Sorry, couldn't get the results to post. Just let me know if you're interested and I can try again.

Wow! Thanks for all the responses. I am definitely motivated to keep up the blog.

Been a busy few days around here. I had my neuropsych test results yesterday as well as an awesome birthday dinner at El Gaucho. If you're interested in the test the next post is a copy of the notes my mom took. All in all it didn't go too bad and dinner was fantastic! It was a little surprising that the area I need to work on most is high level organization. I have always been so psycho, anal about being organized. I think they're talking about on a different level. Should be interesting to see how I do, especially going back to work. Oh yeah, another thing to stress about.

Besides the neuropsych results I got to go to the pool and walked the length of Southcenter 5 times. Lots of work but fun too. And right now, Mom, I'm using my left hand to help me type this. So that's progress!

And Josh and I survived his first business trip since the accident. It was hard but we made it. Thanks for helping out so much, Mom. But he's home now so that's good.

Nothing huge coming up in the next few days. Mom's scotch party is tonight and I'm looking forward to lunch with my boss on Monday. Should be a good time and hopefully it'll put at least some of my work stress at ease. We'll see.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

Hola!

Nothing big and fun to report about the last few days - except that my formerly lacerated kidney has healed completely. So that's good. And I got my first ever that I can remember IV when I went in for the kidney test. They injected some weird radioactive juice into my arm and then watched it as it went through my kidneys and into my bladder. I tell you one thing, that was the biggest pee that I've ever taken was when that test was done! It was my first and hopefully only Austin Power's pee. Whew!

That's about the only thing noteworthy from this week. There have been other little successes like upping weight/reps in the gym. And sometimes upping both. I also turned up the tension on the torture device last night. Woo hoo! More pain!

That's about all I've got. Besides wondering if anybody is reading this even more. If you are out there lone-reader, leave me a comment so I know you exist, please. Just don't want to be typing for the sake of typing. Let me know if you're enjoying it too or getting anything from it. Definitely want to keep it up if it's serving somebody in some way.

Okay. Thanks.

Ang

Wow - I made 2 big steps yesterday!!!

The first was something I've been waiting for but didn't expect anytime soon. I was actually thankful for my accident last night! Every Christian knows temporally that apart from Christ you are dead but He slow-pitched to me to give me concrete proof. Apart from Christ I am dead on Delridge. He is the one who kept me alive, woke me up from my coma, and has been carrying me ever since. I just feel really lucky to know that without a doubt. So not only am I thankful for my accident but I can even see it as God's grace. What a trip!

The other big thing yesterday was not quite so good. I think I've officially retreated to the sad phase. Mostly I'm just having a real hard time with how hard this has all been on my husband. I just wish I could take it away from him. I wish I could be better and take care of him. Just feeling like a burden again. Kinda sucks but at least I know it's not truth. I know that he is happy to take care of me. Hell, he's just glad I'm not dead. But it's still hard.

Well, I think that's all I've got for now.

Bye.

Ang

Boy, this week has been a whirlwind!

Started out with the neuropsych test. Which was intense! And unfortunately took 2 days to get through. Tuesday was 7 hours of testing and a 2 hour interview with some doctors. Whew - big day. Then I had another 2 1/2 hours of testing on Wednesday. It was sort of fun but I was surprised at how tired I was at the end of the day on Tuesday. And some of the questions were super dumb. Like what is the circumference of the earth? And how many minutes does it take for sunlight to reach the earth? Who knows??? TBI or not I don't know the answers to those questions. But I did get to represent us science nerds pretty well when the lady administering the test asked me at what temperature does water boil and I told her in both Fahrenheit and Celsius. I even called my boss to tell him about that. All in all I think it went pretty well and I get to find out on Friday. I think I'll be okay as long as I get above 90th percentile. Any lower and that is just too foreign for me.

Let's see, what else this week? Success at the gym on Thursday. I did one set of assisted pull ups and 10 minutes on the stepmill. Plus I did 10-10-12 on the shoulder press machine. Pretty darn good. And then I was able to hold a 5 lb weight in my left hand and raise it out to the left for 3 sets of 10 too.

