Good Morning.
Nothing big to report here. In fact, it's feeling like that more and more. I think I might actually be done trying to keep up the blog. I promise that when there are new biggies I'll post about them but this way I can stop having "did you write on your blog" looming over me and trying to make me feel guilty. I swear, I have enough issues with feeling guilty about this and that, I feel like if there is one that I can kick to the curb I should really do it.
So, farewell. Thanks for keeping up with me. It's been great to have people listening. And commenting.
Josh and I should be starting up neurofeedback at home pretty quick here and with that up to three times a week who knows what we'll see. If there's anything earth shattering, or even mildly interesting, I'll post about it.
That's pretty much all I've got for updates.
Again, thanks for hanging in there with me. This blog was something else when I first started writing on it. Thinking back to then it's really stark how far I've come. And you've all been on that journey with me.
Much love,
Ang
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Hi.
Not much today but a bit. I had my first TBI Advisory Board meeting this week. I think it went well. I was not the only survivor there, but was the only one my age. There were quite a few other survivors. Mostly it was an update meeting on how the current studies are going in the Model System at the UW. And I was able to provide some I thought useful feedback at one point. So that was good. Made me not just feel like a lump on a log.
And I guess I just now made a new realization a few minutes ago. I was washing my hands in front of a mirror and I took a moment to look at my pic line scar on my neck. That one really used to bother me but it is hardly noticeable at all any more. Progress. No matter what it feels like, things are still improving and moving. Sometimes it feels really stagnant but oh, it is not. I am still making big improvements, just on different stuff now.
And I had another great session with the happy clappy TBI shrink. We are working on how to get me to stop comparing everything to the person I was before. I used to get so much of my identity from my ability to have good output - be it work or intelligence or anything else. Now I really get to figure out what it feels like to get my identity from being a child of God. Really good for me but pretty scary too. I've always known that that's who I am but I always had all the other stuff to fall back on. I knew it in my head and not my heart. Now I get to really rely on being a child of God to give me all I need for identity. Wow! God sure is opening new doors for me that I don't think would have come about without this accident. He is so good! And I think my relationship with Him is just going to get better from slogging through this stuff.
That's what I've got for now. Boy oh boy, my at-home therapy stuff is really starting to get big. If I forget to tell y'all about it, somebody remind me. I am up to about my eyeballs in stuff to do at home now. Whew.
Have a good one. Talk at ya later.
Ang
Not much today but a bit. I had my first TBI Advisory Board meeting this week. I think it went well. I was not the only survivor there, but was the only one my age. There were quite a few other survivors. Mostly it was an update meeting on how the current studies are going in the Model System at the UW. And I was able to provide some I thought useful feedback at one point. So that was good. Made me not just feel like a lump on a log.
And I guess I just now made a new realization a few minutes ago. I was washing my hands in front of a mirror and I took a moment to look at my pic line scar on my neck. That one really used to bother me but it is hardly noticeable at all any more. Progress. No matter what it feels like, things are still improving and moving. Sometimes it feels really stagnant but oh, it is not. I am still making big improvements, just on different stuff now.
And I had another great session with the happy clappy TBI shrink. We are working on how to get me to stop comparing everything to the person I was before. I used to get so much of my identity from my ability to have good output - be it work or intelligence or anything else. Now I really get to figure out what it feels like to get my identity from being a child of God. Really good for me but pretty scary too. I've always known that that's who I am but I always had all the other stuff to fall back on. I knew it in my head and not my heart. Now I get to really rely on being a child of God to give me all I need for identity. Wow! God sure is opening new doors for me that I don't think would have come about without this accident. He is so good! And I think my relationship with Him is just going to get better from slogging through this stuff.
That's what I've got for now. Boy oh boy, my at-home therapy stuff is really starting to get big. If I forget to tell y'all about it, somebody remind me. I am up to about my eyeballs in stuff to do at home now. Whew.
Have a good one. Talk at ya later.
Ang
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Hi.
I've got some pretty big, at least to me, stuff to bring you up to speed on.
Yesterday I had another good session with my happy-clappy TBI shrink guy and we are on a roll. We started on the not-so-fun grief/loss counseling that comes along with this kind of trauma. Not so fun, but good.
And I made a big step in OT. I don't have to wear my wrist and thumb brace all the time anymore. Yeah! But my OT did say that I really should start trying to type with both hands so this blog posting is now sort of a chore. My tone really seems to kick in and my fingers don't want to move. Oh well, hopefully it'll get better the more I do it.
And I had a really big thing go down yesterday too. For the first time since my accident I felt comfortable in my body. I felt like me rather than my insides in a broken shell. It felt REALLY good. I don't really have the same feeling today but I'm just going to try to maintain the high of having it yesterday. Gotta try and go with what you got.
And I also, for the first time yesterday, actually took note of how much better it feels for me to walk. I remember when I was first learning to walk again I never thought I would ever get to the place again where walking would just come naturally - I thought it would ALWAYS be laborsome and I'd ALWAYS have to think about each individual part of it. But yesterday I realized that I'm actually there, it does just come naturally. I don't have to think about it. Just one word sums that up - SUCCESS!
I'm sure I could think of more to say, but honestly I'm tired of struggling to type.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
I've got some pretty big, at least to me, stuff to bring you up to speed on.
Yesterday I had another good session with my happy-clappy TBI shrink guy and we are on a roll. We started on the not-so-fun grief/loss counseling that comes along with this kind of trauma. Not so fun, but good.
And I made a big step in OT. I don't have to wear my wrist and thumb brace all the time anymore. Yeah! But my OT did say that I really should start trying to type with both hands so this blog posting is now sort of a chore. My tone really seems to kick in and my fingers don't want to move. Oh well, hopefully it'll get better the more I do it.
And I had a really big thing go down yesterday too. For the first time since my accident I felt comfortable in my body. I felt like me rather than my insides in a broken shell. It felt REALLY good. I don't really have the same feeling today but I'm just going to try to maintain the high of having it yesterday. Gotta try and go with what you got.
And I also, for the first time yesterday, actually took note of how much better it feels for me to walk. I remember when I was first learning to walk again I never thought I would ever get to the place again where walking would just come naturally - I thought it would ALWAYS be laborsome and I'd ALWAYS have to think about each individual part of it. But yesterday I realized that I'm actually there, it does just come naturally. I don't have to think about it. Just one word sums that up - SUCCESS!
I'm sure I could think of more to say, but honestly I'm tired of struggling to type.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Good morning.
Hope all is well with y'all. I'm doing pretty darn well on this end. Lots of forward movement in my life.
I got my heel switch figured out with the help of my PT and I am now trying to walk with the estim 30 minutes most every day.
I am almost officially graduated from PT. I have one more follow-up session in two weeks and then I am officially done. Never thought I'd see this day nearing.
I had a really good acupuncture/cranial sacral session on Tuesday. I told my acupuncturist that I'm beginning to process emotionally and sort of drowning in that at times. He said that from what he could tell though I may be doing a lot more emotionally he couldn't detect any emotional problems. Plus he said that he could detect that I've made significant improvements even in just the last month as far as my energy goes so he was able to do some more intense cranial sacral work with me. It must have been really big improvements because at my last session he said that my next session would be my last and now he thinks there's more work that he can do. Woo hoo!
And the happy-clappy TBI shrink was really good too. And my mom says he's a psychologist not a shrink so I should probably point that out. Anyway, my time with him was very beneficial. We are starting work on a surface level intervention of some of my unhealthy thoughts. For the past week my homework has been to stop every time I make an "I" statement and change it to a "part of me" statement. This is meant to combat my absolutist tendencies and self-labeling and generalizations that I commonly fall into. I know it seems small but it really makes a lot of my self talk a lot less overwhelming. And it was pretty funny when I texted Josh "part of me doesn't know what part of me would do without you". Hee hee. :)
And work has been going well lately too. I am about half way through my first experiment that I am fully responsible for. And it's successful so far. Granted I am not doing all the work on it since I'm only there 3 days a week, but I am in the drivers seat and my initials are on the schedule next to the spaces blocked out for the tanks. It's a pretty big deal to me. I'm doing what I used to do. Successfully. Nobody EVER thought I'd be able to go back to this. And I'm doing it. Thank you, Jesus!
I got a new splint this week too. It's a shoulder splint that works on external rotation. It is AWESOME! I decided to "just try it" with no expectations and realized this morning how much I like it. It's a good stretch and I am able to get in and out of it solo. And that's a BIG deal! So I'll be able to use this splint without needing help from anyone. I feel like it's kind of an avenue for me to progress in independence in my therapy stuff. Yeah!
And I learned how to knit a couple days ago. I'm starting a scarf for my OT. It's not as pretty as the ones grandmas make but the yarn is super soft so it'll be nice anyhow.
Ooh, and, I almost forgot, I'm on a big adventure for today. I'm going to try to go get a tattoo. I'm really hoping it works out. I'm getting Joshua 1:9 on the inside of my right forearm. For those of you who might not know, Joshua 1:9 says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." I'm so excited. Considering this verse pretty much got me through the transition from the nursing home back to Harborview for inpatient rehab and I continue to cling to it and it gets me through MANY days even now I think it'll be a great tattoo.
