can't smoothly walk without holding on faster than 1.8. But that's pretty good. And it finally didn't feel super awkward to pull my left hip forward when I step with my left leg. That's big success because I've been working on that all week in physical therapy.

And other big news - Josh got lasik today. It'll be weird to have him without glasses walking around the house. We are a surgery-happy family between the two of us. Two Fridays in a row in the Sweet household. And I'm only a little jealous that his recovery time is WAY shorter than mine will be. But I'm still excited about getting my surgery too.

Don't think I've got much else.

Hope you're doing well.

Ang

2010-03-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

Hey.

Well, it has been confirmed once again. I am my own worst enemy. No can diminish how far I've come or tell me what I cannot do like I can. So at least I've got that going for me. But I'm getting trickier at it. Instead of just telling myself how I'm not making any progress I am now acknowledging all the progress I have made and just telling myself that it doesn't mean anything or it doesn't matter when you look at how far I still have to go.

I think this was all brought on yesterday in OT. My therapist was having me work on hand mobility, specifically fingers and thumb. It did not go well to say the least. But now I know how the kitties feel. My thumb is barely opposable so my left hand might as well be a paw. Man, it never seems to stop overwhelming me when I get a glimmer of how hurt I really am. Kind of makes me feel like I'll never be better. And it makes me take a moment to inventory and recognize how hard this really is and how much my life sucks right now. Never any fun.

Despite all this I did make one huge step this week. I am now able to put my hair in a claw clip by myself. Yessssss!!! When I showed Josh he almost cried he was so happy for me. So that made me feel good. He is the best supporter EVER!!! I am so blessed to have him! Who ever knew that this is what was meant by loving your wife like Christ loves the church?!?! That is one big job! And he is doing so well! Meow, we all appreciate what you're doing and we are all, especially me, so proud of you for stepping up to such a monumental task. And kicking butt!

On a totally different note, I found the most AWESOME Easter cards. Here's what they look like...

HILARIOUS!!!!

Hope you liked them.

Ang

2010-03-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

Hi there.

Nothing new to report. Still pretty much the same. Although I did start a new medicine last night for the neurological pain. That's what the docs call the pins and needles. Maybe they just do that to sound smart. So prayers that this new mede works would be great.

Only other thing I have to report is my new struggle. Not fun. I have now started getting dizzy at times. When it first started it was only when I went from laying down to sitting up. Not that bad. But now it has started to sort of happen randomly. Yikes! I am scared poopless about falling! Really don't want that to happen. Prayers on staying upright would also be much appreciated. Hopefully I won't have to report soon about falling down. It's so embarrassing and I could hurt myself. Not something I want to give a shot.

That's about all I've got.

No, Katie, I can't smell Hef's toots up here. But I'm sorry you have to smell them down there. No fun.

And if anyone is interested I'd be more than happy to go through a book of the bible with you on the blog. Right now I'm almost done in Matthew but I'm pretty open for what's next. Any suggestions?

Okey dokey - till next time.

Ang

2010-03-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Boy do I have some big news! And I mean big!!! Had my ortho checkup today and they are going to take most if not all of the metal out of my arm! I got to schedule my surgery for March 19th. Woo hoo! Never thought I'd be so happy to go in for surgery. And it's soon! Yesssss!

Thanks for posting questions. Here's my best shot at answering them...

- cooking is going. Not back to where I was yet but on my way. I made white chicken chili and flourless chocolate cake this week. Yum! Definitely a step up from the Hamburger Helper I made last week. Only thing on the docket is caramel corn for the outpatient check in ladies. That is coming next week.

- let's see, I think it was just mostly me that was scared of the doctor this week. I don't really like going to appointments that make me realize how hurt I really am and give me a glimpse of how far I still have to go. And I didn't really want to get my hopes up in case the doctors just said I was SOL. Never fun to get shot down. I think I just mostly don't like going into a situation where I might get my bubble bursted about where I'm at. I have SUPER high expectations of myself and if docs tell you that you're way off base you kinda have to listen. Again, no fun. Mostly it just takes me a lot of self-talk to try to deal with it. Generally I just try to come up with the worst possible situation and try to convince myself that I will still love me even if that happens. Then I feel prepared for the worst and like I can handle anything that comes that isn't that bad. Weird? Yeah. But it's what I got.

- I do lots to laugh and have fun. Really I don't take anything too seriously. I spend lots of time laughing. And no shortage of that time is spent laughing at myself. Plus hanging with Mom really helps. We are constantly cracking each other up. What was funny today? Well, there was a man with a heinous yellow cowboy hat made of felt at the ortho clinic. Josh and I had a good time laughing at that. And of course there's always the cats to do something stupid or blame something on. Now that's funny. Especially when you can blame a toot on them. :) He he.

