Hi.

Big news - and I mean BIG! And just a fair warning - this is a full-on Jesus centric post. So if you're not into Jesus, well, read it anyway - you might get something from it.

Anywho, the big news is that I had an AWESOME experience last night. Josh and I had another counseling session with Pastor James and it was good. Really good. In the midst of the session we talked about how I've been really holding onto current circumstances and sort of getting embittered that God isn't just taking the crappy stuff away like the pins and needles. I've been really questioning a lot lately how can a God who loves me and wants the best for me just leave me with these pins and needles. As I was talking about this a dim light came on that maybe He's leaving me with these difficulties and struggles so that I'm more dependent on Him. Hmmm. It's possible. So as we went on and talked about this and where I'm at more I got pretty darn convicted that I REALLY need to repent on my crappy attitude in this. The truth is that God is good, He does love me, and His "Plan A" is the best plan for me. And His "Plan A" includes the pins and needles, obviously. And I'll get to ask Him "why" when I see Him face to face in heaven.

So before bed last night I started praying about this. I told God that what I want most is deeper relationship with Him and to be closer to Him and more dependent on Him. Mid prayer it became clear to me that my big E on the eye chart sin has really been worshipping comfort instead of God. So I asked for forgiveness on that and as I was apologizing to God that I've really just wanted comfort not what's best for me (Him) for a split second I tried to weave in the "explanation" of why I have the pins and needles and that's when He really spoke to me. He laid on my heart that what I really need is to increase my trust in Him and my faith. And so I was able to pray, "God, I trust you and whatever reason you have for giving me these pins and needles, I know it is what's best for me. Thank you for loving me and caring enough about me to put me in the best possible place. Thank you for these pins and needles because I trust you and know that they are what is best for me right now."

Anyways, it was BIG!!! And I feel so much different now! I feel like I can be grateful for even what is tough. Thank you, Jesus, for my pins and needles. Thank you for my muscle spasticity. Thank you for my imbalance and left-side weakness. Thank you. And thank you for being right here with me!

Wow.

Big.

Hope you're making leaps forward like I am.

Praise God!

Ang

Welcome back.

How have you been? Hopefully well. Life has been a little less than easy for me lately. The past few days I've really been feeling like I've been going in reverse in terms of recovery. Moving around has been tougher and my whole left side has really felt heavy and burdensome. Plus I've been having to go to bed really early and by "having to go to bed" I mean HAVING to go to bed. Like I just stop functioning. I can't keep my eyes open any more. It's been tough for me. Because I thought my stamina and energy levels were improving but it has been hard lately. I haven't even really been able to hang with my husband much lately. On work days when I get home I'm pretty done. And on non-work days just about the time he gets home I'm pretty done. And that just adds fuel to the "life is hard" fire. Because when I don't even get to spend time with him then I feel like a bad wife and all sorts of other lies along those lines creep up.

Needless to say life is hard right now in the Sweet household.

And then I do totally weird stuff sometimes too. Like I remember waking up last night and calling for Josh and then I couldn't tell him what I needed. I don't remember why I couldn't I just remember that I couldn't. And then I was asking him some weird questions that didn't make any sense when he asked if I wanted him to take my torture device splint off.

And cue the feeling like a crummy wife again. I cannot even imagine being married to me. Never a dull moment. Seems like a perpetual whirlwind of swirling needs and wants and dos and don'ts.

And then at church this morning was a sermon about mistrust. And it became abundantly clear to me that I don't trust God's timing. I think He's wrong. I just do not understand how this timing could possibly be what is best for me or have my best interest in mind. I feel like I have suffered long enough. I've had and continue to have pins and needles for over a year now. Come on, how can that possibly be best for me?!?!

I trust God that He is in control. And His "plan A" is what is best for me. I just really don't understand. And now I'm becoming aware of where I need to be in repentance for my wicked heart in acting like I am god. Surprise, surprise - I am not. Nor do I deserve to be. And I know in my heart of hearts that He is right here with me and carrying me through both the good days and the bad. Thank you Jesus!

So I know that my true north is still pointing north I just think I have some sin causing me to waver around. All in all I am having a hard time. God's "plan A" while being the best for me hurts like heck! And it's no fun to sit in hurt. But here I am. Prayer for quick and thorough repentance and for continuing to lean into God to carry me is much needed. Also some prayer for steadfastness and patience would be great too.

Thanks much.

Ang

Good Morning.

How you doin'? Hopefully well. I'm alright. Super excited because my mom gets home today from her cruise in the Black Sea. I have REALLY missed her! She'll probably be jet lagged and stay in bed all day tomorrow but a hug is no longer going to be separated by continents! Yeah!!!