And lunch with Annie was great on Sunday too. She is so nice. We had a really good time. And Drew is making HUGE steps. If you want to check out his story go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale. He is really moving right along. And it was nice to get to support our sister in Christ who is going through a similar struggle. It was wonderful and a little bit creepy to get to hear how much Annie has struggled from the bedside of Drew and see how much Josh could really relate and connect to and understand that. I think I really lucked out that I don't have any memory of that. I cannot imagine how hard that must've been. My goodness, my husband has been through so much. Please pray for him for healing and the ability to keep moving forward with me. And the same for Annie too.
That's pretty much where I'm at.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Hope all is well with y'all. I'm doing pretty darn well on this end. Lots of forward movement in my life.
I got my heel switch figured out with the help of my PT and I am now trying to walk with the estim 30 minutes most every day.
I am almost officially graduated from PT. I have one more follow-up session in two weeks and then I am officially done. Never thought I'd see this day nearing.
I had a really good acupuncture/cranial sacral session on Tuesday. I told my acupuncturist that I'm beginning to process emotionally and sort of drowning in that at times. He said that from what he could tell though I may be doing a lot more emotionally he couldn't detect any emotional problems. Plus he said that he could detect that I've made significant improvements even in just the last month as far as my energy goes so he was able to do some more intense cranial sacral work with me. It must have been really big improvements because at my last session he said that my next session would be my last and now he thinks there's more work that he can do. Woo hoo!
And the happy-clappy TBI shrink was really good too. And my mom says he's a psychologist not a shrink so I should probably point that out. Anyway, my time with him was very beneficial. We are starting work on a surface level intervention of some of my unhealthy thoughts. For the past week my homework has been to stop every time I make an "I" statement and change it to a "part of me" statement. This is meant to combat my absolutist tendencies and self-labeling and generalizations that I commonly fall into. I know it seems small but it really makes a lot of my self talk a lot less overwhelming. And it was pretty funny when I texted Josh "part of me doesn't know what part of me would do without you". Hee hee. :)
And work has been going well lately too. I am about half way through my first experiment that I am fully responsible for. And it's successful so far. Granted I am not doing all the work on it since I'm only there 3 days a week, but I am in the drivers seat and my initials are on the schedule next to the spaces blocked out for the tanks. It's a pretty big deal to me. I'm doing what I used to do. Successfully. Nobody EVER thought I'd be able to go back to this. And I'm doing it. Thank you, Jesus!
I got a new splint this week too. It's a shoulder splint that works on external rotation. It is AWESOME! I decided to "just try it" with no expectations and realized this morning how much I like it. It's a good stretch and I am able to get in and out of it solo. And that's a BIG deal! So I'll be able to use this splint without needing help from anyone. I feel like it's kind of an avenue for me to progress in independence in my therapy stuff. Yeah!
And I learned how to knit a couple days ago. I'm starting a scarf for my OT. It's not as pretty as the ones grandmas make but the yarn is super soft so it'll be nice anyhow.
Ooh, and, I almost forgot, I'm on a big adventure for today. I'm going to try to go get a tattoo. I'm really hoping it works out. I'm getting Joshua 1:9 on the inside of my right forearm. For those of you who might not know, Joshua 1:9 says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." I'm so excited. Considering this verse pretty much got me through the transition from the nursing home back to Harborview for inpatient rehab and I continue to cling to it and it gets me through MANY days even now I think it'll be a great tattoo.
And lunch with Annie was great on Sunday too. She is so nice. We had a really good time. And Drew is making HUGE steps. If you want to check out his story go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale. He is really moving right along. And it was nice to get to support our sister in Christ who is going through a similar struggle. It was wonderful and a little bit creepy to get to hear how much Annie has struggled from the bedside of Drew and see how much Josh could really relate and connect to and understand that. I think I really lucked out that I don't have any memory of that. I cannot imagine how hard that must've been. My goodness, my husband has been through so much. Please pray for him for healing and the ability to keep moving forward with me. And the same for Annie too.
That's pretty much where I'm at.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Hey there,
Happy Halloween! Hope it's a fun day for you all and especially for your kiddos who are about to get jacked up on candy and make your lives as miserable as they can. Oh joy - the excitement of the beginning of the holidays!
I really don't have much right now. My head has sort of been in the dumps lately but I guess that is just sort of par for the course. I finally got low enough yesterday that I committed to calling the happy-clappy TBI shrink at Harborview and making an appointment. Just have some nasties to slog through and I think I need some help. Despite the aforementioned title I really like the haapy-clappy TBI shrink. He's great. He's not all sugar-coated or oh-this or oh-that, he's pretty down to business but gentle and a good listener. I'm hoping he can be helpful with managing this poo pile I'm living in right now. It is kind of weird though. My mom's take on where I'm at is sort of hopeful. She thinks that maybe now that I'm now starting to plateau a little bit in my physical recovery I have the energy needed to really start my emotional recovery. Makes sense. I don't think I had the energy to deal with this head stuff while I was working SO hard learning to walk again or learning how to take care of myself again. Now that I don't have to work so hard at that stuff, maybe I'm having the energy to work hard on healing in other ways. Don't get me wrong, it sucks to be where I'm at, but I think it needs to be done. It's part of the process.
A little bit of other news - we ordered at-home neurofeedback equipment and it should be getting here soon. It'll be really nice to not have to go all the way to Bellevue to do that kind of therapy. And having my own equipment makes me able to take it with me when I travel. Now I'll be able to continue therapy while I'm in Alaska for Christmas rather than being forced to have a big hiatus in therapy because I'm out of town.
And I'm excited because we get to go have lunch with Annie today. She's Drew's lady friend. Drew is the guy we know of that got hurt at the end of August. He was in a coma and is now starting the road to recovery. I think it'll be really nice to be able to support her, share our experiences with her, answer any questions she has, and pray with her and for her. I'm just a little scared that I'll cry the whole time. But I think I'll be able to at least quasi keep it together because we all have that nice automatic internal function where if we don't feel like we're in a safe place to cry we just won't.
Kinda funny how useful that function has become for me. I used to be so tough - never really cried. And now in the words of my husband, "She just goes water works." Weird. But I guess that's just part of the new me - who I am now that my brain got banged around a bit.
Would appreciate prayer for the shrink stuff, and that I can beat myself up about it less.
Thanks.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Happy Halloween! Hope it's a fun day for you all and especially for your kiddos who are about to get jacked up on candy and make your lives as miserable as they can. Oh joy - the excitement of the beginning of the holidays!
I really don't have much right now. My head has sort of been in the dumps lately but I guess that is just sort of par for the course. I finally got low enough yesterday that I committed to calling the happy-clappy TBI shrink at Harborview and making an appointment. Just have some nasties to slog through and I think I need some help. Despite the aforementioned title I really like the haapy-clappy TBI shrink. He's great. He's not all sugar-coated or oh-this or oh-that, he's pretty down to business but gentle and a good listener. I'm hoping he can be helpful with managing this poo pile I'm living in right now. It is kind of weird though. My mom's take on where I'm at is sort of hopeful. She thinks that maybe now that I'm now starting to plateau a little bit in my physical recovery I have the energy needed to really start my emotional recovery. Makes sense. I don't think I had the energy to deal with this head stuff while I was working SO hard learning to walk again or learning how to take care of myself again. Now that I don't have to work so hard at that stuff, maybe I'm having the energy to work hard on healing in other ways. Don't get me wrong, it sucks to be where I'm at, but I think it needs to be done. It's part of the process.
A little bit of other news - we ordered at-home neurofeedback equipment and it should be getting here soon. It'll be really nice to not have to go all the way to Bellevue to do that kind of therapy. And having my own equipment makes me able to take it with me when I travel. Now I'll be able to continue therapy while I'm in Alaska for Christmas rather than being forced to have a big hiatus in therapy because I'm out of town.
And I'm excited because we get to go have lunch with Annie today. She's Drew's lady friend. Drew is the guy we know of that got hurt at the end of August. He was in a coma and is now starting the road to recovery. I think it'll be really nice to be able to support her, share our experiences with her, answer any questions she has, and pray with her and for her. I'm just a little scared that I'll cry the whole time. But I think I'll be able to at least quasi keep it together because we all have that nice automatic internal function where if we don't feel like we're in a safe place to cry we just won't.
Kinda funny how useful that function has become for me. I used to be so tough - never really cried. And now in the words of my husband, "She just goes water works." Weird. But I guess that's just part of the new me - who I am now that my brain got banged around a bit.
Would appreciate prayer for the shrink stuff, and that I can beat myself up about it less.
Thanks.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Hola.
How you doin'? Hopefully well. Things are chugging along over here.
Let's see - what's been up lately? A few things. I've been having more trouble lately than I have in quite a while just getting around. My left side has been feeling really heavy lately so it takes some real effort to move it around. Especially going up stairs. And my muscle spasticity has been a lot greater lately too. I feel really tight on my whole left side. The best way I can describe it is you know your first big stretch in the morning after you get up? You know how all your muscles tighten up and that's when you usually let out a little grunt? It's like that for me ALL the time on my left side.
