Hey there.

Ah, yes - patience IS a virtue. Unfortunately, one that I am lacking.

I struggled and was sort of cranky yesterday with this whole botox thing while in PT and OT. Both therapists said they could feel a marked difference in the muscle tone but I was upset because I didn't feel any different. And this morning I do. I was doing my arm exercises in the gym this morning with weights and noticed a pretty marked difference. It is harder for me to hang on the weights while I do my exercises. One of my exercises is to do arm extensions up to about shoulder height with a 5lb weight. 3 sets of 10 is what I do. Thankfully, I've started using my 5lb wrist weight to help me stretch in yoga so I had it with me. I had to strap it on because I couldn't hold the 5lb weight for all three sets lifting the dumbbell up that high. And when I actually stopped to think about it, my left hand does feel a lot less spastic. It feels a lot looser and more pliable. Yeah!

I don't feel much difference in my foot but now that I've learned my lesson I'll just wait a little bit before coming to any conclusions.

The other weird thing I noticed this morning with my hand is that I am pretty much lacking now in grip strength. That's not true - it is just dramatically reduced. Especially pinch strength. I have OT again tomorrow and I'm going to try to get her to measure it so I have numbers to bolster my hunch. Goodness, I am SO data driven. I just LOVE the numbers! I know, I know - NERDY! Can't help it. It is what it is. Love it or keep it to yourself. It's just who I am.

And another thing that I think I forgot to mention on here - the other new difference I've noticed. Now when I do the grapevine - which, yes, I have to do often in therapy - I no longer catch my left foot on my right leg when I put my right foot in front of it. Could it be from neurofeedback? Who knows; but I'll take it!

And the whole neurofeedback thing is moving right along. Next two treatments I have Josh going with me and hopefully getting trained on how and where to put the sensors on my head. Then we're going to try to get a unit at home so I can do it three times a week. Maybe even for a couple years. Cool!

Let's see - that's about all the cool update-type stuff. I have some weird feeling-type stuff but I'll warn you now, if you don't dig that stuff just stop reading now.

For you update-only peeps, peace out.

For everyone else - welcome to my world of insanity. It's been pretty intense lately. I've been struggling a lot with guilt and what I believe to be lies and attacks from the enemy. I've been hearing the enemy loud and clear trying to convince me that I am ruining Josh's life. That he is sad and tired all the time because of me. That I only make things worse and make his life harder. Once in a while it even goes so far as to try to convince me that I should also feel bad that I am too chicken to just take care of it and either off myself or divorce him. These extremes are what really hits home for me that these are lies. But it's hard to hear anyways. And the attacks just seem to go on and on.

Had a pretty good and weepy ladies bible study on Monday night and talked through a lot of this. Then I went home and bawled to my husband about it some more. But at least now everybody knows exactly where I'm at. Part of the onslaught had been to just keep it to myself because sharing it just makes others suffer. Smart, huh?!?! If you're trying to get someone and really keep him (or her in this case) down it makes sense to have part of the whole ploy be to get him to isolate himself. He's smart, that one. And crafty. But also defeated. Thank you, Jesus!

So any prayers for protection and bolstering from the enemy would be much appreciated. Josh and I might even go talk to a pastor about it to try to get some more clout on our side. Never hurts.

Ok, so that's really about all I've got.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hola.

Holy Guacamole! I don't think I will EVER understand why ladies get botox by choice. It freakin' hurts! And I looked like a complete tattoo/piercing poser and cried. I got 11 shots total. 4 in my inner forearm on the left side, 1 in the meaty part of my left palm right at the base of my thumb, 2 in my left calf, and 4 just at the base of my toes on top of my left foot. If you were cringing as you read that it was completely appropriate. The most painful ones were in my palm and on the top of my foot. Yowza! And it's not even immediate gratification. I pretty much feel the same. I have noticed that when I sleep I often don't use my cucumber. My cucumber is a little foam padded thing that I usually hold in my left hand while I sleep. And it's green so it looks - well, like a cucumber to me. Hence it's name. And I noticed that when my hand does clench up it seems to be doing so differently because my fingernails aren't digging in to my palm anymore. So that's nice. The doc said that I should know if it's working in three or so days and it should have the maximum affect in one to two weeks. And then it should last 3 to 6 months. I'm thinking it must have some seriously profound effect or it is not worth getting all those shots again. We'll see.

