Warning: this post contains adult language and references. Don't read any further if you're underage, please.
Well, it's sort of a bummer over here. Depression is back. And in full force.
Had a really hard time last night. Spent far too long crying in bed over all sorts of stuff. There were a few main points - first, I feel guilty again about being a big let down for Josh. Just really feel like I'm bringing him down and it breaks my heart. The last thing he needs is a big walking, talking reminder that his life sucks right now. Especially one that is always asking for help with this or that. Or that needs taking care of all the time. You think your patience is worn thin, just imagine being him for half a second. Second, I really feel ugly again. The pins and needles in my face has long worn out its welcome. I know it's not as bad as it feels like, but I also know that it is noticeable that the left side of my face doesn't move like its supposed to. I look a little stroke victim-esque. And again that mostly just makes me feel bad for Josh. The prettiness of his f-ing wife was taken away in the accident. WTF?!?!
Why does everything have to suck so bad? Why can't it just be a little bit easy for a minute? This is super lame.
I know, I'm totally waa-waa-ing. But that's about all I've got inside right now. I am just one big ball of wretch. And yeah, it sucks to be me right now. Bad.
As for the back-to-work question from the last post - I'm not back yet but I hope to be sometime next month. I'll probably try to start with two half-days per week and then go from there. We'll see how it all works out. As you can imagine, I'm sort of negative about it right this minute but we'll see. I'm sure it'll feel good to be back to something quasi-normal. Even if it's in a not-quite-so-normal way. Gotta take what I can get.
Enough of my little pity-party. Talk to y'all later. Hopefully I'll be out of my funk by then. Sorry about the big let-down post. Hope you're doing better than me.
Ang
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Background Story
On Tuesday, August 18, 2009, while riding her bicycle to work, Angela was in an accident. Details of how the accident happened are still unclear and the West Seattle Police Dept. is investigating.
Ang was rushed to Harborview and was quickly admitted into the ICU where she has received excellent care from the many doctors and nurses attending her multiple injuries.
This blog is dedicated to keep friends and family updated about the continuing recovery and healing of Angela.
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Guestbook Archive
Angela updates originally appeared on a website called Caring Bridge. During this time, visitors could leave comments, greetings, and encouragement in an online guestbook. We migrated to this blog after Angela was discharged from the hospital in November, 2009. All of the updates have been reproduced, and all original guestbook entries have been compiled in a single PDF.
Angela,
ReplyDeleteWhile I cannot say I will truly ever understand how you feel, I will say that I still believe I have a handle on it. Years ago, my wife's immune system was going haywire (she has an autoimmune illness). Anyway, they had to put her on a very strong drug that had side effects, including weight gain. In particular, her face got real swollen as well. To make matters worse, her own father made some joke about how she looked (apparently he didn't have common sense to realize that was in poor taste). My wife felt much like you do, and figured that she was "ugly" and "fat". She figured that I didn't find her attractive. I love my wife, and to me, she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I can honestly say that at the time I just didn't see her as anything other than beautiful. God has a way of helping us see each other beautifully, no matter what happens. Years later, she showed me pictures of what she looked like then, and I could see that she really had gained weight. It was weird, because I just really hadn't noticed it.
Your husband sees you as you are, no matter what. God put you two together, through thick and thin, because you are perfect for each other.
Finally, I know it must be so tough to keep your chin up, but think of it as a scientist...if you graphed your progress,it would still be very much on an upward curve. Sure, maybe the curve has slowed compared to the rate of improvement before, but it is still going upward. Hang tough, and know that you will continue to improve.
Last, I will just say that in my opinion, work will help you greatly. When you get to using your brilliant mind again, and feeling like you are producing something each day, plus keeping your mind busy, it will really be surprising to you how much you feel better.
Take care!
Paul
I think you need to pop down and visit with Andrew and me for a little while. Our quasi-craziness will make you feel very normal :-) We love you! Katie
ReplyDeleteHi Angela,
ReplyDeletePaul's post was full of wisdom. I know you will feel better when you get back to work and are again contributing to projects in your hard-working, smart way!! We sure do miss you here!!
You are definitely still making progress even though it may seem slow.
I'm praying for you to come back to work soon!
Jan
sweet angela... it is okay to have down days. i heard a pastor say once, and i can't remember who it was, but ... "in the christian life, there is always something."
ReplyDeletei think that if it's not singleness, it's marriage; if it's not marriage, it's health; if it's not health, it's wealth... etc etc etc. you are completely normal in all of your rantings and ravings and little one, do not think for a second that we all do not have these days too. while we didn't have your particular accident, we are injured in so many deep ways as well and we just don't have an awesome blog to put them down to.... our hearts have pins and needles, our minds have paralyzed muscles, our souls have steel pins that keep them immobile. personally i feel uplifted when i read your down posts because i know that i am not alone in those days. the tunnels of darkness are there and we must pass through them. it is part of the fallen world of sin that Christ will someday conquer. while i'm not going to try to encourage you because i know that for a time, it is good to sit and feel whatever you are feeling, i will say that i have been living in psalm 115 recently - "you who fear him, trust in the lord, for he is their help and shield."
in His shoes,
-ali
Angela please read this
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dioceseofgreensburg.org/accent/Pages/3-4-2010JeremyFeldbusch.aspx
Jim Clark
Amy Clark's Father
Still praying for you
Here are the two lines that really struck me
ReplyDelete"Why did God take my eyesight?" Jeremy asked his father from the intensive care unit, Charlene said.
His father encouraged him to ask a different question: "Why did God let you live?"
hey girl get a life its about time people stop candy coating this you have way to much time to think of poor me and poor josh your both spoiled brats you should be thinking how you can help others which you could read to someone you have eyes work at a food bank you have time call a friend who needs a kind word its all me me me your mom should spank your ass and give you a push alot of people are a lot worse than you and wish they could do what little you can use to help others im sick of reading how god did you wrong maybe you should look in the mirror and ask what can i do to help someone today karma has alot to say believe in yourself that things will come to you just learn to take time to enjoy one day at a time as it comes your a fighter or you wouldnt be here today and josh will take you as you are whatever the outcome so get out there and fight back and help someone else and god will reward you god works in strange ways let him use you someone who wishes youd see the light
ReplyDeletehey girl get a life its about time people stop candy coating this you have way to much time to think of poor me and poor josh your both spoiled brats you should be thinking how you can help others which you could read to someone you have eyes work at a food bank you have time call a friend who needs a kind word its all me me me your mom should spank your ass and give you a push a lot of people are a lot worse than you and wish they could do what little you can use to help others im sick of reading how god did you wrong maybe you should look in the mirror and ask what can i do to help someone today karma has alot to say believe in yourself that things will come to you just learn to take time to enjoy one day at a time as it comes your a fighter or you wouldnt be here today and josh will take you as you are whatever the outcome so get out there and fight back and help someone else and god will reward you god works in strange ways let him use you someone who wishes youd see the light
ReplyDeletePlease don't let this get you down. You are a miracle. That's what we think, anyway.
ReplyDelete