What else? We started a new community group last night. It was great! I think God will really use it grow us, to grow the other people in it, and to reach the community. It felt good! It was super comfortable and everybody was really nice. And genuine. I can't wait to see where it goes.
And other stuff? I have officially settled in to my new head space about the physical challenges I'm experiencing. Now when life gets tough for me physically I say a little prayer, "God, I trust you and I know that I am in the best possible place for me to be. Please help get me through right now and help me to exude faith so that You are made much of and glorified."
And? I think I am making some real headway in neurofeedback. One of the things where we're working with the electrodes right now is supposed to have an effect on is emotional awareness and communication. And that it is! I have been a lot clearer with how I'm feeling in the past week and have taken a HUGE step towards "normal". Ever since I was baby I've needed me time. Time where I just am by myself. When I was a baby that was apparent when I would just scream until someone put me in my crib, left the room, and shut the door. When I was a teenager it was apparent when I would just go inside my walk-in closet and shut the door. No matter who or how many people were around. And last week I felt for the first time like I needed some me time. And I was able to communicate that to Josh and then just go in our bedroom and shut the door. This is a REALLY big step forward for me! Yeah! Progress!
That's where I'm at.
Talk at ya soon.
Ang
How you doin'? Hopefully well. Things are chugging along over here.
Let's see - what's been up lately? A few things. I've been having more trouble lately than I have in quite a while just getting around. My left side has been feeling really heavy lately so it takes some real effort to move it around. Especially going up stairs. And my muscle spasticity has been a lot greater lately too. I feel really tight on my whole left side. The best way I can describe it is you know your first big stretch in the morning after you get up? You know how all your muscles tighten up and that's when you usually let out a little grunt? It's like that for me ALL the time on my left side.
What else? We started a new community group last night. It was great! I think God will really use it grow us, to grow the other people in it, and to reach the community. It felt good! It was super comfortable and everybody was really nice. And genuine. I can't wait to see where it goes.
And other stuff? I have officially settled in to my new head space about the physical challenges I'm experiencing. Now when life gets tough for me physically I say a little prayer, "God, I trust you and I know that I am in the best possible place for me to be. Please help get me through right now and help me to exude faith so that You are made much of and glorified."
And? I think I am making some real headway in neurofeedback. One of the things where we're working with the electrodes right now is supposed to have an effect on is emotional awareness and communication. And that it is! I have been a lot clearer with how I'm feeling in the past week and have taken a HUGE step towards "normal". Ever since I was baby I've needed me time. Time where I just am by myself. When I was a baby that was apparent when I would just scream until someone put me in my crib, left the room, and shut the door. When I was a teenager it was apparent when I would just go inside my walk-in closet and shut the door. No matter who or how many people were around. And last week I felt for the first time like I needed some me time. And I was able to communicate that to Josh and then just go in our bedroom and shut the door. This is a REALLY big step forward for me! Yeah! Progress!
That's where I'm at.
Talk at ya soon.
Ang
Friday, October 22, 2010
Hi.
Big news - and I mean BIG! And just a fair warning - this is a full-on Jesus centric post. So if you're not into Jesus, well, read it anyway - you might get something from it.
Anywho, the big news is that I had an AWESOME experience last night. Josh and I had another counseling session with Pastor James and it was good. Really good. In the midst of the session we talked about how I've been really holding onto current circumstances and sort of getting embittered that God isn't just taking the crappy stuff away like the pins and needles. I've been really questioning a lot lately how can a God who loves me and wants the best for me just leave me with these pins and needles. As I was talking about this a dim light came on that maybe He's leaving me with these difficulties and struggles so that I'm more dependent on Him. Hmmm. It's possible. So as we went on and talked about this and where I'm at more I got pretty darn convicted that I REALLY need to repent on my crappy attitude in this. The truth is that God is good, He does love me, and His "Plan A" is the best plan for me. And His "Plan A" includes the pins and needles, obviously. And I'll get to ask Him "why" when I see Him face to face in heaven.
So before bed last night I started praying about this. I told God that what I want most is deeper relationship with Him and to be closer to Him and more dependent on Him. Mid prayer it became clear to me that my big E on the eye chart sin has really been worshipping comfort instead of God. So I asked for forgiveness on that and as I was apologizing to God that I've really just wanted comfort not what's best for me (Him) for a split second I tried to weave in the "explanation" of why I have the pins and needles and that's when He really spoke to me. He laid on my heart that what I really need is to increase my trust in Him and my faith. And so I was able to pray, "God, I trust you and whatever reason you have for giving me these pins and needles, I know it is what's best for me. Thank you for loving me and caring enough about me to put me in the best possible place. Thank you for these pins and needles because I trust you and know that they are what is best for me right now."
Anyways, it was BIG!!! And I feel so much different now! I feel like I can be grateful for even what is tough. Thank you, Jesus, for my pins and needles. Thank you for my muscle spasticity. Thank you for my imbalance and left-side weakness. Thank you. And thank you for being right here with me!
Wow.
Big.
Hope you're making leaps forward like I am.
Praise God!
Ang
Big news - and I mean BIG! And just a fair warning - this is a full-on Jesus centric post. So if you're not into Jesus, well, read it anyway - you might get something from it.
Anywho, the big news is that I had an AWESOME experience last night. Josh and I had another counseling session with Pastor James and it was good. Really good. In the midst of the session we talked about how I've been really holding onto current circumstances and sort of getting embittered that God isn't just taking the crappy stuff away like the pins and needles. I've been really questioning a lot lately how can a God who loves me and wants the best for me just leave me with these pins and needles. As I was talking about this a dim light came on that maybe He's leaving me with these difficulties and struggles so that I'm more dependent on Him. Hmmm. It's possible. So as we went on and talked about this and where I'm at more I got pretty darn convicted that I REALLY need to repent on my crappy attitude in this. The truth is that God is good, He does love me, and His "Plan A" is the best plan for me. And His "Plan A" includes the pins and needles, obviously. And I'll get to ask Him "why" when I see Him face to face in heaven.
So before bed last night I started praying about this. I told God that what I want most is deeper relationship with Him and to be closer to Him and more dependent on Him. Mid prayer it became clear to me that my big E on the eye chart sin has really been worshipping comfort instead of God. So I asked for forgiveness on that and as I was apologizing to God that I've really just wanted comfort not what's best for me (Him) for a split second I tried to weave in the "explanation" of why I have the pins and needles and that's when He really spoke to me. He laid on my heart that what I really need is to increase my trust in Him and my faith. And so I was able to pray, "God, I trust you and whatever reason you have for giving me these pins and needles, I know it is what's best for me. Thank you for loving me and caring enough about me to put me in the best possible place. Thank you for these pins and needles because I trust you and know that they are what is best for me right now."
Anyways, it was BIG!!! And I feel so much different now! I feel like I can be grateful for even what is tough. Thank you, Jesus, for my pins and needles. Thank you for my muscle spasticity. Thank you for my imbalance and left-side weakness. Thank you. And thank you for being right here with me!
Wow.
Big.
Hope you're making leaps forward like I am.
Praise God!
Ang
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Welcome back.
How have you been? Hopefully well. Life has been a little less than easy for me lately. The past few days I've really been feeling like I've been going in reverse in terms of recovery. Moving around has been tougher and my whole left side has really felt heavy and burdensome. Plus I've been having to go to bed really early and by "having to go to bed" I mean HAVING to go to bed. Like I just stop functioning. I can't keep my eyes open any more. It's been tough for me. Because I thought my stamina and energy levels were improving but it has been hard lately. I haven't even really been able to hang with my husband much lately. On work days when I get home I'm pretty done. And on non-work days just about the time he gets home I'm pretty done. And that just adds fuel to the "life is hard" fire. Because when I don't even get to spend time with him then I feel like a bad wife and all sorts of other lies along those lines creep up.
Needless to say life is hard right now in the Sweet household.
And then I do totally weird stuff sometimes too. Like I remember waking up last night and calling for Josh and then I couldn't tell him what I needed. I don't remember why I couldn't I just remember that I couldn't. And then I was asking him some weird questions that didn't make any sense when he asked if I wanted him to take my torture device splint off.
And cue the feeling like a crummy wife again. I cannot even imagine being married to me. Never a dull moment. Seems like a perpetual whirlwind of swirling needs and wants and dos and don'ts.
And then at church this morning was a sermon about mistrust. And it became abundantly clear to me that I don't trust God's timing. I think He's wrong. I just do not understand how this timing could possibly be what is best for me or have my best interest in mind. I feel like I have suffered long enough. I've had and continue to have pins and needles for over a year now. Come on, how can that possibly be best for me?!?!
I trust God that He is in control. And His "plan A" is what is best for me. I just really don't understand. And now I'm becoming aware of where I need to be in repentance for my wicked heart in acting like I am god. Surprise, surprise - I am not. Nor do I deserve to be. And I know in my heart of hearts that He is right here with me and carrying me through both the good days and the bad. Thank you Jesus!