- My favorite food if Danish bacon didn't exist is definitely garlic bread. Especially if it has my meat sauce on it. Oh yeah, the wappy joe! Although pizza and Redline waffle fries are close seconds. And yes, I do find the pictures of me in the hospital encouraging because they really do show how far I've come. Boy, I was messed up and I'm A TON better now. This has been no small journey! I think the ones that are nearly the most helpful are the ones of me when I first opened my eyes. I look super hollow and nothing like myself. Talk about coming a long ways. I look nothing like that any more. And some people stay looking like that the rest of their lives.

- It is fun to watch the movies I don't remember. No deja vu moments yet but who knows what's to come. It is like getting to watch a whole new movie just one that I already know for sure I'm going to like.

- As for the book club I don't think I have the time. Plus I feel like if I'm reading it ought to be the bible. Do you want to do chapters of the bible? I'd be up for that. Just let me know.

- I have not caramelized bacon. Although I hear it's really good. And I can't imagine it's too difficult. Just lots of brown sugar and then bake it. Sounds good to me. No foods bringing back memories yet. But comfort foods like pasta and warm cookies are still comforting.

- me and Josh's mom are on good terms. Both his birth mom and his step-mom and I are friends. Nice, that's for sure. We don't hang out that much so that's probably why you don't hear about her very much. Whereas I spend 5 days a week with my mom so that's why you hear about her a lot. That and she is just plain awesome so there's always a good story to tell. Josh's mom and step-mom are both pretty darn fine people too. Really sweet and pretty darn nice. Just not around as much.

Well that takes care of it. Feel free to post questions as you have them and I'll try to answer them.

Thanks,

Ang

2010-03-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Hey there.

Doing okay. Pretty freaked out about the doctors appointments I have this week. But hey, what else is new? Ang is scared, big surprise. I pretty much live in a constant state of fear or pain now. Not super fun but all I've got.

Don't have much big and exciting to report. Except that I worked my butt off in the pool this week. Went for an hour and a half with no rests! Plus I finished by swimming the length of the pool twice by myself on my back with no cheater belt. Woo hoo!

Going to try something new - do any of you have any questions or is there anything you'd like to hear about? Thought at least one person must have a question so ask away. Not promising I'll answer your question but only one way to find out - ask away. It's not always easy to know what you want to hear about.

Hopefully I'll get some good responses. If not, don't think I'll try this again.

We'll see.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Ang

2010-02-27T11:00:00.000-08:00

Hi again. I'm back. Got lots for you today.

As for last week - outpatient started out great. I had 1 PT appointment and 2 OT appointments. PT seems good but it'll be tough. I will definitely be tired on PT days. LOTS of practice walking. And I got some awesome new exercises to do every day. Like do the grapevine, walk heel to toe, and balance on my left foot while making the alphabet with my right foot. And I can already see improvements on all of them. I feel more stable and don't need to hold on to any one's hand anymore to do the grapevine, I'm getting better at the heel-toe by not having to hold on anymore and now I don't even look at my feet anymore either, and I got all the way to "r" today before having to put my foot down while on my left foot! These are all really big accomplishments for me! And OT seems good too. She is mostly working on fine motor skills so it isn't crazy painful as of yet. Kinda nice but I'm still wary. All OT to this point has been ridiculously painful so I'm still suspicious. Oh yeah, and I got cleared to get rid of my walker. Yeah!

Let's see, lots for next week too. Wednesday I have my TBI follow-up where I get to ask about going back to work and driving. Among other things. My goal for that appointment is to get the doctor's note I need to go back to work. Then Thursday is my ortho follow-up where I get to learn what the plan is for all the hardware in my arm. My goal for that appointment is to get them to schedule a surgery to take at least some of this crap out. It is really starting to bother me and my elbow hurts a lot of the time now.

So, big week, here I come. Stay tuned for updates. I'll post info when I get it.

Bye,

Ang

2010-02-25T09:30:00.000-08:00

I know, it's been kind of a lot lately, but bear with me. Just thought I'd give another update.

Boy, yesterday was HARD!!! I did not have a good day! Was just sort of overwhelmed all day with feeling ugly. The pins and needles in my face are really hard for me to deal with. It just feels like I look like a stroke victim. The whole left side of my face still feels paralyzed. I know it's not, but it still feels that way. And it does move less than the right side of my face. WTF?!?!? What I would give to just feel pretty.

We stopped by the ICU yesterday at Harborview to thank some of the nurses and just check-in. They all told me how good I look, but of course, the last time they saw me I was swollen and in a coma. I know, I know, stop beating myself up. It's just really hard, that's all.

