Angela's Blog

Figured it was only a matter of time until I got here, but I am here now for sure. Mostly just tired. And beat up. And even though I've never entertained the thought before just giving up seems more and more appealing. I'm still not there yet, but it is sounding nicer and nicer. Oh how I would love to just lay in bed all day and not have to work so hard in therapies. It is almost worth resigning to be crippled the rest of my life. But not quite. Plus I can't quit now because it would be so unfair to Josh. He's worked so hard helping me and taking care of me so I can get better. But from a realistic perspective this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. It hurts and it takes so much time and most of the time I don't feel like I'm getting any better. Other people seem to notice improvements but I am my worst critic. Guess I'll have to work on that some too. What don't I have to work on?!?!

But I do think I've resigned to never getting back to "normal". I'm working a lot right now on being able to walk without my cane but I can't even imagine ever having walking feel "normal" again. I just have to think so much about it right now. Maybe it will come. After all I used to have to really focus to be able to go up the stairs and now it's pretty much the only thing I find easy. So I guess that's hope. But however life does pan out after this I think "normal" is a long shot. I've changed too much and so has Josh for us to ever be "normal" again. Hey, maybe we'll be "better".

Stuff I need prayer for: 1st and foremost - PATIENCE! With myself, my healing, and everything. I keep getting bogged down in not feeling like I'm getting any better, even though I am. I think I am just looking for grandiose improvements rather than little ones. Kinda setting yourself up for failure when success looks like complete healing and nothing less. Oh well. I definitely need prayer on this front.

Thanks,

Ang