So I know that my true north is still pointing north I just think I have some sin causing me to waver around. All in all I am having a hard time. God's "plan A" while being the best for me hurts like heck! And it's no fun to sit in hurt. But here I am. Prayer for quick and thorough repentance and for continuing to lean into God to carry me is much needed. Also some prayer for steadfastness and patience would be great too.
Thanks much.
Ang
How have you been? Hopefully well. Life has been a little less than easy for me lately. The past few days I've really been feeling like I've been going in reverse in terms of recovery. Moving around has been tougher and my whole left side has really felt heavy and burdensome. Plus I've been having to go to bed really early and by "having to go to bed" I mean HAVING to go to bed. Like I just stop functioning. I can't keep my eyes open any more. It's been tough for me. Because I thought my stamina and energy levels were improving but it has been hard lately. I haven't even really been able to hang with my husband much lately. On work days when I get home I'm pretty done. And on non-work days just about the time he gets home I'm pretty done. And that just adds fuel to the "life is hard" fire. Because when I don't even get to spend time with him then I feel like a bad wife and all sorts of other lies along those lines creep up.
Needless to say life is hard right now in the Sweet household.
And then I do totally weird stuff sometimes too. Like I remember waking up last night and calling for Josh and then I couldn't tell him what I needed. I don't remember why I couldn't I just remember that I couldn't. And then I was asking him some weird questions that didn't make any sense when he asked if I wanted him to take my torture device splint off.
And cue the feeling like a crummy wife again. I cannot even imagine being married to me. Never a dull moment. Seems like a perpetual whirlwind of swirling needs and wants and dos and don'ts.
And then at church this morning was a sermon about mistrust. And it became abundantly clear to me that I don't trust God's timing. I think He's wrong. I just do not understand how this timing could possibly be what is best for me or have my best interest in mind. I feel like I have suffered long enough. I've had and continue to have pins and needles for over a year now. Come on, how can that possibly be best for me?!?!
I trust God that He is in control. And His "plan A" is what is best for me. I just really don't understand. And now I'm becoming aware of where I need to be in repentance for my wicked heart in acting like I am god. Surprise, surprise - I am not. Nor do I deserve to be. And I know in my heart of hearts that He is right here with me and carrying me through both the good days and the bad. Thank you Jesus!
So I know that my true north is still pointing north I just think I have some sin causing me to waver around. All in all I am having a hard time. God's "plan A" while being the best for me hurts like heck! And it's no fun to sit in hurt. But here I am. Prayer for quick and thorough repentance and for continuing to lean into God to carry me is much needed. Also some prayer for steadfastness and patience would be great too.
Thanks much.
Ang
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Good Morning.
How you doin'? Hopefully well. I'm alright. Super excited because my mom gets home today from her cruise in the Black Sea. I have REALLY missed her! She'll probably be jet lagged and stay in bed all day tomorrow but a hug is no longer going to be separated by continents! Yeah!!!
And I had a weird "back to normal" experience day before yesterday. I went in for a massage and it is marked the difference between the sensitivity of my left and right sides. My right side is more "back to normal" ie. I'm ridiculously ticklish but my left side is totally fine. It's almost like it's de-sensitized. Weird. I'm no longer ticklish on my left side. Maybe it's the persistent pins and needles feeling. Who knows. And I don't even think it's worth asking the docs because I can hear the standard SWAG answer now, "That's just a result of the brain injury." For any of you who might not know SWAG is an acronym for "scientific wild ass guess". It seems to be a norm when it comes to docs and TBI.
And there was one more awesome "back to normal" experience yesterday too. Josh was relatively mercilessly messing with me last night. He kept joking and yanking my chain. While this in and of itself is not all that fun or desirable it was the first time he's really played with me like that since the accident. And it was welcomed! It was so nice to get to see him and his little smirk of satisfaction when he knows he got you. I have missed that! It just really makes me feel good because it shows that he must see me getting better enough that I'm no longer to be babied or handled with kid gloves. He can see that I can take it and it is possibly one of his spiritual gifts to dole it out. It's just really nice to see the physical signs of switches in his mind of how I'm doing. I no longer am viewed as fragile and just to be taken care of. Thanks, babe!
On that awesomely-awesome note I'm signing off.
Have a good day.
Ang
How you doin'? Hopefully well. I'm alright. Super excited because my mom gets home today from her cruise in the Black Sea. I have REALLY missed her! She'll probably be jet lagged and stay in bed all day tomorrow but a hug is no longer going to be separated by continents! Yeah!!!
And I had a weird "back to normal" experience day before yesterday. I went in for a massage and it is marked the difference between the sensitivity of my left and right sides. My right side is more "back to normal" ie. I'm ridiculously ticklish but my left side is totally fine. It's almost like it's de-sensitized. Weird. I'm no longer ticklish on my left side. Maybe it's the persistent pins and needles feeling. Who knows. And I don't even think it's worth asking the docs because I can hear the standard SWAG answer now, "That's just a result of the brain injury." For any of you who might not know SWAG is an acronym for "scientific wild ass guess". It seems to be a norm when it comes to docs and TBI.
And there was one more awesome "back to normal" experience yesterday too. Josh was relatively mercilessly messing with me last night. He kept joking and yanking my chain. While this in and of itself is not all that fun or desirable it was the first time he's really played with me like that since the accident. And it was welcomed! It was so nice to get to see him and his little smirk of satisfaction when he knows he got you. I have missed that! It just really makes me feel good because it shows that he must see me getting better enough that I'm no longer to be babied or handled with kid gloves. He can see that I can take it and it is possibly one of his spiritual gifts to dole it out. It's just really nice to see the physical signs of switches in his mind of how I'm doing. I no longer am viewed as fragile and just to be taken care of. Thanks, babe!
On that awesomely-awesome note I'm signing off.
Have a good day.
Ang
Friday, October 8, 2010
Hi.
Another real quick one. Not too much content, but enough to share.
Oh boy, I had the BEST night's sleep last night! It was incredible! So rejuvenating, restful, and regenerating. I feel like I woke up this morning a new woman! And I have a pretty good hunch as to why too. Last night was Josh's and my first biblical counseling session. I (and I think both of us) were pretty freaked out about it being really heavy and hard. The kind of thing where you fizzle out about half way through and then just sit around practically comatose for the rest of the night. I know, I get it, I can't really use the whole "comatose" figure of speech any more having actually been there. But you know what I mean, right?!?! Anywho, it was GREAT! We met with a pastor last night and instead of it being the big, ultra heavy cry-fest I was afraid of, we got a chance to really just talk and try to pick out and separate the truth from the lies. We got to start our "real bucket" where we put stuff like Jesus is God; He has taken up residence in us; He is the complete, not partial, fruit of the Spirit; we can hear Him; Josh wants to love and serve me; I appreciated Josh's love and service, and a few others. Honestly, if I had to pick one word to sum to sum up last night I would choose "hopeful". It was so nice to hear it laid out in plain black and white that God is in me and when Satan attacks me with lies he is attacking God. And that's not even a fight I have to stress over because that one has already been won by Jesus on the cross. Hallelujah!
And Josh got some good tidbits for him too. But, seeing as I am not at liberty to assume I can speak for me and this isn't his blog, you'll just have to call or email him if you want more details.
To sum it up, though, the whole thing felt really good. It felt very life giving! I am so glad we have Jesus! And we have such an awesome community to point us to Him and walk with us through this tough time. Praise God!
So prayers of thanksgiving are certainly in order. And prayers that we make some good headway toward Jesus and one another as we slog through our current situation.
Thanks for keeping up,
Ang
Another real quick one. Not too much content, but enough to share.
Oh boy, I had the BEST night's sleep last night! It was incredible! So rejuvenating, restful, and regenerating. I feel like I woke up this morning a new woman! And I have a pretty good hunch as to why too. Last night was Josh's and my first biblical counseling session. I (and I think both of us) were pretty freaked out about it being really heavy and hard. The kind of thing where you fizzle out about half way through and then just sit around practically comatose for the rest of the night. I know, I get it, I can't really use the whole "comatose" figure of speech any more having actually been there. But you know what I mean, right?!?! Anywho, it was GREAT! We met with a pastor last night and instead of it being the big, ultra heavy cry-fest I was afraid of, we got a chance to really just talk and try to pick out and separate the truth from the lies. We got to start our "real bucket" where we put stuff like Jesus is God; He has taken up residence in us; He is the complete, not partial, fruit of the Spirit; we can hear Him; Josh wants to love and serve me; I appreciated Josh's love and service, and a few others. Honestly, if I had to pick one word to sum to sum up last night I would choose "hopeful". It was so nice to hear it laid out in plain black and white that God is in me and when Satan attacks me with lies he is attacking God. And that's not even a fight I have to stress over because that one has already been won by Jesus on the cross. Hallelujah!
And Josh got some good tidbits for him too. But, seeing as I am not at liberty to assume I can speak for me and this isn't his blog, you'll just have to call or email him if you want more details.