And then a little later I totally felt under attack. The enemy was telling me all kinds of things, and they sounded so true. He was telling me that I should feel bad for Josh that he ever married me since now I've ruined his life. And that I do nothing now but make my husbands life harder and make him sad all the time. He told me that I am just a big reminder of the accident and everyone would be so much better off if they didn't have to take care of me everyday. That I am just a big downer and all I do is make people sad. Not good! But at least I was able to recognize it as attack and I prayed for Jesus to defeat the devil and shed light on truth rather than lies. And it worked. God is so good! And He does love me! I am His daughter and He will always intercede for me for when I need Him! Phew! That is some good news! Because I was pretty lost before I called all that back to mind.

Any prayer you can spare for me on this front would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Ang

2010-02-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

Speaking of successes. Just had another one! This one you may want to, or not want to, hear about. So here goes - I popped my first zit since the accident. I think Josh might be happiest about this one because he's had to love me efficaciously in this way since the accident. It was on my chin so I could reach it. Kinda gross, I know. But a success nonetheless. Unfortunately I still can't reach the rest of my face with my left hand but I'm working on it.

That's all I've got.

Ang

2010-02-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Hola! How are you? Hope things are going well.

Well, I start a whole new adventure today, I have some good news, and I have a whole new struggle I'm dealing with. Where to start? How about the beginning? The new adventure - outpatient at Harborview. I start with PT today, start OT tomorrow, and start speech in a little while. Hope it's good! At least I should get new exercises so I'm excited about that. And I hope to get clearance soon to donate my walker to the nursing home I was in. Won't miss that! At all!

The good news - I've been able to reconnect with a few choice people from my past. And it is awesome!!! I even get to have lunch with the one I'm most excited about on Friday. What a treat! Guess this accident wasn't all bad after all. Being able to use it as a catalyst to re-hook up kinda makes it worth it. At least a tiny bit.

Let's see, the new struggle - I kind of feel trapped in recovery. It's not that I don't think I'm getting better, I can see lots of little improvements, but I just don't feel like I'll ever be done. Guess it all gets back to my lack of patience. I feel like I'll be getting better forever. And yeah, yeah, I know this is a whole lifelong journey but that just doesn't help make it any more palatable. Speaking of improvements, that was just one - my vocabulary has expanded enough to say palatable. Gotta take the little things I can get. I just wonder "will my left hand cramp up in the morning forever or will that go away?" You know, or maybe you don't, that kind of stuff. Definitely fodder for some questions at my TBI follow-up appointment next week. Look at that - fodder. Not bad! Little successes all the time.

Well, that's about all I've got.

Ta ta for now,

Ang

2010-02-20T00:05:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that it has been 6 months. It so often feels like that Ang got hurt just yesterday while at the same time it seems like it was years ago. As a husband I am so very thankful for where we are, but at the same time I am so angry that we had to go through this. What we have gone through is the stuff that you read about and never imagine that it could be you. It seems like just yesterday that I got the call saying that I needed to go to Harborview to be with my wife. I remember collapsing to my knees and praying that you were okay. I have always had a plan and going through this has made me realize how truly frivolous our plans are. We had all of our boxes checked; serving in church, being involved in community, etc. Our plans were nothing compared to what was in store for us. It has been amazing to see God at work in our lives since you got hurt.

I am so thankful that there is a vast part of this process that you don't remember but it was so hard to have gone through the first couple of months without you. I am so angry that this happened but I thank God every day that my wife is here now and I can look back on what we have gone through with her. When we first began this journey we had no idea what to expect. I knew my wife and her tenacious spirit, but honestly had no idea how strong she was until we went through this. Pride is a sin according to the Gospel, but there isn't a day that goes by that I am not proud of my wife and how much work she puts into getting back to "normal".

I have had a plan my entire life, but with what we have gone through has brought an uncertainty for us that will continue for years to come. I don't know what normal is supposed to be any more, but I know how precious life is that is for sure. I thank God that He has a perfect plan for us and that Ang will be completely healed one day regardless of what our life now brings us. This is hard to accept, but I believe with all my heart that it is truth.

I know that Ang will continue to heal; that where we are at is just another chapter of were God would have us. I pray that God will continue to heal Ang and that we would some day be able to have a family.

Our time here is short so don't take a second that you have with your loved ones for granted. Make a difference while you can! Eternity is forever, but while we are here we are called to love one another so turn to Jesus and love the best that you can.

Ang- You are an inspiration. Your willingness to share the Gospel even in our most trying time is amazing. It just goes to show people how Jesus can change your heart. If anyone can come back from this I know that it is you. No matter what the future holds for us I will never forget what you have gone through to be here and will strive to be the man that you deserve. I want to love you and to lead you. I will continue to strive to fulfill every vow that I made to you the day that were married and will always be by your side. I know that I have fallen short and ask that you would forgive me. I promise to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

There isn't a day that goes by that I wish that I could take all of this away, but at the same time am thankful that we have been able to share what we have gone through. I feel broken but built up in Christ and know that you are too. I never thought that I could love you more, but I feel that this experience has helped me understand how truly precious you are. I love you with all of my heart and always will.

