Good Morning.

Nothing big to report here. In fact, it's feeling like that more and more. I think I might actually be done trying to keep up the blog. I promise that when there are new biggies I'll post about them but this way I can stop having "did you write on your blog" looming over me and trying to make me feel guilty. I swear, I have enough issues with feeling guilty about this and that, I feel like if there is one that I can kick to the curb I should really do it.

So, farewell. Thanks for keeping up with me. It's been great to have people listening. And commenting.

Josh and I should be starting up neurofeedback at home pretty quick here and with that up to three times a week who knows what we'll see. If there's anything earth shattering, or even mildly interesting, I'll post about it.

That's pretty much all I've got for updates.

Again, thanks for hanging in there with me. This blog was something else when I first started writing on it. Thinking back to then it's really stark how far I've come. And you've all been on that journey with me.

Much love,

Ang

Hi.

Not much today but a bit. I had my first TBI Advisory Board meeting this week. I think it went well. I was not the only survivor there, but was the only one my age. There were quite a few other survivors. Mostly it was an update meeting on how the current studies are going in the Model System at the UW. And I was able to provide some I thought useful feedback at one point. So that was good. Made me not just feel like a lump on a log.

And I guess I just now made a new realization a few minutes ago. I was washing my hands in front of a mirror and I took a moment to look at my pic line scar on my neck. That one really used to bother me but it is hardly noticeable at all any more. Progress. No matter what it feels like, things are still improving and moving. Sometimes it feels really stagnant but oh, it is not. I am still making big improvements, just on different stuff now.

And I had another great session with the happy clappy TBI shrink. We are working on how to get me to stop comparing everything to the person I was before. I used to get so much of my identity from my ability to have good output - be it work or intelligence or anything else. Now I really get to figure out what it feels like to get my identity from being a child of God. Really good for me but pretty scary too. I've always known that that's who I am but I always had all the other stuff to fall back on. I knew it in my head and not my heart. Now I get to really rely on being a child of God to give me all I need for identity. Wow! God sure is opening new doors for me that I don't think would have come about without this accident. He is so good! And I think my relationship with Him is just going to get better from slogging through this stuff.

That's what I've got for now. Boy oh boy, my at-home therapy stuff is really starting to get big. If I forget to tell y'all about it, somebody remind me. I am up to about my eyeballs in stuff to do at home now. Whew.

Have a good one. Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hi.

I've got some pretty big, at least to me, stuff to bring you up to speed on.

Yesterday I had another good session with my happy-clappy TBI shrink guy and we are on a roll. We started on the not-so-fun grief/loss counseling that comes along with this kind of trauma. Not so fun, but good.

And I made a big step in OT. I don't have to wear my wrist and thumb brace all the time anymore. Yeah! But my OT did say that I really should start trying to type with both hands so this blog posting is now sort of a chore. My tone really seems to kick in and my fingers don't want to move. Oh well, hopefully it'll get better the more I do it.

And I had a really big thing go down yesterday too. For the first time since my accident I felt comfortable in my body. I felt like me rather than my insides in a broken shell. It felt REALLY good. I don't really have the same feeling today but I'm just going to try to maintain the high of having it yesterday. Gotta try and go with what you got.

And I also, for the first time yesterday, actually took note of how much better it feels for me to walk. I remember when I was first learning to walk again I never thought I would ever get to the place again where walking would just come naturally - I thought it would ALWAYS be laborsome and I'd ALWAYS have to think about each individual part of it. But yesterday I realized that I'm actually there, it does just come naturally. I don't have to think about it. Just one word sums that up - SUCCESS!

I'm sure I could think of more to say, but honestly I'm tired of struggling to type.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hi.

Nothing really recovery related today, just a mini tattoo update. Bummer, bummer - no tattoo until December 11th. Oh well. Joshua 1:9, we are on for then.

That's it.

Ang

Good morning.

Hope all is well with y'all. I'm doing pretty darn well on this end. Lots of forward movement in my life.

I got my heel switch figured out with the help of my PT and I am now trying to walk with the estim 30 minutes most every day.

I am almost officially graduated from PT. I have one more follow-up session in two weeks and then I am officially done. Never thought I'd see this day nearing.

I had a really good acupuncture/cranial sacral session on Tuesday. I told my acupuncturist that I'm beginning to process emotionally and sort of drowning in that at times. He said that from what he could tell though I may be doing a lot more emotionally he couldn't detect any emotional problems. Plus he said that he could detect that I've made significant improvements even in just the last month as far as my energy goes so he was able to do some more intense cranial sacral work with me. It must have been really big improvements because at my last session he said that my next session would be my last and now he thinks there's more work that he can do. Woo hoo!

And the happy-clappy TBI shrink was really good too. And my mom says he's a psychologist not a shrink so I should probably point that out. Anyway, my time with him was very beneficial. We are starting work on a surface level intervention of some of my unhealthy thoughts. For the past week my homework has been to stop every time I make an "I" statement and change it to a "part of me" statement. This is meant to combat my absolutist tendencies and self-labeling and generalizations that I commonly fall into. I know it seems small but it really makes a lot of my self talk a lot less overwhelming. And it was pretty funny when I texted Josh "part of me doesn't know what part of me would do without you". Hee hee. :)

And work has been going well lately too. I am about half way through my first experiment that I am fully responsible for. And it's successful so far. Granted I am not doing all the work on it since I'm only there 3 days a week, but I am in the drivers seat and my initials are on the schedule next to the spaces blocked out for the tanks. It's a pretty big deal to me. I'm doing what I used to do. Successfully. Nobody EVER thought I'd be able to go back to this. And I'm doing it. Thank you, Jesus!

I got a new splint this week too. It's a shoulder splint that works on external rotation. It is AWESOME! I decided to "just try it" with no expectations and realized this morning how much I like it. It's a good stretch and I am able to get in and out of it solo. And that's a BIG deal! So I'll be able to use this splint without needing help from anyone. I feel like it's kind of an avenue for me to progress in independence in my therapy stuff. Yeah!

And I learned how to knit a couple days ago. I'm starting a scarf for my OT. It's not as pretty as the ones grandmas make but the yarn is super soft so it'll be nice anyhow.

Ooh, and, I almost forgot, I'm on a big adventure for today. I'm going to try to go get a tattoo. I'm really hoping it works out. I'm getting Joshua 1:9 on the inside of my right forearm. For those of you who might not know, Joshua 1:9 says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." I'm so excited. Considering this verse pretty much got me through the transition from the nursing home back to Harborview for inpatient rehab and I continue to cling to it and it gets me through MANY days even now I think it'll be a great tattoo.

And lunch with Annie was great on Sunday too. She is so nice. We had a really good time. And Drew is making HUGE steps. If you want to check out his story go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale. He is really moving right along. And it was nice to get to support our sister in Christ who is going through a similar struggle. It was wonderful and a little bit creepy to get to hear how much Annie has struggled from the bedside of Drew and see how much Josh could really relate and connect to and understand that. I think I really lucked out that I don't have any memory of that. I cannot imagine how hard that must've been. My goodness, my husband has been through so much. Please pray for him for healing and the ability to keep moving forward with me. And the same for Annie too.

That's pretty much where I'm at.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hey there,

Happy Halloween! Hope it's a fun day for you all and especially for your kiddos who are about to get jacked up on candy and make your lives as miserable as they can. Oh joy - the excitement of the beginning of the holidays!

I really don't have much right now. My head has sort of been in the dumps lately but I guess that is just sort of par for the course. I finally got low enough yesterday that I committed to calling the happy-clappy TBI shrink at Harborview and making an appointment. Just have some nasties to slog through and I think I need some help. Despite the aforementioned title I really like the haapy-clappy TBI shrink. He's great. He's not all sugar-coated or oh-this or oh-that, he's pretty down to business but gentle and a good listener. I'm hoping he can be helpful with managing this poo pile I'm living in right now. It is kind of weird though. My mom's take on where I'm at is sort of hopeful. She thinks that maybe now that I'm now starting to plateau a little bit in my physical recovery I have the energy needed to really start my emotional recovery. Makes sense. I don't think I had the energy to deal with this head stuff while I was working SO hard learning to walk again or learning how to take care of myself again. Now that I don't have to work so hard at that stuff, maybe I'm having the energy to work hard on healing in other ways. Don't get me wrong, it sucks to be where I'm at, but I think it needs to be done. It's part of the process.

A little bit of other news - we ordered at-home neurofeedback equipment and it should be getting here soon. It'll be really nice to not have to go all the way to Bellevue to do that kind of therapy. And having my own equipment makes me able to take it with me when I travel. Now I'll be able to continue therapy while I'm in Alaska for Christmas rather than being forced to have a big hiatus in therapy because I'm out of town.

And I'm excited because we get to go have lunch with Annie today. She's Drew's lady friend. Drew is the guy we know of that got hurt at the end of August. He was in a coma and is now starting the road to recovery. I think it'll be really nice to be able to support her, share our experiences with her, answer any questions she has, and pray with her and for her. I'm just a little scared that I'll cry the whole time. But I think I'll be able to at least quasi keep it together because we all have that nice automatic internal function where if we don't feel like we're in a safe place to cry we just won't.

Kinda funny how useful that function has become for me. I used to be so tough - never really cried. And now in the words of my husband, "She just goes water works." Weird. But I guess that's just part of the new me - who I am now that my brain got banged around a bit.

