Hey there,

Happy Halloween! Hope it's a fun day for you all and especially for your kiddos who are about to get jacked up on candy and make your lives as miserable as they can. Oh joy - the excitement of the beginning of the holidays!

I really don't have much right now. My head has sort of been in the dumps lately but I guess that is just sort of par for the course. I finally got low enough yesterday that I committed to calling the happy-clappy TBI shrink at Harborview and making an appointment. Just have some nasties to slog through and I think I need some help. Despite the aforementioned title I really like the haapy-clappy TBI shrink. He's great. He's not all sugar-coated or oh-this or oh-that, he's pretty down to business but gentle and a good listener. I'm hoping he can be helpful with managing this poo pile I'm living in right now. It is kind of weird though. My mom's take on where I'm at is sort of hopeful. She thinks that maybe now that I'm now starting to plateau a little bit in my physical recovery I have the energy needed to really start my emotional recovery. Makes sense. I don't think I had the energy to deal with this head stuff while I was working SO hard learning to walk again or learning how to take care of myself again. Now that I don't have to work so hard at that stuff, maybe I'm having the energy to work hard on healing in other ways. Don't get me wrong, it sucks to be where I'm at, but I think it needs to be done. It's part of the process.

A little bit of other news - we ordered at-home neurofeedback equipment and it should be getting here soon. It'll be really nice to not have to go all the way to Bellevue to do that kind of therapy. And having my own equipment makes me able to take it with me when I travel. Now I'll be able to continue therapy while I'm in Alaska for Christmas rather than being forced to have a big hiatus in therapy because I'm out of town.

And I'm excited because we get to go have lunch with Annie today. She's Drew's lady friend. Drew is the guy we know of that got hurt at the end of August. He was in a coma and is now starting the road to recovery. I think it'll be really nice to be able to support her, share our experiences with her, answer any questions she has, and pray with her and for her. I'm just a little scared that I'll cry the whole time. But I think I'll be able to at least quasi keep it together because we all have that nice automatic internal function where if we don't feel like we're in a safe place to cry we just won't.

Kinda funny how useful that function has become for me. I used to be so tough - never really cried. And now in the words of my husband, "She just goes water works." Weird. But I guess that's just part of the new me - who I am now that my brain got banged around a bit.

Would appreciate prayer for the shrink stuff, and that I can beat myself up about it less.

Thanks.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hola.

How you doin'? Hopefully well. Things are chugging along over here.

Let's see - what's been up lately? A few things. I've been having more trouble lately than I have in quite a while just getting around. My left side has been feeling really heavy lately so it takes some real effort to move it around. Especially going up stairs. And my muscle spasticity has been a lot greater lately too. I feel really tight on my whole left side. The best way I can describe it is you know your first big stretch in the morning after you get up? You know how all your muscles tighten up and that's when you usually let out a little grunt? It's like that for me ALL the time on my left side.

What else? We started a new community group last night. It was great! I think God will really use it grow us, to grow the other people in it, and to reach the community. It felt good! It was super comfortable and everybody was really nice. And genuine. I can't wait to see where it goes.

And other stuff? I have officially settled in to my new head space about the physical challenges I'm experiencing. Now when life gets tough for me physically I say a little prayer, "God, I trust you and I know that I am in the best possible place for me to be. Please help get me through right now and help me to exude faith so that You are made much of and glorified."

And? I think I am making some real headway in neurofeedback. One of the things where we're working with the electrodes right now is supposed to have an effect on is emotional awareness and communication. And that it is! I have been a lot clearer with how I'm feeling in the past week and have taken a HUGE step towards "normal". Ever since I was baby I've needed me time. Time where I just am by myself. When I was a baby that was apparent when I would just scream until someone put me in my crib, left the room, and shut the door. When I was a teenager it was apparent when I would just go inside my walk-in closet and shut the door. No matter who or how many people were around. And last week I felt for the first time like I needed some me time. And I was able to communicate that to Josh and then just go in our bedroom and shut the door. This is a REALLY big step forward for me! Yeah! Progress!

That's where I'm at.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

Hi.

Big news - and I mean BIG! And just a fair warning - this is a full-on Jesus centric post. So if you're not into Jesus, well, read it anyway - you might get something from it.

Anywho, the big news is that I had an AWESOME experience last night. Josh and I had another counseling session with Pastor James and it was good. Really good. In the midst of the session we talked about how I've been really holding onto current circumstances and sort of getting embittered that God isn't just taking the crappy stuff away like the pins and needles. I've been really questioning a lot lately how can a God who loves me and wants the best for me just leave me with these pins and needles. As I was talking about this a dim light came on that maybe He's leaving me with these difficulties and struggles so that I'm more dependent on Him. Hmmm. It's possible. So as we went on and talked about this and where I'm at more I got pretty darn convicted that I REALLY need to repent on my crappy attitude in this. The truth is that God is good, He does love me, and His "Plan A" is the best plan for me. And His "Plan A" includes the pins and needles, obviously. And I'll get to ask Him "why" when I see Him face to face in heaven.