I am so thankful that you are here to share your life with me. You amaze me every single day.

I would like to thank you all for your support and prayers and I ask you all to continue to pray for my wife. Pray that the Lord would continue to heal her and protect her and our family from the enemy during this season.

Your loving husband- Meow

2010-02-18T14:48:00.001-08:00

I'm back. As promised. And it has officially been 6 months since my accident! Sometimes it is surprising it's been that long like the accident was yesterday and sometimes it seems like it's been years. It feels like I've been struggling with mobility on my left side forever but it also seems like just yesterday that I didn't need a shower chair. Oh my. I certainly have been blessed. I've made HUGE progress! I've made it further in 6 months than some people make it in their entire recovery. Geez! Can you even imagine if I was still in a coma?!?! It's a trip to even think about. Wow!

As promised, here is a visual representation of my progress. But not without a warning. If you had to see me right after the accident and it scarred you, please don't go any further. If you didn't see me right after the accident because it was too much, please stop now. And if you're under the age of 18 please ask your parents before you go any farther. This is not rated G. Parental guidance is definitely suggested. Ok, here goes.

Here I am right after the accident...

Pretty trippy, huh?!?! Boy, I was messed up!

And then I finally opened my eyes a little later...

And only 6 months later, here I am now...

Kinda crazy! To say the least! But I think it is good for me to have some idea how far I've come. Even though according to Josh these pics don't even do it justice. He says it was even more overwhelming to see me like that plus see all the machines I was hooked up to plus see all the tubes sticking out of me. Wow! Maybe my not remembering is a blessing. 'Cause it looks like if I did remember it would have been pretty painful.

Looking at all this stuff does make me feel bad for Mom and Josh, though. But I guess they would have much rather been looking at me like that than looking at a headstone or an urn.

On that happy note I'll sign off. Thanks for hanging in there with me and I'm sorry for all those who did have to see me like that. Hope I didn't damage anyone or scare them. It is what it is.

Bye,

Ang

2010-02-17T16:22:00.000-08:00

I know, two in one day. Yeah, yeah, just bear with me. I just got really excited and had to share that I just swept and used the dustpan all by myself. That dustpan job is certainly a two-handed one and it is out-of-reach no more. Heck yeah!!! Success!!!

Oh, and while at the pool today I swam in the deep end without the cheater belt. Awesome! I swam on my back in the deep end without any help!!! Fantastic! And I was able to make circles in the water with my left hand going both ways! That's another first.

Thanks for your patience and putting up with my little word vomit.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Ang

2010-02-17T09:13:00.001-08:00

Thanks so much for keeping up. Can't imagine how lonely this would be if I had to do it alone. As if it's not hard enough. My heart just breaks for anyone else who's had to do this. Especially without incredible support! Can't even imagine it! And so thankful I don't have to! You guys really keep me going sometimes. You and Jesus. Good gracious, I can't even imagine doing this without God. He's carried me through much of it. And I mean much! How blessed I am!

It was kind of wild though - as I was sitting in church on Sunday I was totally convicted. Mark was preaching about how we all have to wage war with the enemy and I just haven't been doing that good of a job at it. For all big things I have been and remain 100% Jesus. But I am also my biggest critic and do a pretty good job of beating myself up pretty much daily. I just never thought of it before as giving Satan a foothold with my negative self-talk. But I guess that's what it is. I need to be thanking Jesus for all that He has given me and done for me every time I want to criticize myself or where I'm at. So that's my new plan. God knows I'll need prayer to stick to it. So that's where you come in. And gently - or not so gently - kick me in the butt if you hear me getting down on myself. Thanks. Much appreciated.

Boy, I sure count on all of you a lot. Sure am glad you're willing to team up with me on this whole healing process. Thanks.

Let's see - anything else. Well, I had a whole new set of successes on Monday. I spent my first day home alone all day. Pretty big deal. And I even walked over and went to the gym solo. And I didn't fall or get run over by a car (again) or even hurt myself in any way. It was a pretty big success. And boy did it feel good. Made me feel like I just might get back to being independent at some point. Pretty cool. At least a glimmer of hope. Although I also discovered staying home alone is not my favorite. I like it a lot better when Mom or Josh is here with me. Then at least I have someone to talk to. And laugh with.

Made a little more progress on the acupuncture front too. Now both sides of middle finger and one side of my ring finger on my left hand have feeling. Thank you, Abby. No small feat!

I think that is about all for now. I'll post again tomorrow with some scary pictures of when I first got in the accident to mark my 6 months. Whew - I can't believe how far I've come!!!

Talk to you tomorrow.

Ang

2010-02-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

Yo! Good news here! And lots of it!