Would appreciate prayer for the shrink stuff, and that I can beat myself up about it less.

Thanks.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hola.

How you doin'? Hopefully well. Things are chugging along over here.

Let's see - what's been up lately? A few things. I've been having more trouble lately than I have in quite a while just getting around. My left side has been feeling really heavy lately so it takes some real effort to move it around. Especially going up stairs. And my muscle spasticity has been a lot greater lately too. I feel really tight on my whole left side. The best way I can describe it is you know your first big stretch in the morning after you get up? You know how all your muscles tighten up and that's when you usually let out a little grunt? It's like that for me ALL the time on my left side.

What else? We started a new community group last night. It was great! I think God will really use it grow us, to grow the other people in it, and to reach the community. It felt good! It was super comfortable and everybody was really nice. And genuine. I can't wait to see where it goes.

And other stuff? I have officially settled in to my new head space about the physical challenges I'm experiencing. Now when life gets tough for me physically I say a little prayer, "God, I trust you and I know that I am in the best possible place for me to be. Please help get me through right now and help me to exude faith so that You are made much of and glorified."

And? I think I am making some real headway in neurofeedback. One of the things where we're working with the electrodes right now is supposed to have an effect on is emotional awareness and communication. And that it is! I have been a lot clearer with how I'm feeling in the past week and have taken a HUGE step towards "normal". Ever since I was baby I've needed me time. Time where I just am by myself. When I was a baby that was apparent when I would just scream until someone put me in my crib, left the room, and shut the door. When I was a teenager it was apparent when I would just go inside my walk-in closet and shut the door. No matter who or how many people were around. And last week I felt for the first time like I needed some me time. And I was able to communicate that to Josh and then just go in our bedroom and shut the door. This is a REALLY big step forward for me! Yeah! Progress!

That's where I'm at.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

Hi.

Big news - and I mean BIG! And just a fair warning - this is a full-on Jesus centric post. So if you're not into Jesus, well, read it anyway - you might get something from it.

Anywho, the big news is that I had an AWESOME experience last night. Josh and I had another counseling session with Pastor James and it was good. Really good. In the midst of the session we talked about how I've been really holding onto current circumstances and sort of getting embittered that God isn't just taking the crappy stuff away like the pins and needles. I've been really questioning a lot lately how can a God who loves me and wants the best for me just leave me with these pins and needles. As I was talking about this a dim light came on that maybe He's leaving me with these difficulties and struggles so that I'm more dependent on Him. Hmmm. It's possible. So as we went on and talked about this and where I'm at more I got pretty darn convicted that I REALLY need to repent on my crappy attitude in this. The truth is that God is good, He does love me, and His "Plan A" is the best plan for me. And His "Plan A" includes the pins and needles, obviously. And I'll get to ask Him "why" when I see Him face to face in heaven.

So before bed last night I started praying about this. I told God that what I want most is deeper relationship with Him and to be closer to Him and more dependent on Him. Mid prayer it became clear to me that my big E on the eye chart sin has really been worshipping comfort instead of God. So I asked for forgiveness on that and as I was apologizing to God that I've really just wanted comfort not what's best for me (Him) for a split second I tried to weave in the "explanation" of why I have the pins and needles and that's when He really spoke to me. He laid on my heart that what I really need is to increase my trust in Him and my faith. And so I was able to pray, "God, I trust you and whatever reason you have for giving me these pins and needles, I know it is what's best for me. Thank you for loving me and caring enough about me to put me in the best possible place. Thank you for these pins and needles because I trust you and know that they are what is best for me right now."

Anyways, it was BIG!!! And I feel so much different now! I feel like I can be grateful for even what is tough. Thank you, Jesus, for my pins and needles. Thank you for my muscle spasticity. Thank you for my imbalance and left-side weakness. Thank you. And thank you for being right here with me!

Wow.

Big.

Hope you're making leaps forward like I am.

Praise God!

Ang

Welcome back.

How have you been? Hopefully well. Life has been a little less than easy for me lately. The past few days I've really been feeling like I've been going in reverse in terms of recovery. Moving around has been tougher and my whole left side has really felt heavy and burdensome. Plus I've been having to go to bed really early and by "having to go to bed" I mean HAVING to go to bed. Like I just stop functioning. I can't keep my eyes open any more. It's been tough for me. Because I thought my stamina and energy levels were improving but it has been hard lately. I haven't even really been able to hang with my husband much lately. On work days when I get home I'm pretty done. And on non-work days just about the time he gets home I'm pretty done. And that just adds fuel to the "life is hard" fire. Because when I don't even get to spend time with him then I feel like a bad wife and all sorts of other lies along those lines creep up.

Needless to say life is hard right now in the Sweet household.

And then I do totally weird stuff sometimes too. Like I remember waking up last night and calling for Josh and then I couldn't tell him what I needed. I don't remember why I couldn't I just remember that I couldn't. And then I was asking him some weird questions that didn't make any sense when he asked if I wanted him to take my torture device splint off.

And cue the feeling like a crummy wife again. I cannot even imagine being married to me. Never a dull moment. Seems like a perpetual whirlwind of swirling needs and wants and dos and don'ts.

And then at church this morning was a sermon about mistrust. And it became abundantly clear to me that I don't trust God's timing. I think He's wrong. I just do not understand how this timing could possibly be what is best for me or have my best interest in mind. I feel like I have suffered long enough. I've had and continue to have pins and needles for over a year now. Come on, how can that possibly be best for me?!?!

I trust God that He is in control. And His "plan A" is what is best for me. I just really don't understand. And now I'm becoming aware of where I need to be in repentance for my wicked heart in acting like I am god. Surprise, surprise - I am not. Nor do I deserve to be. And I know in my heart of hearts that He is right here with me and carrying me through both the good days and the bad. Thank you Jesus!

So I know that my true north is still pointing north I just think I have some sin causing me to waver around. All in all I am having a hard time. God's "plan A" while being the best for me hurts like heck! And it's no fun to sit in hurt. But here I am. Prayer for quick and thorough repentance and for continuing to lean into God to carry me is much needed. Also some prayer for steadfastness and patience would be great too.

Thanks much.

Ang

Good Morning.

How you doin'? Hopefully well. I'm alright. Super excited because my mom gets home today from her cruise in the Black Sea. I have REALLY missed her! She'll probably be jet lagged and stay in bed all day tomorrow but a hug is no longer going to be separated by continents! Yeah!!!

And I had a weird "back to normal" experience day before yesterday. I went in for a massage and it is marked the difference between the sensitivity of my left and right sides. My right side is more "back to normal" ie. I'm ridiculously ticklish but my left side is totally fine. It's almost like it's de-sensitized. Weird. I'm no longer ticklish on my left side. Maybe it's the persistent pins and needles feeling. Who knows. And I don't even think it's worth asking the docs because I can hear the standard SWAG answer now, "That's just a result of the brain injury." For any of you who might not know SWAG is an acronym for "scientific wild ass guess". It seems to be a norm when it comes to docs and TBI.

And there was one more awesome "back to normal" experience yesterday too. Josh was relatively mercilessly messing with me last night. He kept joking and yanking my chain. While this in and of itself is not all that fun or desirable it was the first time he's really played with me like that since the accident. And it was welcomed! It was so nice to get to see him and his little smirk of satisfaction when he knows he got you. I have missed that! It just really makes me feel good because it shows that he must see me getting better enough that I'm no longer to be babied or handled with kid gloves. He can see that I can take it and it is possibly one of his spiritual gifts to dole it out. It's just really nice to see the physical signs of switches in his mind of how I'm doing. I no longer am viewed as fragile and just to be taken care of. Thanks, babe!

On that awesomely-awesome note I'm signing off.

Have a good day.

Ang

Hi.

Another real quick one. Not too much content, but enough to share.

Oh boy, I had the BEST night's sleep last night! It was incredible! So rejuvenating, restful, and regenerating. I feel like I woke up this morning a new woman! And I have a pretty good hunch as to why too. Last night was Josh's and my first biblical counseling session. I (and I think both of us) were pretty freaked out about it being really heavy and hard. The kind of thing where you fizzle out about half way through and then just sit around practically comatose for the rest of the night. I know, I get it, I can't really use the whole "comatose" figure of speech any more having actually been there. But you know what I mean, right?!?! Anywho, it was GREAT! We met with a pastor last night and instead of it being the big, ultra heavy cry-fest I was afraid of, we got a chance to really just talk and try to pick out and separate the truth from the lies. We got to start our "real bucket" where we put stuff like Jesus is God; He has taken up residence in us; He is the complete, not partial, fruit of the Spirit; we can hear Him; Josh wants to love and serve me; I appreciated Josh's love and service, and a few others. Honestly, if I had to pick one word to sum to sum up last night I would choose "hopeful". It was so nice to hear it laid out in plain black and white that God is in me and when Satan attacks me with lies he is attacking God. And that's not even a fight I have to stress over because that one has already been won by Jesus on the cross. Hallelujah!

And Josh got some good tidbits for him too. But, seeing as I am not at liberty to assume I can speak for me and this isn't his blog, you'll just have to call or email him if you want more details.

To sum it up, though, the whole thing felt really good. It felt very life giving! I am so glad we have Jesus! And we have such an awesome community to point us to Him and walk with us through this tough time. Praise God!