And I had a weird "back to normal" experience day before yesterday. I went in for a massage and it is marked the difference between the sensitivity of my left and right sides. My right side is more "back to normal" ie. I'm ridiculously ticklish but my left side is totally fine. It's almost like it's de-sensitized. Weird. I'm no longer ticklish on my left side. Maybe it's the persistent pins and needles feeling. Who knows. And I don't even think it's worth asking the docs because I can hear the standard SWAG answer now, "That's just a result of the brain injury." For any of you who might not know SWAG is an acronym for "scientific wild ass guess". It seems to be a norm when it comes to docs and TBI.

And there was one more awesome "back to normal" experience yesterday too. Josh was relatively mercilessly messing with me last night. He kept joking and yanking my chain. While this in and of itself is not all that fun or desirable it was the first time he's really played with me like that since the accident. And it was welcomed! It was so nice to get to see him and his little smirk of satisfaction when he knows he got you. I have missed that! It just really makes me feel good because it shows that he must see me getting better enough that I'm no longer to be babied or handled with kid gloves. He can see that I can take it and it is possibly one of his spiritual gifts to dole it out. It's just really nice to see the physical signs of switches in his mind of how I'm doing. I no longer am viewed as fragile and just to be taken care of. Thanks, babe!

On that awesomely-awesome note I'm signing off.

Have a good day.

Ang

Hi.

Another real quick one. Not too much content, but enough to share.

Oh boy, I had the BEST night's sleep last night! It was incredible! So rejuvenating, restful, and regenerating. I feel like I woke up this morning a new woman! And I have a pretty good hunch as to why too. Last night was Josh's and my first biblical counseling session. I (and I think both of us) were pretty freaked out about it being really heavy and hard. The kind of thing where you fizzle out about half way through and then just sit around practically comatose for the rest of the night. I know, I get it, I can't really use the whole "comatose" figure of speech any more having actually been there. But you know what I mean, right?!?! Anywho, it was GREAT! We met with a pastor last night and instead of it being the big, ultra heavy cry-fest I was afraid of, we got a chance to really just talk and try to pick out and separate the truth from the lies. We got to start our "real bucket" where we put stuff like Jesus is God; He has taken up residence in us; He is the complete, not partial, fruit of the Spirit; we can hear Him; Josh wants to love and serve me; I appreciated Josh's love and service, and a few others. Honestly, if I had to pick one word to sum to sum up last night I would choose "hopeful". It was so nice to hear it laid out in plain black and white that God is in me and when Satan attacks me with lies he is attacking God. And that's not even a fight I have to stress over because that one has already been won by Jesus on the cross. Hallelujah!

And Josh got some good tidbits for him too. But, seeing as I am not at liberty to assume I can speak for me and this isn't his blog, you'll just have to call or email him if you want more details.

To sum it up, though, the whole thing felt really good. It felt very life giving! I am so glad we have Jesus! And we have such an awesome community to point us to Him and walk with us through this tough time. Praise God!

So prayers of thanksgiving are certainly in order. And prayers that we make some good headway toward Jesus and one another as we slog through our current situation.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

Hi there.

Just a quick tidbit - got official word from my PT that my appointments scheduled through the end of October will be it for us. WOW! Never thought that I'd actually see the day of a therapy coming to an end. Kinda neat. But it also means that my wonderful husband will step in as gestapo hounding me about getting my PT "homework" done. I'll be interested to see what my PT "homework" consists of. As of yesterday we agreed to have it include some e-stim. That's electronic stimulation for those of you who thankfully don't know the therapy lingo. So shocky-shocky here I come. It's so weird the ways you can see the effects of this brain injury. Like for example, the toes on my left foot don't want to pick up like the toes on my right foot. Try it - you can totally raise up your toes while leaving the rest of your foot flat on the ground. I can only do it on one side. Especially if I'm standing. I can sort of get my toes up if I'm sitting down but I've got nothing once I'm standing. Weird!

And I went and saw my vocational counselor yesterday and she and I agreed on me sticking with my current 3 days/week schedule at work at least until January. We'll meet towards the end of the year and see how my energy level is doing. Hopefully I'll be able to add Tuesdays then but we'll see. That whole having a life outside of work is sort of important too. Just a tad. You know, like being coherent with my husband when I get home from work and on the weekends. Details. In case you couldn't tell, that was me being sarcastic and joking around. Yes, believe it or not, despite my brain injury I am still prone to being a jokester. Sometimes now the jokes only make sense and are funny to me, but I'm still a jokester.

Ahhh, never a dull moment.

That's what I got.

Have a good one.

Ang

Hey there.

How's it going? It's going around here. I've been having a pretty tough time the past few days. Convenient timing though. I've just been feeling pretty weak and tired the past couple days. Especially my legs and feet and knees. And my hips a bit too. My left arm and leg have been feeling pretty heavy and labor some to move around. It was pretty ridiculous in yoga on Friday. I felt like a total failure. Like I was backsliding severely in recovery. I just could not get my leg to do what I wanted it to do. Instead of being able to pick up my foot and move it around I had to drag my foot along the floor. Bummer! :(

Anywho, the convenience of it all is that I have my next meeting with my vocational counselor Tuesday. She's my "back to work" lady that helps me ease back into working. I think this new found weakness will certainly help me to not try to convince her that I should really be rushing to up my work hours. I think it would be good for me to have some rest time in my schedule. Even if I don't have therapy appointments.