Let's see - where to start? How about in the shower. No mental pictures, please! I had 2 huge successes in the shower. First, I was able to wash my right shoulder with my left hand. Haven't been able to reach that far until now. I tried again this morning but I couldn't reach again. And second, I successfully shaved my right armpit with my left hand!!! Twice! Don King in a headlock no more!!!

And the next big success came last Thursday at my acupuncture appointment. I got a little more feeling back!!! This time it's on the sides of my middle finger on my left hand. Now I can squeeze the bottom close to my palm without feeling the pins and needles! HUGE!

Let's see - I also made it to the gym three times last week. Finally! And on Friday when I went it was pretty tough because I just kept being reminded of how hurt I am. I am REALLY far from where I was before I got in this accident. But, hey, at least I'm still here.

Another bit of progress came because I finally manned up and looked at all the pictures of me from when I was in ICU. Crazy!!! I did not look good! But they do serve as a good reminder of where I was and how far I've come already. Kinda took the sting out of thinking about how hurt I still am while at the gym when I can only imagine how hurt I was! That is simply mind-boggling! Although I'll put the first warning out there, my plan is to post one of those pictures Thursday. That'll be my official 6 month-a-versary from the accident and it is shocking how far I've come!

One last little first - we went to our "normal" church service today in the morning. We've been going at night since the accident because there's less people and fewer people we know to get attacked by. But we did the 11:15 today and it was fine. We didn't get hoarded. It was nice.

I think that's all I've got. Thanks for keeping up.

Ang

2010-02-10T19:20:00.000-08:00

Hi again. It's me - as though it would be anyone else.

Not too much going on the past few days. Pretty relaxing day Tuesday. Just one little fun thing - had to go get my blood drawn at Highline hospital because the people from my PCP lost the blood they drew last week. Oh well. Did get one bit of good news, however. Apparently it is confirmed that I don't have Hepatitis. Gotta take what I can get these days. Lame good news but good news nonetheless.

Today was okay. Headed over to the gym again and did weights. I accidentally screwed up and got the quad and hamstring machines confused. At least I got the weights confused. Resulted in me doing my quad weight on my hamstrings. So that was a big success. Upped my weight by 15 pounds to now doing 50 on my hammies. Pretty good for me.

One other success today. I made dinner! And it was even good. Made a delicious Mexican pie type dish which was pretty much taco casserole. Yum.

That's about it. Talk to you soon.

Ang

2010-02-08T13:59:00.000-08:00

Hey there.

Big progress to report in the last few days! And I mean BIG!!! Boy, Saturday was full! I was able to balance on just my left foot for 33 seconds!!! Woo hoo! That sure beats the 1-2 seconds I was able to get in my PT assessment last week. Right on!!! I'll definitely keep working on that and maybe I'll be able to 'wow' my PT when I go in for my first appointment. And I did Wii fit for the longest I've been able to go so far. Big progress! And then I went with Josh and practiced driving! Kinda freaky but good nonetheless. I'm not sure if the discomfort is because I haven't driven in a while or because it was my first time driving the Subie. Either way it'll take some practice before I am comfy driving again. It'll definitely help when I can use my left arm a little more too.

As for today, I went to the gym with Mom and had three more big successes. First, I was able do sets of 12 on the bicep curl machine for the first time. Second, I was able to do 3 sets on the assisted pull up machine for the first time. And lastly, I felt comfortable on the elliptical for the first time. And comfortable enough to do a whole mile!!! Not too shabby! I'm getting there - even if it is slow. And I recognize that it's only slow to me. Either way - YEAH!

That's about all I've got. Thanks for keeping up.

Ang

2010-02-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

Hey there.

Sorry about the hiatus. Guess I needed a little break. Nothing huge to report but lots of little stuff. Lots of little progress.

First, I got a new PCP this week. And he is up for the challenge. Or at least he says he is. We'll see.

Next, I got started in outpatient at Harborview. And they only scheduled me out to mid-April. Don't know if that's 'cause they think I'll be done or if they just didn't want to discourage me. Either way I'm a little overwhelmed that I'm starting what will be the rest of my natural life. I just can't even fathom a time when I'm better. Seems like it would be a ways off. A LONG ways. My PT seemed good and my OT did too. Again, we'll see. At least they didn't pull on my arm like crazy and make it hurt a lot. I was pretty worried about that and now it seems as though I was worried for no reason. Although the next few weeks should be a trip since I am without therapy until the 24th. Kinda weird. Seems like it might be a bad idea to go so long. Who knows. Guess I'll just really have to keep on top of my exercises on my own. Woo hoo.

I was also able to love on a friend and watch her kids (with my mom) while she went to flower & garden show with her mom. Felt good to give back a little. And the 3-year-old didn't seem to mind at all that I was handicapped. I read books with her, played games, and even held and fed her baby brother. Not too shabby.