So prayers of thanksgiving are certainly in order. And prayers that we make some good headway toward Jesus and one another as we slog through our current situation.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

Hi there.

Just a quick tidbit - got official word from my PT that my appointments scheduled through the end of October will be it for us. WOW! Never thought that I'd actually see the day of a therapy coming to an end. Kinda neat. But it also means that my wonderful husband will step in as gestapo hounding me about getting my PT "homework" done. I'll be interested to see what my PT "homework" consists of. As of yesterday we agreed to have it include some e-stim. That's electronic stimulation for those of you who thankfully don't know the therapy lingo. So shocky-shocky here I come. It's so weird the ways you can see the effects of this brain injury. Like for example, the toes on my left foot don't want to pick up like the toes on my right foot. Try it - you can totally raise up your toes while leaving the rest of your foot flat on the ground. I can only do it on one side. Especially if I'm standing. I can sort of get my toes up if I'm sitting down but I've got nothing once I'm standing. Weird!

And I went and saw my vocational counselor yesterday and she and I agreed on me sticking with my current 3 days/week schedule at work at least until January. We'll meet towards the end of the year and see how my energy level is doing. Hopefully I'll be able to add Tuesdays then but we'll see. That whole having a life outside of work is sort of important too. Just a tad. You know, like being coherent with my husband when I get home from work and on the weekends. Details. In case you couldn't tell, that was me being sarcastic and joking around. Yes, believe it or not, despite my brain injury I am still prone to being a jokester. Sometimes now the jokes only make sense and are funny to me, but I'm still a jokester.

Ahhh, never a dull moment.

That's what I got.

Have a good one.

Ang

Hey there.

How's it going? It's going around here. I've been having a pretty tough time the past few days. Convenient timing though. I've just been feeling pretty weak and tired the past couple days. Especially my legs and feet and knees. And my hips a bit too. My left arm and leg have been feeling pretty heavy and labor some to move around. It was pretty ridiculous in yoga on Friday. I felt like a total failure. Like I was backsliding severely in recovery. I just could not get my leg to do what I wanted it to do. Instead of being able to pick up my foot and move it around I had to drag my foot along the floor. Bummer! :(

Anywho, the convenience of it all is that I have my next meeting with my vocational counselor Tuesday. She's my "back to work" lady that helps me ease back into working. I think this new found weakness will certainly help me to not try to convince her that I should really be rushing to up my work hours. I think it would be good for me to have some rest time in my schedule. Even if I don't have therapy appointments.

Speaking of therapies - that's another big ticket item lately. I just had an acupuncture treatment on Thursday and he told me that my next treatment will be my last from him. And when I was talking to my PT and my OT about scheduling November they both wanted to "wait a while". My PT says he might be done with me by the end of October and my OT said she is nearing the end of stuff she can work on with me too. My OT said that my primary issue now is the tightness and immobility in my shoulder girdle. Yeah, I know, girdle. Yuck! Sorry for the vocab sensitive out there who get disgusted by that word. I don't blame ya. Anyways, my OT has some other therapist in mind who might be better at helping me with that. But she doesn't normally see neuro (that means brain injured) patients. So she may not even be willing to take me on. We'll see.

Don't think I have much else. At least not about me.

We recently became aware of this guy who is connected to Josh through a coworker who suffered a pretty bad accident at the end of August. His name is Drew and he could really use some prayers. He and his lady friend go to Mars Hill. If you'd like to keep up with him and stay up-to-date on how to specifically pray for him, check out www.caringbridge.org/visit/drewdinsdale.

As for prayers for me, feel free to keep em coming mostly for protection against pretty much constant onslaught from the enemy. And for patience with Josh. And for our upcoming counseling with one of the pastors at our church to be fruitful, beneficial, and uplifting.

Thanks.

Ang

Hey there.

Ah, yes - patience IS a virtue. Unfortunately, one that I am lacking.

I struggled and was sort of cranky yesterday with this whole botox thing while in PT and OT. Both therapists said they could feel a marked difference in the muscle tone but I was upset because I didn't feel any different. And this morning I do. I was doing my arm exercises in the gym this morning with weights and noticed a pretty marked difference. It is harder for me to hang on the weights while I do my exercises. One of my exercises is to do arm extensions up to about shoulder height with a 5lb weight. 3 sets of 10 is what I do. Thankfully, I've started using my 5lb wrist weight to help me stretch in yoga so I had it with me. I had to strap it on because I couldn't hold the 5lb weight for all three sets lifting the dumbbell up that high. And when I actually stopped to think about it, my left hand does feel a lot less spastic. It feels a lot looser and more pliable. Yeah!

I don't feel much difference in my foot but now that I've learned my lesson I'll just wait a little bit before coming to any conclusions.

The other weird thing I noticed this morning with my hand is that I am pretty much lacking now in grip strength. That's not true - it is just dramatically reduced. Especially pinch strength. I have OT again tomorrow and I'm going to try to get her to measure it so I have numbers to bolster my hunch. Goodness, I am SO data driven. I just LOVE the numbers! I know, I know - NERDY! Can't help it. It is what it is. Love it or keep it to yourself. It's just who I am.

And another thing that I think I forgot to mention on here - the other new difference I've noticed. Now when I do the grapevine - which, yes, I have to do often in therapy - I no longer catch my left foot on my right leg when I put my right foot in front of it. Could it be from neurofeedback? Who knows; but I'll take it!

And the whole neurofeedback thing is moving right along. Next two treatments I have Josh going with me and hopefully getting trained on how and where to put the sensors on my head. Then we're going to try to get a unit at home so I can do it three times a week. Maybe even for a couple years. Cool!

Let's see - that's about all the cool update-type stuff. I have some weird feeling-type stuff but I'll warn you now, if you don't dig that stuff just stop reading now.

For you update-only peeps, peace out.

For everyone else - welcome to my world of insanity. It's been pretty intense lately. I've been struggling a lot with guilt and what I believe to be lies and attacks from the enemy. I've been hearing the enemy loud and clear trying to convince me that I am ruining Josh's life. That he is sad and tired all the time because of me. That I only make things worse and make his life harder. Once in a while it even goes so far as to try to convince me that I should also feel bad that I am too chicken to just take care of it and either off myself or divorce him. These extremes are what really hits home for me that these are lies. But it's hard to hear anyways. And the attacks just seem to go on and on.

Had a pretty good and weepy ladies bible study on Monday night and talked through a lot of this. Then I went home and bawled to my husband about it some more. But at least now everybody knows exactly where I'm at. Part of the onslaught had been to just keep it to myself because sharing it just makes others suffer. Smart, huh?!?! If you're trying to get someone and really keep him (or her in this case) down it makes sense to have part of the whole ploy be to get him to isolate himself. He's smart, that one. And crafty. But also defeated. Thank you, Jesus!

So any prayers for protection and bolstering from the enemy would be much appreciated. Josh and I might even go talk to a pastor about it to try to get some more clout on our side. Never hurts.

Ok, so that's really about all I've got.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hola.

Holy Guacamole! I don't think I will EVER understand why ladies get botox by choice. It freakin' hurts! And I looked like a complete tattoo/piercing poser and cried. I got 11 shots total. 4 in my inner forearm on the left side, 1 in the meaty part of my left palm right at the base of my thumb, 2 in my left calf, and 4 just at the base of my toes on top of my left foot. If you were cringing as you read that it was completely appropriate. The most painful ones were in my palm and on the top of my foot. Yowza! And it's not even immediate gratification. I pretty much feel the same. I have noticed that when I sleep I often don't use my cucumber. My cucumber is a little foam padded thing that I usually hold in my left hand while I sleep. And it's green so it looks - well, like a cucumber to me. Hence it's name. And I noticed that when my hand does clench up it seems to be doing so differently because my fingernails aren't digging in to my palm anymore. So that's nice. The doc said that I should know if it's working in three or so days and it should have the maximum affect in one to two weeks. And then it should last 3 to 6 months. I'm thinking it must have some seriously profound effect or it is not worth getting all those shots again. We'll see.

Well, that's my botox update.

I do have to say - my left hand and foot are looking quite young and vibrant. :) It was pretty cute, when we went to breakfast with Josh's dad and step-mom yesterday his step-mom made the joke that I probably wouldn't be allowed in the bar because my hand and foot look so young. Hee hee hee. Pretty funny.

And one other big event - we officially booked our tickets. We are going to Alaska to be with my brother, his wife, and our Alaska niece and nephews for Christmas! Pretty exciting! And a little scary because my brother said we can expect it be somewhere between 30 degrees and 60 below. Yikes! But we're happy! It'll be my first time getting to use the note the doctors gave me about having plates implanted in my arm and face to get through security. That should be an adventure all it's own.

That's what I've got.

Have a good one.

Ang

Hi.

All is well here.

We had a great weekend last weekend! Took Dorothy (my sister) to Spokane to meet the fam. What fun! We got to have a really nice dinner out where an amazing number of family members all showed up to meet Dorothy. I think there was around 18 of us! It was AWESOME! We also got to visit Grandma's house and meet her tenant and we got to go to the assisted living place and visit Grandpa too. Plus we got to show Dorothy the family car lot and we stayed out at Victor and Suzette's. I don't think it could have gone any better. Perfect! It was really nice to see Dorothy connect with some of her cousins. She'll probably go back out and visit of her own accord in the future.