Speaking of therapies - that's another big ticket item lately. I just had an acupuncture treatment on Thursday and he told me that my next treatment will be my last from him. And when I was talking to my PT and my OT about scheduling November they both wanted to "wait a while". My PT says he might be done with me by the end of October and my OT said she is nearing the end of stuff she can work on with me too. My OT said that my primary issue now is the tightness and immobility in my shoulder girdle. Yeah, I know, girdle. Yuck! Sorry for the vocab sensitive out there who get disgusted by that word. I don't blame ya. Anyways, my OT has some other therapist in mind who might be better at helping me with that. But she doesn't normally see neuro (that means brain injured) patients. So she may not even be willing to take me on. We'll see.

Don't think I have much else. At least not about me.

We recently became aware of this guy who is connected to Josh through a coworker who suffered a pretty bad accident at the end of August. His name is Drew and he could really use some prayers. He and his lady friend go to Mars Hill. If you'd like to keep up with him and stay up-to-date on how to specifically pray for him, check out www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale.

As for prayers for me, feel free to keep em coming mostly for protection against pretty much constant onslaught from the enemy. And for patience with Josh. And for our upcoming counseling with one of the pastors at our church to be fruitful, beneficial, and uplifting.

Thanks.

Ang

Hey there.

Ah, yes - patience IS a virtue. Unfortunately, one that I am lacking.

I struggled and was sort of cranky yesterday with this whole botox thing while in PT and OT. Both therapists said they could feel a marked difference in the muscle tone but I was upset because I didn't feel any different. And this morning I do. I was doing my arm exercises in the gym this morning with weights and noticed a pretty marked difference. It is harder for me to hang on the weights while I do my exercises. One of my exercises is to do arm extensions up to about shoulder height with a 5lb weight. 3 sets of 10 is what I do. Thankfully, I've started using my 5lb wrist weight to help me stretch in yoga so I had it with me. I had to strap it on because I couldn't hold the 5lb weight for all three sets lifting the dumbbell up that high. And when I actually stopped to think about it, my left hand does feel a lot less spastic. It feels a lot looser and more pliable. Yeah!

I don't feel much difference in my foot but now that I've learned my lesson I'll just wait a little bit before coming to any conclusions.

The other weird thing I noticed this morning with my hand is that I am pretty much lacking now in grip strength. That's not true - it is just dramatically reduced. Especially pinch strength. I have OT again tomorrow and I'm going to try to get her to measure it so I have numbers to bolster my hunch. Goodness, I am SO data driven. I just LOVE the numbers! I know, I know - NERDY! Can't help it. It is what it is. Love it or keep it to yourself. It's just who I am.

And another thing that I think I forgot to mention on here - the other new difference I've noticed. Now when I do the grapevine - which, yes, I have to do often in therapy - I no longer catch my left foot on my right leg when I put my right foot in front of it. Could it be from neurofeedback? Who knows; but I'll take it!

And the whole neurofeedback thing is moving right along. Next two treatments I have Josh going with me and hopefully getting trained on how and where to put the sensors on my head. Then we're going to try to get a unit at home so I can do it three times a week. Maybe even for a couple years. Cool!

Let's see - that's about all the cool update-type stuff. I have some weird feeling-type stuff but I'll warn you now, if you don't dig that stuff just stop reading now.

For you update-only peeps, peace out.

For everyone else - welcome to my world of insanity. It's been pretty intense lately. I've been struggling a lot with guilt and what I believe to be lies and attacks from the enemy. I've been hearing the enemy loud and clear trying to convince me that I am ruining Josh's life. That he is sad and tired all the time because of me. That I only make things worse and make his life harder. Once in a while it even goes so far as to try to convince me that I should also feel bad that I am too chicken to just take care of it and either off myself or divorce him. These extremes are what really hits home for me that these are lies. But it's hard to hear anyways. And the attacks just seem to go on and on.

Had a pretty good and weepy ladies bible study on Monday night and talked through a lot of this. Then I went home and bawled to my husband about it some more. But at least now everybody knows exactly where I'm at. Part of the onslaught had been to just keep it to myself because sharing it just makes others suffer. Smart, huh?!?! If you're trying to get someone and really keep him (or her in this case) down it makes sense to have part of the whole ploy be to get him to isolate himself. He's smart, that one. And crafty. But also defeated. Thank you, Jesus!

So any prayers for protection and bolstering from the enemy would be much appreciated. Josh and I might even go talk to a pastor about it to try to get some more clout on our side. Never hurts.

Ok, so that's really about all I've got.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Talk at ya later.

Ang