Then I went to the dentist and got told I can wait for the root canal. I guess the nerve damage to the left side of my face makes it unclear if I need the root canal for sure and if I need any other ones too. I think we're just going to check again in 6 months.

I also earned Josh and I a free dinner on Thursday. Josh's dad and stepmom came over and Josh's dad said he'd buy dinner if I could run up the stairs. So I hauled butt and pretty much did. And boy was that dinner tasty!

Last night we got to go hang out with Billy and Sharon at their house. Delicious dinner again to say the least. Plus I got some acupuncture and we watched a movie. Pretty fun.

And then this morning I did something else all new again. I cooked breakfast! I made a hash brown patty that we shared plus I made us both toast. Mine had cream cheese and smoked salmon on it and Josh's was just buttered. Then I made some juice (from frozen concentrate) and had a smoothie. Plus I was able to make Josh some scrambled eggs. It was almost like old times again. A little more work with the left hand but it paid off. Breakfast was great and it felt really good to take care of my husband.

Today started with sleeping in and is shaping up to be a pajama day. Yesssss!!!!! Not too much on the docket for next week. I have a urology appointment at Harborview on Tuesday. I was slow in scheduling it because I didn't know why I needed it. Finally I learned it is follow up for my lacerated kidney so I put it in the cue. Then Friday I have the neuropsych read out which I'm pretty interested in. Not much else besides OT and pool therapy.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

Hi.

It's me, again. As though it would be anybody else. Doing okay. Definitely in transition right now, but doing okay. I think I'm sort of getting used to Josh going to work. Not fun but getting used to it. Kind of makes me long fort the weekends even more.

But I did have a whole new experience yesterday. Didn't even take my cane to church. Then, as we were walking out I felt unnervingly comfortable walking. Felt super steady and it felt like my walk was pretty good. Surely gave me hope that someday walking might be automatic again. Kinda crazy to think that walking would ever be something tough!

And I set a new goal for myself. I want to be able to put my own hair in a ponytail. Seems kinda lofty right now but I've got it in my sights. Makes me think about how playing with my hair used to be so automatic and re-ponytailing it used to come with no thought. Oh to have those days again. Makes me realize how much is taken for granted. Every little thing is assumed to be something you just have - until it is all gone. Then you start pining over everything. It's a trip, that's for sure.

Big news for this week - I've got my neuropsych evaluation tomorrow. And it is going to be a long day. Goes from 8am to 5pm. I'm not too freaked out about it. Sort of looking forward to it as twisted as that is. Should be a whole day of puzzles which I like. Although I'm sure I'll be plenty tired by the time it's over.

That means today is a day of rest. Minimal therapy crap to do today and I don't have to wear the torture device. Yeah!

Speaking of the torture device, it has taken on a whole new life. I try to wear it while I sleep now. Can be pretty painful but I'm able to wear it for 6 hours now. It is a little disconcerting to actually be woken up by pain. Never had that before, at least not that I can remember. I'm sure it happened in the hospital at least once.

That's all I've got for now.

TTFN.

Ang

Today is my birthday - na na na na na. Happy birthday to me - na na na na.

Today is shaping up to be great. I got to sleep in with Josh this morning and then he made me breakfast. When we get going we're headed to Palomino and maybe a movie. Should be a good day.

In general doing okay. Still a little depressed that my left side isn't working yet. My arm and leg feel really heavy and the left side of my face still feels stiff. Oh well, baby steps. I am still seeing mini progressions every now and then. On Monday my face itched while I was stretching and I was able to itch my eye with my left hand. That was a success!!!

Yesterday my mom took me to the pool for pool therapy and she even got in with me! It was awesome! Thanks, Mom!

Josh starts his new job tomorrow so that should be tough. Especially since he has to be in the office every day for six weeks. Yowch! That'll be tough on both of us! I certainly will miss him!

That has been my biggest worry lately - heading back to work. It seems like March/April is right around the corner. I think I'm mostly just freaked out that I won't be able to do my job any more. Or worse that I'll get back and they'll find out how reduced I am and fire me. Should be a trip and will definitely be a challenge.