Ooooohhhh, and Dad helped Josh find another car. Yeah! Now I have the Outback all to myself and I can drive to work M, W, F. So nice!!! No more Metro for me. I actually get to work now about the same time I used to catch the bus. Driving takes at least 2 hours off my day. Oh so nice!!! Anywho, Josh got a Forester and Dad found us a great one.

The only thing looming on the horizon for me is that I get my first botox treatment in my left hand and left foot this Friday. I'm pretty freaked out to be honest but I get little sympathy. Not many out there who feel bad for me when I tell them I'm scared of needles with around 40 hours of tattoo work and a few piercings. But I am scared. I don't want it to hurt. And I really hope it works well for me. We'll see, I guess. But I did try typing again today on this blog entry to have a fresh reminder how hard it is for me. Then I'll really be able to tell the difference if the botox helps with that. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

That's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Good morning.

Things are moving along over here. Had my second neurofeedback appointment yesterday and got my qEEG results. The qEEG was the initial brain map they did of how my brainwaves look all over. The report is all Hz this and Mhz that so it doesn't mean much to me. But the part of the report that does mean something is the recommendation part. Looks like I was recommended for 50 neurofeedback sessions working on a whole mess of different things. Lots if them deal with anxiety and irritability and then different visual and spatial processing stuff and motor functions too. The two sessions I've had so far are supposed to be focused on helping me manage my anxiety and irritability and visual processing. Last week I only made it about 24 minutes and then I was so sleepy I had to stop, but this time I made it the full 30 minutes and it didn't make me super sleepy. And, I'm sorry, I somehow forgot to report the HUGE success that came after last week's session. Only one neurofeedback treatment and I could tap my toes on the left side. Even last Thursday morning in PT, before the neurofeedback, I was trying with all my might and it was SUPER hard. I would really exert a lot of effort and they would maybe raise a centimeter off the floor. Post neurofeedback I can tap them regularly. They lift up just like the right toes do! COOL! A little weird but I'll take it!

And I officially got cleared that I do not need a root canal yesterday so that was good news. My sensation in one tooth is definitely reduced but I'm not going to argue and beg for a root canal. No way!

And big weekend on the horizon - we're taking my sister to Spokane to meet my dad's side of the family. I'm pretty excited. Get to see Gramma, Grampa, Uncle Victor's whole family, and hopefully more fam too. Should be good.

Well, that's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hola.

How's it going? Going pretty well here. Had a pretty big darn success this morning. So I thought I might get on and share with y'all.

Anywho, in yoga this morning I made a switch. Rather than trying to be who I used to be and do what I used to be able to do I made the old switch-a-roo and accepted who I am now with a brain injury and stopped dangerously trying to do things the old way. We did pigeon today and I did it on the right side no problemo but when we were supposed to switch and do it on the left I did reverse pigeon instead of regular pigeon. Used to be that I fell into pigeon on the left and really freaked myself out and gave myself a good mind F-you-know-what. I just went forward and did what I could and didn't feel weird about it at all this morning. And, no, don't worry, Josh, this does not mean that I am giving up and accepting that I'll never do pigeon on the left again. It just means that where I'm at right now doesn't agree with pigeon on the left and rather than fighting that and freaking myself out a whole bunch I am adopting a work-around that doesn't scare me at all. And I think that is success! And I opted out of dolphin too. Instead of doing dolphin which really hurts my toes on my left foot I just went for a little downward facing dog. It was great! And I didn't freak out or get really scared or feel stupid or inadequate at all! Yesssssssssss!

And there was further success last night with Josh. We took some time and did some hard work on us. Took lots of energy but we had a really good talk about where we're at and where we're going. And I feel VERY comforted by the outcome! I don't know what I did to merit such an amazing husband but it must've been good! Joshua is one hell of a guy! And so is Jesus for working such amazing miracles in Josh! It is so funny how Josh's actions and attitudes through this whole adventure had to be directly from God. No confusion, downright miraculous the attitude and dedication has had toward me. He is my biggest supporter and pushes me to get as far as I can. He has been SO patient, loving, accepting, dedicated, patient, understanding, compassionate, caring, generous, helpful, encouraging, did I say patient?, and so much more. Thank you, Meow!

And completely non-important in comparison, we got new furniture this weekend too. We braved IKEA and got a new loveseat, chair, and ottoman. And then we got a chest as a coffee table from Pier 1, and some throw pillows from Target. Fantastical! Our couch is finally comfy and that's saying something! If you're in the neighborhood buzz up and if we're home we'll have you up to show you the new living room prizes. Best part is that cats are still afraid of the new stuff. They won't get on the couch or chair as of yet. Oh darn! Or not. I'm sure it's short-lived but I'll enjoy it while it's going on.

That's about all I've got.

Any questions?

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hey there.

It's been a crazy week. Good, but sorta crazy. It was a VERY nice break to have an extended weekend. Especially since Josh took Tuesday off too so we got to just hang another day. Including a nice lunch with his Madre.

Monday was interesting. Went in and helped out at work for a few hours. Then went to the gym at home in the afternoon and tried to do my arm exercises. Smallest weights they have are 5lb so I couldn't do my wussy chest press or my scapula exercises. I usually do those with 2.5lb weights. So I did the assisted pull up machine to try to make up for my missed exercises. WOW! Was I sore Tuesday! Felt roughly like I'd been severely beaten in the lats for a few hours. Whew!

So, in my infinite wisdom, I listened carefully to my body and got back up on the machine and did them again on Wednesday. And I'm not nearly as sore today. Oh, I'm still sore, jut not AS sore. But it was kind of nice to have severe muscle pain from working out. Haven't had that in a while. Makes me feel that much closer "back to normal".

Then today I drove myself to Harborview for PT and OT this morning. Pretty good therapy today. OT was spent gardening with my therapist. We got to inaugurate the new therapy raised beds at Harborview. I was the first patient to get my hands dirty there and I helped plant six plants. Then I got a bunch of new exercises to do in PT. One of which is standing just on my left leg and then trying to raise myself up to be standing on my left toes. Hard! And so easy on the right side! I also got assigned practicing toe taps. So if you see me around and want to get down and dirty therapy-wise with me, do some toe taps with me. Then you'll also become keenly aware of some of my limitations from my brain injury. It's scary how pronounced the effects of the brain injury are in things as small and seemingly trivial as toe taps.

After Harborview this morning I had my first neurofeedback appointment this afternoon. It was interesting. I went in and got some sensors attached to my head and then the doc set up what he wanted those areas of my brain to do and I sat in this really comfy chair and played this solar system computer game with my brain. He started it up and said that it is all subconscious. So I didn't have to TRY and do anything. The game went such that a planet appeared and then it would replicate over and over. Once there were 10 planets they would combine to make a galaxy and you'd start over. It also beeped when I was doing what the doc wanted with my brain and the planets kept moving. When the planets paused it was because my brain wasn't doing what the doc wanted. Weird. But at the end of the session, marked by me getting really sleepy, the doc showed me some graphs of what my brain had been doing. There were two lines, a green one and a blue one and the graph started with the blue one on top and the green one below. The doc explained that what we were aiming for was for those to switch - for the green one to be higher and the blue one to be lower. And that's just how they were at the end of the graph. They kind of gradually got there over the course of the graph with little blips here and there on the way. So my brain was learning and doing exactly what we wanted it to. So that's good. The whole thing was pretty surreal. And it made me really tired. I almost fell asleep sitting right there. Onward - we'll see what next week brings.

That's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at y'all later.

Ang

Hi.

Things are going pretty well here. It's nice to have a weekend of relaxation and down time, that's for sure. And it all started off so nicely with a great dinner date with Josh's parents on Friday. Yum - Angelo's pizza! We had a really nice visit with them and enjoyed their company immensely. It was grand!

And then we took the car in to get loved on yesterday and we're doing birthday stuff with our nephew today. Should be great! And I'm going to work just a few hours tomorrow and then Josh took Tuesday off so we get to hang a whole extra day! Should be splendid!

I think one of the most enlightening parts of our soiree on Friday was talking with Burt and Marty and having them tell me how they have seen and noticed a really marked improvement in my speech lately. Pretty neat! And really nice feedback to get. I don't know if it's my actual speech so much as it has been a pretty solid improvement in my vocabulary, cadence, and delivery of speech. They said it's like talking to me before the accident. Awesome! Really great to get info from others that point to those kinds of successes! I can't pick up on that stuff on my own. So it was VERY nice to hear.

Don't have much else. Been feeling VERY blessed lately that I've been in pretty good spirits. Haven't had a "down" day in a while. Yeah! Thank you, Jesus!

Hope you're all well too.

Talk at ya soon,

Ang

Hey there.