To sum it up, though, the whole thing felt really good. It felt very life giving! I am so glad we have Jesus! And we have such an awesome community to point us to Him and walk with us through this tough time. Praise God!
So prayers of thanksgiving are certainly in order. And prayers that we make some good headway toward Jesus and one another as we slog through our current situation.
Thanks for keeping up,
Ang
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Hi there.
Just a quick tidbit - got official word from my PT that my appointments scheduled through the end of October will be it for us. WOW! Never thought that I'd actually see the day of a therapy coming to an end. Kinda neat. But it also means that my wonderful husband will step in as gestapo hounding me about getting my PT "homework" done. I'll be interested to see what my PT "homework" consists of. As of yesterday we agreed to have it include some e-stim. That's electronic stimulation for those of you who thankfully don't know the therapy lingo. So shocky-shocky here I come. It's so weird the ways you can see the effects of this brain injury. Like for example, the toes on my left foot don't want to pick up like the toes on my right foot. Try it - you can totally raise up your toes while leaving the rest of your foot flat on the ground. I can only do it on one side. Especially if I'm standing. I can sort of get my toes up if I'm sitting down but I've got nothing once I'm standing. Weird!
And I went and saw my vocational counselor yesterday and she and I agreed on me sticking with my current 3 days/week schedule at work at least until January. We'll meet towards the end of the year and see how my energy level is doing. Hopefully I'll be able to add Tuesdays then but we'll see. That whole having a life outside of work is sort of important too. Just a tad. You know, like being coherent with my husband when I get home from work and on the weekends. Details. In case you couldn't tell, that was me being sarcastic and joking around. Yes, believe it or not, despite my brain injury I am still prone to being a jokester. Sometimes now the jokes only make sense and are funny to me, but I'm still a jokester.
Ahhh, never a dull moment.
That's what I got.
Have a good one.
Ang
Just a quick tidbit - got official word from my PT that my appointments scheduled through the end of October will be it for us. WOW! Never thought that I'd actually see the day of a therapy coming to an end. Kinda neat. But it also means that my wonderful husband will step in as gestapo hounding me about getting my PT "homework" done. I'll be interested to see what my PT "homework" consists of. As of yesterday we agreed to have it include some e-stim. That's electronic stimulation for those of you who thankfully don't know the therapy lingo. So shocky-shocky here I come. It's so weird the ways you can see the effects of this brain injury. Like for example, the toes on my left foot don't want to pick up like the toes on my right foot. Try it - you can totally raise up your toes while leaving the rest of your foot flat on the ground. I can only do it on one side. Especially if I'm standing. I can sort of get my toes up if I'm sitting down but I've got nothing once I'm standing. Weird!
And I went and saw my vocational counselor yesterday and she and I agreed on me sticking with my current 3 days/week schedule at work at least until January. We'll meet towards the end of the year and see how my energy level is doing. Hopefully I'll be able to add Tuesdays then but we'll see. That whole having a life outside of work is sort of important too. Just a tad. You know, like being coherent with my husband when I get home from work and on the weekends. Details. In case you couldn't tell, that was me being sarcastic and joking around. Yes, believe it or not, despite my brain injury I am still prone to being a jokester. Sometimes now the jokes only make sense and are funny to me, but I'm still a jokester.
Ahhh, never a dull moment.
That's what I got.
Have a good one.
Ang
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hey there.
How's it going? It's going around here. I've been having a pretty tough time the past few days. Convenient timing though. I've just been feeling pretty weak and tired the past couple days. Especially my legs and feet and knees. And my hips a bit too. My left arm and leg have been feeling pretty heavy and labor some to move around. It was pretty ridiculous in yoga on Friday. I felt like a total failure. Like I was backsliding severely in recovery. I just could not get my leg to do what I wanted it to do. Instead of being able to pick up my foot and move it around I had to drag my foot along the floor. Bummer! :(
Anywho, the convenience of it all is that I have my next meeting with my vocational counselor Tuesday. She's my "back to work" lady that helps me ease back into working. I think this new found weakness will certainly help me to not try to convince her that I should really be rushing to up my work hours. I think it would be good for me to have some rest time in my schedule. Even if I don't have therapy appointments.
Speaking of therapies - that's another big ticket item lately. I just had an acupuncture treatment on Thursday and he told me that my next treatment will be my last from him. And when I was talking to my PT and my OT about scheduling November they both wanted to "wait a while". My PT says he might be done with me by the end of October and my OT said she is nearing the end of stuff she can work on with me too. My OT said that my primary issue now is the tightness and immobility in my shoulder girdle. Yeah, I know, girdle. Yuck! Sorry for the vocab sensitive out there who get disgusted by that word. I don't blame ya. Anyways, my OT has some other therapist in mind who might be better at helping me with that. But she doesn't normally see neuro (that means brain injured) patients. So she may not even be willing to take me on. We'll see.
Don't think I have much else. At least not about me.
We recently became aware of this guy who is connected to Josh through a coworker who suffered a pretty bad accident at the end of August. His name is Drew and he could really use some prayers. He and his lady friend go to Mars Hill. If you'd like to keep up with him and stay up-to-date on how to specifically pray for him, check out www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale.
As for prayers for me, feel free to keep em coming mostly for protection against pretty much constant onslaught from the enemy. And for patience with Josh. And for our upcoming counseling with one of the pastors at our church to be fruitful, beneficial, and uplifting.
Thanks.
Ang
How's it going? It's going around here. I've been having a pretty tough time the past few days. Convenient timing though. I've just been feeling pretty weak and tired the past couple days. Especially my legs and feet and knees. And my hips a bit too. My left arm and leg have been feeling pretty heavy and labor some to move around. It was pretty ridiculous in yoga on Friday. I felt like a total failure. Like I was backsliding severely in recovery. I just could not get my leg to do what I wanted it to do. Instead of being able to pick up my foot and move it around I had to drag my foot along the floor. Bummer! :(
Anywho, the convenience of it all is that I have my next meeting with my vocational counselor Tuesday. She's my "back to work" lady that helps me ease back into working. I think this new found weakness will certainly help me to not try to convince her that I should really be rushing to up my work hours. I think it would be good for me to have some rest time in my schedule. Even if I don't have therapy appointments.
Speaking of therapies - that's another big ticket item lately. I just had an acupuncture treatment on Thursday and he told me that my next treatment will be my last from him. And when I was talking to my PT and my OT about scheduling November they both wanted to "wait a while". My PT says he might be done with me by the end of October and my OT said she is nearing the end of stuff she can work on with me too. My OT said that my primary issue now is the tightness and immobility in my shoulder girdle. Yeah, I know, girdle. Yuck! Sorry for the vocab sensitive out there who get disgusted by that word. I don't blame ya. Anyways, my OT has some other therapist in mind who might be better at helping me with that. But she doesn't normally see neuro (that means brain injured) patients. So she may not even be willing to take me on. We'll see.
Don't think I have much else. At least not about me.
We recently became aware of this guy who is connected to Josh through a coworker who suffered a pretty bad accident at the end of August. His name is Drew and he could really use some prayers. He and his lady friend go to Mars Hill. If you'd like to keep up with him and stay up-to-date on how to specifically pray for him, check out www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale.
As for prayers for me, feel free to keep em coming mostly for protection against pretty much constant onslaught from the enemy. And for patience with Josh. And for our upcoming counseling with one of the pastors at our church to be fruitful, beneficial, and uplifting.
Thanks.
Ang
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Hey there.
Ah, yes - patience IS a virtue. Unfortunately, one that I am lacking.
I struggled and was sort of cranky yesterday with this whole botox thing while in PT and OT. Both therapists said they could feel a marked difference in the muscle tone but I was upset because I didn't feel any different. And this morning I do. I was doing my arm exercises in the gym this morning with weights and noticed a pretty marked difference. It is harder for me to hang on the weights while I do my exercises. One of my exercises is to do arm extensions up to about shoulder height with a 5lb weight. 3 sets of 10 is what I do. Thankfully, I've started using my 5lb wrist weight to help me stretch in yoga so I had it with me. I had to strap it on because I couldn't hold the 5lb weight for all three sets lifting the dumbbell up that high. And when I actually stopped to think about it, my left hand does feel a lot less spastic. It feels a lot looser and more pliable. Yeah!
I don't feel much difference in my foot but now that I've learned my lesson I'll just wait a little bit before coming to any conclusions.
The other weird thing I noticed this morning with my hand is that I am pretty much lacking now in grip strength. That's not true - it is just dramatically reduced. Especially pinch strength. I have OT again tomorrow and I'm going to try to get her to measure it so I have numbers to bolster my hunch. Goodness, I am SO data driven. I just LOVE the numbers! I know, I know - NERDY! Can't help it. It is what it is. Love it or keep it to yourself. It's just who I am.
And another thing that I think I forgot to mention on here - the other new difference I've noticed. Now when I do the grapevine - which, yes, I have to do often in therapy - I no longer catch my left foot on my right leg when I put my right foot in front of it. Could it be from neurofeedback? Who knows; but I'll take it!