So before bed last night I started praying about this. I told God that what I want most is deeper relationship with Him and to be closer to Him and more dependent on Him. Mid prayer it became clear to me that my big E on the eye chart sin has really been worshipping comfort instead of God. So I asked for forgiveness on that and as I was apologizing to God that I've really just wanted comfort not what's best for me (Him) for a split second I tried to weave in the "explanation" of why I have the pins and needles and that's when He really spoke to me. He laid on my heart that what I really need is to increase my trust in Him and my faith. And so I was able to pray, "God, I trust you and whatever reason you have for giving me these pins and needles, I know it is what's best for me. Thank you for loving me and caring enough about me to put me in the best possible place. Thank you for these pins and needles because I trust you and know that they are what is best for me right now."

Anyways, it was BIG!!! And I feel so much different now! I feel like I can be grateful for even what is tough. Thank you, Jesus, for my pins and needles. Thank you for my muscle spasticity. Thank you for my imbalance and left-side weakness. Thank you. And thank you for being right here with me!

Wow.

Big.

Hope you're making leaps forward like I am.

Praise God!

Ang

Welcome back.

How have you been? Hopefully well. Life has been a little less than easy for me lately. The past few days I've really been feeling like I've been going in reverse in terms of recovery. Moving around has been tougher and my whole left side has really felt heavy and burdensome. Plus I've been having to go to bed really early and by "having to go to bed" I mean HAVING to go to bed. Like I just stop functioning. I can't keep my eyes open any more. It's been tough for me. Because I thought my stamina and energy levels were improving but it has been hard lately. I haven't even really been able to hang with my husband much lately. On work days when I get home I'm pretty done. And on non-work days just about the time he gets home I'm pretty done. And that just adds fuel to the "life is hard" fire. Because when I don't even get to spend time with him then I feel like a bad wife and all sorts of other lies along those lines creep up.

Needless to say life is hard right now in the Sweet household.

And then I do totally weird stuff sometimes too. Like I remember waking up last night and calling for Josh and then I couldn't tell him what I needed. I don't remember why I couldn't I just remember that I couldn't. And then I was asking him some weird questions that didn't make any sense when he asked if I wanted him to take my torture device splint off.

And cue the feeling like a crummy wife again. I cannot even imagine being married to me. Never a dull moment. Seems like a perpetual whirlwind of swirling needs and wants and dos and don'ts.

And then at church this morning was a sermon about mistrust. And it became abundantly clear to me that I don't trust God's timing. I think He's wrong. I just do not understand how this timing could possibly be what is best for me or have my best interest in mind. I feel like I have suffered long enough. I've had and continue to have pins and needles for over a year now. Come on, how can that possibly be best for me?!?!

I trust God that He is in control. And His "plan A" is what is best for me. I just really don't understand. And now I'm becoming aware of where I need to be in repentance for my wicked heart in acting like I am god. Surprise, surprise - I am not. Nor do I deserve to be. And I know in my heart of hearts that He is right here with me and carrying me through both the good days and the bad. Thank you Jesus!

So I know that my true north is still pointing north I just think I have some sin causing me to waver around. All in all I am having a hard time. God's "plan A" while being the best for me hurts like heck! And it's no fun to sit in hurt. But here I am. Prayer for quick and thorough repentance and for continuing to lean into God to carry me is much needed. Also some prayer for steadfastness and patience would be great too.

Thanks much.

Ang

Good Morning.

How you doin'? Hopefully well. I'm alright. Super excited because my mom gets home today from her cruise in the Black Sea. I have REALLY missed her! She'll probably be jet lagged and stay in bed all day tomorrow but a hug is no longer going to be separated by continents! Yeah!!!

And I had a weird "back to normal" experience day before yesterday. I went in for a massage and it is marked the difference between the sensitivity of my left and right sides. My right side is more "back to normal" ie. I'm ridiculously ticklish but my left side is totally fine. It's almost like it's de-sensitized. Weird. I'm no longer ticklish on my left side. Maybe it's the persistent pins and needles feeling. Who knows. And I don't even think it's worth asking the docs because I can hear the standard SWAG answer now, "That's just a result of the brain injury." For any of you who might not know SWAG is an acronym for "scientific wild ass guess". It seems to be a norm when it comes to docs and TBI.

And there was one more awesome "back to normal" experience yesterday too. Josh was relatively mercilessly messing with me last night. He kept joking and yanking my chain. While this in and of itself is not all that fun or desirable it was the first time he's really played with me like that since the accident. And it was welcomed! It was so nice to get to see him and his little smirk of satisfaction when he knows he got you. I have missed that! It just really makes me feel good because it shows that he must see me getting better enough that I'm no longer to be babied or handled with kid gloves. He can see that I can take it and it is possibly one of his spiritual gifts to dole it out. It's just really nice to see the physical signs of switches in his mind of how I'm doing. I no longer am viewed as fragile and just to be taken care of. Thanks, babe!

On that awesomely-awesome note I'm signing off.

Have a good day.

Ang

Hi.

Another real quick one. Not too much content, but enough to share.

