My God, I still feel good. Maybe this shift is here to stay!?!?

In fact, I think it just might be because I got bummed out yesterday, processed it, worked through it, and ended up in the same great place I started. Hallelujah! I don't know what brought this on but whatever it is I'll take it! I'm still feeling really good. I don't feel trapped in my injury anymore. It is so freeing and liberating to actually feel like myself before the accident just hurt. And not hurt forever, just for a little while.

I did have a pretty hard time yesterday. While in my PT appointment I got pretty bummed out. My PT has a student right now and she is learning lots and pretty much driving the PT for now. She noticed that I have trouble with planar inversion and rotation out while standing. I can do it while sitting but not standing. When I'm standing I rotate from the hip with my whole leg rather than just at the ankle. She was asking my PT what he thought I should do about it, they were talking PT talk back and forth, then my PT said that no matter what I just probably won't get that movement back. It was just surprising for me to hear him say that my gait would just forever be lacking this; that I'll never have it back. I've never heard a therapist say that before. They've always been kind of like cheerleaders always talking about what I will get back not what I won't. So needless to say there were a few tears when I got home. It's not even that this rotation is super important. I may never have had it. But it was just hard to hear about something that I couldn't get back. So I cried for a while and felt pretty crappy for a while and then got over it.

So here I am now able to look back on it objectively. I can see why I got upset, be okay with that I was upset, and not be upset now. This is all new. It's the first time I don't feel like I'm drowning in emotion. I actually feel okay with that I was upset and okay with that I'm not upset now. Ahhhh, progress!

Besides that I just started going back to the chiropractor. I'm glad to be back. But it is just another thing I'm doing that might really be helping me but I won't be able to attribute anything to it specifically because I have a whole handful of new things right now.

Oh, and one other thing. I have some really cool before and after x-rays to show all of you of my arm. Here's the before:

And here's the after:

Pretty cool, huh?!?!

That's about all I've got right now. Talk to you soon.

Ang

Hola.

I don't know if anything on the outside is different or better but the inside is much improved. I feel a ton better! I think my arm is making little progress but it still has reduced mobility and stitches in it. And the pins and needles are still around and just as frustrating as they ever were. But my outlook is so much better.

I actually feel like I'm getting better headed back to my old self. This is all new because up to this point I felt like I was getting better headed to my new handicapped self. Finally I don't feel that way any more. I actually feel like me for the first time, just hurt. Pretty amazing! It doesn't seem like being back to 100% is never going to happen anymore, it just seems like a little ways off while I heal. It seems like it's coming up not far off in the distant future anymore. Yesterday I was even imaging when me and Josh have kids. And it really didn't seem all that future-ish.

I don't know what spawned this change but I'll take it. Feels a lot better to be me right now. Now I know that technically this is supposed to be a really hard time with lots of work but it really doesn't seem like an insurmountable task right this minute. It doesn't even really seem like I'm all that tough or tenacious. Just doing what needs to be done, that's all.

I had another amazing shift of context over this weekend too. I have always HATED my shower chair. It has always made me feel handicapped and different than I used to be. But this weekend my frame of mind shifted and now I just see it as a tool. It is just my helper in the shower. It no longer has any worth associated it. It just is. Pretty cool, huh?!?

I think maybe this is just a big fat answer to prayer. Or maybe it's a side effect of the cranial Chinese medicine work I had done last week. Whatever it is I like it! I think it's most likely a Holy Spirit stepping in and enveloping me and protecting me from myself and the enemy. Thank you, Jesus! Way to step in and shut up all my negative self-talk!

I'm sure this was a refreshing post to read. Finally she's not bitching about how everything hurts and how bad her life sucks. Hope you enjoyed it. And throw up a little prayer of thanksgiving if you get a minute. God is hard at work here!

Thanks,

Ang

Hi.