Well, that's my botox update.

I do have to say - my left hand and foot are looking quite young and vibrant. :) It was pretty cute, when we went to breakfast with Josh's dad and step-mom yesterday his step-mom made the joke that I probably wouldn't be allowed in the bar because my hand and foot look so young. Hee hee hee. Pretty funny.

And one other big event - we officially booked our tickets. We are going to Alaska to be with my brother, his wife, and our Alaska niece and nephews for Christmas! Pretty exciting! And a little scary because my brother said we can expect it be somewhere between 30 degrees and 60 below. Yikes! But we're happy! It'll be my first time getting to use the note the doctors gave me about having plates implanted in my arm and face to get through security. That should be an adventure all it's own.

That's what I've got.

Have a good one.

Ang

Hi.

All is well here.

We had a great weekend last weekend! Took Dorothy (my sister) to Spokane to meet the fam. What fun! We got to have a really nice dinner out where an amazing number of family members all showed up to meet Dorothy. I think there was around 18 of us! It was AWESOME! We also got to visit Grandma's house and meet her tenant and we got to go to the assisted living place and visit Grandpa too. Plus we got to show Dorothy the family car lot and we stayed out at Victor and Suzette's. I don't think it could have gone any better. Perfect! It was really nice to see Dorothy connect with some of her cousins. She'll probably go back out and visit of her own accord in the future.

Ooooohhhh, and Dad helped Josh find another car. Yeah! Now I have the Outback all to myself and I can drive to work M, W, F. So nice!!! No more Metro for me. I actually get to work now about the same time I used to catch the bus. Driving takes at least 2 hours off my day. Oh so nice!!! Anywho, Josh got a Forester and Dad found us a great one.

The only thing looming on the horizon for me is that I get my first botox treatment in my left hand and left foot this Friday. I'm pretty freaked out to be honest but I get little sympathy. Not many out there who feel bad for me when I tell them I'm scared of needles with around 40 hours of tattoo work and a few piercings. But I am scared. I don't want it to hurt. And I really hope it works well for me. We'll see, I guess. But I did try typing again today on this blog entry to have a fresh reminder how hard it is for me. Then I'll really be able to tell the difference if the botox helps with that. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

That's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Good morning.

Things are moving along over here. Had my second neurofeedback appointment yesterday and got my qEEG results. The qEEG was the initial brain map they did of how my brainwaves look all over. The report is all Hz this and Mhz that so it doesn't mean much to me. But the part of the report that does mean something is the recommendation part. Looks like I was recommended for 50 neurofeedback sessions working on a whole mess of different things. Lots if them deal with anxiety and irritability and then different visual and spatial processing stuff and motor functions too. The two sessions I've had so far are supposed to be focused on helping me manage my anxiety and irritability and visual processing. Last week I only made it about 24 minutes and then I was so sleepy I had to stop, but this time I made it the full 30 minutes and it didn't make me super sleepy. And, I'm sorry, I somehow forgot to report the HUGE success that came after last week's session. Only one neurofeedback treatment and I could tap my toes on the left side. Even last Thursday morning in PT, before the neurofeedback, I was trying with all my might and it was SUPER hard. I would really exert a lot of effort and they would maybe raise a centimeter off the floor. Post neurofeedback I can tap them regularly. They lift up just like the right toes do! COOL! A little weird but I'll take it!

And I officially got cleared that I do not need a root canal yesterday so that was good news. My sensation in one tooth is definitely reduced but I'm not going to argue and beg for a root canal. No way!

And big weekend on the horizon - we're taking my sister to Spokane to meet my dad's side of the family. I'm pretty excited. Get to see Gramma, Grampa, Uncle Victor's whole family, and hopefully more fam too. Should be good.

Well, that's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hola.

How's it going? Going pretty well here. Had a pretty big darn success this morning. So I thought I might get on and share with y'all.