The pool kicked my butt, as usual. And both outpatient therapists said it's good that I get to do that every week. Just let me know if you're interested in coming to the pool with me. The more the merrier.

And my husband went out and bought me a safer car this week. Subaru outback, here I come. It's nice and it has the coveted butt warmers. Yeah! Now I just have to learn to drive again. Shouldn't be too bad though. I'm at least mentally ready to try it.

And, the best for last, I had an awesome acupuncture session today! During it I had a whole new sensation. I could feel between my big toe and my second toe on my left foot and it just felt like skin. No pins and needles. At least between two of my toes. Then later in the session I could move all the toes on my left foot and feel it. Up until that point I could feel my big toe and my little toe independently but the other three all felt like one big toe. Now they all feel separate and I feel like I can move them! Yessssss!!!

I think that's about all I've got going now. I'll write back sooner rather than later. I promise. Thanks for your patience.

Ang

2010-01-30T09:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry, couldn't get the results to post. Just let me know if you're interested and I can try again.

2010-01-30T08:57:00.000-08:00

Wow! Thanks for all the responses. I am definitely motivated to keep up the blog.

Been a busy few days around here. I had my neuropsych test results yesterday as well as an awesome birthday dinner at El Gaucho. If you're interested in the test the next post is a copy of the notes my mom took. All in all it didn't go too bad and dinner was fantastic! It was a little surprising that the area I need to work on most is high level organization. I have always been so psycho, anal about being organized. I think they're talking about on a different level. Should be interesting to see how I do, especially going back to work. Oh yeah, another thing to stress about.

Besides the neuropsych results I got to go to the pool and walked the length of Southcenter 5 times. Lots of work but fun too. And right now, Mom, I'm using my left hand to help me type this. So that's progress!

And Josh and I survived his first business trip since the accident. It was hard but we made it. Thanks for helping out so much, Mom. But he's home now so that's good.

Nothing huge coming up in the next few days. Mom's scotch party is tonight and I'm looking forward to lunch with my boss on Monday. Should be a good time and hopefully it'll put at least some of my work stress at ease. We'll see.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

2010-01-27T16:21:00.000-08:00

Hola!

Nothing big and fun to report about the last few days - except that my formerly lacerated kidney has healed completely. So that's good. And I got my first ever that I can remember IV when I went in for the kidney test. They injected some weird radioactive juice into my arm and then watched it as it went through my kidneys and into my bladder. I tell you one thing, that was the biggest pee that I've ever taken was when that test was done! It was my first and hopefully only Austin Power's pee. Whew!

That's about the only thing noteworthy from this week. There have been other little successes like upping weight/reps in the gym. And sometimes upping both. I also turned up the tension on the torture device last night. Woo hoo! More pain!

That's about all I've got. Besides wondering if anybody is reading this even more. If you are out there lone-reader, leave me a comment so I know you exist, please. Just don't want to be typing for the sake of typing. Let me know if you're enjoying it too or getting anything from it. Definitely want to keep it up if it's serving somebody in some way.

Okay. Thanks.

Ang

2010-01-25T11:09:00.001-08:00

Wow - I made 2 big steps yesterday!!!

The first was something I've been waiting for but didn't expect anytime soon. I was actually thankful for my accident last night! Every Christian knows temporally that apart from Christ you are dead but He slow-pitched to me to give me concrete proof. Apart from Christ I am dead on Delridge. He is the one who kept me alive, woke me up from my coma, and has been carrying me ever since. I just feel really lucky to know that without a doubt. So not only am I thankful for my accident but I can even see it as God's grace. What a trip!

The other big thing yesterday was not quite so good. I think I've officially retreated to the sad phase. Mostly I'm just having a real hard time with how hard this has all been on my husband. I just wish I could take it away from him. I wish I could be better and take care of him. Just feeling like a burden again. Kinda sucks but at least I know it's not truth. I know that he is happy to take care of me. Hell, he's just glad I'm not dead. But it's still hard.

Well, I think that's all I've got for now.

Bye.

Ang

2010-01-23T14:07:00.000-08:00

Boy, this week has been a whirlwind!

Started out with the neuropsych test. Which was intense! And unfortunately took 2 days to get through. Tuesday was 7 hours of testing and a 2 hour interview with some doctors. Whew - big day. Then I had another 2 1/2 hours of testing on Wednesday. It was sort of fun but I was surprised at how tired I was at the end of the day on Tuesday. And some of the questions were super dumb. Like what is the circumference of the earth? And how many minutes does it take for sunlight to reach the earth? Who knows??? TBI or not I don't know the answers to those questions. But I did get to represent us science nerds pretty well when the lady administering the test asked me at what temperature does water boil and I told her in both Fahrenheit and Celsius. I even called my boss to tell him about that. All in all I think it went pretty well and I get to find out on Friday. I think I'll be okay as long as I get above 90th percentile. Any lower and that is just too foreign for me.

