Angela's Blog

Good morning.

Here we are at party day. The big one year party is in about four hours. And I figured I'd use this as a good forum to try to process what's going on on the inside. So hang in there with me, please.

I'm excited about the party. But I'm pretty nervous too. I feel like this is going to be the first big test of where I'm at brain-wise. Before the accident I would have loved every second of it - I would have been going a mile a minute and I would have been involved in as many conversations as possible all at the same time. But today I think it's going to be a little different. I'm going to have to go with one conversation at a time and I know that it tires me out to be in crowds now. Mom and Josh have been assigned the "watch my eyes" task. I don't really get it but they say my eyes look different when I'm getting worn out. So their job is to help me take breaks before the complete meltdown. And as weird as this might sound to everyone besides me - the plan for "breaks" is for me to go sit in the car by myself.

I am pretty darn freaked out about the party. I'm really glad we're doing it - I want to say thanks to everyone who's been on this adventure with us. But I am just worried that I'm not going to be able to handle it. I know it's going to be pretty much an entire afternoon of saying hi to different people and giving hugs. But that's exactly what I'm worried about - what if I can't switch gears like that any more. What if just saying hi and giving hugs is too much for me. That will be really hard. It'll be hard because of the situation but it'll be REALLY hard because it would be SO different than before. Then I'll really have to come to terms with the truth that this brain injury has changed me A LOT. And I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for that. I've been living in my own little world where I feel like I'm "back to normal" brain-wise. I get everything at work and I don't feel like my ability to think is really all that different than before the accident. I just live in this little world where I consider physical limitations as my biggest challenge. What if that's not it? What if there's more brain issues than I thought? I think that'll be really hard for me. I don't want to feel handicapped mentally. And up to this point I've managed to convince myself that I'm not. But what if this type of situation throws all that to the wind. I think I might have to go see someone (shrink wise) if this is really hard for me. I'm pretty sure it'll freak me out that much.

So anyways, now that I'm sitting here typing and crying, I think it is time for me to go. I'm going to go sit and have some good prayer time about this. I need Jesus! I feel weak and vulnerable. And God can protect me and get me through this.

I'll let you know how it all went.

Have a good one. And maybe I'll see you in a few hours.

Ang