Angela's Blog

Hey there.

Nothing too entirely big to report but I thought I would check in. I've had a challenging past few days. Let's start with Monday - I had quite a time in yoga. I can't do pigeon pose on the left side without help. And I am not very good at asking for help so I pretty much have to fall to get into the pose. Everything turns out fine but it is very scary for me and super frustrating. A big, fat reminder that I am limited and not back fully yet. And that was added to by attempting dolphin pose. Dolphin pose really hurts my toes now and I don't feel very comfortable or safe doing it. So I really just wanted to cry and leave yoga on Monday but I pushed through. Yesterday was super hard but I made some big progress in it too. I made progress by doing lots of driving yesterday, even in the pouring rain, and on the freeway. And by myself to boot. Unfortunately I also managed to misplace my hand brace at a Bartell Drugs of all places when I was buying cards. Then I went on with my day and went to an acupuncture appointment and didn't realize it was missing for about an hour and a half. And by the time I did realize I didn't have it I was late picking up my mom from the doctor and had a minor meltdown. Again, everything worked out fine but it was no fun while I was in it. And then today, another day of yoga trauma. Again with the dolphin pose - still just as hard and painful. But, SUCCESS, I did downward facing dog pose today! I needed help but I did it!

I've just generally been having a harder time lately. I'm stuck in this whole, "is this it? is this as far as I'm going to get" phase. I look back and realize that I have come FAR just in the past few months but I don't think I've ever been in this kind of head space before. I think it might just be an awesome side part of this stage of my recovery. I'm finally mentally at the place where I can doubt myself and ask these types of questions. But it's tough being here.

And it's dumb. I'm still moving. I haven't even started neurofeedback yet and who knows where that's going to take me?!?! And I'm still waiting but I'm all scheduled for botox at the end of this month. Who knows what that's going to do for me?!?! These two things could be HUGE. I can't beat myself up too bad with this stuff in mind. And it's nice that I'm in the TBI support group because this whole thinking pattern will certainly be something that I bring up at the next meeting. Maybe this is normal. Maybe I'm not the only who has these self-defeating thoughts. And now I am equipped with people I can reference and talk to who actually KNOW where I'm coming from.

Anyways, enough already. I'm sure you don't log on to the blog to attend my awesomely awesome pity parties. But thanks for hanging in there with me. I feel like I've really shifted even just insofar as the blog. I used to feel like it was really an update machine meant for the dissemination of information. And now I'm really using it as a forum for me to process. I'll still give you all cool updates but I really feel like this a great forum for me to work through stuff. You okay with that? Hope so.

Anyhow, too-da-loo.

Ang