Angela's Blog

Hey there.

Ah, yes - patience IS a virtue. Unfortunately, one that I am lacking.

I struggled and was sort of cranky yesterday with this whole botox thing while in PT and OT. Both therapists said they could feel a marked difference in the muscle tone but I was upset because I didn't feel any different. And this morning I do. I was doing my arm exercises in the gym this morning with weights and noticed a pretty marked difference. It is harder for me to hang on the weights while I do my exercises. One of my exercises is to do arm extensions up to about shoulder height with a 5lb weight. 3 sets of 10 is what I do. Thankfully, I've started using my 5lb wrist weight to help me stretch in yoga so I had it with me. I had to strap it on because I couldn't hold the 5lb weight for all three sets lifting the dumbbell up that high. And when I actually stopped to think about it, my left hand does feel a lot less spastic. It feels a lot looser and more pliable. Yeah!

I don't feel much difference in my foot but now that I've learned my lesson I'll just wait a little bit before coming to any conclusions.

The other weird thing I noticed this morning with my hand is that I am pretty much lacking now in grip strength. That's not true - it is just dramatically reduced. Especially pinch strength. I have OT again tomorrow and I'm going to try to get her to measure it so I have numbers to bolster my hunch. Goodness, I am SO data driven. I just LOVE the numbers! I know, I know - NERDY! Can't help it. It is what it is. Love it or keep it to yourself. It's just who I am.

And another thing that I think I forgot to mention on here - the other new difference I've noticed. Now when I do the grapevine - which, yes, I have to do often in therapy - I no longer catch my left foot on my right leg when I put my right foot in front of it. Could it be from neurofeedback? Who knows; but I'll take it!

And the whole neurofeedback thing is moving right along. Next two treatments I have Josh going with me and hopefully getting trained on how and where to put the sensors on my head. Then we're going to try to get a unit at home so I can do it three times a week. Maybe even for a couple years. Cool!

Let's see - that's about all the cool update-type stuff. I have some weird feeling-type stuff but I'll warn you now, if you don't dig that stuff just stop reading now.

For you update-only peeps, peace out.

For everyone else - welcome to my world of insanity. It's been pretty intense lately. I've been struggling a lot with guilt and what I believe to be lies and attacks from the enemy. I've been hearing the enemy loud and clear trying to convince me that I am ruining Josh's life. That he is sad and tired all the time because of me. That I only make things worse and make his life harder. Once in a while it even goes so far as to try to convince me that I should also feel bad that I am too chicken to just take care of it and either off myself or divorce him. These extremes are what really hits home for me that these are lies. But it's hard to hear anyways. And the attacks just seem to go on and on.

Had a pretty good and weepy ladies bible study on Monday night and talked through a lot of this. Then I went home and bawled to my husband about it some more. But at least now everybody knows exactly where I'm at. Part of the onslaught had been to just keep it to myself because sharing it just makes others suffer. Smart, huh?!?! If you're trying to get someone and really keep him (or her in this case) down it makes sense to have part of the whole ploy be to get him to isolate himself. He's smart, that one. And crafty. But also defeated. Thank you, Jesus!

So any prayers for protection and bolstering from the enemy would be much appreciated. Josh and I might even go talk to a pastor about it to try to get some more clout on our side. Never hurts.

Ok, so that's really about all I've got.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Talk at ya later.

Ang