Anywho, in yoga this morning I made a switch. Rather than trying to be who I used to be and do what I used to be able to do I made the old switch-a-roo and accepted who I am now with a brain injury and stopped dangerously trying to do things the old way. We did pigeon today and I did it on the right side no problemo but when we were supposed to switch and do it on the left I did reverse pigeon instead of regular pigeon. Used to be that I fell into pigeon on the left and really freaked myself out and gave myself a good mind F-you-know-what. I just went forward and did what I could and didn't feel weird about it at all this morning. And, no, don't worry, Josh, this does not mean that I am giving up and accepting that I'll never do pigeon on the left again. It just means that where I'm at right now doesn't agree with pigeon on the left and rather than fighting that and freaking myself out a whole bunch I am adopting a work-around that doesn't scare me at all. And I think that is success! And I opted out of dolphin too. Instead of doing dolphin which really hurts my toes on my left foot I just went for a little downward facing dog. It was great! And I didn't freak out or get really scared or feel stupid or inadequate at all! Yesssssssssss!

And there was further success last night with Josh. We took some time and did some hard work on us. Took lots of energy but we had a really good talk about where we're at and where we're going. And I feel VERY comforted by the outcome! I don't know what I did to merit such an amazing husband but it must've been good! Joshua is one hell of a guy! And so is Jesus for working such amazing miracles in Josh! It is so funny how Josh's actions and attitudes through this whole adventure had to be directly from God. No confusion, downright miraculous the attitude and dedication has had toward me. He is my biggest supporter and pushes me to get as far as I can. He has been SO patient, loving, accepting, dedicated, patient, understanding, compassionate, caring, generous, helpful, encouraging, did I say patient?, and so much more. Thank you, Meow!

And completely non-important in comparison, we got new furniture this weekend too. We braved IKEA and got a new loveseat, chair, and ottoman. And then we got a chest as a coffee table from Pier 1, and some throw pillows from Target. Fantastical! Our couch is finally comfy and that's saying something! If you're in the neighborhood buzz up and if we're home we'll have you up to show you the new living room prizes. Best part is that cats are still afraid of the new stuff. They won't get on the couch or chair as of yet. Oh darn! Or not. I'm sure it's short-lived but I'll enjoy it while it's going on.

That's about all I've got.

Any questions?

Talk at ya later.

Ang

Hey there.

It's been a crazy week. Good, but sorta crazy. It was a VERY nice break to have an extended weekend. Especially since Josh took Tuesday off too so we got to just hang another day. Including a nice lunch with his Madre.

Monday was interesting. Went in and helped out at work for a few hours. Then went to the gym at home in the afternoon and tried to do my arm exercises. Smallest weights they have are 5lb so I couldn't do my wussy chest press or my scapula exercises. I usually do those with 2.5lb weights. So I did the assisted pull up machine to try to make up for my missed exercises. WOW! Was I sore Tuesday! Felt roughly like I'd been severely beaten in the lats for a few hours. Whew!

So, in my infinite wisdom, I listened carefully to my body and got back up on the machine and did them again on Wednesday. And I'm not nearly as sore today. Oh, I'm still sore, jut not AS sore. But it was kind of nice to have severe muscle pain from working out. Haven't had that in a while. Makes me feel that much closer "back to normal".

Then today I drove myself to Harborview for PT and OT this morning. Pretty good therapy today. OT was spent gardening with my therapist. We got to inaugurate the new therapy raised beds at Harborview. I was the first patient to get my hands dirty there and I helped plant six plants. Then I got a bunch of new exercises to do in PT. One of which is standing just on my left leg and then trying to raise myself up to be standing on my left toes. Hard! And so easy on the right side! I also got assigned practicing toe taps. So if you see me around and want to get down and dirty therapy-wise with me, do some toe taps with me. Then you'll also become keenly aware of some of my limitations from my brain injury. It's scary how pronounced the effects of the brain injury are in things as small and seemingly trivial as toe taps.

After Harborview this morning I had my first neurofeedback appointment this afternoon. It was interesting. I went in and got some sensors attached to my head and then the doc set up what he wanted those areas of my brain to do and I sat in this really comfy chair and played this solar system computer game with my brain. He started it up and said that it is all subconscious. So I didn't have to TRY and do anything. The game went such that a planet appeared and then it would replicate over and over. Once there were 10 planets they would combine to make a galaxy and you'd start over. It also beeped when I was doing what the doc wanted with my brain and the planets kept moving. When the planets paused it was because my brain wasn't doing what the doc wanted. Weird. But at the end of the session, marked by me getting really sleepy, the doc showed me some graphs of what my brain had been doing. There were two lines, a green one and a blue one and the graph started with the blue one on top and the green one below. The doc explained that what we were aiming for was for those to switch - for the green one to be higher and the blue one to be lower. And that's just how they were at the end of the graph. They kind of gradually got there over the course of the graph with little blips here and there on the way. So my brain was learning and doing exactly what we wanted it to. So that's good. The whole thing was pretty surreal. And it made me really tired. I almost fell asleep sitting right there. Onward - we'll see what next week brings.