Still trying to figure out the maze that is outpatient therapy. We'll see how that goes. And of course there's the whole added hoop to jump though of the Harborview/Aetna contract dispute. Prayer on this front would be much appreciated.

Don't think I have anything else for right now.

Thanks for reading,

Ang

Figured it was only a matter of time until I got here, but I am here now for sure. Mostly just tired. And beat up. And even though I've never entertained the thought before just giving up seems more and more appealing. I'm still not there yet, but it is sounding nicer and nicer. Oh how I would love to just lay in bed all day and not have to work so hard in therapies. It is almost worth resigning to be crippled the rest of my life. But not quite. Plus I can't quit now because it would be so unfair to Josh. He's worked so hard helping me and taking care of me so I can get better. But from a realistic perspective this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. It hurts and it takes so much time and most of the time I don't feel like I'm getting any better. Other people seem to notice improvements but I am my worst critic. Guess I'll have to work on that some too. What don't I have to work on?!?!

But I do think I've resigned to never getting back to "normal". I'm working a lot right now on being able to walk without my cane but I can't even imagine ever having walking feel "normal" again. I just have to think so much about it right now. Maybe it will come. After all I used to have to really focus to be able to go up the stairs and now it's pretty much the only thing I find easy. So I guess that's hope. But however life does pan out after this I think "normal" is a long shot. I've changed too much and so has Josh for us to ever be "normal" again. Hey, maybe we'll be "better".

Stuff I need prayer for: 1st and foremost - PATIENCE! With myself, my healing, and everything. I keep getting bogged down in not feeling like I'm getting any better, even though I am. I think I am just looking for grandiose improvements rather than little ones. Kinda setting yourself up for failure when success looks like complete healing and nothing less. Oh well. I definitely need prayer on this front.

Thanks,

Ang

The last few days have been better. Not that it takes much, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Even a little bit better is welcome.

Josh has been home with me the last few days. It makes me feel much better. Although tears prevailed today despite him being here. Bummer. Today I was sort of overwhelmed with feeling like less of a person than I used to be before my accident. I tried to fight that off with the knowledge that I am not viewed as less of a daughter of God now than before. That helped.

I've been pretty frustrated lately with seemingly everything reminding me that I am still hurt. Every morning I wake up and go through my mental checklist. Unfortunately every morning I'm disappointed discovering that my pins and needles are still there on my whole left side, my arm is still hard to move, my leg is still hard to move, and my face still feels frozen on the left. Sort of a hard way to wake up. And it just seems to set the stage for the hard day that follows.

Yesterday I made tiny progress. I made it almost 45 minutes in my terminator brace so that's good. And every time I go over my progress with my mom and/or Josh they seem so much happier than me. They unfortunately can remember how bad off I was at the very beginning of all this so they see how far I've really made it. I can't remember any of that so I don't have a good point of reference. All I can compare to is before all this crap happened which is just sort of depressing because I am so far from there. Oh well, just keep going I guess.

I keep daydreaming about when this is all just a memory. I can't wait for that. And one of my friends gave me a good outlook on that because she said her dad had only 1 hand when she was growing up and she hardly even noticed it. It was just normal for her. It never scared her or anything. I've been sort of scared about how if I do get better, I mean when I do get better, once I have kids they are going to think my elbow is freaky. As the swelling keeps going down the screws and brackets are sticking out even more. See...

Kinda crazy, huh?!?!

And here's my two braces I'm living with now. Again, ultimate reminders of how hurt I still am. The first is the torture device. I'm up to 4 hours in it now. Boy, does it hurt. The 2nd and 3rd are the terminator. That one sure is a trip.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

What a crazy couple of days it has been!!! Josh going back to work was harder than I even thought it would be. Wow!!! I try to console myself by just laying in bed crying every morning and snuggling his empty side of the bed. It is really hard! And it hasn't gotten any easier yet. Although I find the rest of my day is better if I just have a good, hard cry first thing. Then at least I don't spend the rest of the day fighting back tears. Sometimes I do anyway, but it seems to help at least a little to let it out in the morning.