Nothing too entirely big to report but I thought I would check in. I've had a challenging past few days. Let's start with Monday - I had quite a time in yoga. I can't do pigeon pose on the left side without help. And I am not very good at asking for help so I pretty much have to fall to get into the pose. Everything turns out fine but it is very scary for me and super frustrating. A big, fat reminder that I am limited and not back fully yet. And that was added to by attempting dolphin pose. Dolphin pose really hurts my toes now and I don't feel very comfortable or safe doing it. So I really just wanted to cry and leave yoga on Monday but I pushed through. Yesterday was super hard but I made some big progress in it too. I made progress by doing lots of driving yesterday, even in the pouring rain, and on the freeway. And by myself to boot. Unfortunately I also managed to misplace my hand brace at a Bartell Drugs of all places when I was buying cards. Then I went on with my day and went to an acupuncture appointment and didn't realize it was missing for about an hour and a half. And by the time I did realize I didn't have it I was late picking up my mom from the doctor and had a minor meltdown. Again, everything worked out fine but it was no fun while I was in it. And then today, another day of yoga trauma. Again with the dolphin pose - still just as hard and painful. But, SUCCESS, I did downward facing dog pose today! I needed help but I did it!

I've just generally been having a harder time lately. I'm stuck in this whole, "is this it? is this as far as I'm going to get" phase. I look back and realize that I have come FAR just in the past few months but I don't think I've ever been in this kind of head space before. I think it might just be an awesome side part of this stage of my recovery. I'm finally mentally at the place where I can doubt myself and ask these types of questions. But it's tough being here.

And it's dumb. I'm still moving. I haven't even started neurofeedback yet and who knows where that's going to take me?!?! And I'm still waiting but I'm all scheduled for botox at the end of this month. Who knows what that's going to do for me?!?! These two things could be HUGE. I can't beat myself up too bad with this stuff in mind. And it's nice that I'm in the TBI support group because this whole thinking pattern will certainly be something that I bring up at the next meeting. Maybe this is normal. Maybe I'm not the only who has these self-defeating thoughts. And now I am equipped with people I can reference and talk to who actually KNOW where I'm coming from.

Anyways, enough already. I'm sure you don't log on to the blog to attend my awesomely awesome pity parties. But thanks for hanging in there with me. I feel like I've really shifted even just insofar as the blog. I used to feel like it was really an update machine meant for the dissemination of information. And now I'm really using it as a forum for me to process. I'll still give you all cool updates but I really feel like this a great forum for me to work through stuff. You okay with that? Hope so.

Anyhow, too-da-loo.

Ang

Holy Smokes!

Yesterday was AWESOME! The party went really well!

To God be the glory! The day started out with my last post an then I sat down and had some good time talking to Jesus. He brought me back to my favorite verse - Joshua 1:9. It says, "Have I not commanded you, be strong and courageous. Do not be weak. Do not be terrified. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Then He reminded me that I am His perfect creation - the way I am now. Just because I got hurt didn't change His view of me. And I was reminded that He would be with me all day. All through the party. He'd be with me when everything was fine and He'd be with me if I felt overwhelmed. That was so comforting.

Then we got ready and went to Feedback. And when I got there I got a serious surprise - Feedback donated all the food for the day! And it was great food! We had chips with queso dip, spinach artichoke dip, chili verde, marinated mushrooms, and bread. And my next door neighbor from when I was growing up made the most awesome cake and brought it. Check it out:

And the turnout was fantastic! Probably about 100 people came. From all sorts of different areas of my life. Some from grade school and high school, some from church, some family, some family friends, some therapists from this whole accident adventure, some health care providers, some from church, some Josh's friends and family friends, and the list goes on. It was great!

And I did well too. There were a lot of people there but I'm pretty sure I said hi to everyone who came. And a handful I actually had conversations with. And I never had to go sit in the car. I recognized that the crowd was very big but I never felt overwhelmed or unsettled. Again, I completely thank Jesus for that one.

And we filled up almost the entire food bank bucket, plus we brought a lot of business to Feedback and we introduced a lot of hopefully returning customers to Feedback. And, for the second time, Feedback totally spoiled me. They said they were going to keep the Honeybush drink special going all night and that they would donate $1 from each one sold throughout the day and night to my fund to help with medical bills. Wow!

Plus I got to meet one of the owners of Feedback and he was a super nice guy. Everyone there was. All the staff worked their butts off and were so kind! So if you're ever out and hungry or thirsty I strongly encourage you to frequent Feedback Lounge! Not only are the food and drinks really good, but so are the hearts of the people who work there.

And then Jesus totally took care of the rest of the night too. I was pretty tired after the party so I wasn't able to pay very much attention to anything including my husband. But it was his birthday yesterday so I really wanted it to be a special day for him too. And two of our good friends invited us over after the party to have yummy steak dinner and watch the UFC fights. It was perfect! I couldn't have made the night special and about him if we'd have just gone home so God completely delivered someone else to! Thank you, Jesus! Yet another answered prayer! And our friends that we went to got Josh the most AWESOME birthday present EVER! They got him a bottle of bourbon (his favorite) and signed it from all the members of New Kids On The Block! :) Yessssssss! A couple weeks before they had gotten me a NKOTB DVD much to Josh's dismay that he's had to sit through far more than he will ever admit. And this was their icing on the cake! I love it!

You guys rock!

That's what I've got for today. If you were there, thanks for coming to the party! It was fantastical!

Talk at ya later,

Ang

Good morning.

Here we are at party day. The big one year party is in about four hours. And I figured I'd use this as a good forum to try to process what's going on on the inside. So hang in there with me, please.

I'm excited about the party. But I'm pretty nervous too. I feel like this is going to be the first big test of where I'm at brain-wise. Before the accident I would have loved every second of it - I would have been going a mile a minute and I would have been involved in as many conversations as possible all at the same time. But today I think it's going to be a little different. I'm going to have to go with one conversation at a time and I know that it tires me out to be in crowds now. Mom and Josh have been assigned the "watch my eyes" task. I don't really get it but they say my eyes look different when I'm getting worn out. So their job is to help me take breaks before the complete meltdown. And as weird as this might sound to everyone besides me - the plan for "breaks" is for me to go sit in the car by myself.

I am pretty darn freaked out about the party. I'm really glad we're doing it - I want to say thanks to everyone who's been on this adventure with us. But I am just worried that I'm not going to be able to handle it. I know it's going to be pretty much an entire afternoon of saying hi to different people and giving hugs. But that's exactly what I'm worried about - what if I can't switch gears like that any more. What if just saying hi and giving hugs is too much for me. That will be really hard. It'll be hard because of the situation but it'll be REALLY hard because it would be SO different than before. Then I'll really have to come to terms with the truth that this brain injury has changed me A LOT. And I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for that. I've been living in my own little world where I feel like I'm "back to normal" brain-wise. I get everything at work and I don't feel like my ability to think is really all that different than before the accident. I just live in this little world where I consider physical limitations as my biggest challenge. What if that's not it? What if there's more brain issues than I thought? I think that'll be really hard for me. I don't want to feel handicapped mentally. And up to this point I've managed to convince myself that I'm not. But what if this type of situation throws all that to the wind. I think I might have to go see someone (shrink wise) if this is really hard for me. I'm pretty sure it'll freak me out that much.

So anyways, now that I'm sitting here typing and crying, I think it is time for me to go. I'm going to go sit and have some good prayer time about this. I need Jesus! I feel weak and vulnerable. And God can protect me and get me through this.

I'll let you know how it all went.

Have a good one. And maybe I'll see you in a few hours.

Ang

Hola!

How's it going? I'm doing pretty well. Sure was nice to get so many comments on the last post. And even from a virgin commenter. Welcome! Seems like as soon as I think nobody's reading this any more I hear from somebody new that they're following it. Cool! I hope I'm not too boring now that things have slowed down some. No more awesome minute to minute updates about whether I'm going to make it or walk again. Or who I've been pinching, hitting, kicking, or throwing poop at. Now I'm back to just boring old me. Just working and hanging with the kitties and watching movies and being a wife. Pretty welcome lame-out if you ask me! Nothing too big and exciting to report right now. I'm really looking forward to my one year party this Saturday! Should be a great time. And the people at Feedback were kind enough to offer to put out a drink special of some delicious summer drink they make called the Honeybush and then donate $1 from each one sold to my fund to help with medical bills.

I guess I do have one tiny piece of what will hopefully become big news - I set up my neurofeedback. I'm going to start on September 9th. I'm really excited about it and will definitely write about it after it starts.

That's about it for me. I'm in the process of trying to set up a road trip to SpokaVegas (Spokane) to introduce my sister to all the family over there. We'll see how that pans out.

Have a great day.

Ang

Hi.

Today has been quite a day! Is my official one-year! Pretty much insane when you stop and think about how far I've come in only one year. Just looking at those pictures from day one in the hospital really hits it home!

So today has been a day of celebration. I made cupcakes to bring into work - funfetti, of course. But let's start at the beginning. I had Jimmy pick me up this morning and drive me to work at approximately the butt crack of dawn. Just a little extra precaution to make sure that I finally actually made it into work on the 18th of August. And he was nice enough to drop me off at the gym so I could still do yoga class this morning. Yoga was, of course, awesome! In the very beginning of class the teacher dedicated the class to me. And the best part of it was at the very end when we finished five minutes early and then proceeded to do the pig pose. The pig pose pretty much consists of stuffing your face full of cupcake while sitting in a yoga class. :-)

Then I got to enjoy a nice lunch with Jonah. We went and had Japanese food. Yum! And it has been pretty shocking the number of people who have taken time to say to me today how glad they are that I'm back. I am full of a nice warm and fuzzy feeling. And Jimmy agreed to take me home at the end of the day too. Then Josh and I have dinner reservations to have our own little celebration tonight. We're having dinner at Benihana. Should be tasty!