Oh boy, I had the BEST night's sleep last night! It was incredible! So rejuvenating, restful, and regenerating. I feel like I woke up this morning a new woman! And I have a pretty good hunch as to why too. Last night was Josh's and my first biblical counseling session. I (and I think both of us) were pretty freaked out about it being really heavy and hard. The kind of thing where you fizzle out about half way through and then just sit around practically comatose for the rest of the night. I know, I get it, I can't really use the whole "comatose" figure of speech any more having actually been there. But you know what I mean, right?!?! Anywho, it was GREAT! We met with a pastor last night and instead of it being the big, ultra heavy cry-fest I was afraid of, we got a chance to really just talk and try to pick out and separate the truth from the lies. We got to start our "real bucket" where we put stuff like Jesus is God; He has taken up residence in us; He is the complete, not partial, fruit of the Spirit; we can hear Him; Josh wants to love and serve me; I appreciated Josh's love and service, and a few others. Honestly, if I had to pick one word to sum to sum up last night I would choose "hopeful". It was so nice to hear it laid out in plain black and white that God is in me and when Satan attacks me with lies he is attacking God. And that's not even a fight I have to stress over because that one has already been won by Jesus on the cross. Hallelujah!

And Josh got some good tidbits for him too. But, seeing as I am not at liberty to assume I can speak for me and this isn't his blog, you'll just have to call or email him if you want more details.

To sum it up, though, the whole thing felt really good. It felt very life giving! I am so glad we have Jesus! And we have such an awesome community to point us to Him and walk with us through this tough time. Praise God!

So prayers of thanksgiving are certainly in order. And prayers that we make some good headway toward Jesus and one another as we slog through our current situation.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

Hi there.

Just a quick tidbit - got official word from my PT that my appointments scheduled through the end of October will be it for us. WOW! Never thought that I'd actually see the day of a therapy coming to an end. Kinda neat. But it also means that my wonderful husband will step in as gestapo hounding me about getting my PT "homework" done. I'll be interested to see what my PT "homework" consists of. As of yesterday we agreed to have it include some e-stim. That's electronic stimulation for those of you who thankfully don't know the therapy lingo. So shocky-shocky here I come. It's so weird the ways you can see the effects of this brain injury. Like for example, the toes on my left foot don't want to pick up like the toes on my right foot. Try it - you can totally raise up your toes while leaving the rest of your foot flat on the ground. I can only do it on one side. Especially if I'm standing. I can sort of get my toes up if I'm sitting down but I've got nothing once I'm standing. Weird!

And I went and saw my vocational counselor yesterday and she and I agreed on me sticking with my current 3 days/week schedule at work at least until January. We'll meet towards the end of the year and see how my energy level is doing. Hopefully I'll be able to add Tuesdays then but we'll see. That whole having a life outside of work is sort of important too. Just a tad. You know, like being coherent with my husband when I get home from work and on the weekends. Details. In case you couldn't tell, that was me being sarcastic and joking around. Yes, believe it or not, despite my brain injury I am still prone to being a jokester. Sometimes now the jokes only make sense and are funny to me, but I'm still a jokester.

Ahhh, never a dull moment.

That's what I got.

Have a good one.

Ang

Hey there.

How's it going? It's going around here. I've been having a pretty tough time the past few days. Convenient timing though. I've just been feeling pretty weak and tired the past couple days. Especially my legs and feet and knees. And my hips a bit too. My left arm and leg have been feeling pretty heavy and labor some to move around. It was pretty ridiculous in yoga on Friday. I felt like a total failure. Like I was backsliding severely in recovery. I just could not get my leg to do what I wanted it to do. Instead of being able to pick up my foot and move it around I had to drag my foot along the floor. Bummer! :(

Anywho, the convenience of it all is that I have my next meeting with my vocational counselor Tuesday. She's my "back to work" lady that helps me ease back into working. I think this new found weakness will certainly help me to not try to convince her that I should really be rushing to up my work hours. I think it would be good for me to have some rest time in my schedule. Even if I don't have therapy appointments.

Speaking of therapies - that's another big ticket item lately. I just had an acupuncture treatment on Thursday and he told me that my next treatment will be my last from him. And when I was talking to my PT and my OT about scheduling November they both wanted to "wait a while". My PT says he might be done with me by the end of October and my OT said she is nearing the end of stuff she can work on with me too. My OT said that my primary issue now is the tightness and immobility in my shoulder girdle. Yeah, I know, girdle. Yuck! Sorry for the vocab sensitive out there who get disgusted by that word. I don't blame ya. Anyways, my OT has some other therapist in mind who might be better at helping me with that. But she doesn't normally see neuro (that means brain injured) patients. So she may not even be willing to take me on. We'll see.

Don't think I have much else. At least not about me.

We recently became aware of this guy who is connected to Josh through a coworker who suffered a pretty bad accident at the end of August. His name is Drew and he could really use some prayers. He and his lady friend go to Mars Hill. If you'd like to keep up with him and stay up-to-date on how to specifically pray for him, check out www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale.

As for prayers for me, feel free to keep em coming mostly for protection against pretty much constant onslaught from the enemy. And for patience with Josh. And for our upcoming counseling with one of the pastors at our church to be fruitful, beneficial, and uplifting.

Thanks.

Ang