And the whole neurofeedback thing is moving right along. Next two treatments I have Josh going with me and hopefully getting trained on how and where to put the sensors on my head. Then we're going to try to get a unit at home so I can do it three times a week. Maybe even for a couple years. Cool!
Let's see - that's about all the cool update-type stuff. I have some weird feeling-type stuff but I'll warn you now, if you don't dig that stuff just stop reading now.
For you update-only peeps, peace out.
For everyone else - welcome to my world of insanity. It's been pretty intense lately. I've been struggling a lot with guilt and what I believe to be lies and attacks from the enemy. I've been hearing the enemy loud and clear trying to convince me that I am ruining Josh's life. That he is sad and tired all the time because of me. That I only make things worse and make his life harder. Once in a while it even goes so far as to try to convince me that I should also feel bad that I am too chicken to just take care of it and either off myself or divorce him. These extremes are what really hits home for me that these are lies. But it's hard to hear anyways. And the attacks just seem to go on and on.
Had a pretty good and weepy ladies bible study on Monday night and talked through a lot of this. Then I went home and bawled to my husband about it some more. But at least now everybody knows exactly where I'm at. Part of the onslaught had been to just keep it to myself because sharing it just makes others suffer. Smart, huh?!?! If you're trying to get someone and really keep him (or her in this case) down it makes sense to have part of the whole ploy be to get him to isolate himself. He's smart, that one. And crafty. But also defeated. Thank you, Jesus!
So any prayers for protection and bolstering from the enemy would be much appreciated. Josh and I might even go talk to a pastor about it to try to get some more clout on our side. Never hurts.
Ok, so that's really about all I've got.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Ah, yes - patience IS a virtue. Unfortunately, one that I am lacking.
I struggled and was sort of cranky yesterday with this whole botox thing while in PT and OT. Both therapists said they could feel a marked difference in the muscle tone but I was upset because I didn't feel any different. And this morning I do. I was doing my arm exercises in the gym this morning with weights and noticed a pretty marked difference. It is harder for me to hang on the weights while I do my exercises. One of my exercises is to do arm extensions up to about shoulder height with a 5lb weight. 3 sets of 10 is what I do. Thankfully, I've started using my 5lb wrist weight to help me stretch in yoga so I had it with me. I had to strap it on because I couldn't hold the 5lb weight for all three sets lifting the dumbbell up that high. And when I actually stopped to think about it, my left hand does feel a lot less spastic. It feels a lot looser and more pliable. Yeah!
I don't feel much difference in my foot but now that I've learned my lesson I'll just wait a little bit before coming to any conclusions.
The other weird thing I noticed this morning with my hand is that I am pretty much lacking now in grip strength. That's not true - it is just dramatically reduced. Especially pinch strength. I have OT again tomorrow and I'm going to try to get her to measure it so I have numbers to bolster my hunch. Goodness, I am SO data driven. I just LOVE the numbers! I know, I know - NERDY! Can't help it. It is what it is. Love it or keep it to yourself. It's just who I am.
And another thing that I think I forgot to mention on here - the other new difference I've noticed. Now when I do the grapevine - which, yes, I have to do often in therapy - I no longer catch my left foot on my right leg when I put my right foot in front of it. Could it be from neurofeedback? Who knows; but I'll take it!
And the whole neurofeedback thing is moving right along. Next two treatments I have Josh going with me and hopefully getting trained on how and where to put the sensors on my head. Then we're going to try to get a unit at home so I can do it three times a week. Maybe even for a couple years. Cool!
Let's see - that's about all the cool update-type stuff. I have some weird feeling-type stuff but I'll warn you now, if you don't dig that stuff just stop reading now.
For you update-only peeps, peace out.
For everyone else - welcome to my world of insanity. It's been pretty intense lately. I've been struggling a lot with guilt and what I believe to be lies and attacks from the enemy. I've been hearing the enemy loud and clear trying to convince me that I am ruining Josh's life. That he is sad and tired all the time because of me. That I only make things worse and make his life harder. Once in a while it even goes so far as to try to convince me that I should also feel bad that I am too chicken to just take care of it and either off myself or divorce him. These extremes are what really hits home for me that these are lies. But it's hard to hear anyways. And the attacks just seem to go on and on.
Had a pretty good and weepy ladies bible study on Monday night and talked through a lot of this. Then I went home and bawled to my husband about it some more. But at least now everybody knows exactly where I'm at. Part of the onslaught had been to just keep it to myself because sharing it just makes others suffer. Smart, huh?!?! If you're trying to get someone and really keep him (or her in this case) down it makes sense to have part of the whole ploy be to get him to isolate himself. He's smart, that one. And crafty. But also defeated. Thank you, Jesus!
So any prayers for protection and bolstering from the enemy would be much appreciated. Josh and I might even go talk to a pastor about it to try to get some more clout on our side. Never hurts.
Ok, so that's really about all I've got.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Hola.
Holy Guacamole! I don't think I will EVER understand why ladies get botox by choice. It freakin' hurts! And I looked like a complete tattoo/piercing poser and cried. I got 11 shots total. 4 in my inner forearm on the left side, 1 in the meaty part of my left palm right at the base of my thumb, 2 in my left calf, and 4 just at the base of my toes on top of my left foot. If you were cringing as you read that it was completely appropriate. The most painful ones were in my palm and on the top of my foot. Yowza! And it's not even immediate gratification. I pretty much feel the same. I have noticed that when I sleep I often don't use my cucumber. My cucumber is a little foam padded thing that I usually hold in my left hand while I sleep. And it's green so it looks - well, like a cucumber to me. Hence it's name. And I noticed that when my hand does clench up it seems to be doing so differently because my fingernails aren't digging in to my palm anymore. So that's nice. The doc said that I should know if it's working in three or so days and it should have the maximum affect in one to two weeks. And then it should last 3 to 6 months. I'm thinking it must have some seriously profound effect or it is not worth getting all those shots again. We'll see.
Well, that's my botox update.
I do have to say - my left hand and foot are looking quite young and vibrant. :) It was pretty cute, when we went to breakfast with Josh's dad and step-mom yesterday his step-mom made the joke that I probably wouldn't be allowed in the bar because my hand and foot look so young. Hee hee hee. Pretty funny.
And one other big event - we officially booked our tickets. We are going to Alaska to be with my brother, his wife, and our Alaska niece and nephews for Christmas! Pretty exciting! And a little scary because my brother said we can expect it be somewhere between 30 degrees and 60 below. Yikes! But we're happy! It'll be my first time getting to use the note the doctors gave me about having plates implanted in my arm and face to get through security. That should be an adventure all it's own.
That's what I've got.
Have a good one.
Ang
Holy Guacamole! I don't think I will EVER understand why ladies get botox by choice. It freakin' hurts! And I looked like a complete tattoo/piercing poser and cried. I got 11 shots total. 4 in my inner forearm on the left side, 1 in the meaty part of my left palm right at the base of my thumb, 2 in my left calf, and 4 just at the base of my toes on top of my left foot. If you were cringing as you read that it was completely appropriate. The most painful ones were in my palm and on the top of my foot. Yowza! And it's not even immediate gratification. I pretty much feel the same. I have noticed that when I sleep I often don't use my cucumber. My cucumber is a little foam padded thing that I usually hold in my left hand while I sleep. And it's green so it looks - well, like a cucumber to me. Hence it's name. And I noticed that when my hand does clench up it seems to be doing so differently because my fingernails aren't digging in to my palm anymore. So that's nice. The doc said that I should know if it's working in three or so days and it should have the maximum affect in one to two weeks. And then it should last 3 to 6 months. I'm thinking it must have some seriously profound effect or it is not worth getting all those shots again. We'll see.
Well, that's my botox update.
I do have to say - my left hand and foot are looking quite young and vibrant. :) It was pretty cute, when we went to breakfast with Josh's dad and step-mom yesterday his step-mom made the joke that I probably wouldn't be allowed in the bar because my hand and foot look so young. Hee hee hee. Pretty funny.
And one other big event - we officially booked our tickets. We are going to Alaska to be with my brother, his wife, and our Alaska niece and nephews for Christmas! Pretty exciting! And a little scary because my brother said we can expect it be somewhere between 30 degrees and 60 below. Yikes! But we're happy! It'll be my first time getting to use the note the doctors gave me about having plates implanted in my arm and face to get through security. That should be an adventure all it's own.
That's what I've got.
Have a good one.
Ang
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Hi.
All is well here.
We had a great weekend last weekend! Took Dorothy (my sister) to Spokane to meet the fam. What fun! We got to have a really nice dinner out where an amazing number of family members all showed up to meet Dorothy. I think there was around 18 of us! It was AWESOME! We also got to visit Grandma's house and meet her tenant and we got to go to the assisted living place and visit Grandpa too. Plus we got to show Dorothy the family car lot and we stayed out at Victor and Suzette's. I don't think it could have gone any better. Perfect! It was really nice to see Dorothy connect with some of her cousins. She'll probably go back out and visit of her own accord in the future.
