Boy, I sure have been having a hard time lately. I've been struggling pretty mightily with - well with just about everything. Today I feel like I've been crying on and off all day. I've been struggling with feeling like everyone I know and love is sad because of my circumstances and no matter how hard I work I just can't seem to be okay or get better. Pretty sucky - that's for sure. I used to be able to make my husband feel better when he was sad and now I just feel like I make him sadder. And if I'm not doing that I feel like I'm busy being sad myself which just makes him more sad. I talked with him about it and he tries to reassure me that we are in this together and that he'll stand by me. But nevertheless I just cry more and make him more sad.
Earlier this week I was having a pretty hard struggle with how I feel like I look. I don't feel pretty any more because the left side of my face feels frozen from the paralysis I woke up from my coma with. I know it doesn't look saggy but it feels like it does. That's been pretty tough too.
And today I had a whole new struggle - am I not feeling okay because I lack faith??? Do I just not trust God enough??? I don't think that's it. Honestly, I think that's the enemy but it is still a hard question. I certainly don't feel okay and that is no fun at all. I feel sad, and mad, and scared. I just wish I was okay. I wish this wasn't so hard. And I wish it wasn't taking so long to get better. I am tired. Though I am a long way from giving up. I still have some fight left in me - that's for sure. We'll see how long it lasts and how far it takes me. Hopefully all the way to better. I'm pretty optimistic about that. I was never any good at giving up.
Wow - happier? I can't imagine so. But thanks for hanging in there with me. God knows I need it right now.
Happy New Year. Won't take much for 2010 to be a lot better than 2009. Hope it's all you want it to be too.
Ang
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Background Story
On Tuesday, August 18, 2009, while riding her bicycle to work, Angela was in an accident. Details of how the accident happened are still unclear and the West Seattle Police Dept. is investigating.
Ang was rushed to Harborview and was quickly admitted into the ICU where she has received excellent care from the many doctors and nurses attending her multiple injuries.
This blog is dedicated to keep friends and family updated about the continuing recovery and healing of Angela.
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Guestbook Archive
Angela updates originally appeared on a website called Caring Bridge. During this time, visitors could leave comments, greetings, and encouragement in an online guestbook. We migrated to this blog after Angela was discharged from the hospital in November, 2009. All of the updates have been reproduced, and all original guestbook entries have been compiled in a single PDF.
Hey Ang,
ReplyDeleteLaurie Walker here. I have been reading your blog regularly and wanted to check in. I've been looking for your personal e-mail so I don't have to say everything on here. . . I'll keep looking!
After tonight's post though I had to stop and let you know that I can understand your hesitancy or lack of faith (to some extent). While this year hasn't been the same kind of hard year for us as it has for you, it's been a bit harder than most and with all the things that have happened to people I love (you included) I have started questioning what I believe.
However, I know I just have to hold true to knowing there is a plan that's supposed to come through, even if we don't undestand it. AT ALL!!!
I would love to come visit and chat with you. I don't know if you and Josh are going to be around this Sunday after church, or another evening this week after I work, but I'd love to see you. Let me know when you are available.
Love,
Laurie Walker
Oh dearest, You are so precious, simply precious!! Be encouraged, Jesus is encouraging us through your wrestlings. He is your santuary. May you be overcome with peace that passes understanding and joy that knows no bounds in HIM!! Oh and Indi is dying to see your arm. Josh already told me to tell him if he gets outta line in Children's Ministry when you are back you can thump him upside the head with your bionic arm. He was VERY impressed!! Tremendous amounts of loves, The EASTERS, Beth, Jeremiah and offspring
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