All kinds of stuff happening too. Lots of big, new, first steps. All week my mom has been with me but today she had an appointment and had to leave. It's the first time I've been left all alone without someone coming back soon. It was pretty scary. But I survived. Lots of tears today, that's for sure. And then I went to pool therapy for the first time without Josh. Also really scary. Lots of tears for this too. But now I'm home from the pool, I have to shower, and then I'm all alone just waiting for Josh to come home from work. Again, you guessed it, more tears.

And I'm trying to gear up for all sorts of other kinds of changes too. I finish Rehab Without Walls next Friday and then have to figure something out for outpatient. Again, scary! Especially since I don't know if insurance is going to cover it at Harborview. So it might either be pay a pretty penny or try to explain all about my accident to some new doc who doesn't even know me. Never a dull moment. Any prayer surrounding this transition would be much appreciated. I know God'll put me right where I need to be, but it is stressful and scary nonetheless.

I think that's about all I've got for now.

Thanks for keeping up,

Ang

Back again...

Doing better than last time I wrote. Only a little but better. Still been crying a lot. Seems like all day now and it even starts for seemingly no reason. Oh well, I think I have enough reasons to get me through this whole life.

Been doing lots of therapies once again. Going walking tomorrow without my brace or my cane with PT. Hope it goes well. Doing lots of work with my left arm in OT. I've got 2 braces now. My torture device is the one that's supposed to stretch my arm out. Wow - it hurts! I'm up to 4 hours on that one. The other one doesn't really hurt but it looks crazy. Makes me look like Robocop or Terminator. It is helping me grasp (mostly balls) and move my hands around. I'll put up pictures of both braces soon. I made a new record with the Terminator brace today - I wore it for 40 minutes. Not too shabby.

Get to start a whole new chapter tomorrow - Josh heads back to work. I've been crying a lot about that the past few days. I'm excited for him but also scared and it'll be a big transition. Thankfully Mom'll be coming over pretty much every day to help me out.

And that's not the only transition. My Rehab Without Walls is over next week and then I'll be starting outpatient. Another scary thing and a fight with the insurance is sure to ensue. Oh well, I know God has put me where I best belong every other step of this process I just know He'll come through again. If I've got Him backing me up how bad can it really go?!?! And lastly, my birthday is next Thursday. Plenty of people thought I wouldn't live to see another so it's good news I guess. Who knows what the next year has to bring? Hopefully lots more healing.

That's about all I've got for now.

Have a good one,

Ang

Boy, I sure have been having a hard time lately. I've been struggling pretty mightily with - well with just about everything. Today I feel like I've been crying on and off all day. I've been struggling with feeling like everyone I know and love is sad because of my circumstances and no matter how hard I work I just can't seem to be okay or get better. Pretty sucky - that's for sure. I used to be able to make my husband feel better when he was sad and now I just feel like I make him sadder. And if I'm not doing that I feel like I'm busy being sad myself which just makes him more sad. I talked with him about it and he tries to reassure me that we are in this together and that he'll stand by me. But nevertheless I just cry more and make him more sad.

Earlier this week I was having a pretty hard struggle with how I feel like I look. I don't feel pretty any more because the left side of my face feels frozen from the paralysis I woke up from my coma with. I know it doesn't look saggy but it feels like it does. That's been pretty tough too.

And today I had a whole new struggle - am I not feeling okay because I lack faith??? Do I just not trust God enough??? I don't think that's it. Honestly, I think that's the enemy but it is still a hard question. I certainly don't feel okay and that is no fun at all. I feel sad, and mad, and scared. I just wish I was okay. I wish this wasn't so hard. And I wish it wasn't taking so long to get better. I am tired. Though I am a long way from giving up. I still have some fight left in me - that's for sure. We'll see how long it lasts and how far it takes me. Hopefully all the way to better. I'm pretty optimistic about that. I was never any good at giving up.

Wow - happier? I can't imagine so. But thanks for hanging in there with me. God knows I need it right now.

Happy New Year. Won't take much for 2010 to be a lot better than 2009. Hope it's all you want it to be too.

Ang