Ooooohhhh, and Dad helped Josh find another car. Yeah! Now I have the Outback all to myself and I can drive to work M, W, F. So nice!!! No more Metro for me. I actually get to work now about the same time I used to catch the bus. Driving takes at least 2 hours off my day. Oh so nice!!! Anywho, Josh got a Forester and Dad found us a great one.
The only thing looming on the horizon for me is that I get my first botox treatment in my left hand and left foot this Friday. I'm pretty freaked out to be honest but I get little sympathy. Not many out there who feel bad for me when I tell them I'm scared of needles with around 40 hours of tattoo work and a few piercings. But I am scared. I don't want it to hurt. And I really hope it works well for me. We'll see, I guess. But I did try typing again today on this blog entry to have a fresh reminder how hard it is for me. Then I'll really be able to tell the difference if the botox helps with that. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
That's pretty much what I've got.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
All is well here.
We had a great weekend last weekend! Took Dorothy (my sister) to Spokane to meet the fam. What fun! We got to have a really nice dinner out where an amazing number of family members all showed up to meet Dorothy. I think there was around 18 of us! It was AWESOME! We also got to visit Grandma's house and meet her tenant and we got to go to the assisted living place and visit Grandpa too. Plus we got to show Dorothy the family car lot and we stayed out at Victor and Suzette's. I don't think it could have gone any better. Perfect! It was really nice to see Dorothy connect with some of her cousins. She'll probably go back out and visit of her own accord in the future.
Ooooohhhh, and Dad helped Josh find another car. Yeah! Now I have the Outback all to myself and I can drive to work M, W, F. So nice!!! No more Metro for me. I actually get to work now about the same time I used to catch the bus. Driving takes at least 2 hours off my day. Oh so nice!!! Anywho, Josh got a Forester and Dad found us a great one.
The only thing looming on the horizon for me is that I get my first botox treatment in my left hand and left foot this Friday. I'm pretty freaked out to be honest but I get little sympathy. Not many out there who feel bad for me when I tell them I'm scared of needles with around 40 hours of tattoo work and a few piercings. But I am scared. I don't want it to hurt. And I really hope it works well for me. We'll see, I guess. But I did try typing again today on this blog entry to have a fresh reminder how hard it is for me. Then I'll really be able to tell the difference if the botox helps with that. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
That's pretty much what I've got.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Friday, September 17, 2010
Good morning.
Things are moving along over here. Had my second neurofeedback appointment yesterday and got my qEEG results. The qEEG was the initial brain map they did of how my brainwaves look all over. The report is all Hz this and Mhz that so it doesn't mean much to me. But the part of the report that does mean something is the recommendation part. Looks like I was recommended for 50 neurofeedback sessions working on a whole mess of different things. Lots if them deal with anxiety and irritability and then different visual and spatial processing stuff and motor functions too. The two sessions I've had so far are supposed to be focused on helping me manage my anxiety and irritability and visual processing. Last week I only made it about 24 minutes and then I was so sleepy I had to stop, but this time I made it the full 30 minutes and it didn't make me super sleepy. And, I'm sorry, I somehow forgot to report the HUGE success that came after last week's session. Only one neurofeedback treatment and I could tap my toes on the left side. Even last Thursday morning in PT, before the neurofeedback, I was trying with all my might and it was SUPER hard. I would really exert a lot of effort and they would maybe raise a centimeter off the floor. Post neurofeedback I can tap them regularly. They lift up just like the right toes do! COOL! A little weird but I'll take it!
And I officially got cleared that I do not need a root canal yesterday so that was good news. My sensation in one tooth is definitely reduced but I'm not going to argue and beg for a root canal. No way!
And big weekend on the horizon - we're taking my sister to Spokane to meet my dad's side of the family. I'm pretty excited. Get to see Gramma, Grampa, Uncle Victor's whole family, and hopefully more fam too. Should be good.
Well, that's pretty much what I've got.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Things are moving along over here. Had my second neurofeedback appointment yesterday and got my qEEG results. The qEEG was the initial brain map they did of how my brainwaves look all over. The report is all Hz this and Mhz that so it doesn't mean much to me. But the part of the report that does mean something is the recommendation part. Looks like I was recommended for 50 neurofeedback sessions working on a whole mess of different things. Lots if them deal with anxiety and irritability and then different visual and spatial processing stuff and motor functions too. The two sessions I've had so far are supposed to be focused on helping me manage my anxiety and irritability and visual processing. Last week I only made it about 24 minutes and then I was so sleepy I had to stop, but this time I made it the full 30 minutes and it didn't make me super sleepy. And, I'm sorry, I somehow forgot to report the HUGE success that came after last week's session. Only one neurofeedback treatment and I could tap my toes on the left side. Even last Thursday morning in PT, before the neurofeedback, I was trying with all my might and it was SUPER hard. I would really exert a lot of effort and they would maybe raise a centimeter off the floor. Post neurofeedback I can tap them regularly. They lift up just like the right toes do! COOL! A little weird but I'll take it!
And I officially got cleared that I do not need a root canal yesterday so that was good news. My sensation in one tooth is definitely reduced but I'm not going to argue and beg for a root canal. No way!
And big weekend on the horizon - we're taking my sister to Spokane to meet my dad's side of the family. I'm pretty excited. Get to see Gramma, Grampa, Uncle Victor's whole family, and hopefully more fam too. Should be good.
Well, that's pretty much what I've got.
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Monday, September 13, 2010
Hola.
How's it going? Going pretty well here. Had a pretty big darn success this morning. So I thought I might get on and share with y'all.
Anywho, in yoga this morning I made a switch. Rather than trying to be who I used to be and do what I used to be able to do I made the old switch-a-roo and accepted who I am now with a brain injury and stopped dangerously trying to do things the old way. We did pigeon today and I did it on the right side no problemo but when we were supposed to switch and do it on the left I did reverse pigeon instead of regular pigeon. Used to be that I fell into pigeon on the left and really freaked myself out and gave myself a good mind F-you-know-what. I just went forward and did what I could and didn't feel weird about it at all this morning. And, no, don't worry, Josh, this does not mean that I am giving up and accepting that I'll never do pigeon on the left again. It just means that where I'm at right now doesn't agree with pigeon on the left and rather than fighting that and freaking myself out a whole bunch I am adopting a work-around that doesn't scare me at all. And I think that is success! And I opted out of dolphin too. Instead of doing dolphin which really hurts my toes on my left foot I just went for a little downward facing dog. It was great! And I didn't freak out or get really scared or feel stupid or inadequate at all! Yesssssssssss!
And there was further success last night with Josh. We took some time and did some hard work on us. Took lots of energy but we had a really good talk about where we're at and where we're going. And I feel VERY comforted by the outcome! I don't know what I did to merit such an amazing husband but it must've been good! Joshua is one hell of a guy! And so is Jesus for working such amazing miracles in Josh! It is so funny how Josh's actions and attitudes through this whole adventure had to be directly from God. No confusion, downright miraculous the attitude and dedication has had toward me. He is my biggest supporter and pushes me to get as far as I can. He has been SO patient, loving, accepting, dedicated, patient, understanding, compassionate, caring, generous, helpful, encouraging, did I say patient?, and so much more. Thank you, Meow!
And completely non-important in comparison, we got new furniture this weekend too. We braved IKEA and got a new loveseat, chair, and ottoman. And then we got a chest as a coffee table from Pier 1, and some throw pillows from Target. Fantastical! Our couch is finally comfy and that's saying something! If you're in the neighborhood buzz up and if we're home we'll have you up to show you the new living room prizes. Best part is that cats are still afraid of the new stuff. They won't get on the couch or chair as of yet. Oh darn! Or not. I'm sure it's short-lived but I'll enjoy it while it's going on.
That's about all I've got.
Any questions?
Talk at ya later.
Ang
How's it going? Going pretty well here. Had a pretty big darn success this morning. So I thought I might get on and share with y'all.
Anywho, in yoga this morning I made a switch. Rather than trying to be who I used to be and do what I used to be able to do I made the old switch-a-roo and accepted who I am now with a brain injury and stopped dangerously trying to do things the old way. We did pigeon today and I did it on the right side no problemo but when we were supposed to switch and do it on the left I did reverse pigeon instead of regular pigeon. Used to be that I fell into pigeon on the left and really freaked myself out and gave myself a good mind F-you-know-what. I just went forward and did what I could and didn't feel weird about it at all this morning. And, no, don't worry, Josh, this does not mean that I am giving up and accepting that I'll never do pigeon on the left again. It just means that where I'm at right now doesn't agree with pigeon on the left and rather than fighting that and freaking myself out a whole bunch I am adopting a work-around that doesn't scare me at all. And I think that is success! And I opted out of dolphin too. Instead of doing dolphin which really hurts my toes on my left foot I just went for a little downward facing dog. It was great! And I didn't freak out or get really scared or feel stupid or inadequate at all! Yesssssssssss!