Don't think I've mentioned it yet but I finally got my Bioness! It is awesome! And I use it every day twice a day. I usually use it first thing in the morning when I get up and then try to cram it in somewhere else during the day too. When I first got it I started with 20 minute sessions. Now I'm up to one hour sessions. And I think it might actually be helping. It's supposed to be really good for tone management and God knows I need that!

Had a pretty big event this weekend too. Went out to my sister's house on the Kitsap Peninsula on Saturday to a BBQ. Food and company was great but I think my favorite part was all the animals. Got to see the pigs and piglets, the ducks, the goats, the turkeys, the dogs, and the cats. Freakin' fantastic! So cute!

That's just about all I've got for now. Hope you're having a good day.

Ang

Hi.

Things are going great here. Had a very busy week. Filled with lots of fun stuff. Monday night I dropped off Josh at the airport to go on a business trip. He went to Southern California to have a little taste of summer. So needless to say I spent the whole week partying it up, trying not to dwell on the fact that I was a single woman.

Tuesday was a great night for my friend Shannon came over and we got to hang out for a bit. Then Wednesday I went to the first TBI support group for young adults meeting for new group, that just formed at the UW. It was actually really great. There were other TBI survivors there, friends and family of those survivors, and even some educators of kids with TBI. And the group is led by a guy that I went to high school with. I never knew in high school that he had a TBI but I reconnected with him at the TBI conference this year a few months ago. I think the support group will be really good for me - it'll give me a chance to connect with other people who have TBI, get lots of information, and connect me with a lot of TBI resources. Then last night my friend Erin came over and we tried to watch a movie completely unsuccessfully because my Netflix took a big dump on me but we were completely successful with eating a very tasty dinner! Pasta with meat sauce, garlic bread, and Caesar salad. A feast fit for Queens!

And I did some really fun stuff with my mom yesterday. We got to go to JC Penney and do a little shopping. I got three T-shirts, one other shirt, and two hats. The hats are my favorite things! They are freaking awesome! I got one sock monkey hat and one bunny hat. Both are super cute! If and when you run into me do ask me about them. I have pictures of both of them on my phone. And goodness knows I'd love to show you. Plus before going to JC Penney, I got to go have a really nice lunch with Josh's mom. It was great! It was super nice to get to spend some time with her and connect. I think we just might make that a pretty common occurrence.

Now Josh is home. Yay! And we've got a dinner date with our friend Ted. Super tasty Mexican food is on the docket. Beacon Hill, here we come.

And no super huge plans for this weekend. Although I do have something I'm pretty excited about for tomorrow -there's a party at my sisters house and we're going to stop by. I'm most excited to see and hang out with my sister and I'm also pretty excited to squeeze at least one of her goats. I think she said she has three. So I'll be chasing and loving on livestock tomorrow. Don't know if it gets any better than that!

That's what I got for now. Talk at you later.

Ang

Hey there.

First things first, thanks so much for all the replies. It really is a good motivator for me to keep doing the blog.

I did watch the movie on The Case for Faith. It was great! I recommend it to anyone who has the question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I think it does a great job of looking at that in light of the fact that there is a God, even a good God. Just kind of hits home for me how we don't know God's master plan and we really falter when we try to make God's plan match our plan.

And in light of that, I think it is really cool how people are reading this blog who have never even met me. Wow! Makes me feel like this is part of God's big plan for this accident. I'm effecting the lives of perfect strangers through this struggle and making a difference even for them. Points out to me how I probably couldn't even grasp it even if I did get a peek at God's big picture. Whew!

And hey, Ali, I had your friend, Janet, as my OT for two weeks when my regular OT was on vacation. Small world, huh!?!?

As for the Bioness - it's getting set up for me on this coming Tuesday. And I'm super excited about it! I think it'll really be helpful for me. Although I am a bit nervous because my OT mentioned something about me wearing it at work too. Might be sort of cumbersome to drag it to work and back on the bus.

And work is going great, by the way. I even got to help Jimmy inoculate tanks yesterday. And I successfully blew the PBS out of 10 tanks employing the work around my OT and I came up with. Success! I feel pretty darn good about running my experiments now. I feel completely capable! Maybe not as fast as I used to be, but I still think I can get it all done. And Monday marks the dawning of a new era at work. I'm getting my own cells for the first time since the accident! A little nervous but mostly just excited. We'll see how it goes.

And a really cool thing I got to do this week - I got to talk to the husband who is part of the couple who stopped and helped me the day of my accident. They were the ones who saw me in the street, pulled over, called 911, and then waited with me until the medics came. They even moved their car to block traffic to make sure I didn't get run over. It was really nice to get to say "thanks". Both Josh and I got to thank him. I'm so glad he picked up! Turns out they have since moved but he is supposed to visit in the next few months and said he'd call us when he's in town so we can take him out to dinner. Yeah!

And Josh and I got a little taste of normalcy last night. I took Josh out for a date night. It was so nice! We went to El Quetzal - a top notch Mexican restaurant on Beacon Hill. And I made it a surprise and wouldn't tell Josh where we were going before hand. And then we ate so much we had to come home and take naps. :) That's how we do it, Sweet style.

That's about what I've got for now.

We're headed to a friend's house for a party today. And I think I'm going to take my "hardware" with me. My "hardware" is what they took out of my arm. This friend of ours offered to have one of his friends weld it together and make something out of it. And our friend came up with a pretty cool sketch up of how to make it into a cross. I think I'm going to take him up on that offer. I'll post a picture of it when I get it back.

Okay. Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hi.

Things are going pretty well here. Had a great weekend! My sister came and spent the night Friday night. AWESOME!!! She is RAD! I really enjoyed getting to spend some time with her and getting to know her a little bit. Then on Saturday we met up with my brother and his family and had lunch. Got to see my nephew, Angelo, again and boy, is he something else!!! He's talkative as all get out and cute as can be. He'll be one later this month. What a doll!

And I had a really good day at work today too. I got to help Jimmy with some harvests and it went surprisingly well. Turns out the work-around that my OT and I came up with works well to get the smaller tubing off a filter or a hose barb. Yeah! I'm beginning to think I might be able to do everything I could do before - it just might take me a little longer. The whole idea of having my own experiments is not quite so freaky any more. I think I can handle it.

And I did come to a new realization yesterday. I went to my uncle's house in Ballard and had a family dinner. When I got home I was spent! I don't know if it's because I drove myself there and back solo or if I coupled that with hanging out with a crowd. But I had to take a nap last night and when I woke up from it I just went to bed. Crazy! Especially considering it's been quite a while since I've had to nap. But this did hit home that if I get to this it is not an option for me to drive myself to therapy and then drive myself to work. Unless Amgen wants to pay me to sleep. Then it might be a possibility. And I found out one other thing yesterday too - it wasn't distracting for me at all to have songs I knew playing while I drove but I was super distracted by songs I didn't know on the radio. I think it might be that I can tune it out or just let it be background if it's familiar but if I don't know it then I am trying to divide my attention and pay attention to it. Which is not an option if I'm trying to drive. I think this might come up at work too. I can do lab work if something familiar is playing but I don't know if I'll be able to with the radio on playing songs I don't know. We'll see.

So all is well for the most part around here. I've been having little bits of struggle with where I'm at lately but they are relatively fleeting. I go through little bouts of being quasi depressed for a minute because I just imagine that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. It is never going to be easy or comfortable to walk again, my left arm is never going to go straight again, my arms aren't going to swing when I walk ever again, and my left side muscles are going to feel tight for the rest of my life. These things may be true but who knows. If you can make a minute, I would really appreciate some prayer here. Prayer for continued healing and to rest in knowing that I am in God's hands and He has a plan for me that is best for me. Prayer that I can let Him take the wheel and surrender myself to him would be great. It's just sort of weird and a little disappointing when I picture myself as a sixty or seventy year old woman who still can't put her arm straight or who still doesn't swing her arms when she walks. Just sort of a bummer.

Well, that's where I'm at. Hope y'all are well.

Thanks for keeping up.

And feel free to post any questions you might have. Heck, feel free to post. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone is still reading this. I keep getting feedback from people that they are, but posting here and there wouldn't hurt so I have tangible reminders that this is being read. At least by somebody.

Talk at ya later,

Ang

Hi.

It has been a great couple of days! We had a pretty laid-back weekend. Lots of rest so that was nice. And now we're onto a whole new fun filled and exciting week.

Monday was a HUGE day for me at work! I pretty much confirmed that I can still do my job. I sampled tanks, fed them, and even added glucose! I sampled for the first time since the accident and it went really well! Then I found a new way to feed the tanks and it worked pretty well too. I used a feed bottle and just balanced it on top of the tank next to the one I was feeding and then let gravity do all the work. Lucky for me it was a feed day when all the tanks needed glucose along with their nutrient feed. I then devised a workaround so I could feed glucose to the tanks with a syringe. It worked really well too! This was a pretty nice surprise since I had previously been pretty worried about no longer being an asset at my job. Pretty worried, who am I lying to, I think it's more accurate to say I was exceptionally worried! But not anymore! Aaaaahhhhh!

And yesterday I got some really good news - I'm actually finally going to get a Bioness system for my left hand. It's supposed to come in the mail sometime tomorrow. I can't wait! The Bioness hand unit is pretty much an e-stim device where you don't have to figure out where to place the pads in order to make it work. It will help me with opening and closing my hand and it will help teach me how to fight the muscle tone. I'm really excited!