Well, that surgery definitely slowed me down but I'm still kicking. I feel like I'm trapped in a perpetual Thorzine shuffle. Oh yeah. But I'm doing better. Yesterday I only took Advil twice and it's already 11 and I haven't taken any today! Not to say I don't hurt. My arm is crazy painful at times but it mostly just comes in these little spurts of stabbing pain. No warning and before I know it I'm crying like a little girl. Guess that's not so bad considering I'm just a big girl but you know what I mean. Usually somewhere where I'd rather not be crying to boot. Like the grocery store or Target. Makes me wonder, do any of you have surgery experience? Does anybody know how long I should expect this to last? Every time it happens it just makes me more thankful that I don't remember any of the other surgeries I had. Wowza! That must've been tough. Don't think for a minute that I'm so hard core or anything like that. I was just lucky enough to be in coma otherwise you'd have heard lots of whining and mewing. Wow, can't believe I just said that - lucky enough to be in coma. Who'd have thought that would ever come?!?! I'll take it. Besides the pain the whole arm is just pretty swollen but is healing up. The last 2 times we took the dressing off there was no blood or leakage or discharge. I know, nasty words, but I have faith that you all can handle it. I've even been hanging out for the last 2 and a half hours without the ace bandages on. Just airing out the incision a little bit.

And I'm able to shower just fine. I need help but not that much. It is a little embarrassing when you have to yell for your Mom to come wash your back and your right arm for you. At least she's used to seeing me in the buff. I was just littler then. She was joking with me and saying that it reminded her of just a few months ago. I did have a little fit of exposing myself when I was coming out of the coma. Thank you stage IV. I'm sorry to any of you who saw more than you bargained for during that time. Especially you, Ron. Sorry. Guess we're just on a whole new level now.

I had a pretty wild experience yesterday too. I went to a new acupuncturist and he said that he could feel that I needed work done on the right side of my brain. Crazy. Since nobody else has said that. And considering my whole left side still has pins and needles I think the right side of my brain does need some work. It was pretty cool when he told me there is this whole host of issues that Chinese medicine people usually pick up on when someone has had a bad trauma and he said I'm not showing any signs of them. So that's good. I attribute that to you, Abby.

Let's see, the rest of today will just be therapy galore. I have PT, OT, and speech this afternoon. Good times. Long day at Harborview ahead. Hopefully I'll have enough energy to make it through all of them. I think I will. But I'll be a big blob of mush when it's all over. Lots of paying attention is tough for me right now. Makes me pretty tired. Usually if I can anchor my head I do a little better. Pretty obvious why I'm not back to work yet. Don't think I would last very long in the lab. It'll be a trip when I do go back. The whirling dervish that everyone is used to will actually have to take those 15 minute breaks every 2 hours. Maybe even sitting down. People won't even recognize me at first if I'm not chewing my fur and going fifty miles a minute. I'm sure I'll get back to my ridiculous pace eventually but I'll have to work up to it.

That's all I've got for now. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Ang

Hi.

Well, home from the hospital now and great overall news to share. Some not-so-great news to share about the adventure too.

Went in at 6am Friday. Whew, that's early! Checked in for surgery and had the unfortunate same-time experience (probably from being nervous) of also having the cha-chas. Not fun! Speaking of being nervous, reality finally hit me Thursday night and I got SCARED! I got really nervous about the surgery. I was worried that the surgeons would get in there and find something unexpected and not be able to do the surgery, I was worried about how much it was going to hurt, I was worried about never being able to use my arm again, etc., etc.. Not very much fun! But all night I just camped on Joshua 1:9 that says "...be strong and courageous...for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" The LORD, as in the maker of heaven and earth, king of all kings, ruler of everything, was going to be with me. If that's not comforting just sit on it for a minute.

So once I got checked in and my name was called, me, Mom, and Josh went back to the pre-op area. We met all the doctors and nurses and the anesthesiologists that were going to be working on me. It took 5 tries for the nurses to get an IV in that everyone liked so my right arm is covered in bruises from wrist to elbow on both the inside and outside of my arm. Once they finally all agreed on an IV, I finally got wheeled into the OR and got the "sleepy juice", which is the last thing I remember. But when I woke up I found out that my working IV was in my foot and that one took 2 tries too. So 7 tries total.

Next thing I knew it was around 11 and I was in the recovery room. And the docs were telling me that they had been able to take it all out of my elbow. Good news! 3 plates and 14 screws of varying sizes were now just in a ziploc for me to take home. Awesome! Happy - oh yeah! That's also when they started me on my post-op drugs. You guessed it, morphine. Boy oh boy! And we all just had to sit and wait in the recovery room for almost 6 hours for a hospital room to open up. When that FINALLY happened up I went to 6th floor Maleng. Didn't get my own hospital room this time but that's okay.

Next 24 hours were spent in the hospital room where I found out about my reaction to morphine - I got really itchy, broke out in a rash, my heart rate went through the roof, my blood pressure increased, and I got ridiculously dizzy. I was so dizzy I couldn't read the whiteboard on the wall 10 feet away with big writing on it. Scary!

