Angela's Blog

Good morning. Or not so good.

Fair warning, if you read this blog to hear about progress or other uplifting things - skip today. And Dana, get your bible out and get ready to whack me me in the head. I am not doing so well. At all. Can't have too many days without feeling in the dumps or it just gets boring. Or something like that.

I am not in a good place. Mostly I just feel like a big, dark, black raincloud that goes around dumping misery and pain on all I come in contact with. Not fun. To feel like this or to be this person. I mostly just feel like a big piece of crap. I feel like I used to be fun and lighthearted and like that is all gone now. Now I just feel like I make people sad and require more energy than ever before. Especially for my husband. I've heard him say, and I believe, that he would have been worse off if I had died. At least at first. But now I just feel like a huge energy suck and that he has to settle everyday with loving the handicapped me. I feel really bad for him. It must really suck to be married to me. I can't take care of myself, I can't remember anything, and I need to be driven around all the time. Doesn't sound like much fun. And it's not that I don't feel like I deserve to be loved anymore, I just have a lot more understanding for people who don't have it in them. Loving me seems like a pretty one-sided thing right now. Yeah, I think about other people and do what I can to help out - it's just not much. And the good feelings knowing someone is thinking about you only go so far.

And another struggle, as though I need more, is my left hand. I feel really handicapped not being able to make my hand do what I want. Sometimes the fingers get stuck clenched and I can't straighten them out. Other times I can't grab what I want to. Pretty lame. And there's all these OT exercises I'm supposed to do but I just haven't been doing them because they remind me how hurt I still am and just make me want to cry. And I haven't even been able to tell my OT yet. Guess that's on the docket for this week. Oh boy.

All in all I just feel like a big let-down. It's taking so long for me to get better and I'm not the only one who's banking on it. Josh REALLY wants me to get better too. So does Mom. But it feels like no matter how hard I try I am just a big failure. And I'm disappointing others too. Bummer!

I think that's all I've got. Hope you had an okay time at my pity-party. If you didn't just let me know and I'll add it to the pile of things I feel bad about. Woo hoo.

Okay. Hopefully my next post won't be so bad. Stay tuned.

Ang