Not too much else. So far working six hour days is going okay. I'm supposed to finally get to see my brother today so that should be nice.

Talk at ya later,

Ang

Hi.

Wow! Today was a great day! I'm up to working five hours M, W, F so today was a work day. I went to a great yoga class, as usual, and then headed into work. I had a really good meeting with my boss today wherein he assured me that even with a reduced speed on my lab work I am still a valuable employee. That is so nice to hear because I used to totally find my worth at my job through the insane amount of lab work I did. Now I know that it is not so much volume of work completed but also quality of work done. And it was GREAT today in the lab. Jimmy let me try sampling some of his tanks and I could totally do it! Hooray! It wasn't even all that hard. I'm not as quick as I used to be but I am 100% capable! I was pretty freaked about that. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle tanks any more. But now that I know I can run them I am much more at ease in general. Now I know that I can still be a worker bee in the lab. I was pretty afraid that I wouldn't be able to run tanks any more and then I was worried that I would no longer be an asset at work. But now I know that I can still do it, just less of it. Which really means just a more reasonable amount of it. WOO HOO!!! If that is not success, I don't know what is!

And it has been really nice getting to see my niece and nephew too. They are visiting from Alaska and I've gotten to spend a little time with them. We played Wii yesterday and we're making jam tomorrow and hopefully going swimming. And my niece was so nice today and went to the doctor with me and held my hand when I had to get a shot. What a gem!

I guess there's just one other piece of news that hits today out of the park - SoBo is on the way! Go Rach!

And yesterday went well too. Yesterday I had my qEEG. It was okay. Lots of goo on my head, but the lady said she got a good reading. In about three weeks I'll get a report about what was discovered. We'll see. But at least the groundwork has been laid for the neurofeedback. I'm really excited to start that!

And I finally got my butt in gear and went to gym at home yesterday too. It was really good. I was on the assmaster for 30 minutes at level 3. Pretty good for me! I have to say it was a pretty good feeling to be working hard enough that you can actually tell that you're not only sweating but you can feel drips of sweat running down your back. That is just solid confirmation that you're having a good workout. You are not wasting your time at the gym.

That's about all I've got.

I start 6 hours a day at work on Monday so that should be interesting. And I'm up for sampling all of Jimmy's tanks since he doesn't work Mondays. That should be really good. Now that I know that it's possible I'm not freaked out about it at all.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

Hola.

How you doing?

I'm great. Been a weird couple days the past few days. Yesterday was my first 5 hour day back at work. It was SHOCKING how much it took out of me! It's only one additional hour. But, wow, was I beat! I think my new way to try it is to skip cardio at the gym at work and just try to get in to actually working sooner. I definitely still want to go to the gym at work for my arm exercises with weights and yoga, but I think I might just try getting cardio in on the off days at the gym at home. We'll see.

And I spent a long time in the lab yesterday too. I was setting up more tanks and I tried some new stuff too. I tried blowing the PBS out of a tank for Jimmy. That used to be so easy but it is anything but any more! For those of you who don't know what that means, tanks have PBS put in them to keep the probes wet when they're prepped and then before you put cell culture in them you have to pressurize the tank and blow the PBS out so the tank is empty. Anyways, not easy anymore! At all! And the hardest part was trying to get the filter off the end of the tube. I'm going to take a similar setup into my OT appointment next week and see if they can help me come up with a work around. We'll see.

And all that difficulty was met gleefully by the general down in the dumps that was my attitude yesterday. I just kept feeling that I am already as better as I'm going to get. This is it so I shouldn't hope for anything more. And then it all got worked in (by the enemy) while I was praying for further healing and restoration that I am obviously ungrateful for how far God has brought me already. He really tried to get me feeling bad and like I haven't been grateful enough and due to that I really shouldn't get any more healing.

But I got to talk and pray through all of that with the ladies at my group last night. So take that, Satan!

Been a pretty good darn day thus far today! Josh worked from home and took me to my therapy appointments today so that's been nice. Even if I don't get to hang with him it really is just so nice and calming and comforting to know that he's here. Had PT and OT this morning. PT was ridiculously hard! I went forward and backwards on the balance beam today both regular walk and heel to toe! And then even once down standing sideways crossing one leg over the other! Holy you know what! Josh made a very good point when he said that he was VERY impressed since balance wasn't my strong suit even before the accident. :)

And I picked up the paperwork from the DOL about getting back to driving that my doc had to sign when I was in for therapy too. And I went to the DMV right by my house this afternoon and turned it in and they said I'm good to go! No requirement for me taking the driving test or written test over again! Yeah!!! So look out, I'll be back on the roads now!

And I learned a most valuable lesson this past weekend too. We saw Clay and Yvonne at Randy and Angela's baby shower and Clay and Yvonne had their daughter, Elise, with them. Elise is brilliant! She told me about making funfetti cookies. You make them out of the cake mix (which is my favorite). I just tried them and are they good!!! Ooooh, yum! Dangerous! I should probably get that whole cardio thing figured out before I get too into the funfetti cookies! :)

That's what I've got.

Talk at ya later.

Please, if you have any questions, ask away.

Bye.

Ang

Hi.

Things are well here. Kind of nice getting back in the grind of working. And work is going REALLY well! I've been doing lab work the past few work days and it has been surprising. It is definitely harder than it used to be but doable. That's all I can really ask for. I've been setting up more tanks and it's going a pretty good darn deal faster already. That new base bottle strategy works like a charm! I just attached 10 base bottles to tanks yesterday. And I think it was A LOT faster than last week!

Got to see some fam visiting from Italy last night. Big dinner at Epulo with lots of great company! It was really nice.

The other big mentionable from yesterday was a FANTASTIC yoga class in the morning. In general my left side has been feeling tighter lately and this yoga class hit the spot! It was awesome - I felt my left quadricep stretch in one of the poses for the first time since the accident. And I forgot to mention it last post but I had an additional little victory in yoga on Wednesday. I was able to do a halfway decent tree pose with my left leg. Before Wednesday it had been a pathetic excuse for a tree pose-wanna be.

And speaking of victories - I am (as of Wednesday) off all prescription drugs! Woo hoo! My spasticity seems to be acting up a smidge more but my plan is to try to remedy that by reinstating daily stretching. We'll see.

That's about all I've got.

Talk at ya soon.

Ang

Hey.


Sorry I've been absent for so long. My bad. Life is just getting busier. Another step back towards "normal".


Last post was Tuesday morning last week. The dawning of what turned out to be a GREAT day with Nate, Rebecca, Elliott, and Elizabeth. Nate, Rebecca, Josh, and I went to Coeur d'Alene for the day. What fun! We wandered through a bunch of shops, got a lemonade, and then we even got to take a sea plane ride over Lake Coeur d'Alene! It was really neat! And Rebecca got a really cute picture of me and Josh in the plane. Then in the afternoon we picked up the kiddos and went swimming at the hotel. Elliott has the best life jacket I've ever seen. It is such a pattern so that he can move around all he wants and isn't impeded by it at all. Cool! After swimming the adults headed out to dinner and Josh ate so much he made himself a little sick. He ordered ribs, baked beans, and cornbread and it was all fantastic! In my opinion the cornbread was most notable. It had about 1/4 inch thick topping on it that was some sort of brown sugar goodness. Delectable, for sure!


Then on Wednesday we drove home and I drove pretty much all the way from Moses Lake to Ellensburg! And it was really comfortable! Not sketchy at all!


Thursday and Friday were nice days of rest.


Then Saturday was freakin' awesome! We got to spend the day out at Snoqualmie Casino for Rumble on the Ridge. This was our first exposure to live cage fights and I certainly anticipate that it won't be our last. Most importantly, Demico pummeled his opponent and won by TKO at the tail end of the first round! Heck yeah! And I got to meet Demico and his wife after the fights. They had so much love for me when I first got hurt that it was nice to be able to say thanks and give a little love back.


And speaking of giving a little love back, I have a most super fun request of any and all of you keeping up on the blog - come celebrate life with me on August 28th at Feedback Lounge in West Seattle for my 1 year party. I can hardly believe I've almost it a whole year. Sometimes it seems like I've been recovering FOREVER and sometimes it feels like my accident was just yesterday. Check out this website to see the invite and RSVP: http://www.evite.com/pages/invite/viewInvite.jsp?inviteId=PGFWXELWAKIHDFPRNABQ&li=iq&src=email&trk=aei2


And other good news - I started working in the lab this week! I set up tanks for about 3 hours on Monday and about 1 and a half hours today. And the SUPER hard part that I found when I came and visited work in May I found a work-around for! I could not for the life of me figure out how to get a base bottle on in May and now I can. I totally developed a compensatory strategy on Monday and it continued to work today. Yesssss!


And I got my driving assessment final report in the mail the other day too. Now I just have to get the form from the DMV and get a doctor's signature before I am officially cool to drive. Look out - here I come!


And my last tidbit of fantastic news actually came about yesterday. I got to meet with a lady who is part of the big TBI study going on right now. They are funded by the NIH so it is a big one. Pretty cool if you ask me. Anywho, so I met with this lady as a recommendation of my primary TBI doc to become a candidate for the TBI Advisory Board. Awesome! And this lady told me that the advisory board listens to what's new with the study and helps direct the study twice a year. She also told me about community outreach stuff that's done to give information to the general public about TBI. I'm really hoping to get involved with that too. Should know more in a little more than a month. I get to meet with the PI for the study in late August. Freakin' SWEET!