I finally got to get off the morphine around 5 and, thank God, I felt okay. Everything still hurt, but not bad enough to take anything for it. Oh, and there was one other super-fun side effect from the morphine - I couldn't pee. I had to go but I just couldn't do it. I just had to keep getting catheters. Bummer! There was one nurse who turned out to be my knight in shining armor when he gave me a catheter when I was super uncomfortable. He said he got almost two liters of pee out of me! Yowza!

By 7 yesterday night I was peeing on my own and I wasn't dizzy any more, so they let me go home. Nice! Then I got to come home and sleep in my bed and snuggle with my husband. Aaaaah, right where I belong.

In case you're wondering what was in my arm, check it out...

Can you believe the long screw?!?! And can you believe that only 1 plate was thin. The other 2 were like this...

Holy smokes! That's no joke! But at least they're gone now.

And Katie, heck yeah, you and Andrew can come wash your hands anytime. And Janell, it would be great to see you and Nation. Just drop either me or mom an email and we'll figure out a good time.

And for a little summary, I'm now home and me and mom will pick up where we left off laughing at everything all day tomorrow. I go back to therapy starting Tuesday. And I'm finally just controlling (or at least trying to control) my pain with Tylenol. Super happy about that last one. I didn't feel like myself AT ALL on the morphine. And now I feel like I'm back. Gives me a whole new appreciation for what it must have been like for Josh and Mom early on and when I was coming out of my coma. Big kudos to both of them. Not easy!

Hope you're well,

Ang

Hey there.

Thankfully doing better today. As though that would be tough considering the crap sandwich I was chewing on last time I wrote. What helped? A few things.

1) lots of tears. I was waterworks for almost the entire day straight.

2) hugs and snuggles (and a few irritated harsh-ish words) from the hubby. Good to put me in my place when I wind myself up too far. Especially when you're squeezing me.

3) good OT session. My OT had no idea I was so frustrated and when she found out she told me to just skip the putty all together and gave me other stuff to work on. Also helped that I made Mom tell her so I wouldn't star crying but then Mom started randomly crying so I cried anyway. Oh well.

4) Ephesians 6. Man that armor of God passage is a good one. Spent some time on that just praying and asking for help remembering to outfit myself with that armor.

Spent today running errands. Got my bangs trimmed and got my facial jewelry taken out to prepare for surgery in just 2 days. Ooooooh, can't wait. I think I'm sort of ignoring the reality that it's going to hurt like heck but that's okay. I'm slowly owning up to the fact that it'll be a set-back in a few ways. One of which will be getting dressed - mostly pulling up my pants will be tough. Another will probably be showering. We'll see what else is in store. I'll update probably by bitching about it when I get there. Ooh, fun to look forward to for all of you.

Don't think I've got much else. Oh, but I did get the sweetest soap dispenser at Target today. Pretty sure Josh will hate it but I love it enough to make it worth it still. It's a big yellow duck with a bobbly head. And the best part is that it quacks when you push down on the plunger! Heck yeah!!! And it quacks for kind of a long time too! Awesome!!! And I named him Winston.

One more thing - just wanted to say a big thanks to everybody who replied to my last post. Sure means a lot to find out people care enough to keep up and then even a little more to reply. That helped me get through that little bout of depression. So thank you. You are all certainly playing a pretty mighty role in my recovery! I couldn't imagine doing this alone.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Much love,

Ang

Good morning. Or not so good.

Fair warning, if you read this blog to hear about progress or other uplifting things - skip today. And Dana, get your bible out and get ready to whack me me in the head. I am not doing so well. At all. Can't have too many days without feeling in the dumps or it just gets boring. Or something like that.

I am not in a good place. Mostly I just feel like a big, dark, black raincloud that goes around dumping misery and pain on all I come in contact with. Not fun. To feel like this or to be this person. I mostly just feel like a big piece of crap. I feel like I used to be fun and lighthearted and like that is all gone now. Now I just feel like I make people sad and require more energy than ever before. Especially for my husband. I've heard him say, and I believe, that he would have been worse off if I had died. At least at first. But now I just feel like a huge energy suck and that he has to settle everyday with loving the handicapped me. I feel really bad for him. It must really suck to be married to me. I can't take care of myself, I can't remember anything, and I need to be driven around all the time. Doesn't sound like much fun. And it's not that I don't feel like I deserve to be loved anymore, I just have a lot more understanding for people who don't have it in them. Loving me seems like a pretty one-sided thing right now. Yeah, I think about other people and do what I can to help out - it's just not much. And the good feelings knowing someone is thinking about you only go so far.