And there was further success last night with Josh. We took some time and did some hard work on us. Took lots of energy but we had a really good talk about where we're at and where we're going. And I feel VERY comforted by the outcome! I don't know what I did to merit such an amazing husband but it must've been good! Joshua is one hell of a guy! And so is Jesus for working such amazing miracles in Josh! It is so funny how Josh's actions and attitudes through this whole adventure had to be directly from God. No confusion, downright miraculous the attitude and dedication has had toward me. He is my biggest supporter and pushes me to get as far as I can. He has been SO patient, loving, accepting, dedicated, patient, understanding, compassionate, caring, generous, helpful, encouraging, did I say patient?, and so much more. Thank you, Meow!
And completely non-important in comparison, we got new furniture this weekend too. We braved IKEA and got a new loveseat, chair, and ottoman. And then we got a chest as a coffee table from Pier 1, and some throw pillows from Target. Fantastical! Our couch is finally comfy and that's saying something! If you're in the neighborhood buzz up and if we're home we'll have you up to show you the new living room prizes. Best part is that cats are still afraid of the new stuff. They won't get on the couch or chair as of yet. Oh darn! Or not. I'm sure it's short-lived but I'll enjoy it while it's going on.
That's about all I've got.
Any questions?
Talk at ya later.
Ang
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Hey there.
It's been a crazy week. Good, but sorta crazy. It was a VERY nice break to have an extended weekend. Especially since Josh took Tuesday off too so we got to just hang another day. Including a nice lunch with his Madre.
Monday was interesting. Went in and helped out at work for a few hours. Then went to the gym at home in the afternoon and tried to do my arm exercises. Smallest weights they have are 5lb so I couldn't do my wussy chest press or my scapula exercises. I usually do those with 2.5lb weights. So I did the assisted pull up machine to try to make up for my missed exercises. WOW! Was I sore Tuesday! Felt roughly like I'd been severely beaten in the lats for a few hours. Whew!
So, in my infinite wisdom, I listened carefully to my body and got back up on the machine and did them again on Wednesday. And I'm not nearly as sore today. Oh, I'm still sore, jut not AS sore. But it was kind of nice to have severe muscle pain from working out. Haven't had that in a while. Makes me feel that much closer "back to normal".
Then today I drove myself to Harborview for PT and OT this morning. Pretty good therapy today. OT was spent gardening with my therapist. We got to inaugurate the new therapy raised beds at Harborview. I was the first patient to get my hands dirty there and I helped plant six plants. Then I got a bunch of new exercises to do in PT. One of which is standing just on my left leg and then trying to raise myself up to be standing on my left toes. Hard! And so easy on the right side! I also got assigned practicing toe taps. So if you see me around and want to get down and dirty therapy-wise with me, do some toe taps with me. Then you'll also become keenly aware of some of my limitations from my brain injury. It's scary how pronounced the effects of the brain injury are in things as small and seemingly trivial as toe taps.
After Harborview this morning I had my first neurofeedback appointment this afternoon. It was interesting. I went in and got some sensors attached to my head and then the doc set up what he wanted those areas of my brain to do and I sat in this really comfy chair and played this solar system computer game with my brain. He started it up and said that it is all subconscious. So I didn't have to TRY and do anything. The game went such that a planet appeared and then it would replicate over and over. Once there were 10 planets they would combine to make a galaxy and you'd start over. It also beeped when I was doing what the doc wanted with my brain and the planets kept moving. When the planets paused it was because my brain wasn't doing what the doc wanted. Weird. But at the end of the session, marked by me getting really sleepy, the doc showed me some graphs of what my brain had been doing. There were two lines, a green one and a blue one and the graph started with the blue one on top and the green one below. The doc explained that what we were aiming for was for those to switch - for the green one to be higher and the blue one to be lower. And that's just how they were at the end of the graph. They kind of gradually got there over the course of the graph with little blips here and there on the way. So my brain was learning and doing exactly what we wanted it to. So that's good. The whole thing was pretty surreal. And it made me really tired. I almost fell asleep sitting right there. Onward - we'll see what next week brings.
That's pretty much what I've got.
Talk at y'all later.
Ang
It's been a crazy week. Good, but sorta crazy. It was a VERY nice break to have an extended weekend. Especially since Josh took Tuesday off too so we got to just hang another day. Including a nice lunch with his Madre.
Monday was interesting. Went in and helped out at work for a few hours. Then went to the gym at home in the afternoon and tried to do my arm exercises. Smallest weights they have are 5lb so I couldn't do my wussy chest press or my scapula exercises. I usually do those with 2.5lb weights. So I did the assisted pull up machine to try to make up for my missed exercises. WOW! Was I sore Tuesday! Felt roughly like I'd been severely beaten in the lats for a few hours. Whew!
So, in my infinite wisdom, I listened carefully to my body and got back up on the machine and did them again on Wednesday. And I'm not nearly as sore today. Oh, I'm still sore, jut not AS sore. But it was kind of nice to have severe muscle pain from working out. Haven't had that in a while. Makes me feel that much closer "back to normal".
Then today I drove myself to Harborview for PT and OT this morning. Pretty good therapy today. OT was spent gardening with my therapist. We got to inaugurate the new therapy raised beds at Harborview. I was the first patient to get my hands dirty there and I helped plant six plants. Then I got a bunch of new exercises to do in PT. One of which is standing just on my left leg and then trying to raise myself up to be standing on my left toes. Hard! And so easy on the right side! I also got assigned practicing toe taps. So if you see me around and want to get down and dirty therapy-wise with me, do some toe taps with me. Then you'll also become keenly aware of some of my limitations from my brain injury. It's scary how pronounced the effects of the brain injury are in things as small and seemingly trivial as toe taps.
After Harborview this morning I had my first neurofeedback appointment this afternoon. It was interesting. I went in and got some sensors attached to my head and then the doc set up what he wanted those areas of my brain to do and I sat in this really comfy chair and played this solar system computer game with my brain. He started it up and said that it is all subconscious. So I didn't have to TRY and do anything. The game went such that a planet appeared and then it would replicate over and over. Once there were 10 planets they would combine to make a galaxy and you'd start over. It also beeped when I was doing what the doc wanted with my brain and the planets kept moving. When the planets paused it was because my brain wasn't doing what the doc wanted. Weird. But at the end of the session, marked by me getting really sleepy, the doc showed me some graphs of what my brain had been doing. There were two lines, a green one and a blue one and the graph started with the blue one on top and the green one below. The doc explained that what we were aiming for was for those to switch - for the green one to be higher and the blue one to be lower. And that's just how they were at the end of the graph. They kind of gradually got there over the course of the graph with little blips here and there on the way. So my brain was learning and doing exactly what we wanted it to. So that's good. The whole thing was pretty surreal. And it made me really tired. I almost fell asleep sitting right there. Onward - we'll see what next week brings.
That's pretty much what I've got.
Talk at y'all later.
Ang
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Hi.
Things are going pretty well here. It's nice to have a weekend of relaxation and down time, that's for sure. And it all started off so nicely with a great dinner date with Josh's parents on Friday. Yum - Angelo's pizza! We had a really nice visit with them and enjoyed their company immensely. It was grand!
And then we took the car in to get loved on yesterday and we're doing birthday stuff with our nephew today. Should be great! And I'm going to work just a few hours tomorrow and then Josh took Tuesday off so we get to hang a whole extra day! Should be splendid!
I think one of the most enlightening parts of our soiree on Friday was talking with Burt and Marty and having them tell me how they have seen and noticed a really marked improvement in my speech lately. Pretty neat! And really nice feedback to get. I don't know if it's my actual speech so much as it has been a pretty solid improvement in my vocabulary, cadence, and delivery of speech. They said it's like talking to me before the accident. Awesome! Really great to get info from others that point to those kinds of successes! I can't pick up on that stuff on my own. So it was VERY nice to hear.
Don't have much else. Been feeling VERY blessed lately that I've been in pretty good spirits. Haven't had a "down" day in a while. Yeah! Thank you, Jesus!
Hope you're all well too.
Talk at ya soon,
Ang
Things are going pretty well here. It's nice to have a weekend of relaxation and down time, that's for sure. And it all started off so nicely with a great dinner date with Josh's parents on Friday. Yum - Angelo's pizza! We had a really nice visit with them and enjoyed their company immensely. It was grand!
And then we took the car in to get loved on yesterday and we're doing birthday stuff with our nephew today. Should be great! And I'm going to work just a few hours tomorrow and then Josh took Tuesday off so we get to hang a whole extra day! Should be splendid!
I think one of the most enlightening parts of our soiree on Friday was talking with Burt and Marty and having them tell me how they have seen and noticed a really marked improvement in my speech lately. Pretty neat! And really nice feedback to get. I don't know if it's my actual speech so much as it has been a pretty solid improvement in my vocabulary, cadence, and delivery of speech. They said it's like talking to me before the accident. Awesome! Really great to get info from others that point to those kinds of successes! I can't pick up on that stuff on my own. So it was VERY nice to hear.
Don't have much else. Been feeling VERY blessed lately that I've been in pretty good spirits. Haven't had a "down" day in a while. Yeah! Thank you, Jesus!
Hope you're all well too.
Talk at ya soon,
Ang
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)