Okey doke, that's what I got. Promise to be back sooner this time.

Bye,

Ang

Hey there.

How ya doing? I'm great. Spokane has been fabulous so far! And the freeway driving on the way over here was good to. Josh had me drive for about half an hour between Vantage and Moses Lake. Boy, was it windy! But I made it! And I even got to drive over the bridge that crosses the Columbia River. Success? I think so.

Anyway, we got here early Sunday evening and went out to the river to hang with Uncle Victor and fam. It was great! And we had some tasty Italian Sausage and pasta too! Yessssss! We got to see Aunt Suzette and a few cousins too. Then we went over to Annette and Rob's place on the river for a little visit. Awesome! Got to see more cousins, some of their kids, and Auntie Annette and Rob. Fantastic!

Then yesterday we went and visited with Gram and had a very nice lunch with her. And we got to go see Gramps after that. That was really nice too. They both look great!

And we got to have dinner with our friends over here last night and they're coming to hang to today too. Takes about a nanosecond to be reminded why we love them so much. You guys are the best!

Sort of funny because Josh keeps mentioning how he could live over here. That makes one of us. Hee hee hee. :)

Hope you all had a great and safe 4th. Talk at ya soon.

Ang

Hi.

Just have little day-to-day stuff for you this time.

Wednesday:
Good day. Went to work and got to go down in the lab and make plans for after 4th of July break. In case you don't know what 4th of July break is - Amgen gives us the whole week after the 4th of July off. It's our little summer shutdown. Anyways, made plans with Jimmy to help him with some lab work when I get back from break. I'm going to try to set up tanks for a few experiments he's got going up. Still don't really feel comfortable trying to run my own tanks since everyone I work with is pretty busy and it would just be adding stuff for them to do since I'm only there 3 days a week. Had a great yoga class and pushed it HARD doing cardio too. I actually felt my heart pounding in my throat. Whoo - that's some serious stuff!

Thursday:
Had a nice day. Went to OT and got a new splint for my left arm. This one serves the same purpose as my last splint by taking my extensor maximus for my thumb out of commission. Forces me to use my extensor minimus which really needs some help. If left to my own devices I hyper extend using the maximus when I want to straighten my thumb. This just makes that no longer possible to train me to go a different route. This new splint also goes up my forearm and keeps my wrist in neutral. My wrist likes to try bending in before I use it so this just takes that out of commission.

Friday:
Sort of like a ghost town at work the day before break. But another great yoga class. And then had a dentist appointment. Just a cleaning. Although it was sort of like time travelling to actually be nervous about going to the dentist. Haven't had that feeling in years. Going to the dentist has been just going to see my friend Lucy since I became friends with her. Lucy's been my dentist since I moved to West Seattle. Another great thing from Friday was getting a ride to work. A friend pulled over and picked me up at the bus stop on her way to work. Had a great visit with Erin and we talked about how life is, current struggles we're both having, etc. Got to pray for her and get prayed for by her too. What a great way to start a day!

And on to today - Saturday:
Just trying to prep for our Spokane trip mostly. Get to do some freeway driving on the way over. And Josh and I blitzed the house today. Just in time since we're hosting a little get-together to watch the UFC fights tonight. Hope Brock Lesnar gets knocked out! And I'm making corned beef for dinner too. Yum! Ooh, and I started a new adventure today too - new therapy stuff. I started tracing patterns I got from my OT with a marker using my left hand. Not too shabby. Definitely feels weird. So much wiggling! Who knew it would ever be this hard to just use my left hand?!?! It feels so out-of-control at times that it's almost like someone else's hand is doing the tracing. Kind of weird to actually see your own body parts moving around and not really feel like their yours at all. Here's how I did:

That's all I've got. Have a good 4th of July!

Ang

Hey there.

It's been a good day! Had my driving assessment today. Got a little worried about it - mostly just nervous. The man showed up and I did one neuropsych-type test with him. I think I did pretty well. Only got a few answers wrong. It was a weird visual, spatial test. One part of it you had to look at these pictures and there were similar ones below with holes missing. You had to be able to tell which one was exactly the same if the holes were filled in. And there was another part where there were four pictures and three were exactly the same but rotated and the other was exactly the same picture only the mirror image. You had to choose the mirror image. Whoo - talk about enough to wear your brain out. Then we did the driving part of the assessment and we took our car. Glad I've been practicing a little with Josh. I was pretty comfortable. We started out just on the neighborhood streets and worked our way up to arterial roads. Then the instructor told me to get on the West Seattle Bridge! I've not driven above 35mph yet so that was all new. Then once we were on the bridge I was about to ask where on 1st Ave S he wanted me to get off and he actually said, "Get on I-5 North." Holy you-know-what! I DID IT! I drove on the freeway! And I went all the way down to Olive and got off the freeway just to get back on going south! So back home we went. And then, the best part, once I was home and parked (not a small victory) we went back in the house and guess what the instructor told me?!?! He said I don't need any adaptive equipment for my car AND he said I don't need any lessons to improve my driving! Freakin' Sweet! He said I'm okay to drive! He's going to write a report that talks about his assessment of my driving skills and send it to me by the end of the week. I was freaked this whole driving thing was going to be a big pain in the butt. I was afraid that the assessment would be followed by seemingly endless lessons. But NO! All I need is this guy's report, a signature from my doctor that it's to officially make me okay to drive. The DMV might still want me to re-take the driving test but now I'm not scared even if I have to.

And Josh let me take the car solo to the bank today. Big step! In the desired direction! And I had to go to the bank because I got my Meow his birthday present today. Awesome! And we just pretended that today was his birthday so he got his treat today and he really liked it. Oh yeah, I'm the best wifey ever!

Really looking forward to our little Spo-Compton get away this weekend. Can't wait!

That's my big news. Talk at y'all later.

Ang

Hi.

Not much today - for real. Had a pretty laid back weekend. Got to have a whole date day Saturday. Josh and I got up in the morning and went to the Greenwood car show. It was neat. And has really grown! I remember when we went a few years ago and it seemed like it was only a few blocks long. This year it went from 67th to 90th! And I walked the entire way! There and back! It totaled up to about 3 miles! Holy you-know-what! That is no joke! And I have to say my favorite car was a black with red stripes Barracuda. Oh - the drool happens even just thinking about it.

After the car show we went out for dinner and saw a movie. Delish dinner and then we went and saw Johah Hex. At least Josh saw Jonah Hex. I fell asleep. :) I think all the walking at the car show wore me out. Then by the time we got home I sat on the couch for all of five minutes before I just caved in and retired to bed. And slept like the dead.

Got to practice driving a bit too this weekend. It was alright. My left arm seems mostly unusable in the car. I have my driving assessment tomorrow. We'll see what they say.

Then I was back at it at work this morning. Spent some time reviewing old experimental reports for the project I was working on when I got hurt. Wow! What a ton of work was done on this project! But it all seems to make sense so far so that's good.

That's about it.

Any questions?

Bye,

Ang

Hi.

Don't have much for ya today. Just been chugging along. That's a lie - I've got a HUGE thing to share today.

Thanks to Uncle Taub, I mean Uncle Mark, I've got a whole new challenge going strong today. I am now eating some with my left hand!!! It all started Thursday night when we had a big family dinner at Epulo. I was sitting next to Uncle Mark (who is a PT in Pennsylvania) and he wrapped a napkin around a spoon and asked me if I was willing to try out my dessert with my left hand. My dessert was a bunch of cut up strawberries in a pile of rosemary whipped cream so I decided to give it a shot. The spoon was WAY easier to use when it was wrapped with the napkin. Thanks, Uncle Mark! Anyways, I DID IT! And I didn't even spill. So as not to overstate what it was like, it was not dainty in the least. It was pretty much me holding the spoon in my fist and then opening my mouth as wide as I could and just barely managing to get the spoon in at a weird angle. It's not pretty but it works! And since then I've done it with applesauce Friday morning and night and I ate my yogurt Friday morning with my left hand too! Success? I think so. In a BIG way!

Didn't take up much space on the blog, but if I was telling you in person you'd know how big of a deal it is to me. This is HUGE! So maybe you should all just read it again. I'd probably repeat myself if you were listening to me, so that might be a good idea. :)

And that accomplishment has just been the tip of the iceberg in the near future. Yesterday morning I tried and was able to brush some of my hair with my left hand. Some I still can't reach because of the elbow, but I was able to reach some. And I think my plan is to start trying to brush my teeth with my left hand at night. And this morning I'm going to make the attempt to get all my medes out and ready with my left hand using my right hand as the helper. It'll be a big switch-a-roo but I think my brain needs to be reminded that I want more than helper status out of that left hand.

So that is my BIG news. Hope you all enjoyed it. Feel free to ask me to show you something new and crazy with my left hand when you see me next.

I guess another cool thing I can report is that I found out Monday last week in yoga that I can touch the back of my head with my left hand. I have to have my right hand help my left hand to get there, but I can reach. Putting my hair in a ponytail is not going to me a stretch goal for long! Woo hoo!

Hope this finds you all well. Have a great weekend.

Ang