And another struggle, as though I need more, is my left hand. I feel really handicapped not being able to make my hand do what I want. Sometimes the fingers get stuck clenched and I can't straighten them out. Other times I can't grab what I want to. Pretty lame. And there's all these OT exercises I'm supposed to do but I just haven't been doing them because they remind me how hurt I still am and just make me want to cry. And I haven't even been able to tell my OT yet. Guess that's on the docket for this week. Oh boy.

All in all I just feel like a big let-down. It's taking so long for me to get better and I'm not the only one who's banking on it. Josh REALLY wants me to get better too. So does Mom. But it feels like no matter how hard I try I am just a big failure. And I'm disappointing others too. Bummer!

I think that's all I've got. Hope you had an okay time at my pity-party. If you didn't just let me know and I'll add it to the pile of things I feel bad about. Woo hoo.

Okay. Hopefully my next post won't be so bad. Stay tuned.

Ang

Hi.

Nothing huge. Just saying hi. Mini update time.

Yesterday I went to lunch with my boss and got my performance review. Not bad. And lunch was great! Thanks, Brad. The review wasn't too bad either. Although I'm a little worried that it might be my last good review. We'll see. And then I got to hang out with the ladies last night. Yummy Redline and a little debauchery. Including giving poor Opie Doodle (the golden doodle dog) pop rocks. Too funny!

And then today and the day before yesterday I went to the gym. Worked my butt off. Day before yesterday I did the assmaster (stepmill) on level 3 for 15 minutes. Boy oh boy, did that do me in! And today I walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Found out that I can't smoothly walk without holding on faster than 1.8. But that's pretty good. And it finally didn't feel super awkward to pull my left hip forward when I step with my left leg. That's big success because I've been working on that all week in physical therapy.

And other big news - Josh got lasik today. It'll be weird to have him without glasses walking around the house. We are a surgery-happy family between the two of us. Two Fridays in a row in the Sweet household. And I'm only a little jealous that his recovery time is WAY shorter than mine will be. But I'm still excited about getting my surgery too.

Don't think I've got much else.

Hope you're doing well.

Ang

Hey.

Well, it has been confirmed once again. I am my own worst enemy. No can diminish how far I've come or tell me what I cannot do like I can. So at least I've got that going for me. But I'm getting trickier at it. Instead of just telling myself how I'm not making any progress I am now acknowledging all the progress I have made and just telling myself that it doesn't mean anything or it doesn't matter when you look at how far I still have to go.

I think this was all brought on yesterday in OT. My therapist was having me work on hand mobility, specifically fingers and thumb. It did not go well to say the least. But now I know how the kitties feel. My thumb is barely opposable so my left hand might as well be a paw. Man, it never seems to stop overwhelming me when I get a glimmer of how hurt I really am. Kind of makes me feel like I'll never be better. And it makes me take a moment to inventory and recognize how hard this really is and how much my life sucks right now. Never any fun.

Despite all this I did make one huge step this week. I am now able to put my hair in a claw clip by myself. Yessssss!!! When I showed Josh he almost cried he was so happy for me. So that made me feel good. He is the best supporter EVER!!! I am so blessed to have him! Who ever knew that this is what was meant by loving your wife like Christ loves the church?!?! That is one big job! And he is doing so well! Meow, we all appreciate what you're doing and we are all, especially me, so proud of you for stepping up to such a monumental task. And kicking butt!

On a totally different note, I found the most AWESOME Easter cards. Here's what they look like...

HILARIOUS!!!!

Hope you liked them.

Ang

Hi there.

Nothing new to report. Still pretty much the same. Although I did start a new medicine last night for the neurological pain. That's what the docs call the pins and needles. Maybe they just do that to sound smart. So prayers that this new mede works would be great.

Only other thing I have to report is my new struggle. Not fun. I have now started getting dizzy at times. When it first started it was only when I went from laying down to sitting up. Not that bad. But now it has started to sort of happen randomly. Yikes! I am scared poopless about falling! Really don't want that to happen. Prayers on staying upright would also be much appreciated. Hopefully I won't have to report soon about falling down. It's so embarrassing and I could hurt myself. Not something I want to give a shot.

That's about all I've got.

