Angela's Blog

Welcome back.

How have you been? Hopefully well. Life has been a little less than easy for me lately. The past few days I've really been feeling like I've been going in reverse in terms of recovery. Moving around has been tougher and my whole left side has really felt heavy and burdensome. Plus I've been having to go to bed really early and by "having to go to bed" I mean HAVING to go to bed. Like I just stop functioning. I can't keep my eyes open any more. It's been tough for me. Because I thought my stamina and energy levels were improving but it has been hard lately. I haven't even really been able to hang with my husband much lately. On work days when I get home I'm pretty done. And on non-work days just about the time he gets home I'm pretty done. And that just adds fuel to the "life is hard" fire. Because when I don't even get to spend time with him then I feel like a bad wife and all sorts of other lies along those lines creep up.

Needless to say life is hard right now in the Sweet household.

And then I do totally weird stuff sometimes too. Like I remember waking up last night and calling for Josh and then I couldn't tell him what I needed. I don't remember why I couldn't I just remember that I couldn't. And then I was asking him some weird questions that didn't make any sense when he asked if I wanted him to take my torture device splint off.

And cue the feeling like a crummy wife again. I cannot even imagine being married to me. Never a dull moment. Seems like a perpetual whirlwind of swirling needs and wants and dos and don'ts.

And then at church this morning was a sermon about mistrust. And it became abundantly clear to me that I don't trust God's timing. I think He's wrong. I just do not understand how this timing could possibly be what is best for me or have my best interest in mind. I feel like I have suffered long enough. I've had and continue to have pins and needles for over a year now. Come on, how can that possibly be best for me?!?!

I trust God that He is in control. And His "plan A" is what is best for me. I just really don't understand. And now I'm becoming aware of where I need to be in repentance for my wicked heart in acting like I am god. Surprise, surprise - I am not. Nor do I deserve to be. And I know in my heart of hearts that He is right here with me and carrying me through both the good days and the bad. Thank you Jesus!

So I know that my true north is still pointing north I just think I have some sin causing me to waver around. All in all I am having a hard time. God's "plan A" while being the best for me hurts like heck! And it's no fun to sit in hurt. But here I am. Prayer for quick and thorough repentance and for continuing to lean into God to carry me is much needed. Also some prayer for steadfastness and patience would be great too.

Thanks much.

Ang