That's pretty much what I've got.

Talk at y'all later.

Ang

Hi.

Things are going pretty well here. It's nice to have a weekend of relaxation and down time, that's for sure. And it all started off so nicely with a great dinner date with Josh's parents on Friday. Yum - Angelo's pizza! We had a really nice visit with them and enjoyed their company immensely. It was grand!

And then we took the car in to get loved on yesterday and we're doing birthday stuff with our nephew today. Should be great! And I'm going to work just a few hours tomorrow and then Josh took Tuesday off so we get to hang a whole extra day! Should be splendid!

I think one of the most enlightening parts of our soiree on Friday was talking with Burt and Marty and having them tell me how they have seen and noticed a really marked improvement in my speech lately. Pretty neat! And really nice feedback to get. I don't know if it's my actual speech so much as it has been a pretty solid improvement in my vocabulary, cadence, and delivery of speech. They said it's like talking to me before the accident. Awesome! Really great to get info from others that point to those kinds of successes! I can't pick up on that stuff on my own. So it was VERY nice to hear.

Don't have much else. Been feeling VERY blessed lately that I've been in pretty good spirits. Haven't had a "down" day in a while. Yeah! Thank you, Jesus!

Hope you're all well too.

Talk at ya soon,

Ang

Hey there.

Nothing too entirely big to report but I thought I would check in. I've had a challenging past few days. Let's start with Monday - I had quite a time in yoga. I can't do pigeon pose on the left side without help. And I am not very good at asking for help so I pretty much have to fall to get into the pose. Everything turns out fine but it is very scary for me and super frustrating. A big, fat reminder that I am limited and not back fully yet. And that was added to by attempting dolphin pose. Dolphin pose really hurts my toes now and I don't feel very comfortable or safe doing it. So I really just wanted to cry and leave yoga on Monday but I pushed through. Yesterday was super hard but I made some big progress in it too. I made progress by doing lots of driving yesterday, even in the pouring rain, and on the freeway. And by myself to boot. Unfortunately I also managed to misplace my hand brace at a Bartell Drugs of all places when I was buying cards. Then I went on with my day and went to an acupuncture appointment and didn't realize it was missing for about an hour and a half. And by the time I did realize I didn't have it I was late picking up my mom from the doctor and had a minor meltdown. Again, everything worked out fine but it was no fun while I was in it. And then today, another day of yoga trauma. Again with the dolphin pose - still just as hard and painful. But, SUCCESS, I did downward facing dog pose today! I needed help but I did it!

I've just generally been having a harder time lately. I'm stuck in this whole, "is this it? is this as far as I'm going to get" phase. I look back and realize that I have come FAR just in the past few months but I don't think I've ever been in this kind of head space before. I think it might just be an awesome side part of this stage of my recovery. I'm finally mentally at the place where I can doubt myself and ask these types of questions. But it's tough being here.

And it's dumb. I'm still moving. I haven't even started neurofeedback yet and who knows where that's going to take me?!?! And I'm still waiting but I'm all scheduled for botox at the end of this month. Who knows what that's going to do for me?!?! These two things could be HUGE. I can't beat myself up too bad with this stuff in mind. And it's nice that I'm in the TBI support group because this whole thinking pattern will certainly be something that I bring up at the next meeting. Maybe this is normal. Maybe I'm not the only who has these self-defeating thoughts. And now I am equipped with people I can reference and talk to who actually KNOW where I'm coming from.

Anyways, enough already. I'm sure you don't log on to the blog to attend my awesomely awesome pity parties. But thanks for hanging in there with me. I feel like I've really shifted even just insofar as the blog. I used to feel like it was really an update machine meant for the dissemination of information. And now I'm really using it as a forum for me to process. I'll still give you all cool updates but I really feel like this a great forum for me to work through stuff. You okay with that? Hope so.

Anyhow, too-da-loo.

Ang