No, Katie, I can't smell Hef's toots up here. But I'm sorry you have to smell them down there. No fun.

And if anyone is interested I'd be more than happy to go through a book of the bible with you on the blog. Right now I'm almost done in Matthew but I'm pretty open for what's next. Any suggestions?

Okey dokey - till next time.

Ang

Hi.

Boy do I have some big news! And I mean big!!! Had my ortho checkup today and they are going to take most if not all of the metal out of my arm! I got to schedule my surgery for March 19th. Woo hoo! Never thought I'd be so happy to go in for surgery. And it's soon! Yesssss!

Thanks for posting questions. Here's my best shot at answering them...

- cooking is going. Not back to where I was yet but on my way. I made white chicken chili and flourless chocolate cake this week. Yum! Definitely a step up from the Hamburger Helper I made last week. Only thing on the docket is caramel corn for the outpatient check in ladies. That is coming next week.

- let's see, I think it was just mostly me that was scared of the doctor this week. I don't really like going to appointments that make me realize how hurt I really am and give me a glimpse of how far I still have to go. And I didn't really want to get my hopes up in case the doctors just said I was SOL. Never fun to get shot down. I think I just mostly don't like going into a situation where I might get my bubble bursted about where I'm at. I have SUPER high expectations of myself and if docs tell you that you're way off base you kinda have to listen. Again, no fun. Mostly it just takes me a lot of self-talk to try to deal with it. Generally I just try to come up with the worst possible situation and try to convince myself that I will still love me even if that happens. Then I feel prepared for the worst and like I can handle anything that comes that isn't that bad. Weird? Yeah. But it's what I got.

- I do lots to laugh and have fun. Really I don't take anything too seriously. I spend lots of time laughing. And no shortage of that time is spent laughing at myself. Plus hanging with Mom really helps. We are constantly cracking each other up. What was funny today? Well, there was a man with a heinous yellow cowboy hat made of felt at the ortho clinic. Josh and I had a good time laughing at that. And of course there's always the cats to do something stupid or blame something on. Now that's funny. Especially when you can blame a toot on them. :) He he.

- My favorite food if Danish bacon didn't exist is definitely garlic bread. Especially if it has my meat sauce on it. Oh yeah, the wappy joe! Although pizza and Redline waffle fries are close seconds. And yes, I do find the pictures of me in the hospital encouraging because they really do show how far I've come. Boy, I was messed up and I'm A TON better now. This has been no small journey! I think the ones that are nearly the most helpful are the ones of me when I first opened my eyes. I look super hollow and nothing like myself. Talk about coming a long ways. I look nothing like that any more. And some people stay looking like that the rest of their lives.

- It is fun to watch the movies I don't remember. No deja vu moments yet but who knows what's to come. It is like getting to watch a whole new movie just one that I already know for sure I'm going to like.

- As for the book club I don't think I have the time. Plus I feel like if I'm reading it ought to be the bible. Do you want to do chapters of the bible? I'd be up for that. Just let me know.

- I have not caramelized bacon. Although I hear it's really good. And I can't imagine it's too difficult. Just lots of brown sugar and then bake it. Sounds good to me. No foods bringing back memories yet. But comfort foods like pasta and warm cookies are still comforting.

- me and Josh's mom are on good terms. Both his birth mom and his step-mom and I are friends. Nice, that's for sure. We don't hang out that much so that's probably why you don't hear about her very much. Whereas I spend 5 days a week with my mom so that's why you hear about her a lot. That and she is just plain awesome so there's always a good story to tell. Josh's mom and step-mom are both pretty darn fine people too. Really sweet and pretty darn nice. Just not around as much.

Well that takes care of it. Feel free to post questions as you have them and I'll try to answer them.

Thanks,

Ang

Hey there.

Doing okay. Pretty freaked out about the doctors appointments I have this week. But hey, what else is new? Ang is scared, big surprise. I pretty much live in a constant state of fear or pain now. Not super fun but all I've got.

Don't have much big and exciting to report. Except that I worked my butt off in the pool this week. Went for an hour and a half with no rests! Plus I finished by swimming the length of the pool twice by myself on my back with no cheater belt. Woo hoo!

Going to try something new - do any of you have any questions or is there anything you'd like to hear about? Thought at least one person must have a question so ask away. Not promising I'll answer your question but only one way to find out - ask away. It's not always easy to know what you want to hear about.

Hopefully I'll get some good responses. If not, don't think I'll try this again.

We'll see.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Ang