Let's see, what else this week? Success at the gym on Thursday. I did one set of assisted pull ups and 10 minutes on the stepmill. Plus I did 10-10-12 on the shoulder press machine. Pretty darn good. And then I was able to hold a 5 lb weight in my left hand and raise it out to the left for 3 sets of 10 too.

Then I went to the dentist and got told I can wait for the root canal. I guess the nerve damage to the left side of my face makes it unclear if I need the root canal for sure and if I need any other ones too. I think we're just going to check again in 6 months.

I also earned Josh and I a free dinner on Thursday. Josh's dad and stepmom came over and Josh's dad said he'd buy dinner if I could run up the stairs. So I hauled butt and pretty much did. And boy was that dinner tasty!

Last night we got to go hang out with Billy and Sharon at their house. Delicious dinner again to say the least. Plus I got some acupuncture and we watched a movie. Pretty fun.

And then this morning I did something else all new again. I cooked breakfast! I made a hash brown patty that we shared plus I made us both toast. Mine had cream cheese and smoked salmon on it and Josh's was just buttered. Then I made some juice (from frozen concentrate) and had a smoothie. Plus I was able to make Josh some scrambled eggs. It was almost like old times again. A little more work with the left hand but it paid off. Breakfast was great and it felt really good to take care of my husband.

Today started with sleeping in and is shaping up to be a pajama day. Yesssss!!!!! Not too much on the docket for next week. I have a urology appointment at Harborview on Tuesday. I was slow in scheduling it because I didn't know why I needed it. Finally I learned it is follow up for my lacerated kidney so I put it in the cue. Then Friday I have the neuropsych read out which I'm pretty interested in. Not much else besides OT and pool therapy.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

2010-01-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hi.

It's me, again. As though it would be anybody else. Doing okay. Definitely in transition right now, but doing okay. I think I'm sort of getting used to Josh going to work. Not fun but getting used to it. Kind of makes me long fort the weekends even more.

But I did have a whole new experience yesterday. Didn't even take my cane to church. Then, as we were walking out I felt unnervingly comfortable walking. Felt super steady and it felt like my walk was pretty good. Surely gave me hope that someday walking might be automatic again. Kinda crazy to think that walking would ever be something tough!

And I set a new goal for myself. I want to be able to put my own hair in a ponytail. Seems kinda lofty right now but I've got it in my sights. Makes me think about how playing with my hair used to be so automatic and re-ponytailing it used to come with no thought. Oh to have those days again. Makes me realize how much is taken for granted. Every little thing is assumed to be something you just have - until it is all gone. Then you start pining over everything. It's a trip, that's for sure.

Big news for this week - I've got my neuropsych evaluation tomorrow. And it is going to be a long day. Goes from 8am to 5pm. I'm not too freaked out about it. Sort of looking forward to it as twisted as that is. Should be a whole day of puzzles which I like. Although I'm sure I'll be plenty tired by the time it's over.

That means today is a day of rest. Minimal therapy crap to do today and I don't have to wear the torture device. Yeah!

Speaking of the torture device, it has taken on a whole new life. I try to wear it while I sleep now. Can be pretty painful but I'm able to wear it for 6 hours now. It is a little disconcerting to actually be woken up by pain. Never had that before, at least not that I can remember. I'm sure it happened in the hospital at least once.

That's all I've got for now.

TTFN.

Ang

2010-01-14T13:05:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday - na na na na na. Happy birthday to me - na na na na.

Today is shaping up to be great. I got to sleep in with Josh this morning and then he made me breakfast. When we get going we're headed to Palomino and maybe a movie. Should be a good day.

In general doing okay. Still a little depressed that my left side isn't working yet. My arm and leg feel really heavy and the left side of my face still feels stiff. Oh well, baby steps. I am still seeing mini progressions every now and then. On Monday my face itched while I was stretching and I was able to itch my eye with my left hand. That was a success!!!

Yesterday my mom took me to the pool for pool therapy and she even got in with me! It was awesome! Thanks, Mom!

Josh starts his new job tomorrow so that should be tough. Especially since he has to be in the office every day for six weeks. Yowch! That'll be tough on both of us! I certainly will miss him!

That has been my biggest worry lately - heading back to work. It seems like March/April is right around the corner. I think I'm mostly just freaked out that I won't be able to do my job any more. Or worse that I'll get back and they'll find out how reduced I am and fire me. Should be a trip and will definitely be a challenge.

Still trying to figure out the maze that is outpatient therapy. We'll see how that goes. And of course there's the whole added hoop to jump though of the Harborview/Aetna contract dispute. Prayer on this front would be much appreciated.

Don't think I have anything else for right now.

Thanks for reading,

Ang

2010-01-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

Figured it was only a matter of time until I got here, but I am here now for sure. Mostly just tired. And beat up. And even though I've never entertained the thought before just giving up seems more and more appealing. I'm still not there yet, but it is sounding nicer and nicer. Oh how I would love to just lay in bed all day and not have to work so hard in therapies. It is almost worth resigning to be crippled the rest of my life. But not quite. Plus I can't quit now because it would be so unfair to Josh. He's worked so hard helping me and taking care of me so I can get better. But from a realistic perspective this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. It hurts and it takes so much time and most of the time I don't feel like I'm getting any better. Other people seem to notice improvements but I am my worst critic. Guess I'll have to work on that some too. What don't I have to work on?!?!

But I do think I've resigned to never getting back to "normal". I'm working a lot right now on being able to walk without my cane but I can't even imagine ever having walking feel "normal" again. I just have to think so much about it right now. Maybe it will come. After all I used to have to really focus to be able to go up the stairs and now it's pretty much the only thing I find easy. So I guess that's hope. But however life does pan out after this I think "normal" is a long shot. I've changed too much and so has Josh for us to ever be "normal" again. Hey, maybe we'll be "better".

Stuff I need prayer for: 1st and foremost - PATIENCE! With myself, my healing, and everything. I keep getting bogged down in not feeling like I'm getting any better, even though I am. I think I am just looking for grandiose improvements rather than little ones. Kinda setting yourself up for failure when success looks like complete healing and nothing less. Oh well. I definitely need prayer on this front.

Thanks,

Ang

2010-01-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been better. Not that it takes much, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Even a little bit better is welcome.

Josh has been home with me the last few days. It makes me feel much better. Although tears prevailed today despite him being here. Bummer. Today I was sort of overwhelmed with feeling like less of a person than I used to be before my accident. I tried to fight that off with the knowledge that I am not viewed as less of a daughter of God now than before. That helped.

I've been pretty frustrated lately with seemingly everything reminding me that I am still hurt. Every morning I wake up and go through my mental checklist. Unfortunately every morning I'm disappointed discovering that my pins and needles are still there on my whole left side, my arm is still hard to move, my leg is still hard to move, and my face still feels frozen on the left. Sort of a hard way to wake up. And it just seems to set the stage for the hard day that follows.

Yesterday I made tiny progress. I made it almost 45 minutes in my terminator brace so that's good. And every time I go over my progress with my mom and/or Josh they seem so much happier than me. They unfortunately can remember how bad off I was at the very beginning of all this so they see how far I've really made it. I can't remember any of that so I don't have a good point of reference. All I can compare to is before all this crap happened which is just sort of depressing because I am so far from there. Oh well, just keep going I guess.

I keep daydreaming about when this is all just a memory. I can't wait for that. And one of my friends gave me a good outlook on that because she said her dad had only 1 hand when she was growing up and she hardly even noticed it. It was just normal for her. It never scared her or anything. I've been sort of scared about how if I do get better, I mean when I do get better, once I have kids they are going to think my elbow is freaky. As the swelling keeps going down the screws and brackets are sticking out even more. See...

Kinda crazy, huh?!?!

And here's my two braces I'm living with now. Again, ultimate reminders of how hurt I still am. The first is the torture device. I'm up to 4 hours in it now. Boy, does it hurt. The 2nd and 3rd are the terminator. That one sure is a trip.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

2010-01-07T14:08:00.000-08:00

What a crazy couple of days it has been!!! Josh going back to work was harder than I even thought it would be. Wow!!! I try to console myself by just laying in bed crying every morning and snuggling his empty side of the bed. It is really hard! And it hasn't gotten any easier yet. Although I find the rest of my day is better if I just have a good, hard cry first thing. Then at least I don't spend the rest of the day fighting back tears. Sometimes I do anyway, but it seems to help at least a little to let it out in the morning.

All kinds of stuff happening too. Lots of big, new, first steps. All week my mom has been with me but today she had an appointment and had to leave. It's the first time I've been left all alone without someone coming back soon. It was pretty scary. But I survived. Lots of tears today, that's for sure. And then I went to pool therapy for the first time without Josh. Also really scary. Lots of tears for this too. But now I'm home from the pool, I have to shower, and then I'm all alone just waiting for Josh to come home from work. Again, you guessed it, more tears.

And I'm trying to gear up for all sorts of other kinds of changes too. I finish Rehab Without Walls next Friday and then have to figure something out for outpatient. Again, scary! Especially since I don't know if insurance is going to cover it at Harborview. So it might either be pay a pretty penny or try to explain all about my accident to some new doc who doesn't even know me. Never a dull moment. Any prayer surrounding this transition would be much appreciated. I know God'll put me right where I need to be, but it is stressful and scary nonetheless.

I think that's about all I've got for now.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang